The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- And The Golden Globe For The Best Golden Shower On Zac Efron Goes To....
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 12th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Police Stop A Convicted Killer's Plan To Murder And Castrate Justin Bieber
- The Posthumous "Over The Moon" Watch: Princess Diana Edition
- The Alaskan Prince William & Kate Middleton Are Getting A Divorce
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By Future Oscar Winner Matthew McConaughey
- The Royals Are To Blame For Nurse Jacintha's Suicide, So Says Morrissey
| And The Golden Globe For The Best Golden Shower On Zac Efron Goes To.... | Top |
Because the Golden Globes had to recognize a mess of a movie where Zac Efron dances in the rain in his chonies and Matthew McConaughey (SPOILER ALERT) is the pass-around bottom bitch of choice for black dom tops in Florida, Nicole Kidman got a Best Supporting Actress nomination this morning. In The Paperboy, Nicole squatted over Zac Efron and had a hands-free coochie seizure while staring at a white trash-ified John Cusack, so they should just give her that GG right now. Her and her bladder earned it. The Golden Globe nominations for all 534 categories were announced when the sun was still down early this morning and the biggest snub bitches are screaming about is the little girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild not getting nominated for Best Actress in a Drama. My guess is because she's 9-years-old and one of the GG rules is that all nominees must get at least ten shades of shit-faced drunk during the show, so that the producers can always cut to them making droopy-eyed drunk faces throughout the night. Since she can't legally sip on the sweet nectar, she's out! The full list of nominees is after the jump. Judging by the Best Television Comedy nominations, the theme this year is WHA?, so why didn't they go all the way with that theme and nominate Lindsay Lohan for Liz & Dick. She could've been nominated in the Comedy and Drama categories since her performance had that many layers. The bitch was ROBBED! GO! | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 12th! | Top |
The world wasn't ready for Dr. Phil's beefcake calendar. - Tj45acp Runners-up: George Clooney's pig didn't really die, he just ran off to hang out with all of his daddy's cast offs. - daisy100 Glitzy savors the perks of fame. - ImpertinentVixen via Evil Milk | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Writing a bunch of posts about Hugh Hefner's leased bride made me remember the Krystal Harris everyone should really be talking and posting about. Krystal's one hit Supergirl was on The Princess Diaries (I see you in the video, Anne Hathaway) soundtrack and she probably figured that she'd never be able to top a musical masterpiece like that, because she disappeared a couple of years later. Every day, we should take a moment and think to ourselves, "Whatever happened to the musical genius Krystal Harris?" (Possible answer: That jealous bitch Pink kidnapped her and dropped her on a deserted island.) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jamie Foxx (45) | |
| Police Stop A Convicted Killer's Plan To Murder And Castrate Justin Bieber | Top |
File this under: Some "Coen Brothers movie for the Disney Channel" type shit. Dana Martin (no relation to Donna Martin, I think), a convicted killer who is serving two life sentences for raping and murdering a 15-year-old girl in Vermont, wanted to keep terrorizing the country from behind bars, so he hooked up with two criminals and wanted them to keep his murder spree going. Dana Martin met fellow evil doer Mark Staake in a prison in New Mexico and together they planned several murders. Once Mark got out of prison, he and his nephew Tanner Ruane were supposed to murder two of Dana Martin's acquaintances in Vermont. They were supposed to strangle their victims with a paisley tie, because the paisley tie is Dana's signature. The crazy bitch is a regular fashionista. Once Mark and Tanner took out their first victims, they were supposed to travel to NYC and murder the Canadian baby Jesus known as Justin Bieber at his show at MSG in late November. Dana got detailed in his instructions. He wanted Tanner and Mark to sneak backstage and strangle both Justin and his bodyguard with a paisley tie. Once they finished that, Tanner was supposed to cut both of their balls off. You can't castrate a castrati, but Tanner was going to try. KRQUE says Dana was going to pay Tanner and Mark $2,500 for each set of balls they cut off. If this mess wasn't already weird, it gets weirder. Dana Martin is obsessed with Justin Bieber, obviously, and he has a tattoo of the Biebs' face on his leg. Early one morning while Dana was softly brushing the leg hair above his Bieber tattoo, he stared deep into the inky eyes of his Bieber tattoo and he suddenly realized that he could never hurt the pretty face of a singing unicorn fetus. So Dana Martin called the police and told them about his scheme. Dana Martin turned Mark and Tanner in. Mark was arrested in Vermont on outstanding warrants. They were able to arrest Tanner in New York after cops recorded a conversation between him and Dana Martin. Tanner told Dana Martin that he's sad he didn't get to murder anybody. The Lesbeaver's manager tells UsWeekly that they take every precaution to make sure that their little money maker is always okay. The authorities need to take this extremely seriously and laws should be put in place to make sure this never happens again. What I mean by that is anybody with a Justin Bieber tattoo needs to be thrown on death row before they start strangling people with paisley ties! But seriously, Dana Martin is in danger, girl. Dana Martin is a cold-blooded monster with the heart of Lucifer, but he's never screwed with the relentless Beliebers before. Once they get through with him, he'll be wishing he had a paisley tie to hang himself with. Don't screw with a Belieber who's got nothing but a whole lot of time in homeroom and a stack of lined paper to write crazy letter after crazy letter. | |
| The Posthumous "Over The Moon" Watch: Princess Diana Edition | Top |
It's one thing to violate the laws of everything by spewing out the words "over the moon," but it's an even bigger crime when you stuff that overused phrase in the mouth of a woman who isn't even here to knee you in the asshole for putting those words in her mouth. Marie Sutton, an evil heart hurter who looks like this, claims to be a close friend of the late Princess Diana, but they obviously weren't that close if Marie is doing her like this. Marie tells Life & Style that if Princess Diana was alive today, the news that she's going to be a grandma would've made her throw herself over the great big crater in the universe. As the earth rolled from Princess Diana spinning in her grave, Marie said this:
We as a people are supposed to evolve and part of evolving is keeping "over the moon" out of our mouths. But instead of doing that, we're now making people who literally can't say it, say it! We have got to do better. It's as if Marie hates Princess Diana. Wait a minute.... Are we sure Life & Style spoke to the actual Marie Sutton? I bet your ass it was Morrissey doing a Marie Sutton voice. Bitch pranked Life & Style. Is there anything he won't do to fuck with the royal family? Shameless. Here's Prince William, whose head is sort of looking like a moon, meeting Cate Blanchett and the rest of the cast of The Hobbit at tonight's premiere in London. | |
| The Alaskan Prince William & Kate Middleton Are Getting A Divorce | Top |
A year and a half ago the sound of a shotgun salute was heard all through the meth capital of Alaska when Sarah Palin's oldest son Track married his girlfriend Britta Hanson. They got married in the afternoon on a weekday and she held a bouquet of grocery store flowers in front of her stomach, so everyone figured that her something new was a fetus all up in her belly. Three months later, Britta popped out Sarah Palin's newest grandchild Kyla Grace. Because gay marriage and weed are both now legal in Washington state, a smoke of sin wafted all the way over to Alaska and cut Track and Britta's marriage ties in half. Britta tells Radar that after 18 months of marriage, she's making Track Palin her first ex-husband.
One of my eloquent cousins, who is really familiar with the shot gun wedding, gave me some beautiful words of advice once. She said something like, "Bitch, make sure you suck the dick long and hard before you commit to it, because after you commit it you'll only be allowed to suck on that dick and sometimes sucking on the same dick gets real boring." Everyone, including Britta, should take that advice. That advice works for two reasons: a) You should really love sucking the dick attached to the dude you're marrying and; b) If you're always sucking that dick to make sure you're okay with sucking that dick for the rest of your life, you probably won't get pregnant, because I don't think you can get pregnant from sucking dick (I think)! And if you don't get pregnant, then you won't have to cave in to the pressures of your boyfriend's family and get married when you really don't want to. Not that I'm insinuating that Britta got knocked up before she got married. I'm sure right after she got married, the entire family prayed for God to bless her belly and before she knew it she was knocked up with a 6-month-old fetus. It was a miracle! And more importantly, the hell kind of name is Track? | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
If your genitals are too moist and you want to dry them up, just stare at this picture of Madge sucking the youth out of Baby Brahim - Celebslam Strangely enough, I scream for a brain epidural every time Megan Fox starts talking - Lainey Gossip So I guess I can cross "a picture of Anderson Cooper in assless meggings" off my Christmas list - Towleroad The only person from Private Practice I want to see in a bikini is Benjamin Bratt, but I guess I'll settle for Kate Walsh - Hollywood Tuna Nicole Kidman didn't piss on Zac Efron for nothing - Celebitchy Amanda Seyfried buttchugged vodka in her dressing room at Letterman - The Superficial .....and in the elves locker room in Santa's Workshop, every elf just hung these pictures of Hayden Panatroll on the inside of their locker doors - Drunken Stepfather 27 pictures of hot pieces in kilts and not one wardrobe malfunction?! Please send them all to Anne Hathaway so she can show them how it's done - The Berry In a few months, a baby will get to say the words, "PEPAW DUBYA!" - ICYDK In a "Who's more interesting?" competition between MiserAlba and that cake box, the cake box wins - Popoholic In case you're wondering what's the #1 song on iTunes in Hell - Just Jared Shia LaDouche's shaved head tells me that he got lice - Popsugar The tampon nativity scene is almost more charming than LeAnn Rimes' suppositories nativity scene - OMG Blog Sweet Brown ain't got time for bronchitis, but she does have time for interviews - Crunk + Disorderly How long before Lindsay Lohan and Terry Richardson recreate these for AARP Magazine? - Hollywood Rag Xtina gives good GIF - Cityrag Needs more tongue - SOW Jennifer Aniston still hates her mom - I'm Not Obsessed FYI: Ian McKellen's prostate is fine - ABC News | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Future Oscar Winner Matthew McConaughey | Top |
The Texas T-Rex could get nominated for an Oscar for Magic Mike (I hope he does and I hope they use his "money in the ass crack" scene when they announce his name at the show), but who ever is in charge of giving out Oscars should just give him an Oscar already for The Dallas Buyers Club before he shrinks himself down to the size of a flea's kidney stone. And how can he carry an Oscar statue if he's the size of a flea's kidney stone? Matthew McConaughey's favorite bong is still frowning today, because he's still only eating cow queefs (for protein) and dried kumquat seeds to play AIDS activist Rod Woodruff. Matthew shot a few scenes in New Orleans this morning and DAMN you know a ho is a MAN DOWN CODE 10 kind of skinny when it looks like his moustache weighs more than his entire body. We get it, Matthew, we get it, you're a method artiste. We all know it, so you can eat some chocolate nachos from El Pollo Loco now. With all that being said, his Sonny Bono circa 1981 wig IS the look. | |
| The Royals Are To Blame For Nurse Jacintha's Suicide, So Says Morrissey | Top |
YAASS! I've been waiting for Morrissey's thoughts on Duchess Kate's pregnancy and condition, because he loves the British royal family so much that he dresses up like Queen Elizabeth when he jacks off to a picture of Prince Philip. Morrissey is a natural born cunt, but he turns his cuntiness all the way up when it comes to the royal family and he hasn't disappointed me this time. According to Morrissey, if Duchess Kate wasn't a STUNT PRINCESS who only checked herself into the hospital for attention, those Australian DJs never would've pranked the hospital and Nurse Jacintha would still be alive today. Prince William, Queen Elizabeth and Duchess Kate should all be charged with murder and sent to the gallows! For the record, Prince William and Duchess Kate put out a statement about how sad they were about Nurse Jacintha's death, but it's not enough for Morrissey! Morrissey mouth farted out this mess of words to New Zealand's 3News (via USA Today):
Morrissey then squinted his eyes about Kate's health:
Oh Morrissey, keep being you, keep being you. I'm actually surprised that Queen Elizabeth hasn't called MI6 and told them to take care of Morrissey. She probably has, but every time 007 tries to off Morrissey, Morrissey goes on and on about how James Bond is Queen Elizabeth's butt boy and a disgrace to England and blah blah blah... James Bond rolls his eyes, gives up and goes to the pub instead. Every time Morrissey hates on the royal family, one of the Queen's corgis shits on a wee wee pad with his face on it. | |
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