The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Your Boyfriend Ryan Gosling Is Still Cheating On You With That Homewrecking Whore Eva Mendes
- It's An AbFab Christmas Special Preview!
- QOTD: T.I.'s Thoughts On "Overly Sensitive" Gays
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Lily Allen Had A Mini Cooper!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Twilight Causes Seizures
- Happy Black And Blue Friday!
| Your Boyfriend Ryan Gosling Is Still Cheating On You With That Homewrecking Whore Eva Mendes | Top |
The screeching sound of fangirls drowning their pressed emotions in the bloody tears that poured out of their eye holes did not get to Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes as they casually sashayed among the dead at the Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris yesterday. Crazed Gosling fangirls (Is there a name for them yet? Goslingers? Gos Warriors?) dug up graves with their bare claws, pulled the skeletons out and threw themselves in the coffins since there's no reason for them to live anymore now that Ryan is still with that scheming skank whore slut. But Ryan didn't seem notice, because the hipster dude shades on his face filters out all ugliness. Ryan stays cool at all times. It was just Ryan, his girl, dead people and the paparazzi that just so happened to be there at the same time. Now, I'm not saying that this was a completely staged photo-op, but if you told me that one of those tombs was converted into Eva's make-up and wardrobe room, an emotion called shock would not fill my body. But Eva's selfish ass could've at least wore a green screen suit to make it easier for Ryan's fangirls to Photoshop themselves into these pictures. Holiday cards have been ruined because of that bitch! | |
| It's An AbFab Christmas Special Preview! | Top |
| The birth of Jesus finally makes sense! Jesus was born so that 2000+ years later there could be an Absolutely Fabulous Christmas Special. I wish they would've taught me that in catechism. This is the first preview for the special which airs on the BBC around Christmas times. It has absolutely zero Patsy Stone in it, but I guess we'll take what we can get. My ass is going to be in Italy with my family for Christmas, so I fully expect one of you British bitches (Britches?) to lasso over a cable cord so I can watch this shit. Ruote in fiamme (Translation provided by Google, so if it doesn't make any sense blame that ho)! via ONTD (Thanks Ben) | |
| QOTD: T.I.'s Thoughts On "Overly Sensitive" Gays | Top |
And now you can pull your hands out of the prayin' position and stop begging prison prophet T.I. to bestow upon you his strong words of wisdom about serious subjects such as equal rights, because he has finally rubbed his only two brain cells together to make a thought! I know, it's what we've all been waiting for. Vibe Magazine caught up with T.I. in between prison sentences and asked him if he thinks all Americans should have the same rights. T.I. said that if the The Un-American Activities Committee still existed today, gays who complained about Tracy Morgan's "I would stab my son if he acted gay" rant should be investigated. T.I. on all Americans having equal rights Now, I can take a dick and I can take a joke, and I can even take both of them at the same time (especially when the joke is the dick), but where was the joke in Tracy's "I WOULD SHANK MY SON IN THE HEAD" rant? If that is considered a joke, then the shit jokes I try to tell on this blog every day would count as jokes too, and then we'd all be in trouble. Well, if this whole "lifetime jailbird" thing doesn't work out for T.I.'s Jiminy Cricket-looking ass, then he has a bright future ahead of him as Mel Gibson and Michael Richards' publicist. And the fun didn't stop there, T.I. then talked to Vibe about Osama Bin Laden's "death": T.I. on being skeptical of Bin Laden's death And this concludes today's "This Is Your Brain On Sizzurp" public service announcement. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Julie Chang of MyBoxNY (typo and it's not moving) who is always the consummate professional and isn't going to let some holly jolly ass kid wave HELLO! on repeat in her shot. That kid is probably waving to his grandma who is on her death bed and told him that her last dying wish is for him to wave to her on the live local news while wearing the t-shirt she made for him using the Cricut she bought on HSN with her last social security check. And Julie Chang just strangled that dying memaw's last wish with a high-pitched verbal bitch slap. If that boy told Julie why he was waving, she'd stare into the camera with those ice cold queen eyes of hers and say, "Get another dying wish, grandma, because nobody's ruins The Chang's shot!" I think we're soulmates. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jaleel White (35) | |
| Lily Allen Had A Mini Cooper! | Top |
Lily Allen's rep has turned their mouth to the SILENT position and are not saying shit, but who needs a confirmation from a rep when you've got friends with Twatter pages? Two of Lily's friends, Sam Chew and Charlie Condou, handed out pink blunts on Twitter last night and announced that she and her husband of 6 months, Sam Cooper, have been blessed by the saliva bombs and newborn diarrhea fumes coming from their brand new baby girl. We don't have a name yet, but Sam Chew did gift us with the image of a pink Mini Cooper driving out of Lily's coochie tunnel when he Tweeted this: sending out love to lily, sam and mini cooper...... YES. This news might be like a shot of happiness to veins of your soul since Lily has been through sad after sad after sad after sad to get here. Lily miscarried her first pregnancy almost 4 years ago and had a still birth last November. Congratulations to Lily, Sam and their new baby friend. I'll throw them another congratulations with more feeling if they really named their daughter Mini Cooper. Or at least WINNIE Cooper! via People | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| When Lao Pan, an unmarried Chinese man with basically zero friends and family, took the one-way People Mover up to the afterword, his one true companion in this world sat next to the mound of dirt he was buried under and has refused to leave. The people of Pan's small village tried to get his loyal dog friend to leave the grave, but the bitch ain't moving. So the villagers are bringing food and water to the dog, and are even planning on building a little house next to Pan's grave for him to live in. Yes, file this under "Hachi: A Dog's Tale" shit and then cross-file it under "Material that will help to lubricate my dehydrated and practically dead tear sacks." This makes me want to hug my dog even more than the time he snapped at my sucio neighbor (the one who leaves her trash outside of her door ALL NIGHT) when she tried to pet him without asking. Only this time when I hug him, I'm going to find a way to communicate to him that when the Grim Reaper finally pulls me down into the great big flaming CROC underground and my family throws a pile of dirt and two bricks over my dead body, he should make himself useful by digging an underground grave for me. It's the least he can do for all those years that I've cut his butt dingles out with tiny scissors. via HuffPo (For Andy) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Kristin Bauer (38) | |
| Twilight Causes Seizures | Top |
And I'm not talking about the crotch seizures that the Twihards bust into when watching RPattz break the headboard with his ultimate sparkle strength. Brandon Gephart of Roseville, CA bravely went into a theater showing Twatilight: Breaking Hymens and came out on a stretcher. Brandon's girlfriend Kelly tells CBS Sacramento that during the scene in the movie where Bella pops out her vampire glitter baby, the annoying effects caused him to convulse, snort and gasp for air. No, Brandon was not caught in a fit of uncontrollable HAHAHAs. Dude was having a full blown Epileptic seizure and he didn't stop until the paramedics arrived to take him the hospital. Well, on a positive note, at least he got out of seeing the rest of the movie. Brandon didn't remember anything until he woke up on the movie theater floor with the paramedics in front of him. This also isn't the first time somebody had a seizure during that mess of a movie. The Hollywood Reporter says that the same thing happened to a dude in Salt Lake City. He blacked out and started shaking during the scene. The man's wife had to slap him several times in the face to try to bring him out of it. Doctors believe that the red, white and black images flashing during the scene can trigger episodes of photosensitive epilepsy. Dr. Michael Chez explained, "It's like a light going off because it hits your brain all at once. The trouble with theaters is that they're so dark, the light flashing in there is more like a strobe light." So now you can add "May induce seizures" next to "May cause you to laugh your lungs out" and "May cause you to drown your face in a bucket of popcorn to get away from Kristen Stewart's non-stop eye blinking" on the Surgeon General's warning for this shit show. And I completely believe that Twilight brings out the seizures in a person, because my throat nearly had one when this bowl of cottage cheese laced with fuckery graced my inbox:
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| Happy Black And Blue Friday! | Top |
| Above is a video taken at one of Hell's franchises on earth (aka Walmart) of Rollback-hungry sluts going crazy over a discounted Xbox 360. You'd think this Xbox has a Fleshlight attachment that vibrates whenever you shoot a bitch up in Call of Duty 3 (let's call it the XXXbox Special), but nope. This is just America and we'd eat a baby's face off to get 10% off of an Xbox. But some crazed Black Friday soldier already had a plan ready when she stepped into the Walmart in Porter Ranch, CA early this morning to fight over that Xbox. The L.A. Times says that the crazy bitch, who had her two kids with her, started pepper spraying at all the other shoppers so they'd scatter for breathable air while she went for the Xbox. Around 20 people including chirruns got sprayed and one of them had to go to the hospital. The LAPD says the pepper-spraying crazy is currently on the loose and they're looking at surveillance video to try to find her. Okay, I just have to laugh at this mess, because the image of some insane Black Friday terrorist attacking her rivals with pepper spray should replace all George Washington as the new face of the $1 bill. That's America! And I'm sure she just won a new job as the head of security at UC Davis. Meanwhile, at another Walmart, a tornado of lunacy erupted over $2 waffle makers that most of those crazies will use twice. You know, I was about to say this clip is about as disgustingly gross as watching a bunch of maggots slithering on a piece of shit in fast motion, but then my eyes were blessed by the butt crack beauty in the blue t-shirt. Now, THAT should be the new face of the $1 bill. All in all, it's been a pretty tame Black Eye Friday so far. As far as I know, nobody's death certificate reads "Death by Black Friday Walmart Tramping" yet, but the day is still young. I'm sure the Black Friday-ers are recharging their crazy at Cinnabon and will be ready to go for round two soon. USA! USA! via Buzzfeed | |
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