The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Elisabetta Canalis Is Still Talking About George Clooney
- Teeth Of Meth No More
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Open Post: Hosted By The Leto In Red
- I Take It Back.
- "I Am Shit-Ra, Princess Of Herpes!"
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Elisabetta Canalis Is Still Talking About George Clooney | Top |
The confidentiality agreement George Clooney made Elisabetta Canalis sign before he handed over a severance package of bus money and a letter of recommendation for her next high-paying john can suck her taint until it goes raw, because she's going to spit out his name for more free press whether his ass likes it or not. Italian journalist Bruno Vespa wrote a new book about love and Elisabetta spilled about her time with George Clooney, because the only time a bitch puts a microphone up to her mouth is when the name Clooney falls off of her tongue. Elisabetta didn't really bite the paw that fed her fame and only had nice-ish things to say about George. People has a few excerpts from the book: Praising the Oscar winner, 50, as "the person who valued my feminine side the most" and "also one of the best people I have met from a charitable point of view," Canalis, 33, went on to say, "he has been a special for me, and very important, just as a father would be." The quote everybody seems to be throwing "YOU SUCIO BITCH" looks at is the "father-daughter relationship" one. Some commenters at People think it's gross, disgusting and weird that she'd label a relationship with a grown dude she took a strap-on to as father-daughter like. But I know what she's saying. What she means is that George liked her to decorate his head in a pink bonnet and spank him on the nalgas while shoving a pacifier in his mouth as she screamed at him, "You bad baby! You bad bad baby!" Yup, Clooney's the daughter. See, totally normal and worth the weekly paycheck. Here's Elisabetta's at the GQ Man of the Year Awards in Berlin on Friday night. Sadly, she lost the top prize to Jared Leto. | |
| Teeth Of Meth No More | Top |
Waking up to the crack house rats nibbling the pieces of shit and meth jank from her rotting butt corn teeth must have been the sign Lindsay Lohan needed to get her ass to a dentist, because she finally did and showed off her new Chiclets on her Twatter page last night with this little note: Thanks Dr. Dorfman for the zoom... My gums are so sore though! ZOOM?! Bitch, now you know you used that Playboy money from smiling your snatch on full-on veneers, not Zoom. If those aren't shiny white graveteeth covers, then that cup on her nightstand is soda instead of piss from a sober baby for future drug testing. I mean, if ZOOM could work that kind of miracle, then I'd use it on my bruised and battered no-no to restore it to its natural glory. It says a lot when LiLo immediately runs out and gets her teeth situation fixed after we all said that mess looked like baked pumpkin seeds out of a dog's ass. But yet she doesn't do anything when the public yells at her to fix her life and shit decision making skills. I mean, this is the shit she chooses to fix? Priorities! On a positive note, at least she has a new dazzling smile for her new mug shot of glamour. And here's LiLo at the morgue on Friday, breaking in her new veneers with a cig. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
For some of us drunk hos, today is the day we pray over a plate of bacon and ask it to perform a miracle by soothing our soul-charring hangovers with its drips of grease. And this sad happy story proves that miracles do happen. The Snoopy dog throwing you an over-the-shoulder look is Daniel, a beagle who is supposed to be barking at the angels in heaven, but came out of the pound's doggy gas chamber (Note: The words "Doggy gas chamber" is the not-so-secret ingredient in the making of a serious sad face) alive. The pound's officials have declared him a miracle dog and named him after Daniel, the dude in the bible who survived the lion's den. When a shelter in New Jersey found out about Daniel, they brought him up north and now they're trying to find him a home. Here's Daniel's story. Grab the Benadryl, your "allergies" are going to start acting up again. It makes my soul smile to know that Daniel survived the doggy gas chamber but then it makes my soul weep into a puddle of weepiness to know that the damn doggy gas chamber still exists. You know, in the olden days (just nod and go with me on this shit) if a dog cheated death they'd declare him the miracle chosen one and he'd become the new god on earth that we must all worship. So, join me in welcoming our new overlord, God Daniel. via NYDN | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Grace Slick (72) | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The Leto In Red | Top |
It was very brave and strong of Jared Leto to show up to last night's GQ Man of the Year Awards in Berlin just an hour after a near-fatal electrocution accident involving shock therapy nipple clamps, a plugged-in vibrator and a tub full of water fried his hair to Marcel from Top Chef proportions. I don't even know.... Either Jared was going for "Wolverine's gorgeous lesbian sister as a 1980s hit woman in an Almodovar movie" or maybe he really wanted bitches to tell him that he looks like a chauffeur from a Zoolander-themed limousine company that just drove through a wind tunnel in a convertible. This mess is more than freshly fucked hair. This is freshly fucked, fried, fluffed and fried again hair. Sometimes that fart nose the hair gel tube make is its way of telling you to STOP!!!! | |
| I Take It Back. | Top |
| Remember yesterday how I said that the crazy bitch who spit up bat shit at Usher for parking in a handicap spot should smoke some a bowl out of a Valium bong while a kitten massages her ear with its purrs to calm her ass down? It's a good thing I kept a receipt for that comment, because I'm taking it back. Usher deserves to be covered with bat shit and beat with a dozen handicap parking placards for giving birth to the maple syrup-covered anti-Christ who is responsible for this dark-sided drummer boy fuckery (featuring Busta Rhymes). The drummer boy just stopped drumming and poked his ears out with his sticks. Jesus just put a call in to Maury, because if he can prove that God is not the father, then Christmas is canceled forever and this song can be erased from the planet to never be heard from again. Jesus, let me dial that number for you. Oh, and here's another one to bang your head against a wall to. Mimi, you'll never be forgiven for this. | |
| "I Am Shit-Ra, Princess Of Herpes!" | Top |
Putting the whore in Whore-O-Ween, Wonky McValtrex showed up to some stupid party in L.A. last night dressed in costume as one of my childhood heroes, She-Ra. Seeing this useless piece of dried pussy vomit as the most beautiful and strongest goddess in Eternia should make me punch out my eye until it's as wonky as hers, but it doesn't. That cheap ass costume looks like it cost about $2.99, which is $2.98 more than that gutter-snatched dildo is worth, and so most hos probably didn't even see She-Ra in this at all. Bitch looks more like Alice the Goon working as a cocktail waitress at a Caesars Palace knock-off casino on the outskirts of Reno where the drinks are cheap and so are the handjobs behind the broken slot machine in the back. The fact that Wonky thinks she can pull off She-Ra is as funny as the fact that her purse probably cost $2,000 and looks like it was a budget special at Claire's. Everything that cheap whore touches turns to cheap. Breaking news. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Orty Kastaun, the 61-year-old German woman whose name is going down in the Guinness World Record books for having the world's largest collection of clowns and the woman whose name is going down in your personal record books for having the world's largest collection of NIGHTMARE MAKERS! Just in time for Halloween! Like some shit out of Hoarders: Horror Doll Edition, Orty's family of 2,000 terror toys of death became so large that she had to move to a bigger house. While some might see Orty's clowns as minions from the ninth circle who will unravel their yarn eyes to choke you out in the neck as they cackle from their tiny mouths, Orty says they are her family and they are helping her to stay sober. They scared that ho off that bottle! Yes, when the night is quiet, they softly whisper into her ear, "Stay away from the bottle, but reach for that butcher knife in the kitchen and KILL KILL KILL!" If clowns are the secret to sobriety, then make it a damn double. Better yet, pour me a shot from that bottle of the sweet nectar you're clenching like if you let it go a clown is going to replace it. via The Daily What | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Winona Ryder (40) | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Quick Programming Note: This might be my last post of the day (I know, I'll scream "LAZY WHORE!" at the mirror fifteen times today), because I'm going away for the weekend. I'll be posting a tiny bit during the weekend and Monday will be a half Halloween day for my ass. And no "going away for the weekend" is not code for "going to weekend jail because I broke the restraining order Anderson Cooper has against me," but thanks for asking. (Okay, it totally is.) Now on to links! Heidi Klum, please stop with the trick or treat games and immediately give Slim Goodbody his suit back - The Berry When I look at Jessica Biel's shoulders all I see is cribskirt genocide - Lainey Gossip Coming in 2012: Wedding Crashers II starring Courtney Love - Celebitchy Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a police uniform. That is all. - The Superficial Seeing Darren Criss yodel out Last Friday Night just completely drained my "tolerance for cheeriness" tank - Towleroad The Pillsbury Doughboy just found himself a weekend full of fapping material - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Elisha Cuthbert as Marilyn Monroe - Hollywood Tuna Shia LaDouche graduates from Tool Academy with honors - Popsugar My abuelita works that sweater with more swagger than Rupert Everett ever could. Truth. - ICYDK Somebody Heimlich that cat! Bitch obviously swallowed a dog! - OMG Blog This is a direct threat to Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis - Popoholic If you take away the "Billboard" logo and Justin Bieber's name this really would look like a club flyer for a holiday-themed all 80s lesbian night - Just Jared Game over. This wins Halloween. - The Daily What "Calm down, everyone! This isn't what it looks like and I know it looks like I'm wearing the remains of a peacock after it got shredded in a lawn mower." - Hollywood Rag My final guess is....Tommy Girl - Cityrag Hep pus and pickle juice in a bottle - Celebslam Alert the aviary, one of their tweaked out flamingos got loose - I'm Not Obsessed | |
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