Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 1st! Top

via FunPic

 
Open Post: Hosted By Gremlins Top

There you were thinking that outdoing Heidi Klum at her own Halloween party was a task more impossible than "White Oprah's mound of mashed coke brain producing a reasonable thought" and "Michael K not dragging every story in a gutter of filthy fuck sauce," but fashion designers Phillipe and David Blond proved us all wrong in NYC last night. They threw all the other costumes into a blender set to high when they stepped out on the carpet as Greta Gremlin and some other Gremlin. This is the kind of costume you get when you've got money, resources and the ability to breathe in oxygen from a pin hole the size of an ant's vagina.

The Blondes might've passed out on the dance floor due to mask suffocation and dehydration, but I'm sure they looked like a puddle of sexy smegma lying there. To think, if Teresa Giudice dyed her hair green and only wore red lipstick, she'd look as hot as this. Get yourself some Manic Panic, 'Resa!

Here's a few other hos in costumes at Heidi Klum's second Halloween party last night. In order: Natasha Bedingfield as someone from Misfits (I think), Amber Rose as Slash, Kyle McLaughlin as GOOP's kryptonite, Fergie Fug as a Toddlers & Tiaras pageant queen, Heidi & Seal as Khloe Kardashian's true parents and Michelle Trachtenberg as Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas.

 
Pimp Mama Kris Could've Saved Nicole Brown Simpson's Life Top

As Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig tries to give the performance of her stupid life by woeisme-ing over her publicity stunt marriage coming to an end at LAX last night (see below), the whoriest whore of all whores is out there whoring out her dead best friend for some attention of her very own. Pimp Mama Kris is peddling her memoirs about how she went from Jack Tripper's wingman to an ambassador from HELL, and in it she basically digs up Nicole Brown's grave with her satanic claws, pulls out the bones and poses next to 'em for the cameras. Just when you thought this fame fucking whore master couldn't get any lower, the bitch opens a trapdoor.

Long before Kris' ex-husband got O.J. Simpson off, she was best friends with Nicole Brown Simpson and she claims that the two talked the morning of the murder. According to Kris, Nicole wanted her to come over to talk to her about something important (important being her ex-husband was going to kill her). Kris couldn't get away from her family duties and she thinks that if she did meet with Nicole, her friend of 15 years would still be alive today. Radar has the excerpts that will be used to argue for Kris Jenner to take Lucifer's place after he destroys himself over creating these whore monsters.

Nicole called her early on June 12th, Kris writes. "Nicole said, "Can you get over here...? I need to talk to you. It's really important'."

Busy with her own children, Kris asked if they could put it off until the next day. But Nicole was persistent. "'That's okay, can you meet me tomorrow for lunch? I really have to talk to you about something really, really important'." Says Kris, "It would be the last time I would ever speak to Nicole."

The next morning, Kris was plunged into shock and trauma as she woke to the news that her close friend had been stabbed to death. "I instinctively knew that in some way O.J. had something to do with her death.

"I truly couldn't believe she had been so betrayed by the person who she had once loved most. That O.J. would be so destructive and selfish and jealous that he would do that to her was just mind-blowing to me. All these thoughts were running through my mind: This can't be true."

Her sadness grew even deeper as she realized that changing her schedule to meet Nicole on the eve of her murder could have saved Nicole's life. A mutual friend later told her, Kris writes, that "Nicole had been beaten up by O.J. and she had been keeping this physical proof in the form of photographs and, it would turn out, other evidence, in which she had documented seventeen years of abuse. Nicole really wanted someone close to her to know what was going on, so that somebody - namely me - could be a witness."

Kris was devastated at missing the opportunity to possibly save her. She recalls screaming, "'Oh my God! It's too late! It's too late!'...The realization that she had wanted to confide in me hit me so hard. ... And I had let her down."

This bitch's ego probably looks like the inside of a colonic machine. What's the point of saying this? Did Pimp Mama Kris even testify that she spoke to Nicole that day? Probably not. Why testify for free when you can testify in a tell-all book for a quick check?

The only way to shut this Pimp Mama Kris' mouth is to let her know that if she "saved" Nicole Brown Simpson's life, then there probably wouldn't be a murder trial, which means Robert Kardashian wouldn't be a household name, which means Kim would still be Parasite Hilton's Valtrex holder and the tattered skin on Ray-J's dick would be more relevant than her entire family. "Uh. Strike my last statement from the record" is probably the line that would fall out of Pimp Mama Kris' mouth next.

 
PETA Isn't Happy With Reese Witherspoon For Carrying A Python Purse Top

Reese Witherspoon's Chloe Paraty bag (yes, we're leaving in a world where purses have first and last names) costs more than a thousand delicious McGymMats and it also is the reason why a python was tortured, skinned and killed. The last part is what made the professional statement makers at PETA release a statement directed at Jake Gyllenhaal's former face warmer.

The $4,000 bag can't be sold in California, because selling anything made with python is illegal in the state, but carrying anything made of python is not. (Note: For those of you who are sick of heaving over the staged photos that Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison sell to the photo agencies, that California law might be of interest to you. You know, because Courtney's face definitely has some kind of python in it.)

PETA verbally threw a bucket of red paint at Reese's bag and then described in detail to the Daily Mail how pythons are skinned.

"No matter how much Reese paid for that bag, the animals paid a much higher price. Every year, millions of snakes are impaled on hooks or nailed to trees by their heads and skinned alive.

Hoses are inserted into the mouths of large snakes—like pythons—and their bodies are pumped full of water to loosen their skin so that it will cut away more easily. The animals' peeled, writhing bodies are then discarded, and it often takes days for the animals to die from the effects of shock and dehydration.

We can't imagine that she'd wish to contribute to this hidden suffering, especially for something as frivolous as a fashion accessory that can be replicated with no bloodshed. These days, it's easy to have a look that kills without killing, with fake snake, mock croc, python pleather, and other designer items that pay tribute to the beauty of these animals without massacring them."

So, I guess PETA is taking back that Sexiest Vegetarian award they gave Reese a few years back.

One of my old co-workers, who didn't own one handbag, convinced me that carrying a purse is completely useless because: a) God gave her an all-natural money clip (read: her titty cleavage); b) The bottom of a purse is where sticks of gum are crushed and murdered; c) A purse is a beacon for thieving thieves and d) When she gets fired from a job, she has one less thing to carry during the walk of shame to her Honda. So because of this, spending $4,000 on a purse that doesn't serve a dual purpose (examples: pistol purse, umbrella bag, wine purse, etc...) is a waste of cash to me.

And to be fair to Reese, if she was out in the wild, she'd probably be able to kill, skin and purse-ify a python with her chin. So, there's that.

 
ScarJo's Nipple Pics Were Meant For Ryan Reynolds' Eyes Only Top

Thanks to a hacker, who could get more time in the chokey than most rapists, ScarJo's titty knobs are just a Google search away from landing on your eyeballs and she pretty much shrugs off their existence to Vanity Fair while sticking a gold star on her cell phone pose skills. Yes, you know ScarJo had Ty Ty Baby in her head as she tried to smile with her nipple holes (smipping?) and work those angles. You also know that Ty Ty is probably going to do a ridiculous naked celebrity cell phone photo shoot based on ScarJo's comments.

"I know my best angles," she says with her trademark insouciance. "They were sent to my husband," now ex Ryan Reynolds. "There's nothing wrong with that. It's not like I was shooting a porno." She adds saucily, "Although there's nothing wrong with that either."

While I give ScarJo a few spare points for sort of taking the Cassie route by saying in so many words "It's just a titty!," I need her to stop with that "best angle" shit. Bitch, your best angle should be the one that clearly gives us a shot of Ryan Reynolds' fully erect dick game. Seriously. If ScarJo gave Ryan the gift of her texted titty, then I'm sure he returned the favor by slapping a dick pic on her cell phone screen. "Where are those pictures?," said a million slobbering genitals.

Either the hacker is not an equal opportunity pic stealer and is prejudiced against celebrity man dick, or ScarJo deleted Ryan's pics but kept hers on her phone. The next time a celebrity (not Sean Penn) sends a peen portrait to ScarJo and her finger hovers over the delete button, I really hope she thinks about the possibility of a hacker hacking into her phone and leaking said peen portrait onto the Internet for all of us to see. If she deletes that pic, she's keeping the public-at-large from getting some celebrity dick in their lonely lives. Think about this, ScarJo! Stop being so selfish!

And yes, don't worry, I'm taking my tray to the dark part of the cafeteria to sit with the other pervs.

 
Chris Brown's Hallowpeen Costume Was Really Subtle Top

Chris Brown slipped his duck legs into an alien bodysuit for his Halloween costume, which I can only describe as a "huge green dick slapping the word 'attention' over and over again" and Tweeted a picture of it with the note: "I don't think I can wear this costume tonight! Gonna change!" Yeah, Chris used a lot of characters to basically say: LOOKATME!

I would say that Chris needs to have a seat on a Chris Brown dildo so that he can fuck himself, but humping on the spotlight by posing for this picture is keeping him distracted from the tampon that is obviously trying to escape out of his crotch. Shhh. Don't tell Chris. Run, tampon, run!

Source: Chris Brown's Twatter via ONTD

 
Anderson Cooper As Phil Donaboo Top

When the avalanche of HAHAHAHAHAHAHAs out of my mouth crashed straight into the Kardassalanche yesterday, my priorities got knocked out of order and I completely missed posting these pictures of The Silver Fox as the original Silver Fox (according to Connie Chung). I know, what kind of self-respecting crazed obsessive stalker am I? It's not enough that I'm currently reading The Hongray Games and picturing that Foxface girl as Silverfoxface girl, I should've paused everything and used my bandwidth on posting these priceless visible giggles instead. Well, as my slutty high school friend used to say about her period (aka a bloody sigh of relief), better late than never!

So here's Mah Boo dressed up as his personal hero Phil Donahue for the Halloween episode of his talk show yesterday. The fact that Mah Boo as Phil Donahue looks more like a young Leslie Nielsen as Sophia Petrillo in a Schoolhouse Rock cartoon should wrap my badly dented soul with a hug of warm giggles, but I'm disappointed that his hero is Phil Donahue. Not because I think Phil Donahue isn't hero-material, but because Phil Donahue is always wearing clothes! It was Slutoween and Anderson completely covered up his whitecap chest and double white moon nalgas. Why oh why couldn't his hero be a trick whose torso is allergic to cloth and whose nipples enter a room before they do? You know, a trick like Courtney Stodden (who is obviously Mah Boo's REAL hero, let's be real). Boo at Mah Boo's Slutoween costume!

But a special thanks to the lady soldier with the honey hair flip in the front for shooting airy hearts at him with her eyes for the both of us.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 31st! Top

That poor dental team really worked hard on Lindsay's teefs. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

The reason for Kim Kuntrashian's divorce comes to light: Kris found her last husband up Kim's ass. - LaChaylo

Daniel Edwards unveils his newest statue- Steven Tyler's fall in the shower. - ISprainedMyUvula

Out behind the dumpster of Carrot Top's plastic surgeon - Half.Mexican.Wonder

The Gourd, the Bad, and the Ugly. - pad408

via Break.com

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Gul Dukat from Star Trek, the ONLY Cardassian we should be talking about! (Examples for why: The dude has a kitchen ladle embedded into his forehead and I lost count at how many half boner he's got growing out of his skin. Gul is ribbed for all of our pleasures.) And yes, I'll re-read this after I write my 529,875th post on the "other" Kardassian of the day.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Toni Collette (39)
Penn Badgley (25)
Bo Bice (36)
Aishwarya Rai (38)
Jenny McCarthy (39)
Tina Arena (44)
Sophie B. Hawkins (44)
Rick Allen (48)
Anthony Kiedis (49)
Charlie Kaufman (53)
Rachel Ticotin (53)
Lyle Lovett (54)
Beth Leavel (56)
David Foster (62)
Larry Flynt (69)
Marcia Wallace (69)

 

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