The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Sexyfacing Like A Whore In Church
- Anne Hathaway Is Engaged To Some Dude Who Hopefully Isn't A Con Man
- Woe Is Brandi Glanville
- Two Beautiful Words: PEPAW FIGHT!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 23rd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Open Post: Hosted By Posh And Harper Seven
- Sunday Crumbs
- Miley Cyrus Is A Raging Stoner
| Sexyfacing Like A Whore In Church | Top |
Just like every good Christian girl, 17-year-old Courtney Stodden gave herself tromp l'oeil cleavage with the bronzer of Christ and shoved her iguana feet into too-small prayin' heels to thank Jesus for clear bra straps at her church yesterday. You know, I don't go to church because the wine they serve is way too fucking weak, but if this ethereal Komodo Slut Dragon slithered in, I'd find a way to turn my pew around to worship at her suffocating feet and the 90s relic wrapped around her arm. God would understand, because when he created humans, he hoped that we would evolve into mortal goddesses whose prized possession is a Victoria's Secret charge card. Just like Courtney. I bet when the collection plate came around, everybody threw dollar bills at Courtney instead. Can I get an AMEN (and a police officer, because I'm pretty sure Courtney stole the purse my mom bought at Fedco in the 80s)? | |
| Anne Hathaway Is Engaged To Some Dude Who Hopefully Isn't A Con Man | Top |
Anne Hathaway just won't let those "Anne Hathaway is a big ole' lez" rumors be great, because she is now wearing a promise to get hitched ring given to her by a dude who looks like Alice the Goon in disguise as Ryan Gosling. Anne's rep confirms to People that her 30-year-old boyfriend of 3 years Adam Shulman got down on one knee, gazed deeply into her TEEFS (since there's really nowhere else for your eyes to go) and asked her to marry his ass. Her rep also said that Adam, who is an actor/jooree designer (HA!), helped to design her engagement ring (click here to see it if you care). Anne and Adam started bumping teeth three years ago right after she broke up with the Italian fiancé who claimed to be the CEO of the Vatican in order to swindle investors out of millions of dollars. Anne pretty much only started dating Adam so he could hump the memory of Raffy from her brain, but then she fell in love or something. Anne said this about Adam a few months ago, "I am very much in love with him, [only] Adam totally ruined my plan. I was really actually looking forward to a little alone time, and then I fell in love like a fool!" You know, Anne's bright white Chiclets are looking extra swole in that picture, which could only mean one thing: the ho is knocked up! (Just go with me on this, you'll thank me later). This means that Anne is in no condition to finishing shooting that Batman shit, which means her role will have to be completely reshot, which means Julie Newmar will have to be brought in since she knows the role. We've been saved from Anne's Catwoman! Our nightmare is over. We can thank Adam for that. Adam may look like a creeper whose eyes are so beady from squinting through a tiny hole in a public bathroom to watch ladies pee, but he's our savior! | |
| Woe Is Brandi Glanville | Top |
Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife Brand Glanville spent her Thanksgiving gorging on mashed self-pity and sweet potato WAAAAH, because she says she spent the holiday all by her sad lonesome self while her boys were forced to watch their evil stepmother nibble on grains of revenge in her feedbag. Since the word "private" is a foreign one to Brandi's ass, the slut pig (copyright: Kim Richards) got on the Twatter stage to let out a long, mournful fart about how Eddie got the kids for Thanksgiving and he's trying to get them for Christmas too. Brandi claimed that Eddie sent her a threatening e-mail about their custody agreement and she thinks he believes she's one of the reasons why The Playboy Club got canceled and so he's punishing her for it. These are the notes that floated off of Brandi's violin as she played a sad song for herself: @hatecheaters23 any divorce lawyers wanna give me some advice on a threatening email?Its like he is punishing me cuz he lost his job! LeAnn Rimes is usually the kind of War Horse that can't wait to gallop into a Twitter fight, but when The Babble (via ONTD) asked her to respond to this mess, the malnourished Falcor acted like barfing out private shit on Twitter is way below her even though she invented that shit. Until private, family matters can stay that way we cannot communicate properly and through a public forum is not the way. I have fallen short myself out of anger, but for the kids sake only try to share happiness. It's no one's business, our family business and since you will not hear both sides of the story no one should judge nor jump to conclusions. I do not know what has been said except for what I just read, but it's far from the truth, I will say that. But who needs words when a picture is worth a thousand stabs to Brandi's lonely pathetic heart. On Thanksgiving Day, LeAnn Tweeted the above picture of her, Eddie and Brandi's boys. This is the part in the post where I'm supposed to write that Brandi and LeAnn both need to shut the Tweet up, but I'm too busying trying to figure out if Eddie's Movember stache is hot in a 70s pornstar kind of way or if it makes him look like a 1950s Cuban plantation owner who rapes the goats when the ranch hands aren't looking. And here's a braless LeAnn showing off her Ziploc Bag tits in Malibu on Saturday. | |
| Two Beautiful Words: PEPAW FIGHT! | Top |
| Proving that you're never too old (or disabled) to beat a geezer down, two retired football players got into a cane-wielding, flower-slapping old bitch battle at the Canadian Football League alumni luncheon in Vancouver on Friday. This is what the Werther's Original aisle at Rite-Aid looked like on Black Friday. YAASSS! The real-life Grumpy Old Men shit started when 73-year-old Joe Kapp, former quarterback for the B.C. Lions, tried to give his forever arch rival, 74-year-old Angelo Mosca, former defensive tackle for the Hamilton Tiger Cats, a flower. Angelo then said the words his nurse said earlier in the day to him as she handed him a suppository: "STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!" Boom. The bell went off and the Beneficial-sponsored Pepawweight Championship of the Retirement Home was on. Joe pushed the flower against Angelo's nose and the two went at it as the audience laughed, because priceless comedy IS two old cunts fighting over stupid shit. The only thing missing from this mess is Betty White in a bikini holding up a Round Two card as Angelo and Joe sip Ensure out of sippy cups in their corners. A winner wasn't declared, but when two old ass hos start swinging their canes at each other, we all win! via Gawker (Thanks to Rose & Tom for sending this Metamucil mess in) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 23rd! | Top |
**Everyone who buys from Bronx Fiat today, receives an authentic J-Lo body double doll** - Sandbitch Runners-up: Yeah, Chris Brown, I'm sure that'll make Rhianna jealous. - guruXen Awww look, Beyonce's fake baby bump is all grown up. - daisy100 via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Mama Joyce from The Real Housewives of Atlanta! On last night's episode, Kandi threw herself a 35th birthday party (I know, I had to Wiki that "35" to make sure it was correct too.) and Miss Phaedra, the secret swamp child of the Princess AND the frog, jumped off her proper lily pad and brought out a special gift in the form of a man stripper called Ridiculous (emphasis on DIC). Ridiculous is one of Phaedra's "clients" and she's always bragging about how he's got a dick so big that he can knock himself in the tonsils with his own peen head. And apparently, that's we he did at Kandi's birthday party. Ridiculous brought out the beast and as SWAT team helicopters flew above the roof thinking that Cloverfield was attacking Atlanta, Kandi's mom Joyce rang her own alarm. As soon as Ridiculous started waving around his gut buster, Mama Joyce nearly passed a dozen kidney stones and strung them into a necklace so she could clutch them in horror at all the dark-sided ho shit going down at her daughter's party. I mean, Mama Joyce actually said "I don't like no damn strippers!" and "This is fucked up!" Out of all the things to say "This is fucked up!" about, Mama Joyce chooses this shit? Not the fact that Dwight hasn't been in one episode this season or that Sheree's building a Chateau de Short Sale when we know the bitch can barely afford a room at the Super 8. Sheree is a walking expired Groupon coupon. But more about Mama Joyce.... I kept waiting for Mama Joyce to splash holy water at Ridiculous and rebuke his crotch serpent back into the depths of hell. The caramel-colored dandelion on Mama Joyce's head almost caught on fire and everyone's temperature at that party reached a fever pitch from all of the hot side-eyes she kept throwing. Here's a clip of Mama Joyce running from the dick and driving straight to church to sit on a bowl of holy water: Now, I love strippers that can suck their own dicks, but I think I love Mama Joyce's reaction to strippers that can suck their own dicks even more. (Put on your safety goggles and click here if you want to see Ridiculous in action.) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Ryan Kwanten (35) | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Posh And Harper Seven | Top |
Here's the Prada brand broomstick that is Posh Beckham working the hell out of that baby while struttin' her non-ass on the tiled catwalk of LAX yesterday afternoon. Posh's right arm bone is splintering from holding all of Harper Seven's weight, but her reputation as the fashion icon of all fashion icons (this is the part where you roll your eyes into a Chanel logo) is at stake and so she's glamour-ing through the pain. A stroller would completely mess up her silhouette and she needs her other hand to show off the stupid pocket in her $10,000 skirt! Anna Wintour would rather lick lard off of a fat fuck's fupa than put Posh on the cover of Vogue, but that isn't stopping this ant in a weave from living her life like she's on the cover of Vogue. Shortly after this picture of Posh came out, sales for the Birkin bag dropped to an all-time low and Hermès has pulled the bag from its collection forever. But the good news is that Hermès is now selling BABIES!!! instead. Get on the waiting list while still can. | |
| Sunday Crumbs | Top |
| Meanwhile at an Urban Outfitters in Thousand Oaks, Black Friday crazies stampeded the entrance like hos were giving out drops of Anderson Cooper's jizz in crystal vials shaped like Prince Hot Ginge's peen. Where is that pepper spraying UC Davis asshole when you really need him? - Buzzfeed What could've been = Zahara and Shiloh holding down Jennifer Aniston while Maddox punches one of her favorite Beanie Babies right before her pained eyes - Popsugar As you suck strange dick in a park bathroom tonight, say a quick "get well" prayer for George Michael - Towleroad JLo's new piece looks like a midget-sized Vinny from Jersey Shore - TMZ Like Michael Lohan has a heart in the first place - Jezebel Throw a fannypack on RPattz and he'd be dressed just like my abuelita on Black Friday - Lainey Gossip Chaz Bono is going to be a husband - People If you turn to the last page of the Bible, it simply reads: Lastly, DON'T FUCK WITH CHER. Nicki Minaj needs to learn this. - BlackBook A sparkle turkey won Turkey Day Weekend - Coming Soon | |
| Miley Cyrus Is A Raging Stoner | Top |
| Somewhere up in a smoke room in heaven, Bob Marley is toking with the angels to burn away the memory of Miley Cyrus blowing out her 19 birthday candles on a cake with his face on it. The Daily posted this video from Miley's birthday party last weekend of her telling her friends that "you know you're a stoner when friends make you a Bob Marley cake — you know you smoke way too much fuckin' weed." Kelly Osbourne, who's in the video and makes a salvia joke, immediately jumped onto her Twatter after this video came out to defend Marijuana Montana: let me make something very clear after @MileyCyrus salvia incident we started calling her bob miley as a JOKE! the cake was also If I was Miley Cyrus and had a dad who always gets caught fucking a box of Corn Pops in the family kitchen and a brother who always kicks me in the knees when I walk up behind him, I'd have a vaporizer permanently attached to my breathing holes. But Miley needs to keep her weed smoking ways to herself before she really ruins it for everyone. When Miley got caught smoking "salvia," prudish bitches called for a ban on it. So now thanks to this video, those same prudish bitches will fight the legalization of the good shit. They'll tell parents everywhere that if their snowflakes smoke weed, they'll brains will turn to molasses and their vocal cords will turn into a scratching post just like Miley! But Miley's not like that because she hits the bong. Miley's like that because Billy Ray took that extra swig of moonshine while conceiving her in the back alley of a Friendly's. Miley really does ruin everything. | |
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