The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- "Queen, You Are Fooling Exactly No One With This Butch Bitch Look."
- Open Post: Hosted By EPICMEALTIME
- Michael Lohan Is Sick In More Ways Than One
- Who Worked It Better?
- "Beyonce Birthin' That Pillow" Watch Begins
- Deion Sanders' Daughter Called Out Her Exiting Step-Mom On Twitter
- May The Contract Negotiations Begin!
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
| "Queen, You Are Fooling Exactly No One With This Butch Bitch Look." | Top |
The poster for the upcoming Nicole Kidman and Zac Efron flick, The Paperboy, has been released. Jadis and the REAL Pretty Girl are riding off to the Mac counter in their vintage automobile. The old-school look of the poster is doing it for me, but you can take Stoned Guy and John Cusack's Ted Bundy eyes out of it. Nic Kidman and Efron have GOT this, hunty! Yeah, she's supposed to be trying to morph her suspended animation face into "hot n' fun cougar" and he's trying to be a scaliwag young man aching to stick his dick in her. However, it actually reads as "boozy stage mom taunting her gay son over his asshole bleaching pain." I'd rather see THAT movie. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By EPICMEALTIME | Top |
| Since this is my usual morning routine, sans all that gross food stuff, this video was music to my bloodshot eyes. If you're not a professional though, you may want to consider covering the eyes of your internal organs while you marvel in the culinary delights of these upstanding citizens showing the world how brunch (and every meal, really) is done RIGHT. If after watching this you wake up in a bathtub full of ice because your heart and liver surgically removed themselves from your ass, don't worry. They're not gone, they're just hiding under the bed next to your old broken butt plug, pizza crusts, and the pile of Grannies Gone Wild mags. You're welcome. And can I get a round of applause for their note Bravo, and slow clap for my new heroes. | |
| Michael Lohan Is Sick In More Ways Than One | Top |
No, the picture above has nothing to do with the story, but it's fucking funny and humiliating and must be shared with the world. The human epic fail that is Michael Lohan is back in the hospital. Not for the genital warts, herp, and general petri dish that is is crotch area, or to surgically remove the cell phone holder that is welded to his waist. Radar Online says that on Tuesday, the original fuck up of the Lohan family collapsed during an AA meeting and had to be rushed by ambulance to Palm Beach Gardens Hospital where they found a blood clot in his lung. He's currently taking meds to break up the clot and having CAT scans and an MRI to make sure none of the clot went to his brain. Like anything would voluntarily go there, please. After they release him he'll go right back to his 120-day court ordered rehab. You know, the one the courts slapped on his stupid ass after he tried to Spiderman into the top of a tree to elude arrest. In December he underwent surgery to remove a blockage and open an artery in his heart (Milo has a heart? Who knew.) then had to go back to the hospital for a staph infection on the heels of that. Poor staph infection. And poor sickly Michael. At 51 maybe he should think of taking better care of his broken down ass instead of beating women and playing special needs Tarzan. Or he should just ask his daughter to utter the magic words "MOVE THAT CLOT, I'M LINDSAY LOHAN". I hope he gets well soon, just so he can continue to be an utter embarrassment to his family. On a related note, there are suddenly lots of openings for nurses at Palm Beach Gardens. To apply, send your resume to michaellohaninahospitalgownisnoreasontooffmyself.com. | |
| Who Worked It Better? | Top |
On the left is a Photoshop artiste's rendering of Lil' Kim Jong-Il, and on the right is a hot bitch who pretty much knows it won this battle without even clenching its anal glands and moving its paw. Kim tried to win this shit by getting a ho to Photoshop her arms until they looked like two twigs harvesting skunk testicles on them. (Seriously, Kim's arms are what a dick looks like when it does ass sex with a Kardashian before her daily crack wax and dingle cleanse.) But the poodle truly knows how to wear pube puffs on its limbs. Therefore, the poodle wins (like you didn't already know). And in case you a need a reminder on Photoshop's talent at turning fuckery into mega fuckery, here's the full promo tease from Kim's new album: Bitch looks like a Barbie that became a new home to a family of woolly bear caterpillars after it was left out in the backyard. Kim even has that "forgotten Barbie" look about her. But I shouldn't hate, because I'm sure PayPal is tripling up their server since it's obvious that Kim's new album is going to top the PayPal charts! | |
| "Beyonce Birthin' That Pillow" Watch Begins | Top |
I hope they name it "Sobakawa Carter." Beyonce has reportedly checked into NYC's St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital on the Upper West Side to unstrap that BABIES!!! stand-in pillow. I kid, because unless she's been eating her and husband Jay-Z's weight in Taco Bell as a cover, she's got to be with child. CBS News (by way of Media Takeout) says that a "celebrity VIP" is taking up half of the hospital's labor and delivery suite. It's supposed to be big enough to fit "three deliveries and a dozen overnight guests". Camera crews to record every second of this baby's birth for photo sales take up a shitload of room! We will keep you posted. Or Sweetas and I will. Michael K. just texted us from an Italian jail. He didn't get arrested, he's just there looking for especially skeevy dick. If this IS some faked pregnancy shit, I have questions. How in hell are they going to sneak that illegal immigrant girl into the hospital and fix her under Beyonce so it looks like the actual human child is coming out of Sasha Fierce's wooka and not the surrogate's? This poor thing has been holed up in a secret apartment under the pseudonym of "LeToya Luckett" and now she's about to meet B face-to-back-of-head! There's going to be some slapstick juggling when they try to get that Serta Memory Foam Pillow Beyonce has had strapped to her out of the way so they can hand Jay-Z the baby. You be sure and get that check for going through all this fuckery, illegal immigrant broodmare girl! | |
| Deion Sanders' Daughter Called Out Her Exiting Step-Mom On Twitter | Top |
Judging by his expression, the kid on the right saw this shit coming. NFL Hall of Famer (I have straight friends who explain these things) Deion Sanders is pouring lime on the corpse that is his marriage. His wife Pilar tearfully claims she found out on TMZ. Deion's daughter Deiondra wanted a word with Pilar on this and took it to Twitter. Pilar's hair isn't layed like Merry Christmas, according to Miss Deiondra. The names in this mess sound like one of those telenovelas that Michael K.'s abuelita used to beat his brat ass in front of.
That's right, Pilar, Miss Deiondra SAW your gold-diggin' result Louis Vuitton bags packed and ready in the damn hallway! She knew ALL about your dream to be Drunk Ass Tami Roman 2.0 (that's basketball, though - straight friends)! She SAW your triflin' ass on Expedia booking booty call flights! Deiondra SEES, bitch! Pilar's lawyer says that the Sanders' marriage is between two adults and "doesn't involve engaging this kind of faceless accusations made by his child." It's going to be hot when Deiondra starts tweeting him with hashtags like #YoClientIsSUSPECT and #HowYoTopPriorityBeenRepresentinThisForkedTongueDevil. The next time my partner pisses me off, I'm going to ask Miss Deiondra to Tweet his ass with "#HowYouDidntKnow to wash that dish" or "#HowYoTopPriorityBeen taking pics of the dog with Instagram when your damn Dunkin' Donuts wrappers are piling up on the floor of our car?!?!" (via TMZ) | |
| May The Contract Negotiations Begin! | Top |
No, this is not a picture of Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana showing off the amazing skills they learned from Taylor Swift & Jake Gyllenhaal's School Of Showmance Acting. This is B.Coop and Zoe acting acting on the set of their movie The Words back in June. Last month, some whores were trying to say that B.Coop brought Zoe Saldana in for a beard fitting, but both of their reps tore up that rumor up. This made Father Victor Garber throw a holy smoldering side-eye at that situation. But now, some source is telling E! News that B.Coop and Zoe are definitely bumping assholes and they're even spending the holidays together in the Rockies. This definitely made Victor Garber throw an "Are U Serious?!" scowl face. E! News puts B.Coop's latest fauxmance like this: But as recently as last week, a source tells E! News, they were telling friends that they had plans to go skiing in the Rockies together over the holidays. In the past few months, B.Coop has supposedly been humping on JLo, Olivia Wilde, Melanie Laurent and now Zoe Saldana. B.Coop better slow his shit down or he's going to get face chaffing from growing and shaving so many damn beards. And his publicist is going to get burnt fingertips from working the BlackBerry so hard. But seriously, doesn't it seems like it was just yesterday when B.Coop was trying on his first beard, Squinty Zellweger, and now he's like a seasoned beard wearer and shit. Renee must be squinting out a prideful tear over how much her B.Coopy has grown. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
This actress claims to be a natural girl. She eats a clean, mostly organic diet, cares about animals, and dabbles in homeopathic remedies to treat most ailments. She claims that her enviable figure and flawless complexion are the natural results of healthy living and lots of exercise. The truth is that her body has been stuffed with more implants and fillers than a Christmas goose. And, away from the cameras, her diet consists mainly of cheeseburgers and ExLax. (Blind Gossip) So, let's see, a bitch of the fake variety who injects herself full of non-organic shit but still claims she's as pure as a free range chicken's fart? This has to be GOOPY Paltrow herself! Just please tell me her beloved wood burning pizza oven isn't actually a cheeseburger burning pizza oven. There's only so much my preservatives-filled heart can take in one blind item. A "manly-man" actor who comes off as very macho both on film and off went on a hike with some friends last week in the LA mountains. Although he bragged to friends about his expertise in the wilderness, he had to be guided out by his wife as she gave him GPS instructions via cell phone. He was only a half-mile from his car. (BuzzFoto) I would laugh, but here in Italy, I get lost crossing the street. And my official guess is...The Rock? So, this actor is A list. Barely. He had a franchise but really nothing else. A couple of times he has headlined a movie since the franchise, but the results have not been good so I think he lost his tentative hold on A list and is back at B where he belongs. The franchise was a fluke anyway. It made some other people stars who have no business being in movies. I am reserving judgment on this guy. Anyway, he has a celebrity girlfriend which is kept super quiet. Not that it is private, just they go to great lengths for two not very huge stars to keep things private. More on his part, I think then hers. She could use some publicity. The thing is, our actor seems kind of shy about the whole relationship because there have been rumors, especially now, that he has quite the thing for the mother of the celebrity girlfriend. The mother happens to have had her own tentative A/B list hold on her movie career throughout the years. (CDAN) Zac Efron, Rumer Willis & Demi Moore? There has to be a good reason for why a pretty pretty princess like Zac would venture into the Kingdom of the Tater-Headed Trolls. Zac just wants to know the secret to Demi's "gorilla giving birth while having a seizure" moves. Four announcements coming up! You already know that the New Year will bring the arrival of a little Princess for this floppy and humpy celebrity couple who are both in the same business. But there are big announcements coming up for some other celebrities as well. This mixed marriage – where the husband and wife are in different fields – will announce that they are pregnant. They will hold off on the announcement until they are at the end of their first trimester (February). This good-looking young couple will announce their engagement. Their relationship was conceived in the office of their publicist/s, so don't hold your breath for a wedding. They are already scheduled to break up before the end of next year. While they are both attractive people, one of them is considerably more talented than the other. This long-time couple, both actors, will announce their separation/ impending divorce. They have actually been separated for months already, but want to sell off and split up their considerable assets before the formal announcement is made. (Blind Gossip) New Baby: Beyonce & Jay-Z. Period. No question mark needed. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Taylor Dayne - With lips as pillowy as Taylor Armstrong and a face only Fergie could love, this bitch's velvety voice spiced up your mom or your fat friend Debbie's date night back in the late 80s/early 90s. Taylor never really went away, but hasn't recaptured her heyday as the (more) female Michael Bolton. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Mary Tyler Moore (75) | |
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