The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 30th!
- NBC Pulls Fear Factor's Donkey Jizz Episode
- Open Post: Hosted By Cathy And Her Modest Chichi Globes
- QOTD: Fran Drescher Was Abducted By Aliens
- Xtina's Wearing Leggings As Pants Again And I'm Not Going To Complain
- That Touching Moment When Angie Inhales The Life Out Of Brad In Front Of Everybody
- This Is The Look: Rose Byrne At The SAG Awards
- Good Morning, Here's Jean Dujardin Kissing The Tip
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 27th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 30th! | Top |
via Awkward Family Photos (Thanks to the reader who sent this in. My stupid ass lost your email) | |
| NBC Pulls Fear Factor's Donkey Jizz Episode | Top |
Sad news for those of you sick fucks who were looking forward to watching Fear Factor's donkey show episode while enjoying a spread of spoiled horchata and Miller Lite (aka donkey piss). NBC has erased the episode from its schedule and will air a rerun instead. So America will not get to watch a bunch of dumb ass contestants do what Joe Rogan did to get that job. TMZ summoned a hundred donkey side-eyes when they said last week that Fear Factor's season finale episode had a stunt where the contestants had to guzzle down beer jugs full of donkey piss and donkey-flavored baby batter. As of last week, NBC executives were going back on forth over whether or not they should air the "ass to mouth" episode, but sometime during the weekend they decided to kill it completely. They scrubbed a preview for the episode from their website and already changed channel guides to list the re-run as the episode that will play tonight. TMZ asked NBC's chairman for a comment and he said this: "I reviewed the episode late last week and decided it was a segment we should not air." I don't know if this is good news or bad news for those ass jizz-guzzling contestants. On one hand, if the episode aired, they'd forever be known as the hos with donkey spunk breath and drunk donkeys looking for a quickie would kick at their back door at all hours of the night. But on the other hand, the world knowing that they will swallow some disgusting ass shit will do wonders for their personal lives and probably get them a cameo on Jersey Shore. We'll never know. And if you were looking forward to watching a bunch of tricks drink donkey sperm, you can watch the next best thing instead. You can watch a fake crying donkey throw up a bunch of bull shit. I'm talking about this (skip to the 2:15 mark): via Buzzfeed | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Cathy And Her Modest Chichi Globes | Top |
| What is Full Throttle Saloon on TruTv and why haven't I memorized every single episode already? Because I need more natural patriotic beauty like this in my life. With hair like a melted rocket pop and tits of destruction that look like a Fix-A-Flat ass, Cathy tells her admirers outside of Full Throttle Saloon that believe or not it took six titty jobs for her to look like Kim Kardashian is ripping out of her chest ass first. It's like Anna Nicole Smith was reincarnated using the tear drop of an American bald eagle. The true look of patriotism is a pair of massive silicone globs barely covered with two bikini bottoms tied together. We should all pledge allegiance to Cathy. via Buzzfeed | |
| QOTD: Fran Drescher Was Abducted By Aliens | Top |
Fran Drescher and her ex-husband Peter (the one who ended their marriage after declaring his undying love for peen) both have the same kind of scar on the same spot and that could only mean one thing: they were both kidnapped by aliens, microchipped and programmed to meet each other. Obviously. Fran tells HuffPo that when she was in junior high school, the aliens beamed her up into their spaceship and tagged her ass. It's like the recurring wet dream that Tommy Girl wishes would become real life. "You know, it's funny because Peter and I both saw [aliens] before we knew each other, doing the same thing, driving on the road with our dads. We were both in junior high. A few years later, we met, and we realized that we had the same experience. I think that somehow we were programmed to meet. We both have this scar. It's the exact same scar on the exact same spot." I bet that when the aliens shimmied the chip up under her skin, Fran let out one of her ear hair-burning laughs and the aliens immediately dropped her back on earth before vowing to never subject themselves to torture like that again. Fran single-handedly saved us from an alien invasion! But seriously, Fran and Peter weren't TAKEN. Those bitches just did way too many whip-its and freebased way too many spices in junior high school. That scar is probably from a bong burn. I'm sure Demi Moore is also telling her therapist that she was abducted by damn aliens. | |
| Xtina's Wearing Leggings As Pants Again And I'm Not Going To Complain | Top |
Here's Xtina, her son Max and her leased bag handler/piece Matthew Rutler leaving Cirque du Soleil's Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour in L.A. last night and for once I'm not going to say shit about her wearing camel toe-inducing leggings as pants. Because at least she's covering her legs! I spent a slice of my Saturday night analyzing the stream of WTF?! that trickled down her leg during Etta James' funeral and I can't handle an encore. So now I see TampaXtina's leggings as a Spandex condom protecting my eyes from the self tanner sweat or coochie blood that may drip down her leg. But since we're on that subject again, I don't think it was Aunt Flow's saliva or fake tanner runs. It was obviously delicious barbecue sauce from the McRib she keeps in her chonies for snack emergencies. | |
| That Touching Moment When Angie Inhales The Life Out Of Brad In Front Of Everybody | Top |
As Brad Pitt silently cried for help with his eyes, Angie Jo fed the whore pit vipers crawling under her skin (yeah, those aren't veins) by sucking the pieces of his good shit-soaked soul that are clinging to his insides for dear life. You know, I'm all for shamelessley Angie succubus-ing Brad in front of everyone, but while she was that close to him she should've used her fangs to chew most of his mop off. Not only would eating Brad's strands of grease give Angie some much needed nutrients, but then he wouldn't look like he's a Taco Party Pack and a Miley grope away from being Bradley Ray Cyrus. One would think that a dude would do whatever he can to keep Tish Cyrus from wanting to wet ride him until her cock eye busts into place. And it warms my soul knowing that Angie's stylist kept their lips shut when they stood back, looked at this and thought to themselves: "This bitch literally looks like a bag of bones." Seriously, somewhere there's a trash can missing its bag and a pair of chopsticks who are feeling all sorts of inadequate while looking at Angie's arms. I bet that dress smells like cold death, dried tar and black licorice. Here's more of St. Morticia, Brad, his true soulmate George Clooney and Stacy Keibler at the SAGs last night. | |
| This Is The Look: Rose Byrne At The SAG Awards | Top |
Rose Byrne will probably find herself leaning against the number one on everybody's Worst Dressed of the SAG Awards list, but that's only because some people just don't understand the power of an Ann Jillian bob paired with a disco onesie covered with clear aquarium rocks. Almost every woman at the SAGs last night looked like she fished her gown out of the same pile the desperate hos on The Bachelor get their dresses. Boring after boring after boring, but then Rose Byrne took me higher and made my nostrils twitch when she came out looking like Elvira Hancock from Scarface after getting twisted up in a roll of bubble wrap. I only wish that Rose would've turned up her "brown haired Elvira Hancock" look all the way by only agreeing to pose for pictures in a glass elevator. Seriously, nothing is better than watching Michelle Pfeiffer gracefully ride a glass elevator down ONE flight. Cokehead laziness never looked so glamorous. Here's more of Rose as well as some of her Bridesmaids co-stars including Melissa McCarthy, Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig. "It needs a velvet choker" is a line I overused in the 90s when my friends would ask me how their outfit looked, but that ugly ass choker on Kristen looks like a leather daddy's version of a neckbrace. | |
| Good Morning, Here's Jean Dujardin Kissing The Tip | Top |
One of the best part of any awards show (besides THE END) is watching the heads of celebrities nearly combust while trying not to roll their eyes over the stupid as shit questions the alien ant that is Giuliana Rancid asks them on the red carpet. "Do you know Brad and Angelina?" is a real question that jumped off of Giuliana's tongue into Meryl Streep's ear. If looks could go to Home Depot, Meryl's would've gone to the nearest one to buy some Borax to sprinkle all over Giuliana for wasting her time with that shit. The third best part of any awards show is when the winners go into the press room to pose with their trophies, because there's always some hot piece who kisses the tip and at last night's SAG Awards that hot piece was Jean Dujardin of The Artist. Since I pretty much look at everything through peen-shaped glasses (like these), these pictures of Jean kissing the tip are making me pull out my dick clip art and bring out the "penisize" tool in Photoshop. And I have a feeling that Jennifer Aniston is going to do the same thing with the "beaniebabyize" tool, because Jean Dujardin sort of does look like a slightly gassy Justin Theroux. Aaand here's a list of last night's winners: Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Supporting Role I cannot end this post without bringing up the grade school skit that Modern Family tried to pass off as an acceptance speech. Somebody wrote that thing and all of them actually spent their time rehearsing it. Nothing says "We Got This And We Know It" like rehearsing an acceptance speech skit that the writers wrote for you. Presumptuous bitches, all of them!. I swear, it's a damn shame that the Australian Open t-shirt snatcher didn't bum rush all of them before stealing their trophies. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 27th! | Top |
For those that don't believe that Angie sucks the life out of Brad Pitt, here is picture proof of her actually doing it. - Rocket Runners-up: To her relief, this is what her husband meant when he asked her to "share a fag" with him. - evil.little.f__k. "Kevorkian said this would work, right? I have to ask..why am I the only one inhaling?" - Jintess via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| The grown bull dog of a bitch who snatched one of Novak Djokovic's extra t-shirts from the hand of a young girl. All the greedy-handed cunts out there say it with me: YAAASSS! On Sunday afternoon, Novak Djokovic won the Australian Open over Rafael Nadal after a record long Grand Slam singles final (not to be confused with the Grand Slam breakfast-eating record KFed broke at a Denny's in The Valley before leaving for Australia) and Novak celebrated his win with the fans by throwing one of his t-shirts into the stands. Of course, Novak threw his t-shirt at a young blonde girl, because they get everything in life. And of course, everybody who watches this will be like, "Aw. That poor innocent young blonde girl getting her heart stomped on by a big ole' fat ogre witch. We should start a Djokovic t-shirt fund for that poor innocent young blonde girl. Aw. Aw. Aw." Maybe it's because the rotten organ in my chest only bleeds vulture shit, but that blonde girl had it coming. Didn't she learn anything from our animal friends? Like when I give my dog a treat, he does the same thing even when we're the only ones in the apartment. He'll grab it out of my hand before I even know it's missing and run away from me while shifting his eyes to each side to make sure possible food-snatchers aren't following him. Then he'll take it under the sofa and growl at any bitch who comes close. He doesn't play around and he has no allies when it comes to treats. That's what the blonde girl should've done. She would've grabbed that shirt with both hands, ran out of there and buried it somewhere safe before marking the spot with her own piss. You have no allies when it comes to grabbing tennis player t-shirts. Because there's always some greedy mega cunt (after my own heart) just waiting to figuratively punch you in the heart by taking what you thought belonged to you. The best part is when the evil t-shirt stealer holds it up as a trophy and thinks about how much she's going to get on eBay for it. I love it when a fairytale has a happy ending. But really, we all won when Djokovic Hulked right out of his polo shirt. | |
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