The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- This Is The Look: Rose Byrne At The SAG Awards
- Good Morning, Here's Jean Dujardin Kissing The Tip
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 27th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Who's Sucking The Life Out Of Who?
- An Homage To The Glamorous Photo Bombers Of The DGA Awards
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- So Xtina Sang "At Last" At Etta James' Funeral Today...
| This Is The Look: Rose Byrne At The SAG Awards | Top |
Rose Byrne will probably find herself leaning against the number one on everybody's Worst Dressed of the SAG Awards list, but that's only because some people just don't understand the power of an Ann Jillian bob paired with a disco onesie covered with clear aquarium rocks. Almost every woman at the SAGs last night looked like she fished her gown out of the same pile the desperate hos on The Bachelor get their dresses. Boring after boring after boring, but then Rose Byrne took me higher and made my nostrils twitch when she came out looking like Elvira Hancock from Scarface after getting twisted up in a roll of bubble wrap. I only wish that Rose would've turned up her "brown haired Elvira Hancock" look all the way by only agreeing to pose for pictures in a glass elevator. Seriously, nothing is better than watching Michelle Pfeiffer gracefully ride a glass elevator down ONE flight. Cokehead laziness never looked so glamorous. Here's more of Rose as well as some of her Bridesmaids co-stars including Melissa McCarthy, Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig. "It needs a velvet choker" is a line I overused in the 90s when my friends would ask me how their outfit looked, but that ugly ass choker on Kristen looks like a leather daddy's version of a neckbrace. | |
| Good Morning, Here's Jean Dujardin Kissing The Tip | Top |
One of the best part of any awards show (besides THE END) is watching the heads of celebrities nearly combust while trying not to roll their eyes over the stupid as shit questions the alien ant that is Giuliana Rancid asks them on the red carpet. "Do you know Brad and Angelina?" is a real question that jumped off of Giuliana's tongue into Meryl Streep's ear. If looks could go to Home Depot, Meryl's would've gone to the nearest one to buy some Borax to sprinkle all over Giuliana for wasting her time with that shit. The third best part of any awards show is when the winners go into the press room to pose with their trophies, because there's always some hot piece who kisses the tip and at last night's SAG Awards that hot piece was Jean Dujardin of The Artist. Since I pretty much look at everything through peen-shaped glasses (like these), these pictures of Jean kissing the tip are making me pull out my dick clip art and bring out the "penisize" tool in Photoshop. And I have a feeling that Jennifer Aniston is going to do the same thing with the "beaniebabyize" tool, because Jean Dujardin sort of does look like a slightly gassy Justin Theroux. Aaand here's a list of last night's winners: Outstanding Performance By A Male Actor In A Supporting Role I cannot end this post without bringing up the grade school skit that Modern Family tried to pass off as an acceptance speech. Somebody wrote that thing and all of them actually spent their time rehearsing it. Nothing says "We Got This And We Know It" like rehearsing an acceptance speech skit that the writers wrote for you. Presumptuous bitches, all of them!. I swear, it's a damn shame that the Australian Open t-shirt snatcher didn't bum rush all of them before stealing their trophies. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 27th! | Top |
For those that don't believe that Angie sucks the life out of Brad Pitt, here is picture proof of her actually doing it. - Rocket Runners-up: To her relief, this is what her husband meant when he asked her to "share a fag" with him. - evil.little.f__k. "Kevorkian said this would work, right? I have to ask..why am I the only one inhaling?" - Jintess via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| The grown bull dog of a bitch who snatched one of Novak Djokovic's extra t-shirts from the hand of a young girl. All the greedy-handed cunts out there say it with me: YAAASSS! On Sunday afternoon, Novak Djokovic won the Australian Open over Rafael Nadal after a record long Grand Slam singles final (not to be confused with the Grand Slam breakfast-eating record KFed broke at a Denny's in The Valley before leaving for Australia) and Novak celebrated his win with the fans by throwing one of his t-shirts into the stands. Of course, Novak threw his t-shirt at a young blonde girl, because they get everything in life. And of course, everybody who watches this will be like, "Aw. That poor innocent young blonde girl getting her heart stomped on by a big ole' fat ogre witch. We should start a Djokovic t-shirt fund for that poor innocent young blonde girl. Aw. Aw. Aw." Maybe it's because the rotten organ in my chest only bleeds vulture shit, but that blonde girl had it coming. Didn't she learn anything from our animal friends? Like when I give my dog a treat, he does the same thing even when we're the only ones in the apartment. He'll grab it out of my hand before I even know it's missing and run away from me while shifting his eyes to each side to make sure possible food-snatchers aren't following him. Then he'll take it under the sofa and growl at any bitch who comes close. He doesn't play around and he has no allies when it comes to treats. That's what the blonde girl should've done. She would've grabbed that shirt with both hands, ran out of there and buried it somewhere safe before marking the spot with her own piss. You have no allies when it comes to grabbing tennis player t-shirts. Because there's always some greedy mega cunt (after my own heart) just waiting to figuratively punch you in the heart by taking what you thought belonged to you. The best part is when the evil t-shirt stealer holds it up as a trophy and thinks about how much she's going to get on eBay for it. I love it when a fairytale has a happy ending. But really, we all won when Djokovic Hulked right out of his polo shirt. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Christian Bale (38) | |
| Who's Sucking The Life Out Of Who? | Top |
No, this isn't a picture of a zombie Ellen DeGeneres siphoning whatever youth is left from her latest victim. This is Nick Carter and his girlfriend Lauren Kitt awkwardly trying to make out with each other's cheeks at his 32nd birthday party at Vanity in Las Vegas last night. You're thinking what I'm thinking so let's just scream it together: THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT FACE??? (That question applies to both of them) While Aaron Carter doesn't completely look like he just fell out of a Faces of Meth Magazine, Nick looks like he's been on the cover of Faces of Meth Magazine: AARP Edition. Should I call a priest who specializes in exorcisms? Should I call a damn doctor who specializes in leprosy of the face? Should I call somebody with hair clippers since I'm sure that 1970s Bieber pimp mop on Nick's head is sucking all the hot out of his face. Those extra wide pube chops he calls sideburns are making Nick look like a 65-year-old David Spade who time traveled back to the 1970s to work as a low level porn producer in Hungary. I just wanna stick an IV drip in his hair and then gently blow his eyelids down so he can get some sleep. Damn. Somebody get the number to 911 and call it, because this shit is serious. | |
| An Homage To The Glamorous Photo Bombers Of The DGA Awards | Top |
At the Directors Guild of America Awards in L.A. last night, the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Amber Heard, Helen Mirren, Berenice Bejo, Christine Lahti, Clare from 90210, Laura Dern, Missi Pyle, Shailene Woodley, Fred Savage, Hunter "What Happened To Your Face?" Tylo, Jean Dujardin and Gary Oldman all exploded into fine dust when they were photo bombed by an array of glamorously gorgeous scene stealers. For some reason, the organizers of that shit made the right decision by placing the red carpet in front of the cocktail area and the background became the main attraction. Those photo bombers lit that shit up without even trying. How can Jennifer Aniston and Helen Mirren possibly compete with a "Nice try, but you ain't wearing a skunk tail boa!" side-eye and a Cheri O'Teri-like "Ewwww bitch, go home!" fart face. Aniston is the oatmeal to the photo bombers' cinnamon raisin. We're all pushing around the oatmeal to get to the real stars. With all that being said, where the hell was Phoebe Price during all of this? The red carpet at an award show cannot be rolled out until the ginger wonder rolls in for seat filler orientation. Chicken Cutlets would've been the dollop of whipped cream by photo bombing the photo bombers. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Jimmy Ray - Thanks to the Spice Girls' creator Simon Fuller, the late 90s was graced by the brilliance of a fourth shelf Elvis impersonator from England named Jimmy Ray. Simon Fuller molded Jimmy Ray into a skinny ass Elvis for our generation and with the charisma of Keanu Reeves and the moves of a sedated Buddy Holly, Jimmy Ray had a semi-hit (his only semi-hit) with "Are You Jimmy Ray?" That song was stuffed with more question marks than the inside of my head when I wonder about what ever happened to Jimmy Ray. Some of my greatest fap memories from 1998 starred Jimmy Ray. Jimmy looked like a borderline anorexic lesbian man nymph who had the lyrics to a Morrissey song tattooed on his inner thigh, always wore a mechanic shirt, smelled like pomade and menthols and rolled his eyes every time a ho compared him to Luke Perry. Just my type! I don't know what ever happened to Jimmy. Wiki says he was in some band in 2009, but he dropped off the face of the Internet after that. What ever happened to his ass, I hope that he made the most out of his signature pout. The bitch could pout! And with a pout like that, I hope he either became a MAC counter boy or a child beauty queen. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Adam Lambert (30) | |
| So Xtina Sang "At Last" At Etta James' Funeral Today... | Top |
| Let that screen shot be the warning label you need to stuff pieces of egg crate into your ear holes and hit the mute button on your laptop (Note: You can still hear Xtina's "soprano walrus giving birth while getting ass fucked without lube in a moving wind tunnel" yodel even with the mute button on). Etta James was laid to rest in L.A. today and Xtina was invited by her family to sing "At Last" in front of mourners who should really get their knuckles chewed off for bringing their cell phones out at a damn funeral. I'm surprised their screens didn't shatter into a million pieces when Xtina's throat pushed out a sonic boom. My dog is still clinging to the ceiling and my ear drums are still lying at the opposite side of the room from listening to that last note. I swear it's like her voice is hanging on a bungee cord. Bitch's voice runs in circles, jumps up, hits the floor and does all sorts of cartwheels. It's like an acrobatic dog on the strongest kind of speed. Bitch SANG and it's a shame she didn't sing the orange off of her skin, because she's a few shades away from looking like a deep fried Cheeto and we all know what happens to deep fried Cheetos: they end up in the gulch of a Spears. And Etta can finally rest in peace now that Xtina and her chichis are finished hollerin' and shit. But I do love open air titties in church. UPDATE: Thanks to all of you who pointed out the shit trickling down Xtina's leg and in my professional opinion it's either: a) Bitch is yelling her fake tanner off and the sweat caused it to run | |
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