The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Natalie Portman Is Married, So Says Her Jeweler
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For February 28th!
- Open Post: Hosted By A First Degree Hotness Murderer
- Jessica Simpson Just Entered Her Seventh Trimester
- Kim Kuntrashian Blows Shade At Demi Moore
- Why So Psychic, GOOPY?
- Don't Do It, ASkars!
- Dancing With The...Who Are These Hos?!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For February 27th!
| Natalie Portman Is Married, So Says Her Jeweler | Top |
Natalie Portman and the pirouetting father of her Ivy League graduate baby (yeah, he already graduated) Benjamin Millepied silently announced that their asses are married when they wore their wedding bands to the Oscars on Sunday. Maybe their silent announcement was an homage to The Artist? Or something. Natalie would rather eat raw meat out of a leather wallet (no euphemism, she's veganese) than talk about her personal life, so there's probably not a chance in hell she's going to confirm this. But who needs Natalie to confirm this when her jewelry designer will do it for her. Jooree designer Jamie Wolf tells People Magazine that those rings are of the marriage kind and she made them for Natalie and her huzzzzzbeeeeeend. Jamie Wolf confirmed today that she designed Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied's "wedding rings," she shares in a release. This marriage is going to last about as long as it takes me to do a full plié without farting (that could take a while, actually), so it was kind of smart of Natalie to not officially announce that she's somebody's wife. Because if she didn't announce the marriage, she doesn't have to announce the divorce in a year. Well, silently played, Natalie. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Julia Roberts is in Vanity Fair and the only thing I'm thinking that she took a picture of her calico cat to her colorist and told him to give her that - Lainey Gossip How come when Freida Pinto pulls her tank top down like that, millions of men cream their eyeballs, but when I do it my dog finds a way to bark out the word "STOP!" in English - Hollywood Tuna Lindsay Lohan told the SNL writers that she's down for anything and nothing is off the table, so I'm hoping that means we'll get a skit where White Oprah is shot into the universe out of a canon - The Superficial Like a 90s Amy Winehouse is the vibe Katy Perry's giving me on Interview Magazine - Celebitchy Excuse me as I shed a tear for the loss of all that delicious German beer, and yes, that waiter is in danger, girl - Towleroad Just a peek of Salma Hayek's world-saving chichis - Popoholic RiRi shows us through her outfit that she sucks at choice-making - ICYDK Here I was thinking that Dolly Parton smelled like butterfly wings, hummingbird juice, wig glue and sunshine - OMG Blog Oh look, it's Ke$ha's face twin - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather They should've cast Trace Cyrus as the Young SJP and called it The Carrot Diaries - The Berry Chupa Zoe's nanny is more of a fashion icon than she is - Popsugar I co-sign the "Is this bitch serious with that beard?" face Tom Hardy's dog is throwing - Just Jared That paradise wallpaper in Solange's basement looks so lifelike - Crunk + Disorderly I am only okay with this if ASkars is cast as the German girl - Videogum Last night a window saved my life - The Daily What Sean Young might not have been drunk on booze but she was definitely drunk on the crazy - I'm Not Obsessed This needs more Statham spit - Hollywood Rag Smack my bitch up, indeed - Cityrag | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For February 28th! | Top |
via Arbroath | |
| Open Post: Hosted By A First Degree Hotness Murderer | Top |
What in the hell kind of GD shit is Johnny Depp on, because looking like this is only okay if you're a hungover colorblind 8-year-old circa 1977 or if you've passed out in the bushes after fucking a hooker and she stole all your clothes so you had to get new ones from a nearby Salvation Army bin. No grown ass man should be wearing jeans by OshKosh B'Gosh. Johnny isn't fighting the hotness, he's killing it not-so-softly. Johnny is starting to make Keef Richards look fap-able. Johnny looks like he smells like what peen cheese tastes like. Somebody needs to give this bitch a donation. But there is hope. Johnny is wearing a medium blue hanky on his right side and that means he's into everything but 69ing. I hope "everything" includes giving him a full body soapy handjob in the shower and following it up with a Palmolive facial. It cuts the grease. | |
| Jessica Simpson Just Entered Her Seventh Trimester | Top |
Road work ahead, they have no idea.... So if you're thinking about getting knocked up, just put some aspirin between your legs and forget about it, because Chestica Simpson is KNOCKED UP for all of us. My eyeballs feel swole just from looking at Jessica and she still has a few more weeks to go before her body explodes. She's either going to give birth to a fully formed 18-year-old or Michelle Duggar's going to kiss her record goodbye when Jess pops out an entire kindergarten class. Not even a private school class. Jess is going to birth out an entire public school class, so they'll have to share a desk and shit. I don't know whether to say a prayer in front of my Saint Guadalupe candle for the bra straps holding up Jessica's 400-gallon leche sacks or for her ankle bones who are probably going through some serious shit right now. I'll pray for neither and drink an entire pitcher of cherry Kool-Aid instead, because I've suddenly got a craving for some. | |
| Kim Kuntrashian Blows Shade At Demi Moore | Top |
Once upon a two years ago, a brain-dead slut baby trapped inside of the body of an Armenian whore bag got pimp slapped by the hand of a 20-year-old party girl trapped in the body of a Demi Moore. It all started when Kim Kardashian's useless ass Tweeted that she was out "big pimpin" with her girlfriends. Now, Pimp Mama Kris should've been the one who pimp slapped that trick for not knowing her place as a common ho. But it was Demi Moore who dragged Kim to the classroom and tried to school her on the meaning of "pimp." Demi tried to get it through Kim's vapid head that her use of the word "pimp" was glamorizing sex slavery. It was seriously a meeting of the stupids and I completely forget about it. Well, Kim didn't forget about it and Janet Charleton (via Jezebel) says that she dedicated a special song to whippit-loving Demi at Elton John's Oscar party: At Elton John's party Kim was heard making fun of the fact that Demi was caught doing drugs with much younger friends -"she called ME immature!" Kim laughingly requested a song "dedicated to Demi" – the song was Devo's "Whip It!" And during karaoke night in rehab tonight (please tell me they have karaoke night in rehab), Demi will dedicate the following songs to Urinal Kim: "Splish Splash," "Yellow" by Coldplay, "What the Water Gave Me," "Raindrops Falling On My Head" and David Chappelle's "Piss on You." | |
| Why So Psychic, GOOPY? | Top |
Fishsticks Paltrow is an Oscar-winning actress, a Grammy-nominated book talker, a wood-burning pizza oven advocate, a noted eye roll-inducer, a shit tube expert, the pride of Britain and a woman who redefines "pretentious ass bitch" with every GOOP newsletter she queefs out. Well, you can add a new title to Fishy's never-ending list of gifts: master future-teller! The GOOPY one has been cleansed by the infinite light of greatness beaming off of Blue Ivy Carter's halo and tells Hollywood Life (via UsWeekly) that B.I.C. will be the Liza Minnelli to Beyonce's Judy Garland. "She is going to be an entertainer. She just has this glow around her like her mother. She's stunning. She has the most beautiful eyes. A glow around her? You DUMB DUMB GOOP! That's not a natural glow. Beyonce gets her "glow" from seven layers of liquified gold spread across her face and from the team of assistants shining soft light at her from mobile diffused spotlights. That's the glow of money, honey. And about that "she's going to be an entertainer" thing. I would say "No shit, bitch" to Fishticks, but she'd probably respond with, "No shit? You should try my $425 colon cleanse then!" I don't have to hump a crystal ball with my eyes to see that Blue Ivy Carter is going to be an entertainer. B.I.C.'s name is trademarked, she has already had a hit single and she just has to let out a burp to get a multi-million dollar record deal from any label of her choosing. I'd glow too if I knew my shit was set for life. But Fishy obviously doesn't understand this, because unlike B.I.C., she had to pound the pavement and work hard for everything she has. It's not like she's only famous because her mom is Blythe Danner, her godfather is Steven Spielberg and her ex-piece is Brad Pitt. No, not at all. And is that Paula Abdul to the right? (Just pretend and say yes.) Fishy looks like a giant white Vicodin pill in that cape dress thing, so why didn't Paula swallow her whole? Oh Paula, you disappoint. | |
| Don't Do It, ASkars! | Top |
Page Six says that at Vanity Fair's after-Oscar party on Sunday night, Swedish lightning rod ASkars dropped in on the hand of Zeus and after waving away trick after trick throwing their soppy wet coochies at him, he zeroed his glare on the youngest Olsen, Elizabeth Olsen. ASkars' ex-piece Kate Bosworth was also at the party, but I don't think she saw anything since one of the janitors mistook her for a brittle broom and used her to sweep up all the chocha dust that exploded everywhere when ASkars glided in. A witness tells P6 that ASKars and Elizabeth Olsen were locked in each other's words in a dark corner for a long time. The witness didn't say if "talking in a corner" led to "Elizabeth climbing Mt. ASkars to explore his mouth cavern of orgasms with her tongue," which would eventually lead to Elizabeth frolicking all over ASkars' naked body. So let's hope it doesn't go past the corner. I have nothing against Elizabeth Olsen. She's like the Marilyn Munster of the Olsens. She's harmless, but my allegiance forever belongs to the health and well-being of ASkars' Swedish nipple knobs. If shit gets serious between ASkars and Elizabeth, he'll eventually have to sit at the dinner table with the Olsen Trolls. ASkars' charm could make a dead vulture's peen swoon, but his powers have no effect on those evil Olsen Trolls. They would scurry up his body, slide down his mouth and eat him from the inside/out. The next time we'd see ASkars' nipples is when the Olsens wear them as earrings. This Elizabeth Olsen and ASkars thing can't happen. ASkars' nipples are at stake. Fartfull! (Fartfull isn't only the name of an Ikea bench, it's also my favorite Swedish curse word.) | |
| Dancing With The...Who Are These Hos?! | Top |
Today on Good Morning Amurica, ABC announced the newest cast of questions marks and has-beens who will shake their nipples off either a much-needed check, a defibrillator pad to their flatlining career or both! That headline is sort of sprinkled with lies, because I recognize 9 out of 12 of these "stars," but I stuff my head with all kinds of useless shit instead of shit I should probably know. Like I can tell you the first and last name of all the cast members from Rags to Riches without IMDBing for a clue, but if you asked me what my dad's birthday is, I'd make the same face White Oprah makes when someone asks her the names of her sons (aka the leeches who don't contribute to her gin fund). I know a lot of the hos on the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy, but if you haven't turned your brain into a dilapidated pop culture junkyard like I have, you probably don't know a lot of them. So let's play a game. If you know the ho, then you know the ho. But if their name makes you squint while brain burping out a question mark, then they're officially a stranger bitch. Let's play! Star: William Levy, Cuban hot piece who should be ordered by the United Nations to never wear clothes for peacekeeping purposes. Star: Sherri "The German" Shepherd, flat world advocate and one of the screeching hyenas on The View. Star: URKEL (government name: Jaleel White) Star: Martina Navratilova, tennis icon and legendary lez. Star: Jack Wagner, the breaker of Heather Locklear's fragile heart! Star: Donald Driver, football dude. Star: Maria Menounos, some EXTRA (extra being the key word) ho. Star: Roshon Fegan, one of Mickey Mouse's hos and star on some show called Shake It Up. Star: Gavin DeGraw, a member of the John Mayer tribe and a Guinness World Record holder for being the only dude on the planet who still wears newsboy caps past the age of 30 and under the age of 65. Star: Glady Knight, no description of her skills needed. Star: Katherine Jenkins, opera singer. Star: Melissa Gilbert, star of Hollywood Wives: The New Generation! So even though this is probably one of the worst casts ever, there's only 3 stranger bitches among them for me. Not bad. Hopefully, ABC makes up for this shit cast by putting William Levy in a Spandex dong hammock (and keeping Sherri Shepherd out of anything Spandex) every week. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For February 27th! | Top |
An ancient form of self defense made obsolete with the invention of the match in AD 577. - I am Legend That's nothing. Jenna Jameson can fart out a whole football team. - Sweetas | |
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