The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- It's Like John Travolta And Tiger Woods All Over Again
- Gene Hackman Is Not The One When It Comes To His Wife
- Heidi Klum Cancels Her Halloween Party
- You Show Russell Brand What He's Missing, Katy!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 30th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Taylor Moves Swiftly
- Night Crumbs
- OctoMom's Son Watched Her Self-Love Porn
| It's Like John Travolta And Tiger Woods All Over Again | Top |
Most of us haven't been able to fully enjoy a double glazed donut after reading story after story about how John Travolta's slobbery dough hole tried to gobble up any and ever man finger that came near it. And now here's something that might keep you off of Chick-O-Sticks for a while. Papa Joe Simpson hasn't officially "come out" (and he doesn't need to when he's walking around in outfits like this), but The National Enquirer is still pouring all of his (alleged) secrets out on the internet. Bryce Chandler Hill apparently wasn't the only pretty-faced twink that Papa Joe was rolling around naked with. A high-priced escort named Joey Anderson (Side note: Click here for his Daddy Reviews page and yes, I just spent 20 minutes of my time looking for a review that read, "And he even complimented me on the highlights in my pubes!") ran off to the Enquirer to tell them about the night in May when Papa Joe paid him $600 for a little quality time at the Mandarin Oriental in NYC. Because a getting a cashiers check from The National Enquirer is more important than not breaking the ho code, Joey Anderson told all:
In other Sugar Daddy Joe news, Radar says that Tina Simpson found out that her husband was gargling on twink peen when she found modeling pictures of Bryce in her house and later pried a confession out of Joe in the lobby of his NYC hotel. Tina also knew that something in the milk was twink cream when she noticed that hundreds of thousands of dollars went missing from her checking account. The source says Papa Joe pulled that money out to make it rain fancy gifts on Bryce. Papa Joe really does have a type. If your body is empty of hair, you smell like strawberry lip gloss and you've got a premium flippin' mane, then Papa Joe wants you. Some of you have already been through enough this week, so instead of picturing Joey's luscious unicorn mane falling all over Pastor Joe's gut as they get into some beej time fun, just picture them reading scriptures to each other in that hotel room. Actually, don't, because the latter image is more terrifying. | |
| Gene Hackman Is Not The One When It Comes To His Wife | Top |
Gene Hackman is 82-years-old and he's proving that you're never too old to whoop a homeless trick down for calling your wife a cunt. TMZ says that a bitchified hobo named Bruce Becker came at Pepaw Gene and his wife Betsy Arakawa as the two left a restaurant in Santa Fe, New Mexico on Tuesday. TMZ doesn't say exactly how the hobo came at Gene, but the hobo learned that when you come at a pepaw for whatever reason, you will end up with a face full of his slappin' hand. After Bruce started shit with Gene, they both yelled at each other and the hobo took it to a new level by throwing the cunt word at Betsy. As soon as that word leaped off of Bruce's tongue, the band stopped playing, the sun hid behind the clouds, tumbleweeds got out of the way, children ran inside, birds shut their mouths and the dust hitched a ride out of there on a sliver of wind. Nobody wanted to be around when shit got serious. Gene slapped Bruce right in the face. Bruce called the cops, but nobody got put into cuffs, because the police officer said Gene slapped Bruce out of self-defense. I don't even know Betsy Arakawa, but I'd still get all Peter Cetera on a bitch for screwing with her wrong. A woman whose floss thin brows match the arch of her hairline deserves to be defended at all costs. | |
| Heidi Klum Cancels Her Halloween Party | Top |
Heidi Klum should've canceled her annual Halloween party the day she traded in Seal's peen for the help's peen, but she still made plans to go on with it and had her team of full-time costume elves make her an elaborate as all hell Cleopatra costume. But Heidi will probably never wear that Cleopatra costume at one of her Halloween parties, because she has pressed the pause button that on shit. Since it's kind of hard to have a party in NYC without electricity, a dance floor that's not underwater and people who could give a shit, Heidi announced that her Halloween party is canceled and she might do a haunted Christmas thing in December instead. Well, at least this gives Heidi more time to fornicate with the help (Seal's words not mine). Heidi tweeted the news and also gave it to ET:
Can't we just cancel Halloween altogether? I know I'm almost an official ho of Los Angeles again... I say "almost," because I've only completed two out of three initiation rituals. I've bought naranjas by the freeway and I've gotten into my first road rage situation by flipping off and screaming at a dumb bitch in a white Fiat for taking my parking space at Trader Joe's. But I've yet to complain about how cold it is when it's 75 degrees outside, so I'm not official. But anyway, even though I'm almost an official ho of Los Angeles, I still can't get into Halloween when I know that the NYC subways aren't open. One of my favorite things to do during Slutoween times is to ride the subway at the end of the night and watch drunk messes in smeared make-up eat a taco while trying to keep their slutty costume from exposing their nips to everyone. That's Halloween to me. So see you next year, Halloween! | |
| You Show Russell Brand What He's Missing, Katy! | Top |
When the piece who you were married to for five whole seconds shows up at the same Lakers game as you, let him know all the wonderful goodness his CDC enemy #1 dick is missing out on by miming a hot, sloppy hand job (or maybe she's a miming a hot, sloppy beej, which explains why her mouth isn't opened that wide). Katy Perry should've really made this totally realistic by wearing the same safety goggles she wore every time she got down to get Russell off. A trick has to protect her eyes from falling crabs. Katy and her really hot dad, who is always serving up some Uncle Fester as a biker bartender realness, went to the Lakers vs. Mavericks game at the Staples Center in L.A. and sat near her ex-husband Russell Brand who was there with two boys. Katy proved to Russell that she's happy by acting really, really, really happy. Bitch put on a real "SEE! I'm happier without you because I'm laughing REALLY hard" show. If John Mayer was there with her, all the black people would have to get up and leave, because she would've really shown Russell that she's moved on by canoodling with John's David Duke Dick out in the open. I wish John Mayer was there. A piece of human tampon lint (who's always dressed like the douche bag character in an Archie comic) getting into a slap fight with a human Fem-V pantyliner (who's always dressed like a Thunderdome go-go dancer) would've made for the perfect Halloween time show. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 30th! | Top |
JLo made Casper Smart walk home after he had been a vewwy, vewwy bad bear. - Reesey C Runners-up: Not to be outdone by super storm Sandy, Super Sucio Sally goes on the ho stroll. - MILF The Octo-spawn who watched his mom diddle her biscuit finally managed to wash away the psychological scars by riding out Hurricane Sandy. - skabazzle via Izismile | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Patrick's sister (as played by Lisa Fuller) from the 1987 movie The Monster Squad! When your little brother and his little squad of monster fighters need a virgin to save the world by reciting some German shit to open a portal that will suck in all the monsters, don't lie to him and tell him that you're still a card carrying member of the V club and that you didn't let that dirt bag trash Steve pluck your cherry. That ain't the time to tell lies about how you left your purity all over Steve's peen. That's why Patrick's sister is the best. The monsters are minutes away from murdering the entire world and after Patrick's sister recites that German crap, nothing happens and the dumb slut finally admits that she boned Steve. Bitch is trying to pull some "if you don't admit it, it didn't happen" shit. You can't wish your cherry back, I've tried. There's not many scenes on YouTube starring Patrick's hot slut sister, so we'll have to settle for this for now: That innocent baby pink bow isn't fooling anyone, ho. Happy Slutoween! (For Lahoma) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Vanilla Ice (45) | |
| Taylor Moves Swiftly | Top |
I hate myself for a lot of headlines, but I really hate myself for that headline. Three seconds ago, Taylor Swift was going from Barnes & Noble to Barnes & Noble, stuffing her head shot and bio into every copy of The Kennedy Women, because what she wanted more than anything in the world, besides a white pony with heart-shaped pupils, was to become a Kennedy. But now, the bitch is over it. Conor Kennedy dumped her Taylor, because she kept showing up to his homeroom wearing a replica of Jackie Kennedy's wedding dress. Taylor Kennedy spent a whole day crying into the fire as she burned the towels and sheets she had monogrammed with the initials TK, but she's done crying over a Kennedy and has already moved on to a new piece. The Daily Mirror (I know, I know) says that fast-moving tramp trollop is now wrapping her heart around British singer/songwriter type Ed Sheeran. Taylor and Ed worked on a song together for her album Period, which proved that talking shit about your exes in sing song form is a money maker, and he's going on tour with her next year. Some source said that Taylor and Ed are getting really close and they're getting so close that he tattooed the word RED on his arm. Normally, I'd think that getting anything Taylor Swift-related tattooed on your body is like begging your family to 5150 your crazy ass, but Ed's tattoo isn't that big of a deal. Ed can change it to REDRUM when she eventually breaks up with him, because she needs new inspiration and has to move on to the next trick. Taylor Swift was hard up on getting in with the Kennedys and now it looks like she's hard up on getting in with the ginger Hobbits. Tramp is trying to get into the Shire. If Taylor really wants in, she better move slow, because ginger Hobbits hate it when you make sudden, quick moves. It makes them scatter down into their hobbit-holes. Taylor better not screw this one up by trying to marry him in his sleep, because this one is a keeper. I'm only saying that, because if you smear actual raw ginger over your eyeballs and squint, he kind of sort of looks like the angel goddess of gingers Rojo Caliente. See if you can tell the difference between the two. If you can't tell the difference, then please run to your nearest church, throw yourself on the altar and beg God to forgive you for not recognizing his greatest creation. | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
Disney bought Lucasfilm for $6 billion, which means another Star Wars movie is coming in 2015, which means Jar Jar Binks might be back. Nerd nightmares do come true! - Coming Soon Don't tell me this isn't a picture of Jennifer Lawrence posing with the Kardashians in their natural state - Lainey Gossip Another gem for Pimp Mama Kris' wall of family pride - The Superficial I should thank Madge too, because asking my mom to buy me a Breathless Mahoney doll was my way of coming out - Towleroad IN THIS ECONOMY, Adrianne Curry is recycling Slut-o-ween costumes - Hollywood Tuna "Miranda Kerr goes topless in GQ" is a sentence I feel like I've written a million times - Drunken Stepfather The Bitch Goes Down Ballet - The Berry Taking your baby to a party at the Playboy Mansion is a GOOD idea, because Hef's hos will know exactly what to do when your baby poops itself and needs to be burped - Celebitchy Ashley Greene looks like a functioning corpse in GQ - Popoholic Adam Levine defends Xtina's fupa - IDLYITW Meanwhile, Simon Cowell's face looks like a caramel marshmallow slowing exploding in the microwave - Just Jared Wet dreams shattered, Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron kind of hate each other - ICYDK CoCo's camel toe can levitate - Cityrag Jennifer Aniston does a Smart Water photo-op, tries to pass it off as a casual shopping trip - Popsugar Derek J is a honey-baked goddess but this explains Kim Zolciak's dreadful wig situation - Crunk + Disorderly No, he isn't - I'm Not Obsessed Madge calls Elton John a nice ass. I see what you did there, Madge - OMG Blog Donald Trump lets us all know that he's still a piece of dried shit - Videogum Hulk Hogan's family should be embarrassed about being Hogans - Hollywood Rag | |
| OctoMom's Son Watched Her Self-Love Porn | Top |
Gina B (not to be confused with Gina G) the nanny who used to work for OctoMom and said that she gets drunk on vodka and cranberry juice all the time, is spilling more secrets and this one I didn't need to know. I'm passing it on to you, because we will suffer and scrub the sucio images out of our brain with a rusty Chore Boy together! OctoMom said a couple of months ago that the older members of her child army sort of know that the food she put on their table came from her tickling her twat on camera. Well if Gina is telling the truth, then at least one of Octo's mom kids not only knows about the video, he's seen it with his own eyes. ("So that's why he always runs away screaming from the cafeteria when it's open-faced meat lasagna day" said OctoMom's son's teacher.) TMZ says that back in June, Gina ratted out Octo to Child Protective Services after finding out that the 11-year-old OctoKid was watching porn on his phone and it wasn't just any porn, it was his mom's porn. Octo somehow found out that her 11-year-old son was watching her scratch cat in her debut porn movie and asked Gina to block the site from his phone. Gina couldn't block the site from his phone, because Octo wouldn't give her the password to it. Octo apparently handled the situation herself by telling her son to stay away from porn. Walking in on your parents doing stuff that you never want to see them doing is scarring enough, so I can only image the emotional scars that are left on your soul when you watch a video of your mom doing that to herself. That 11-year-old kid just won a free pass to do whatever the hell he wants. Cop: So, I pulled you over, because there's five bloody limbs hanging out of your trunk, you were driving 150 mph in a stolen car, you mowed down a litter of kittens, your backseat is filled with weed you stole from a medical marijuana dispensary, you reek of a Lohan and worst of all, you're blasting a Carly Rae Jepsen song. OctoKid: My mom is OctoMom and I watched her porn when I was 11. Cop: Have a good night, sir. Drive safe. Do you need a police escort to the strip club? And obviously, Octo should take away his phone and use the money to pay for daily, intensive hypnotherapy sessions. | |
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