The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Taylor Moves Swiftly
- Night Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 30th!
- OctoMom's Son Watched Her Self-Love Porn
- Open Post: Co-Hosted By Paul Ryan & Stacey Dash
- Linda Hamilton, Come And Get Your Movie Son
- Would You Hit It?
- Robert Pattinson Is Selling Cologne Now
- OctoMom Is In Rehab
- Oh, CoCo....
| Taylor Moves Swiftly | Top |
I hate myself for a lot of headlines, but I really hate myself for that headline. Three seconds ago, Taylor Swift was going from Barnes & Noble to Barnes & Noble, stuffing her head shot and bio into every copy of The Kennedy Women, because what she wanted more than anything in the world, besides a white pony with heart-shaped pupils, was to become a Kennedy. But now, the bitch is over it. Conor Kennedy dumped her Taylor, because she kept showing up to his homeroom wearing a replica of Jackie Kennedy's wedding dress. Taylor Kennedy spent a whole day crying into the fire as she burned the towels and sheets she had monogrammed with the initials TK, but she's done crying over a Kennedy and has already moved on to a new piece. The Daily Mirror (I know, I know) says that fast-moving tramp trollop is now wrapping her heart around British singer/songwriter type Ed Sheeran. Taylor and Ed worked on a song together for her album Period, which proved that talking shit about your exes in sing song form is a money maker, and he's going on tour with her next year. Some source said that Taylor and Ed are getting really close and they're getting so close that he tattooed the word RED on his arm. Normally, I'd think that getting anything Taylor Swift-related tattooed on your body is like begging your family to 5150 your crazy ass, but Ed's tattoo isn't that big of a deal. Ed can change it to REDRUM when she eventually breaks up with him, because she needs new inspiration and has to move on to the next trick. Taylor Swift was hard up on getting in with the Kennedys and now it looks like she's hard up on getting in with the ginger Hobbits. Tramp is trying to get into the Shire. If Taylor really wants in, she better move slow, because ginger Hobbits hate it when you make sudden, quick moves. It makes them scatter down into their hobbit-holes. Taylor better not screw this one up by trying to marry him in his sleep, because this one is a keeper. I'm only saying that, because if you smear actual raw ginger over your eyeballs and squint, he kind of sort of looks like the angel goddess of gingers Rojo Caliente. See if you can tell the difference between the two. If you can't tell the difference, then please run to your nearest church, throw yourself on the altar and beg God to forgive you for not recognizing his greatest creation. | |
| Night Crumbs | Top |
Disney bought Lucasfilm for $6 billion, which means another Star Wars movie is coming in 2015, which means Jar Jar Binks might be back. Nerd nightmares do come true! - Coming Soon Don't tell me this isn't a picture of Jennifer Lawrence posing with the Kardashians in their natural state - Lainey Gossip Another gem for Pimp Mama Kris' wall of family pride - The Superficial I should thank Madge too, because asking my mom to buy me a Breathless Mahoney doll was my way of coming out - Towleroad IN THIS ECONOMY, Adrianne Curry is recycling Slut-o-ween costumes - Hollywood Tuna "Miranda Kerr goes topless in GQ" is a sentence I feel like I've written a million times - Drunken Stepfather The Bitch Goes Down Ballet - The Berry Taking your baby to a party at the Playboy Mansion is a GOOD idea, because Hef's hos will know exactly what to do when your baby poops itself and needs to be burped - Celebitchy Ashley Greene looks like a functioning corpse in GQ - Popoholic Adam Levine defends Xtina's fupa - IDLYITW Meanwhile, Simon Cowell's face looks like a caramel marshmallow slowing exploding in the microwave - Just Jared Wet dreams shattered, Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron kind of hate each other - ICYDK CoCo's camel toe can levitate - Cityrag Jennifer Aniston does a Smart Water photo-op, tries to pass it off as a casual shopping trip - Popsugar Derek J is a honey-baked goddess but this explains Kim Zolciak's dreadful wig situation - Crunk + Disorderly No, he isn't - I'm Not Obsessed Madge calls Elton John a nice ass. I see what you did there, Madge - OMG Blog Donald Trump lets us all know that he's still a piece of dried shit - Videogum Hulk Hogan's family should be embarrassed about being Hogans - Hollywood Rag | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 30th! | Top |
via Izismile | |
| OctoMom's Son Watched Her Self-Love Porn | Top |
Gina B (not to be confused with Gina G) the nanny who used to work for OctoMom and said that she gets drunk on vodka and cranberry juice all the time, is spilling more secrets and this one I didn't need to know. I'm passing it on to you, because we will suffer and scrub the sucio images out of our brain with a rusty Chore Boy together! OctoMom said a couple of months ago that the older members of her child army sort of know that the food she put on their table came from her tickling her twat on camera. Well if Gina is telling the truth, then at least one of Octo's mom kids not only knows about the video, he's seen it with his own eyes. ("So that's why he always runs away screaming from the cafeteria when it's open-faced meat lasagna day" said OctoMom's son's teacher.) TMZ says that back in June, Gina ratted out Octo to Child Protective Services after finding out that the 11-year-old OctoKid was watching porn on his phone and it wasn't just any porn, it was his mom's porn. Octo somehow found out that her 11-year-old son was watching her scratch cat in her debut porn movie and asked Gina to block the site from his phone. Gina couldn't block the site from his phone, because Octo wouldn't give her the password to it. Octo apparently handled the situation herself by telling her son to stay away from porn. Walking in on your parents doing stuff that you never want to see them doing is scarring enough, so I can only image the emotional scars that are left on your soul when you watch a video of your mom doing that to herself. That 11-year-old kid just won a free pass to do whatever the hell he wants. Cop: So, I pulled you over, because there's five bloody limbs hanging out of your trunk, you were driving 150 mph in a stolen car, you mowed down a litter of kittens, your backseat is filled with weed you stole from a medical marijuana dispensary, you reek of a Lohan and worst of all, you're blasting a Carly Rae Jepsen song. OctoKid: My mom is OctoMom and I watched her porn when I was 11. Cop: Have a good night, sir. Drive safe. Do you need a police escort to the strip club? And obviously, Octo should take away his phone and use the money to pay for daily, intensive hypnotherapy sessions. | |
| Open Post: Co-Hosted By Paul Ryan & Stacey Dash | Top |
Noted Romney Girl Stacey Dash kept getting that free press by tweeting this picture of her with long lost Saved by the Bell character Paul Ryan. Why do they look like the king and queen of the 1992 Young Republican Prom who have reunited 20 years later and are handling their sexual tension by putting on awkward smiles? Those smiles. Those are some "I just farted, I know you can smell it and I'm not going to apologize" smiles. Anyway, Stacey threw this picture up on Twitter and added the note: "Fighting the good fight. Godspeed." Okay, I'm all for Stacey fighting whatever fight she wants to fight, but can she please choose fightin' armor that she didn't buy at Deb Shops in 1996. via ONTD | |
| Linda Hamilton, Come And Get Your Movie Son | Top |
These Terminator bitches are a mess. If one of them (Arnold Schwarzenegger) isn't making every housekeeper in the Beverly Hills area cleanse her vagine with Windex (Windex really does work on everything) after letting him stick his gross Austrian schnitzel stick in there, then another one of them (Nick Stahl) is making his estranged wife put his face on a milk carton after going on another drug binge in Skid Row. And if one of them isn't going missing all the time, then another one of them (Edward Furlong) is getting into fights with his piece at LAX. Edward Furlong was arrested at LAX early this morning for allegedly getting violent with his girlfriend. The police showed up to Terminal 2 at LAX at around 1 this morning after security called them, because Edward and his girlfriend were getting messy. Edward allegedly grabbed his girlfriend's arm so hard that he left marks. Marks on an arm equals JAIL, bitch, so they dragged Pecker off to a cell and set his bail at $50,000. Edward's latest arrest will join his public intoxication charge from 2007 and his restraining order violation charge from 2011 on his police record. Causing a scene at the airport is the definition of a dumb bitch move. Don't get crazy in an airport, because they're just looking for a reason to tase you, tackle you to the ground and drag you off to that locked room near the TSA checkpoint. Edward Furlong is a dim dumb douchebag. If Edward and his girlfriend were on Couples Therapy, that Couples Therapy lady would tell them that they should obviously break up, because the girlfriend deserves a man who won't treat her like trash in the middle of an airport and Edward deserves a girlfriend who won't accidentally shit and piss out the white balloons he made her shove up into her body during their quick trip to Peru. Really, Edward should look up the name "Dina Lohan" on Match.com via The L.A. Times | |
| Would You Hit It? | Top |
As his ice block of a wife shot scenes as Grace Kelly with Milo Ventimiglia for Grace of Monaco, Keith Urban wrapped his huevos in Spandex to go swimming in the pool of his hotel. It's nice knowing that when the hot pavement burns the bottom of Keith's feet, he makes the same pained look he makes when he breaks his boner after making the mistake of gently slapping his peen against Nicole's concrete forehead. Personally, I prefer vintage Keith Urban when he looked like a Til Tuesday era Aimee Mann as hipster Colonel Sanders, but I'd still hit Keith Urban of today. The meatball with tentacles tattoo really did it for me. And it was really smart of Nicole Kidman to make the hotel put statues of her all around the pool area, so Keith never forgets her while she's working. The resemblance is uncanny and I'm sure Keith also made the mistake of gently slapping his peen against that statue's forehead. | |
| Robert Pattinson Is Selling Cologne Now | Top |
Brad Pitt is no longer the only millionaire hobo hawking bottles of stank on the stroll, because E! News says that Dior is putting $12 million in Robert Pattinson's Styrofoam donation cup for his services as the new face of their men's fragrances. RPattz, seen here at an event sponsored by Gucci (TRAITOR!), will put his face on Dior Homme ads for the next three years. $12 million is too much money, but I'm sure Dior will make it all back. They're just assuming that all the crazed, horny Twihards will storm Macy's and buy every bottle of that crap. Then they'll attach their vaginas to an IV drip full of Dior Homme cologne, so their coochies are always gargling with the essence of RPattz. E! didn't really have that many details, but some source tells them that RPattz "likes the brand." More like RPattz likes the MONAAAAAAAAAAY. We should all be grateful that we're living in a time when two people (read: KStew and RPattz) who probably smell like butt gravy and tonsil stones are getting millions of dollars to sell perfume. But seriously, everyone is always making jokes about how RPattz probably hasn't stood under a shower head in years, but I bet he has. I bet he showers daily and I bet afterward he covers his skin with pit cheese imported from France and makes his team of hired homeless men fart all over his body, so he always smells like he just woke up from a 10-hour nap in a Port-A-Potty. It takes a lot of time and money to look that dirty. | |
| OctoMom Is In Rehab | Top |
I know, that's White Oprah's trademarked parenting technique. LAWSUIT! Anybody who has seen an OctoMom interview isn't surprised that she's hooked on Xanax (and possibly delicious vodka), because the crazy bitch talks like her brain just exploded and all the thoughts are pouring out of her mouth hole at once. TMZ says that OctoMom traded in her addiction to IVF for an addiction to pills and now she's sitting in a Southern California rehab clinic to control her thirst for Xanax. OctoMom's rep tells TMZ that she checked into Chapman House Rehabilitation Center over the weekend and left her entire child army with 3 nannies, 2 friends and 1 driver. Those 6 tortured souls will take care of OctoMom's tribe of 14 chirruns while she's dealing with some shit for the next 30 days. OctoMom's rep said this:
OctoMom's rep said that the rehab clinic is taking care of the bill even though she wanted to use some of her fap porn money to pay for it. One of Octo's former nannies, Gina B, tells Radar that Xanax isn't her only mind number of choice. Gina says that Octo regularly guzzled from a water bottle filled with vodka and cranberry juice. Gina hasn't ever seen Octo drive the child army around while she's seven kinds of plastered, but Gina has heard stories about people stopping Octo from driving drunk. OctoMom's head is permanently pregnant with the crazy, but in her defense, if I had 14 screeching brats crawling all over me and begging for food all the time, I'd be fucked up on more than just Xanax. I don't condone shooting heroin directly into your skull, but I do condone it if you have 14 kids to take care of on a fap porn star salary. I know OctoMom did this to herself and Child Protective Services should probably just call it a day by selling all of her kids in a Going Out of Business Sale, but it's a miracle that she's still lucid enough to know that the best way to skip out on all your responsibilities is to get an addiction to Xanax so you can take an all-expenses paid VACATION! Bitch still has one sanity cell left in her brain (no, she doesn't). | |
| Oh, CoCo.... | Top |
| Right before Hurricane Sandy, caused deaths, knocked out power to millions, ate homes, ruined lives, drowned the boardwalk in Atlantic City and flooded my favorite restaurant (I know, it's always about ME), the exquisite lady T-Rex that is CoCo went on the terrace of her New Jersey apartment to show her Twitter followers the power of the storm (and nothing else, of course). You can tell that the winds are REALLY strong, because CoCo's rock hard sand bag titties are slightly swaying in the weeeeeeeend. You can tell it's really wet out there, because it's precipitatating all over CoCo's chichis (precipititties!). Oh, CoCo always manages to bring the demure elegance even in a natural disaster. And to those of you who aren't reading this because you're too busy trying snort Sanka crystals since your power was turned off, I will eat a Breakfast in a Can in solidarity with you. And I will also curse Lindsay Lohan's positive thoughts for getting so coked up that they didn't make the trip to the East Coast. Like with everything, blame it on a Lohan. Stay safe! | |
CREATE MORE ALERTS:
Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted
Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope
Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more
News - Only the news you want, delivered!
Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more
Weather - Get today's weather conditions
| You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089. |
No comments:
Post a Comment