The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
| Not Today. Not Ever. | Top |
| Obviously, you know I love hearing about all that dirty filthy gossip shit, but even some things should be saved for the psychiatrist's sofa in HELL. Case in point: Radar (via Page Six ) says that Larry King is basically a swinger. Nurse, just stick the IV drip directly into our brains. One of Larry King's many ex-wives says that he doesn't care that his wife Shawn Southwick is screwing other men, because he's getting it on with other women. Like her own sister. Larry's ex Julia Alexander King said, " Larry told me they both knew that each of them had others in their lives. I never asked him and he never told me who his 'other' was, but he knew Shawn was having an affair with the baseball coach. She practically flaunted it. He is a wonderful man in every area of his life except marriage. He just doesn't have a moral compass when it comes to women." Julia never said that Larry King goes to swingers parties, but she still planted that nightmarish image into my head. Just imagine Larry slithering around on a bed of naked women like a hungry Chuckwalla . When Larry's beady eyes spot a clitoris, his tongue jumps out like a lizard catching a fly. Just.....no. | |
| Yeah, Okay | Top |
| Vanilla Gorilla, who is fresh out of sex rehab, has something to say about Sandra Bullock divorcing his ass and raising a baby by herself. VG's statement is long, but the short version is: " Attention all tattooed whores who get wet at the mention of Mein Kampf, the line forms to the left! " And here's the complete version courtesy of Sandra Bullock Weekly (aka People Magazine ): "My whole life has been full of hard decisions. The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own, has been the hardest. The love I have for Louis cannot be put to words. Not having him around to love and to hold has left a huge hole in my heart. Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go. Right now it is time for me to beat this addiction that has taken two of the things I love the most in life. I have always taken great pride in proving people wrong. That time has come once again to show that I am not what everyone says I am. I know in my heart that I can be the best father possible to my four children, and the mate Sandy deserves, and realize that this is an incredible mountain to climb. But I believe that the steps I have taken in the last 30 days are the foundation for making this happen. The lifelong commitment I am making is what being a real husband and father is all about. I ask that you please do not judge Sandy for the things I have done. She has done no wrong. She played no part in any of this. She has been an amazing wife, mother, and best friend, for the over 6 years we have been together." Let Sandra end their marriage? Now I know he means that he's not contesting the divorce, but his choice of words make it sound like he's expecting Sandra to send him a teddy bear holding a heart-shaped " thank you " card. I really doubt Sandra send him an eVite that read, " Will you let me divorce you? " It sort of reminds me of the time I caught a boyfriend cybersexing (it was the late 90s) with a bunch of bottom bitch whores all over the country. I changed his AOL (again, late 90s) password and security question, and then told all of his internet sluts to go cyber eat a different cyber dick. Well, bitch retaliated by throwing all my shit into the hallway of our apartment building when I wasn't home. When I got home that night, my stuff was everywhere in the hallway. My Barbie, my Tickle Me Elmo, my bag of flavored lubes...EVERYTHING! Just when I was about to storm into the apartment to curse his ass out, he strolled out of the front door and said, " I packed for you. You're welcome ." Before I could beat him in the face with Elmo (his cries of pain mixed with Elmo's cackle would've been sweet music to my ears), he looked me in the eye and said in a serious tone, " I saved you a lot of time. " He later told me that he seriously felt he was doing me a favor by taking all my stuff out of the drawers for me. Bitch was, is and forever will be crazy. I mean, I had to do the walk of shame to my car while holding a fucking Barbie. And not any Barbie, but a Cheerleader Barbie! Honestly, I wouldn't have been as mortified if it was a different kind of Barbie. Cheerleader Barbie? Embarrassing! So fuck you, Vanilla Gorilla! Take my Cheerleader Barbie and shove it up your ass! | |
| Lavender Champagne In A Lucite Flute | Top |
| Pour the coffee down the drain, put the meth pipe back in your desk drawer and tell your co-worker that they don't need to inject your veins with Red Bull this morning. Who needs any of those things to take them up up and away when you can sip on this sparkling drink of elegance. Yes, you might get HPV warts on your gums and throat, but that's a small price to pay! Here's the Empress of Lucite looking like a single strand of lavender sprouting out of an angel's asshole. Doesn't she just take your breath away? Again, it could be the genital warts in you throat blocking your windpipe, but she's still the most beautiful woman IN DA WORLD! You know this. And somewhere in Buckingham Palace, Queen Elizabeth II is sending her styling team into a frenzy, because now they have to find a new outfit for her to wear to church on Sunday. | |
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