Sunday, May 1, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

What A Waste Of Delicious Eggs Top
It was only about three seconds ago that Justin Bieber was merely a fertilized egg in his mother's womb and now he's getting attacked with eggs at his sold out concert in Sydney, Australia. The Bieber was breaking out his toddler moves on stage when someone tried to break several eggs on his face. Who the hell has enough disposable income to buy a ticket and live out their evil fantasy of egging a dancing toddler?! But on second look, it seems that the eggs are raining down from the rafters! Maybe this act of Bieber hate came from a little monster pigeon who is paying him back for throwing shade at Lady Caca's rotten green egg cocoon . You know, I've always said that a cold egg yolk lying on a dirty stage floor is your brain on Bieber. And you don't have to put on your mourning veil and light a candle, because the follicle bowl of cherub dreams on Justin's head was not harmed in the making of this egging. via Daily Mail
 
And They're Holding Hands Top
Here's ScarJo and the sun-damaged German Shepherd that is Sean Penn leaving a White House Correspondents' Dinner after-party while giving the international signal for: " Yeah, our nipples will be in each other's mouths later ." To think, about this time last year ScarJo was holding the peen of walking 8-pack Ryan Reynolds and now she's stepping out with Jeff Spicoli. Either ScarJo is only using Sean Penn to get to her real wet dream star Hugo Chavez or Penn has a peen so thick that he could plug up any size hole in a leaky raft. Not sure, but one thing I am sure about is that the rumor that she's knocked up is only going to get stronger thanks to this picture. But I for one believe ScarJo when she says she's not giving birth to a gigantic wrinkly tit baby that smells like cigarette smoke anytime soon. You too would be bloated as all hell if you were humping on Sean Penn.
 
Obama Roasts Trump Top
At last night's White House Correspondents dinner, basic cable reality stars (see: Sarah Palin ), actors of The CW (see: Ian Somerhalder ) and half-shaven comedic teddy bears (see: Zach Galifnotgoingtogooglerightnow ) sprayed their pits with fancy water to nibble on overcooked filet mignon and flambe their creme brulee desserts on the hot flame that shot out of Donald Trump's dehydrated hairy toad asshole when Obama verbally double slapped him in the mouth over and over again. Watching a direct descendant of one of Jaba the Hutt's hemorrhoids sit there with a mad scowl on his face is what would consider as feel good porn. Trump got trumped and I'm sure even the lone sparkle in my rhinestone heart named Melania Trump let out a laugh or two. Melania later told her sugar daddy that she wasn't laughing, she was letting out a Slovenian boo. As Obama poked at Trump with a LOL stick for that birth certificate ridiculousness, he just sat there with constipated smile on his face and squirmed like Melania whenever he gives her the "it's about that time to fulfill paragraph 5, line 10 of your marriage contract" sex look. I mean, the dumb douche could've let out a fake laugh or two to show that he's sort of a good sport, but he just had himself a pouty party for one instead. I really can't wait to see how the Trump responds. He already used all of his "miserable fat cow" lines on Rosie O'Donnell, so I'm sure he'll just say that Obama tells jokes like a Kenyan. Click here if you want to see Obama's full act (and click here for Seth Meyers' speech). And here's a few pictures of who put oxygen masks over their face as Trump got roasted. In order: Salma Hayek with her husband Francois-Henri Pinault, Zach Galifakanakakaisisis, Trump with Melania, Paula Abdul, Shaun White, Joan Rivers, Amy Poehler with friend, Anna Paquin with Beeeehl, Ian Somerhalder, Briston Palin, Jane Lynch with her wife Dr. Lara Embry, Cee-Lo Green, Sarah Palin, Rachel Maddow,
 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top
Mia the 1-year-old Belgian Malinois who is probably smarter than all of us combined. And if she's not smarter than all of us combined, she's definitely smarter than my chihuahua who is known for trying to run through sliding glass doors....several times...in a row. When a serious fire blew through a house in Greenville County, South Carolina (probably caused by Mia's ass falling asleep while smoking a cigarette), Mia the dog ran down into the basement and hid in a water-filled bathtub for almost 6 hours! That's some I Shouldn't Be Alive shit! Mia had to open four doors to get down there. Firefighters say that the water they were spraying at the house trickled down into the basement and filled the bathtub down there. When they brought Mia out, she was wet and covered with soot. You know, sort of like me after staring at manufactured pictures of Prince Hot Ginge in his patriotic long panties . Mia's family was out to dinner at the time and even though their house is pretty much a pile of memories and ash now, they are glad their dog friend survived. " That was a pretty special moment for us, because she's definitely part of the family," said Mia's owner. Firefighters think the fire started in the attic, but they are still investigating to find the real cause. Cut to Mia throwing a " Bitches GOT GOT " wink at the camera as her owners call up the insurance company to collect a check. Could a cat ever pull an insurance scheme like that? Source: Wyff4 via Fark
 
Birthday Sluts Top
Joanna Lumley (65) Julie Benz (39) Wes Anderson (42) D'Arcy Wretzky (43) Tim McGraw (44) Judge Marilyn Milian (50) Ray Parker Jr. (57) Glen Ballard (58) John Woo (65) Rita Coolidge (66) Judy Collins (72)
 
The Unicorns Are Crying Rainbow Tears Of Happiness Today! Top
If you saw a rainbow shaking in the sky yesterday, then you witnessed the moment Mimi's twin unicorlings started to finally push themselves out of her down low glitter heart, but she desperately wanted them to be born on the day of her 3rd wedding anniversary with Nick Cannon , so she held her vagina tight the same way she holds an earth-shattering high note. And then at around 12:07pm EST today, she finally exhaled and out poured a pair of candy coated babies who brought with them a placenta made of Jolly Ranchers and their first cry is expected to debut at #1 on iTunes charts later today (TRUTH NOTE: She probably had her C-section scheduled for today). Yes, after being pregnant for at least two centuries, thee Mimi has finally given thee birth! AND THE LAMBS AND UNICORNS CRY IN UNISON!!!!! Here's the announcement the cherubs carried on a Lisa Frank scroll to People : Carey, 42, delivered the babies Saturday at 12:07 p.m. EST at an undisclosed hospital in Los Angeles. Carey's representative, Cindi Berger, confirmed the births to The Associated Press, saying the baby girl was born first, weighing 5 lbs., 3 oz., and was 18 inches long; her brother was next, at 5 lbs. 6 oz., and was 19 inches. Berger tells PEOPLE "she's doing great" and they were listening to Carey's "We Belong Together" after the children were born. "I spoke to both of them and they are both completely overjoyed." Asked if the birth was planned to coincide with her anniversary, she said: "No, not even Mariah could plan that." "Nick was very nervous and Mariah was completely calm. Mariah thought it was another soft labor and Nick was driving her to the hospital and she very calm and the music was blasting," she added. "When they walked into the hospital, [Nick] was going the wrong way and they nurse redirected them to go the maternity ward, and I said to her, 'that's right out of I Love Lucy,' and she laughed." Mimi and Nick have yet to release their babies' names, because they're waiting for the trademark to be approved and their lawyers are checking to see if they will have any copyright issues if they name one of them after a Gummi Bears character. There's no doubt that Mimi and Nick will give them a name worthy of a gay Care Bear whose ass spits sequins. Like you would ever hear Mimi scream, " Jennifer, do you want the rhinestone-encrusted pony tail hair extensions or the strawberry-flavored ones? " More like, " Butterfly Fantasy Honey, do you want the rhinestone-encrusted pony tail hair extensions of the strawberry-flavored ones? " And that will be the boys' name.
 
Tallulah Belle Willis Busted For Underage Boozing Top
Seen here dressed like a Nascar parking lot hooker who is always talking about how she's trying to get to Las Vegas to become a dancer in a big time classy-like stage show (SPOILER ALERT: She ends up working as a morning-shift cashier at strip club in Henderson), Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' 17-year-old daughter Tallulah Belle was caught with a bottle of the sweet nectar in Hollywood at around 11pm last night. If your stepfather is Ashton Kutcher, you should legally be allowed to drown the fact that your stepfather is Ashton Kutcher with booze. It should say that on alcohol labels right next to the part about how it's wrong to marinate your fetus with whiskey. TMZ says that Tallulah and two of her friends were getting out of a car when the cops noticed their stupid asses carrying two bottles of booze. Since Tallulah and both of her friends are underage, the cops cited them all with underage possession. The cops refused to release them back into the wild on their own, so Demi had to take a moment out from injecting her face with liquefied plastic baby parts to pick her up. Sure, we can all say that Tallulah is as thick as her battering ram chin for not getting drunk in the dark part of her garage the same way we did when we were 17, but that's not the extra dumb part. The extra dumb part is that they were a) driving and b) they didn't even try to hide their booze bottles while out in public. We're all taught at a very young age that if you're going to get drunk outside of a bar or house, put your vodka in a water bottle or some kind of container that isn't clear. This is the DUH of all DUHs! Even BABIES know this! I swear, Tallulah deserves several swats to the chin for that dumb move alone. (Fame Pictures)
 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top
Ben Sheward , the cartwheeling verger who was so happy about the Royal Wedding (or happy that it was FINALLY done with) that he let his emotions flip him over so that his crotch smiled at the sky! Now, you know that when I said my Royal Wedding coverage was done, I was lying. The Royal Wedding is like that one-night trick you can't get to leave. After you've had your fun and you throw out a not-so-subtle hint by saying, " Aaaaaah, I'm so busy today. I have to flea dip my crotch and crochet a dozen yarn muffins for obese orphans, etc... ", they still won't leave! You take a shower, come out and find that they've made you breakfast. You like breakfast, so you eat it. Then you go into your bathroom and say you have to pluck each one of your pubic hairs out on by one (which could take HOURS, if not days) and you come back out to find that they've color-coded all of your books. You like looking at a book shelf full of color-coded books, so you say thank you, but then you tell them that you've just been told that you have exactly 2 hours to live because your last kidney is about to give out. Your one-night trick then tells you that not only does he have an extra kidney he can give you, but he's also a surgeon who specializes in doing bath tub surgeries on the fly. He just won't leave. The Royal Wedding is like that. You want them to leave, but then they give you gems like this video of the Cartwheeling Verger! via Buzzfeed & Contact Music
 
Birthday Sluts Top
Willie Nelson (78) Dianna Agron (25) Kirsten Dunst (29) Tyler Labine (33) Amanda Palmer (35) Johnny Galecki (36) Jeff Timmons (38) Adrian Pasdar (46) Lars Von Trier (55) Jane Campion (57) Burt Young (71) Gary Collins (73) Cloris Leachman (85)
 
Open Post: Hosted By ASkars Top
After a day full of technicolor wedding hat bukkake, you might be craving something simple like pictures of Alexander Skarsgard talking on the phone after lonche in L.A. yesterday, so here's some simple pictures of Alexander Skarsgard talking on the phone after lonche in L.A. yesterday. Not sure who's hanging on to his ear, but he seems into it. Maybe he's telling Kate Bosworth that he really can't wait to get home and use her salad tong legs to toss the lettuce (not a euphemism). But then again, he could be gnawing on his soul while trying to communicate with his credit card company's customer service. Like me yesterday! You know, when I call to make a payment, you'd think that they would want me to put out and get out before I change my mind. It's such a rare occasion that I actually make a payment (I'm joking! No, I'm not!) ! But they don't, they always have to try to sell me Segway insurance or anal cavity protection or whatever. When I tell them no, they push. When I tell them I'm vulnerable and making a payment to them is a very hard thing for me to swallow, they push harder. And when I finally hang up on them and they're forced to spend their lunch hour reporting me to collections, I only blame them for this! It's their fault they can't enjoy their cheese and mayo sandwich in the lunch room with the others! They just couldn't let me be! Yeah, that's totally what ASkars is doing. On another note, unless January Jones decides to mix headlines by revealing that the father of her baby is Prince Philip , this will be my last post of the day. I'm in Texas so there's drunken pedicab rides to be had and I must terrorize what's left of my bowels with massive amounts of fried everything. Yay!
 

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