The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Tommy Got A Haircut!
- About That Rug On Jason Alexander's Head.....
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 28th!
- Jennifer Aniston's Official Response
- Open Post: Hosted By The Silver Fox Losing His Spinach Virginity
- Jessica Alba Just Had To Tell Us Why She Named Her Daughter Haven
- Snooki Lost Some Chunk Thanks To Diet Pills
- R.I.P. Heidi The Cross-Eyed Possum
- Nicole Richie Might Have New Chichis
| Tommy Got A Haircut! | Top |
There's a good reason for why Tommy Cruise has that beauty shop glow about him like he just hopped off of two booster seats on a hairdresser's chair and sucked in attention from old ladies who gave him lollipops while telling him what a handsome mister man he is, because that's what just happened! The bad news that made Tommy Girl's Scientolohole frown is that he had to cut the luscious locks that even took the breath away from Helene Curtis herself. Every time Tommy swept into the door of the Scientology sauna, the boys always hummed out the Salon Selectives song. That's not going to happen anymore. But the good news is that Tommy now looks like k.d. lang in her Vanity Fair cover days and that's an upgrade! Tommy worked his butch bitch haircut in NYC yesterday and Pittsburgh today while getting ready to shoot the movie One Shot. Tommy is going to play the character of Jack Reacher who in the book is a 6'5" 250lb blond policeman. HA. Tommy is supposed to be taller and they cut that tiny bitch's hair? They should've given him a bouffant beehive instead. The only way Tommy can look 6'5" is if the other cast members are made up of the living members of the Lollipop Guild, the Little Chocolatiers, Matt Roloff, Ryan Gaycrest, Snooki, the Monopoly Scottie Dog, hamsters in bonnets and the Baby Jesuses from Modern Family. Even then, Tommy would have to stand on his tippity tip tip toes on an apple box and they'd have to stretch him in post-production Paula Abdul-style. | |
| About That Rug On Jason Alexander's Head..... | Top |
Seeing Jason Alexander without a half-nekkid head is as weird as seeing one of your old high school teachers on Grindr or like walking in on your abuelita changing from her day bra into her sleeping bra. It's a little weird. When Jason Alexander first came out with a teddy bear's butt cheek on his head, I figured it was for a role or maybe IN THIS ECONOMY he wanted to save money on SPF by wearing a hairbrella of sorts. But Jason says I figured wrong. Jason went on Twitter to explain that his head hairs have been quitting him since he was 17 and he wanted to be seen as something other than the "funny bald guy." Jason's long ass monologue about his toupee is here, but below is a piece of it. What you see on my head is a really good, semi-permanent hairpiece. By semi-permanent I mean that I can wear it constantly for weeks at a time, if I so choose. I can swim, shower, work out -- whatever. It stays on. Or I can take it off any time of any day I choose. The reason it looks thin is that I challenged my designer to make me a piece that would look very similar to the way I did 10 years ago. So, it looks like a guy who is losing his hair and isn't an artificial mop of hair that I never had. The designer was dubious at first but he actually loves the look now. And the fact is that we are still playing around with the shape and density to make it as flattering and natural looking as we can. Good for Jason for coming clean about the piece on his head unlike certain wheezy old goat-footed queens that I will not name here. JOHN TRAVOLTA! But Jason is so serious about this shit (example: use of the word "dubious") and sounds like he's reading a testimonial for Jeremy Piven's wiglet collection. It's just a hair tile! It's not that serious, but it's still your duty to yank it off and throw it out of the window if you come face to hair piece with it. If Jason's hair rug doesn't work out, he can give it to the moles who will raise it as their own or he can dye it green and give to a little girl who can use it as a putting green for her Barbie. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
The Pregnant Dude pushed out another one! - Just Jared Kristen Stewart as Butch White - Lainey Gossip It's almost fittingly artistic the way it looks like a car wash scrubby curtain is wiping against Kim Kardashian's chocha - The Superficial Gay Glee Homewrecker Alert! - Towleroad I'm sure the Northern Irish farmer put RiRi's "$20 for a blow, $50 for a lay" look together for her - Hollywood Tuna The Lone Ranger has been pulled out of its coffin and will ride again - Sindication Well, at least Uniboob Lady can get a role in the Total Recall remake - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Gaycrest must've borrowed Tommy Girl's lifts and Julianne Hough borrowed Katie Holmes' slouch - Popsugar This sad shit is not what I had in mind when I Googled "dude getting a hummer" - The Daily What Ann Jillian is looking hot - Popoholic Chewbacca and Jar Jar Binks found love in a hopeless place - ICYDK A whole lot of JTT - The Berry Tammy Lynn Michaels now has a perfect place to put the box of dildos Melissa Etheridge accidentally had delivered to her house - I'm Not Obsessed Amber Rose still exists - Hollywood Rag BABIES!!!!, here's one with Alyssa Milano - SOW Stacy Keibler reminds us all that she's still humping on George Clooney by going to his premiere - Moe Jackson ASSPEE Simpson - Cityrag | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 28th! | Top |
via WOW Report | |
| Jennifer Aniston's Official Response | Top |
Jennifer Aniston won't comment on the shit-stirring ladle that Brad Pitt threw up, but why waste vowels when she can say everything in a bunch of photos that will soon replace the pictures she keeps in her wallet of her Cabbage Patch Doll babies in their first day of school outfits. Terry Richardson took this photographic series titled "Guess Who's Dull Now, Brad?! Still Me? Okay." of his friend Justin Theroux and Jennifer on top of a roof in NYC somewhere, and posted them on his site today. Yes, these are Terry Richardson originals. But where is the white backdrop? Where are the exposed nipples? Where is the lighting that makes the pictures look like they were taken in a basement with a door that has no inside knob on it? But more importantly, where are the cum splatters? It's not a Terry Richardson original until I can look at it and say, "Exquisite composition. I really appreciate the way that man chowder is splattered all over that shoulder bone." So the next time Terry shoots Jennifer and her leased piece (and there will be a next time), there needs to be more nipples and peen leche. JIZZ or the GTFO! | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The Silver Fox Losing His Spinach Virginity | Top |
| I'm not a Nielsen family, but I record myself watching Anderson Cooper's daytime talk show live every single day and then I send that disc off to whoever counts the ratings with a note that reads: COUNT THIS! COUNT THIS! Because I am a very supportive imaginary stalker boyfriend no matter what. But after every episode, I change out of my AC Show-watching uniform (aka a Gloria Vanderbilt denim jumpsuit) while asking myself: What in three fucks are you doing, Andy?! Don't get my allegiance wrong, I'd watch Mah Boo wax the fur off of every Kardashian's ass for three hours straight (he's saving that for sweeps), but damn his show can be ridiculous. And Andy earned himself a permanent place on top of his own RidicuList during yesterday's show when he revealed something personal that he's never publicly admitted: HE'S NEVER PUT SPINACH IN HIS MOUTH! Even Olive Oyl was like, "And, Andy?" Andy could've at least pulled some Maury shit by pretending he suffered from some a spinach phobia. That way when they brought out the plate of spinach, he could've jumped through that window wall and glided to safety on the trail of bubbles that come out of his mouth when he giggles. But no, he just made gross faces while eating the spinach. Don't even bring up the fact that Andy doesn't drink coffee when I drink so much that I practically shit out Tiramisu. That being said, you know I still recorded Andy saying "It's slithery!" and programmed that into my electronic talking lube bank. | |
| Jessica Alba Just Had To Tell Us Why She Named Her Daughter Haven | Top |
The former miserable bump on a bitch who could turn the world off with her snarl (I miss THAT MiserAlba) baptized her brand new shiny baby daughter Haven (above with Honor) into the tabloid kingdom by presenting her in front of Not OK! Magazine's cameras for a quick check. And during her talk about babies with OK, Jessica Alba just had to get into the details of why she and her husband Coins Warren gave their daughter the name they gave her. Warning: If you're eating shrimp wonton soup for lunch, and a shot of fish broth just hit the back of your throat after you bit into a wet dough bag, you might want to save this story for never. "When I delivered Haven she was born still inside the amniotic sac, which is rare. The doctor had never seen anything like it before. He grabbed the nurse and said: 'Look at this!' I was in the middle of pushing and he told me to hold on a minute and not to push! He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt and said: 'Oh I have to get my scrubs on for this!' The sac burst on its own after she came out. It was a trip. Couldn't MiserAlba just lie to us and say that she named her baby friend after that SyFy show or that staring into the STAINS eyeballs of James Haven hypnotized her into going with that name. Honestly, Sac Burst would've been a better name than Haven. via Digital Spy | |
| Snooki Lost Some Chunk Thanks To Diet Pills | Top |
Snooki is the epitome of wellness and health so I'm sure you were sitting there thinking that she got her new midget JWoww body from fist pumping the pounds away and sweating the fat off while trying to wrap her kooka milanese around Vinny's watermelon dick, but nope! The Daily Mail points to Snooki's Twitter page where yesterday she admitted that along with the cocktail of meds the CDC makes her swallow with a giant glass of pickle water, she also eats a diet pill called Zantrex. This makes sense since Snooki has what I like to call diet pill face, which is meth face's first cousin. The skinniest Ewok on Endor said this on Twitter: Glad to hear reports that say I look good =) but it's not because of HCG! Thanks @Zantrex! The DM says that eating Zantrex might give you the these fun side-effects: palpitations, anxiety, cold sweats, nausea, diarrhea, increased heart rate and irritability. That's funny. Those are the some side-effects a trick gets after eating Snooki. I took diet pills once and the only thing it did for me was show me what a day in the life of an incontinent tweaker is like. When I wasn't shaking, I was shaking the shit out. It was a mess. The inside of my toilet looked like a Jackson Pollock (Jackson Poollock?) painting. I didn't lose a pound, but I did lose 48 hours of sleep and whatever feeling I had left my no-no so it was a non-stop party. If that's Snooki's idea of a good time, then I say shake and shit your way to thinness, bitch. And since Snooki is in a dieting mood, she needs to purge the expired bronzer and lipstick (in shade: "slug shit") from her make-up box. Unless she wants to look like Mr. Hankey in drag as Aunt Magda. | |
| R.I.P. Heidi The Cross-Eyed Possum | Top |
The most famous cross-eyed opossum in the world and former Hot Slut, Heidi, has closed her googly sticker eyes for the last time and floated off to the great big knocked over trash can in the sky at the way-too-young age of three and a half. The sores on my heart have not yet healed over Knut tragically earning a place in Oscar's In Memoriam montage (they better not forget) and now Heidi?! QUICK. Form two prayer circles around Frankenlouie! The director of Germany's Leipzig Zoo delivered the sad news to Spiegel this morning. The zoo said that cross-eyed Heidi suffered from arthritis and other disorders brought on by the olds. (Mammal lesson: Possums usually don't live past the age of 4.) They didn't want Heidi to suffer anymore so they put her to sleep. Ruhe in frieden (shit accent caused by Google Translate), Heidi. Your cross-eyed legacy will forever live on the face of Vienna Sausage. | |
| Nicole Richie Might Have New Chichis | Top |
UsWeekly has one picture from a couple of years ago of Nicole Richie's titty situation looking about as flat as the line that comes on the monitor when a ho hooks Parasite Hilton's snatch up to an EEG machine, and next to that they have a recent picture of Lionel Richie's child looking like a twin set of Ziploc bags slipped into her belly button hole and traveled north. Some source claims that Nicole Richie did something she say she'd never do! No, I'm not talking about Nicole going to a hot tub party at Parasite's house without bringing the melted butter for the soft-shell crotch crabs that float to the surface. I'm talking about getting a silicone injection to her chest. The source says that Nicole is telling her friends that her chichis looked like two sunny side up microwaved eggs tacked to a cork board thanks to breastfeeding and so she took her nipples higher (or lower, depending on who did the job). The source went on to say, "In the past, she said she wanted a lift, though we never thought she was serious. She's been open about it to friends. The pregnancies took a toll. She said breast-feeding killed what boobs she did have!" Maybe Nicole got her chest plumped or maybe BABIES!! and eating more than slivers of dust caused her breast situation to grow. Who knows. But the real lesson here is that eating is nothing but a good thing. It can take you from looking like a Tequila worm that got bit by a zombie to looking good. Like I've said before, don't eat for yourself, eat for your chichis! Or maybe I'm wrong as usual, and Nicole just got a good old-fashioned Bangkok titty slap. | |
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