The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- And Here's Adele's New Video
- Michelle Obama Is Real People
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 29th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By The 90s
- BREAKING: Angie Jo Got Zahara's Ears Pierced
- Demi And Ashton Think They're Really Deep
| And Here's Adele's New Video | Top |
| By popular demand (aka two friends emailing me), here's Adele walking around Paris singing a song that I always think is a James Blunt song whenever it yodels out of my iTunes. Listening to an Adele song makes me thank Shauna Sand's exquisite lucite heels that she wasn't around during my first major-ish relationship when I was 18. The disc changer in my Mitsubishi Mirage would've never survived if she was around then. It would've been a disgusting display marinated in a gross puddle of sappiness. Whenever my first boyfriend and I would get into a fight over some stupid shit (examples: Him looking at the waiter at Coco's for way too long. Him not answering any of my 35 voicemails in a timely manner. A timely manner being 2 seconds after I left it. I don't care if you're taking a caca. Cut it short or learn how to push and talk at the same time.), he'd put himself on mute and ignore me for days. This happened almost every week. Every time he did that, I'd get into my Mitsubishi Mirage and take the pilgrimage (in search of the pathetic me that lounges in the shallow parts of my soul) to his house in the middle of the night. I'd sit in my car and loudly sing along to some easy listening Emo crap while picturing him tapping his peen on the ass cheeks of that skanky, homohome wrecking Coco's waiter! Sometimes I'd sink down into new levels of teenage desperation by leaving my car to drop a small mound of dirt on his porch. I'd go to Denny's, eat a plate of fried woe is me and then I'd go back to his porch to see if the mound of dirt I left was disturbed (it never was). Just a mess that nobody should admit. So I thank Adele for not being around then or my tonsils, my Mitsubishi Mirage and my first boyfriend's Long Beach neighborhood would've all had to enter the Scorned Gay Protection Program. The me of today watches this video and thinks: "Bitch, just get new dick! Isn't there a bar around that bridge? Shit." The teenage me would've called my ex-boyfriend and played this song in its entirety on his voicemail over and over again until his box filled up (throw that image back into the gutter, you sick ho), because it could no longer take the crazy. | |
| Michelle Obama Is Real People | Top |
Just like some of us, the First Lady stocks up on life's essentials like lube, wine cubes, Febreze and Pizza Rolls at the caviar to Walmart's gutter fish head known as Target! I'm sure your eyeballs have already graced these pictures when the Lifetime news bureau cut into the rerun of Dance Moms you were watching to bring you this highly important breaking news story, but I'm giving them to you again to show you that I still have an uncanny ability to bring you a story a day late. I've still got it! As secret service agents in Target employee camouflage tased any bitch in the eye lids who threw a suspicious look at the First Lady, Michelle Obama strolled the aisles of a Target in Alexandria, Va for 30 minutes yesterday afternoon. The only person who recognized Michelle Obama was her cashier......and the Associated Press photographer who said he received a "tip" that she was there. (delivered in my best Pearl from 227 voice) Er herr. A tip. Is that the official code for Bo texting tips to AP photographers in exchange for Snausages? You know, I'm not mad at Michelle Obama for joining good company by inducting herself into the Stunt Queen Hall of Fame. But I am mad at Michelle Obama for going to Target instead of Walmart. I mean, while inducting herself into the Stunt Queen Hall of Fame, she could've also joined the demure graceful flowers at the People of Walmart Hall of Fame. Missed opportunity! | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 29th! | Top |
Presenting the 2011 graduates of the Phoebe Price Seat Fillers Academy. - OurMissC Runners-up: This month's meeting is adjourned. You'll find refreshments, lubricants and an air compressor in the lobby. - Snarkley Well, it's not all that bad. Either way, dude gets the arm rest. - NoAnjl At the world premiere, the stars of the movie Lars and the Real Girl, sit with the stars of the lower budget sequel Jim and the Not Even Fucking Close to Real Girls. - DMoan (Thanks Ruddy) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The incredibly magical Dallas Raines! When I was in California a couple of weeks ago and filling my insides with Double Doubles, Sourdough Yacks and the strange green shake my mom made me drink to kill the fast food pesticides that were slowly eating my internal organs (her words, not mine), I loved throwing my bloated carcass over my mom's sofa to get my daily dose of Vitamin D from the weatherman with one of the hottest made-up names in the game. Dallas has been the weatherman on Channel 7 in L.A. since the beginning of time and I grew up being dazzled by his smooth Billy Flynn-like moves. Being reunited with Dallas, taught me that either he gets his body reupholstered with the finest Corinthian leather found in a Cadillac every year, or it's really true and leather does get finer with age. Stunning has a name and it's Dallas Raines. If it was hailing on top of my head and Dallas told me it was hailing on top of my head, I still wouldn't believe him, but I would get lost in the twinkles that spark off his unicorn finger nail veneers. (Yes, unicorns have finger nails.) Just as much as Dallas Raines loves being Dallas Raines, his bathroom mirror loves being his bathroom mirror. And I don't blame it. And one would think that "shade" is Dallas' greatest arch rival, but that isn't the case. Dallas Raines' sworn nemesis is a big fly! Oh, how I love Dallas Raines. And I'm guessing Nicolas Cage loves Dallas Raines as much as I do, because it's obvious that he's based all of his mannerisms on the human solar flare that is Dallas Raines. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Angie Dickinson (80) | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
This handsome actor's boozing has gotten so out of control that he's now showing up drunk to the set of his award-winning series! The star can't kick his early-morning cocktails, so producers were forced to intervene and have given him one final warning. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) If it's a Carnation Instant Breakfast Daiquiri or a Pisco Sour with Egg Beaters then it doesn't count as an "early-morning cocktail," it counts as a well-balanced breakfast! I'll guess that this is Michael Pitt from Boardwalk Empire? I almost said Jon Hamm, but I don't think the producers would give him a "final warning" even if he shared a crack pipe for two with Whitney Houston in front of his trailer. Which leads me to..... This former A list singer who is now pretty much just a celebrity was being honored at an event recently. Just because you are being honored does not mean you cannot take a smoke break. The thing is that our singer took smoke breaks with her crack pipe. Yep. Three times that night, the singer joined others outside and while they were smoking cigarettes, our singer smoked some crack. It is not like she has not been doing it for 20 years, it is just that it seemed out of place at an event designed to honor her. (Blind Gossip) To be different, I tried to type the name of Whitney Houston's cousin, but my keyboard froze up and an error that read "511 You A Coward Baby" came up, so I'm taking that as a sign and going with the obvious. I guess this actress is a B list by name recognition, but if we are going by acting talent it would be a Z. OK, maybe that is an exaggeration. How about an S. Anyway, she also does some other things that make her some money, and she is probably more well known for them than her acting. Our actress recently bought a huge mansion with a really large price tag. Living large right? Well, it turns out that our actress got most of the money for the purchase from an A list ex. He is guaranteeing the loan and also put up most of the down payment. The ex was thrilled that she bought a place so close to his. I think he is expecting way more than for her to repay him the money. (CDAN) Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen? Charlie is just hoping that if he's closer to Irv Richards, he'll pick up some of that pepaw's swag. This very famous, and iconic actor from the 60′s is beloved by all his fans, but not so much by anyone that know him personally. Pretty much anyone that is around him or involved in his life currently, is there because of money. They are getting paid to do so. He is demanding, selfish and very eccentric. Several weeks ago, he had a fall and no one was around to help him because everyone had gone home for the evening. He was found by his house staff the next morning and had spent the night on his kitchen floor, crying. (BuzzFoto) Ryan O'Neal? Jerry Lewis? Who ever it is needs these two words in his life: LIFE ALERT! | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Embarrassment is the "You just had to wear that scarf out in public, didn't you?" look on the face of Ryan Reynolds' dog - Popsugar Every time I see pictures of Sofia Vergara now I think she's going to rip off her skin suit and reveal that she's a fat white woman underneath like she does in her KMart commercials - Hollywood Tuna Duchess Kate should've accessorized her 80s sweat dress with British Knight heels and snap bracelets - Lainey Gossip FOX is the gayest network on TV which isn't saying much - Towleroad This is fake (Chris Brown's grammar isn't that good) but reading about Chris Brown's bossy power bottom ways was like a prostate massage for my soul - The Superficial Oh, how I wish these were pictures of Divine Brown rockin' her tits but I guess I'll have to settle for Elizabeth Hurley - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather ScarJo's long-winded professional way of saying "Yup, it was my nipples" - Just Jared Yes, because sharks only like their humans meat-stuffed - The Daily What Kiki Dunst is shinier than a Crisco-dipped ballsack at Folsom - Hollywood Rag Dead Sox - Cityrag Mike Myers' new son and your family dog might share a name - Celebitchy Kill whatever that creature on Vanessa Hudgens' feet is with fire - ICYDK Christina Ricci once did something I used to do on a daily basis - The Berry Salma Hayek's chichis throw a demure wink at the camera - Popoholic Can Andre Leon Talley take Ty Ty with him? - OMG Blog Taylor Swift's perfume commercial could also double as a Kotex ad directed at tweens who haven't gotten their period yet - I'm Not Obsessed Brad Bird is totally Xenutized - Videogum | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The 90s | Top |
| Dlisted's headquarters (aka my dining room table) is currently experiencing technical difficulties (aka I FUCKING HATE FIOS). We apologize and please enjoy this video of people in TV and movies saying "It's the 90s!" over and over again as our team (aka me) works (aka curses at that automated voice bitch) to remedy (aka fuckit, it's liquid lunch time) this problem. Thank you. P.S. - I wish it really was the 90s since we had better internet connection then than I do right now. Wah. Wah. Wah. | |
| BREAKING: Angie Jo Got Zahara's Ears Pierced | Top |
Don't believe the part in The Holy Bible that says all of the tiny deities of Brangelina can naturally grow diamonds from their ear lobes. That bible story was proven as a myth the other day when St. Angie Jo took Zahara and Shiloh to get their lobes shot up with gold studs at some salon in London. Yes, just like us mere mortals, the blessed ears of the ethereal messiahs spit out lobe smegma when they go through the rite of passage known as the ear piercing infection. This gripping tale of determination and the suffering of a child messiah comes to us from some anonymous source who tells UsWeekly that Shiloh quickly backed away from the ear piercing gun after Zahara started to scream for her godfather Jesus to save her. The source said this mess: "The eldest girl picked out some pretty 18-carat gold studs and gave them to her mom. The piercing gun was a bit too painful for her and she screamed then burst into tears. She was saying it felt like a stapler, so her little sister changed her mind about having hers done. Angelina bought them another little gift to make sure they both felt special." That warmness you feel all around you after reading that riveting story is the same feeling Moses felt when he saw the celestial light of God radiating from the volcano. Your life is complete. But seriously, Shiloh and Zahara are a bunch of weaklings who don't know what REAL suffering is! I didn't have the luxury of putting my lobe under the fancy piercing gun of a fancy British professional at some fancy salon in fancy London. My mom crushed my dreams by refusing to take me to Spencer's Gifts to get my "straight ear" pierced. I had to get in a hot bath, numb the lobe of my other gay ear with ice and then try to shove my abuelita's knitting needle into that shit. My dreams were crushed again when I couldn't do it and the amethyst earring I stole from my mother never made it into my lobe. That's true suffering right there. And yes, I'm now just realizing that me wearing an amethyst stud completely defeats the whole purpose of the stupid "straight ear" thing. | |
| Demi And Ashton Think They're Really Deep | Top |
Any normal celebrity couple would answer to the rumors that their marriage has been drowned in a pool of crotch nectar from the husband's side piece by issuing a simple statement that reads: "True" or "Not true" or "Your business: mind it." But Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore aren't even in the same universe as normal and have answered to the rumors by dropping philosophical balls of shit and clues on their Twitter pages. Dumi's stupid ass wrote the first chapter of The Da Douche Code when she quoted Greek philosopher Epictetus days before Star Magazine said her marriage was lying on a table in the morgue. "When we are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger." The second chapter was written by Ashton when he Tweeted a link to his Spotify account where Public Enemy's "Don't Believe The Hype" plays. A few days before Ashton's Tweet, Demi Tweeted the picture above of her doing an impression of the current catatonic state of her marriage and she added the note: "I see through you." This is what happens when your brain gets fed with too much Oprah. It makes a bitch think she's a regular philosophical performance artist. Rumer Willis, go poke at your mama with your chin and tell her she's won. We won't complain about her desperate bathroom bikini photo shoots as long as she promises to queef the wannabe Maya Angelou act from her being. | |
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