The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Open Post: Hosted By The Leto In Red
- I Take It Back.
- "I Am Shit-Ra, Princess Of Herpes!"
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest for October 28th!
- Open Post: Hosted By Our Lady Of Cheetos
- Usher Parks In A Handicap Spot, Crazed Chaos Ensues
- Lourdes Speaks!
| Open Post: Hosted By The Leto In Red | Top |
It was very brave and strong of Jared Leto to show up to last night's GQ Man of the Year Awards in Berlin just an hour after a near-fatal electrocution accident involving shock therapy nipple clamps, a plugged-in vibrator and a tub full of water fried his hair to Marcel from Top Chef proportions. I don't even know.... Either Jared was going for "Wolverine's gorgeous lesbian sister as a 1980s hit woman in an Almodovar movie" or maybe he really wanted bitches to tell him that he looks like a chauffeur from a Zoolander-themed limousine company that just drove through a wind tunnel in a convertible. This mess is more than freshly fucked hair. This is freshly fucked, fried, fluffed and fried again hair. Sometimes that fart nose the hair gel tube make is its way of telling you to STOP!!!! | |
| I Take It Back. | Top |
| Remember yesterday how I said that the crazy bitch who spit up bat shit at Usher for parking in a handicap spot should smoke some a bowl out of a Valium bong while a kitten massages her ear with its purrs to calm her ass down? It's a good thing I kept a receipt for that comment, because I'm taking it back. Usher deserves to be covered with bat shit and beat with a dozen handicap parking placards for giving birth to the maple syrup-covered anti-Christ who is responsible for this dark-sided drummer boy fuckery (featuring Busta Rhymes). The drummer boy just stopped drumming and poked his ears out with his sticks. Jesus just put a call in to Maury, because if he can prove that God is not the father, then Christmas is canceled forever and this song can be erased from the planet to never be heard from again. Jesus, let me dial that number for you. Oh, and here's another one to bang your head against a wall to. Mimi, you'll never be forgiven for this. | |
| "I Am Shit-Ra, Princess Of Herpes!" | Top |
Putting the whore in Whore-O-Ween, Wonky McValtrex showed up to some stupid party in L.A. last night dressed in costume as one of my childhood heroes, She-Ra. Seeing this useless piece of dried pussy vomit as the most beautiful and strongest goddess in Eternia should make me punch out my eye until it's as wonky as hers, but it doesn't. That cheap ass costume looks like it cost about $2.99, which is $2.98 more than that gutter-snatched dildo is worth, and so most hos probably didn't even see She-Ra in this at all. Bitch looks more like Alice the Goon working as a cocktail waitress at a Caesars Palace knock-off casino on the outskirts of Reno where the drinks are cheap and so are the handjobs behind the broken slot machine in the back. The fact that Wonky thinks she can pull off She-Ra is as funny as the fact that her purse probably cost $2,000 and looks like it was a budget special at Claire's. Everything that cheap whore touches turns to cheap. Breaking news. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Orty Kastaun, the 61-year-old German woman whose name is going down in the Guinness World Record books for having the world's largest collection of clowns and the woman whose name is going down in your personal record books for having the world's largest collection of NIGHTMARE MAKERS! Just in time for Halloween! Like some shit out of Hoarders: Horror Doll Edition, Orty's family of 2,000 terror toys of death became so large that she had to move to a bigger house. While some might see Orty's clowns as minions from the ninth circle who will unravel their yarn eyes to choke you out in the neck as they cackle from their tiny mouths, Orty says they are her family and they are helping her to stay sober. They scared that ho off that bottle! Yes, when the night is quiet, they softly whisper into her ear, "Stay away from the bottle, but reach for that butcher knife in the kitchen and KILL KILL KILL!" If clowns are the secret to sobriety, then make it a damn double. Better yet, pour me a shot from that bottle of the sweet nectar you're clenching like if you let it go a clown is going to replace it. via The Daily What | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Winona Ryder (40) | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Quick Programming Note: This might be my last post of the day (I know, I'll scream "LAZY WHORE!" at the mirror fifteen times today), because I'm going away for the weekend. I'll be posting a tiny bit during the weekend and Monday will be a half Halloween day for my ass. And no "going away for the weekend" is not code for "going to weekend jail because I broke the restraining order Anderson Cooper has against me," but thanks for asking. (Okay, it totally is.) Now on to links! Heidi Klum, please stop with the trick or treat games and immediately give Slim Goodbody his suit back - The Berry When I look at Jessica Biel's shoulders all I see is cribskirt genocide - Lainey Gossip Coming in 2012: Wedding Crashers II starring Courtney Love - Celebitchy Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a police uniform. That is all. - The Superficial Seeing Darren Criss yodel out Last Friday Night just completely drained my "tolerance for cheeriness" tank - Towleroad The Pillsbury Doughboy just found himself a weekend full of fapping material - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Elisha Cuthbert as Marilyn Monroe - Hollywood Tuna Shia LaDouche graduates from Tool Academy with honors - Popsugar My abuelita works that sweater with more swagger than Rupert Everett ever could. Truth. - ICYDK Somebody Heimlich that cat! Bitch obviously swallowed a dog! - OMG Blog This is a direct threat to Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis - Popoholic If you take away the "Billboard" logo and Justin Bieber's name this really would look like a club flyer for a holiday-themed all 80s lesbian night - Just Jared Game over. This wins Halloween. - The Daily What "Calm down, everyone! This isn't what it looks like and I know it looks like I'm wearing the remains of a peacock after it got shredded in a lawn mower." - Hollywood Rag My final guess is....Tommy Girl - Cityrag Hep pus and pickle juice in a bottle - Celebslam Alert the aviary, one of their tweaked out flamingos got loose - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest for October 28th! | Top |
(Thanks Ines) | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Our Lady Of Cheetos | Top |
Plumped-up camel toe, possum belly and costumes that should be burned in a shopping cart barbecue all made several appearances during Brit Brit's show in London last night and she once again cemented her title as the Shields & Yarnell of pop by miming the shit out of all her songs (click here to read the Daily Mail's hilariously cunty review). You can burn calories on hating all you want, but deep down you know you wished your torso looked like a blobfish smiling through a much-needed fart. | |
| Usher Parks In A Handicap Spot, Crazed Chaos Ensues | Top |
Usher must not have been told that having an overgrown ego that cripples your sense of reason is not considered by the government as an official handicap, because he parked in a spot he wasn't supposed to and it triggered a one-woman shit storm of insanity. TMZ says that minutes after Usher drove his SUV into one of the handicap spots of a parking lot in Atlanta, a bitch went full crazy on his ass by spraying him in the face with a beer as he sat in the driver's seat. Usher sprayed her back with water, which caused her to start kicking at his SUV. Usher then got out of the car and the mop-headed lunatic went after him while shouting "You don't belong here!" (Insert obligatory YOU MAD.jpg here.) Shit got so real that Fat Elvis had to eat himself up through the grave and take a bus to Atlanta to tame this bruhaha. Watch and weep:
Justin Bieber was born in Usher's uterus, so that asshole motherfucker deserves all the whoops he gets, but even I think that crazy in the long-form Dorothy Hamill wig should've dialed back the insanity a bit. We're only allotted a certain number of public nervous breakdowns before the courts drop a CODE 5150 on our heads and this was not worth it. Bitch went crazy like that gold digging Tameka when Usher suggested they should use a condom so she won't get knocked up with an ATM baby! The reasonable thing to do would've been to call a tow truck, slash his tires, fart on his door handle and then write "I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR JUSTIN BIEBER" on his windshield in red paint. That's how a reasonable person handles shit. And can somebody let this lady know that Omar Sharif would like a picture with her. You can tell her not to mind the line, Omar likes cutters. While you're doing that, I'll start writing Omar's obit. | |
| Lourdes Speaks! | Top |
| This video about something you will never care about is War & Peace long and further confirms Madge as the most underrated thespian since Howard the Duck, but it must be seen since this is the first time I've ever heard Lourdes' voice! I was not expecting Lourdes to make that sound, but then again I'm not even sure what sound I was expecting. Maybe a high-pitched fake British squeak followed by the words, "HELP! HELP! That Kabbalah bruja's got a boy toy graveyard in our basement! HELP! HELP!" This mess of a video is very educational, because we learned that Lourdes did not inherit her mother's completely natural British tongue and she also did not inherit her mother's inability to even play herself on camera. Luckily for Lourdes, the "talk like a pretentious cuntwaffle" gene and the "can't act worth shit" gene skipped a generation. Speaking of children of celebrities speaking for the first time, when is Apple going to get it together and finally make Suri Cruise the voice, face and EVERYTHING of Siri? Unless.... Suri IS Siri and she's collecting all of our drunk questions to use against us when Xenu lands on Earth and we're forced to choose sides. Excuse me while I retrieve my blown mind from across the room. via ONTD | |
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