The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Demi Moore Is Getting Herself Some Of This
- All I Want For Christmas Is For The Grinch To Eat This Shit
- But More Importantly, El DeBarge Got A Grammy Nomination!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 30th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Kris Calls Kim A Fraud, Kim Calls Kris Gay
- It's Daniel Day-Lewis As Abraham Lincoln!
- Courtney Stodden Is Bringing Back Classy Old Hollywood
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Demi Moore Is Getting Herself Some Of This | Top |
AssStain Kutcher is barebacking his way through the cream of Iowa's whore crop, but Demi Moore is the one who's winning the rebound game by getting glitter bombed every single night. What you're looking at is not only what you get when you morph Donny Osmond, Eric McMormick and Sal from Mad Men together. This is also the gaydar-breaking beauty who is leaving a thin layer of juicy fruit nectar on Demi's lips when he blows her an air kiss after each date. Radar is trying to say that Demi has been dating beauty mogul (FYI: beauty moguls don't only exist in soap operas and late-80s movies) Scott-Vincent Borba for about a week now. So when Demi tells her friends that Scott gave her a hot facial last night, she really means that he scrubbed her dead skin off with honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt. (Although, I wouldn't be surprised if Scott-Vincent cums honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt.) Radar's source had this to say about Demi's new "romance": "Demi and Scott-Vincent started dating last week. They have known each other a long time and he's really been there for her by her side through the whole Ashton thing. It's easy for Scott-Vincent to keep his relationships a secret because he's so often photographed hanging out with celebrity clientele. But he's head over heels for Demi and there's definitely potential for a lasting relationship between them." Getting with an immaculately groomed gaydonis whose sugar walls are sweeter than theirs didn't work for Star Jones and Liza Minnelli, but that doesn't mean it can't work for Demi. I've always believed that somewhere over the rainbow, a cougar's true soulmate awaits. I, for one, am dripping with jealousy. Scott-Vincent's eyebrows are so exquisitely beautiful that it's a shame they don't wiggle around like a tongue, because it would be nice to get some reciprocation when you make out with them. Not only that, but Demi gets to slip into a warm dream fantasy after Scott-Vincent serenades her with this at bedtime: In case you haven't already figured it out, that tingly sensation you're feeling down below is just your b-hole winking at this video. | |
| All I Want For Christmas Is For The Grinch To Eat This Shit | Top |
| In 1994, two things happened: Mimi released the Christmas song that will be played in every single store from October to January for centuries to come, and a surrogate Canadian beaver gave birth to Usher's daughter. Cut to 17 years later, those two things have come together to turn your eardrums into wet coal. The rotten eggnog of a video for Justin Bieber and Mimi's remix of "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is pretty much just a shameless commercial for Macy's and a public service announcement for why trying to hit high notes while going through puberty is not a good idea. I can practically hear Justin's balls drop and pop up again with each note and that's not right. That's not Christmas. Never mind that Mimi's spreading some HO HO HO shit on the fake stone wall that your elementary school used in every holiday pageant, why does Justin look like the mom from Webster (or like a live mannequin in Talbots' window)? The only thing that saves this shit is the PUPPY!!! at the end who temporarily distracts you from the bleak scene Mimi and The Lesbeaver are giving us. That end scene looks like a final days Mae West picking up boys at the local junior high school. WHY, MIMI, WHY? (answer: $$$) via Vulture | |
| But More Importantly, El DeBarge Got A Grammy Nomination! | Top |
Kanye West's CAPS LOCK key has scurried down into his MacBook Air fearing the rantpocolypse he will unleash over not being nominated for Album of the Year, but the 80s ho in me has grown a thinstache of happiness over El DeBarge finally getting the recognition he deserves! If it was up to only me, the Grammys next year would have a 1986 theme and every award would go to El, but I guess him getting one nomination this year is better than nothing. El DeBarge's mommy Prince (you cannot convince that Prince didn't butt birth El DeBarge under a cherry moon) must be so proud. So, the Grammy nominations were announced last night during a completely pointless concert (see pictures from that mess blow including one of Lady CaCa as an electrocuted Taylor Momsen) and Kanye got the most with 7 (but no Album or Record of the Year) and Adele came in second with 6. You know, I don't even know why they're bothering with a Grammy ceremony. Just back up Adele's pick-up truck into the loading dock, toss every single trophy in there and shove a solid gold pacifier into Kanye's rant hole so he doesn't hijack the truck before she drives away. Really, it's the fucking Adeleys this year. If you want to read all of the nominations, take the rest of the day and shoot meth directly into your eyeball veins, because it's going to take you at least 35 hours to get through all 500,000 categories. Here's just a few of them (HAHA at Taylor Swift). Album Of The Year: Record Of The Year: Best New Artist: Song Of The Year: Best Pop Solo Performance Best Pop Duo/Group Performance: Best Dance Recording: Best Rock Performance: Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance: Best Rock Album: Best Alternative Music Album: Best Traditional R&B Performance: Best R&B Album: Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Best Rap Performance: Best Country Solo Performance: Best Country Song: Best Comedy Album: | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For November 30th! | Top |
What energy crisis? If we put one of these in front of K-Fed on a treadmill he could easily out power the Sun. - cs182 Runners-up: Looks like Jessica Simpson just gave birth. - Sandbitch Beyoncé's so smart! if you're going for a fake baby bump, might as well be able to eat it for Christmas, dammit. - Emeriesan via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| It's been way too long since we've had a two-legged pig from China as a Hot Slut, so without further adieu, here's another two-legged pig from China who puts Babe and all those other basic pigs to shame. It's the Heather Mills of pigs (I know, that's redundant) but with more talent! Hopefully, his impressive Porque du Soleil hamstand will hypnotize the villagers into forgetting to turn him into delicious bacon. (And now I want bacon. I'm the problem.) via Arbroath | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Sarah Silverman (41) | |
| Kris Calls Kim A Fraud, Kim Calls Kris Gay | Top |
Pimp Mama Kris has gone too far this time in her campaign to paint Kris Humphries as an evil monstrous cunt oaf who stomped all over Kim's fairytale dreams. This cover of Star Magazine, obviously curated by Kris Jenner, is offensive, wrong, inhumane, illegal, goes against everything I believe in and should be reported to the proper authorities. I mean, when I saw this mess of a cover the first thing that came to my mind was that Dynasty storyline about Steve Carrington coming out of the closet after marrying Sammy Jo. The Kardashians and the Church of Dynasty are not supposed to touch in my head. That's like Lucifer walking hand-in-hand with Jesus. That's like serving me a plate of dog shit and Velveeta Shells & Cheese (aka the caviar of processed cheese meals). Pimp Mama Kris' suite in hell better be downgraded to an economy room for this. Too low, too low. Anyway, sources tell Star that Kim thinks that Kris might love dick, because after they got married he didn't want to fuck her and only wanted to watch sports. Kim might have a point, because I don't know many straight dudes who can calmly sit in front of a TV all day watching a bunch athletes who have pissed on and fucked his wife several times. Moving on.... TMZ reports Kris is fighting back against the four-headed Kuntrashian monster by filing to annul his ten-second marriage to Kim on the grounds that she defrauded him into playing her fake groom. Kris believes that Kim only married him for the advertising money and attention while he did it for love. Kris wants Kim to pay his lawyer's fees. But wait. A source close to Kim (read: KRIS JENNER) says the marriage was also real to her and she only filed for divorce, because she was told she can only annul a marriage if there's proof of impotency, incest, bigamy, unsound mind, force or fraud. I realize that Kris is a neanderthal who was recently discovered frozen in a block of ice and then was brought back to the living by scientists, but is he really that slow in the brains? Accusing Kim Kardashian of being a fraud is like accusing me of being a dumb slut. We already know. If you Google "Kim Kardashian is a fraud" it takes you to DUH.com. Kris was obviously in on the sham marriage and he's totally in on the sham divorce. Kris is a fraud. Kim is a fraud. They're all frauds and they've obviously ruined our beliefs in true love and the realness of reality TV. Let's all sue them for fraud. Call Gloria Allred! | |
| It's Daniel Day-Lewis As Abraham Lincoln! | Top |
Twitter user @UVAMichael strolled into a restaurant in Richmond, VA today and caught a gift in the form of Daniel Day-Lewis in Shape-Ups, Steve Jobs' wardrobe and an Abe Lincoln face. DDL is in Richmond shooting Steven Spielberg's Lincoln biopic with Sally Field, Tommy Lee Jones, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jackie Earle Haley and a bunch of other greedy hos with three names. He looks just like the animatronic Abe Lincoln at Disneyland, so I say he nailed it. But don't give DDL that OSCAH just yet. Why isn't he dressed in old timey clothes and eating beans cooked in a tin pot over a fire pit? What the hell kind of GD method acting is this? This better be DDL's one cheat day and then it's back to the log cabin. And because you history buffs want to know, yes, yes, I would. You know, I was about to seriously type that I'll dress up as the cherry tree and he can hit me several times with his crotch ax, but then I remembered that wasn't Abraham Lincoln. It was Benjamin Franklin or Bill Clinton or Thomas Edison or Uncle Ben or Kevin Kline or Ross Perot or one of those other presidents. via Coming Soon | |
| Courtney Stodden Is Bringing Back Classy Old Hollywood | Top |
| Haven't you always thought that the likes of Ava Gardner, Veronica Lake, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Lamour and Jean Harlow would be a lot more "classier" and "Old Hollywood-ier" if they teased their hair into an AquaNet nest, painted their titty balls a beautiful shade of Tang sludge, wore every Wet 'N Wild product available on their face, wore an arm band that can double as a curtain holdback and carried a Fraggle Rock dog? You have, right? Well, so has the porn iguana that is Courtney Stodden. Courtney tells The Fab Life that she's bringing back classy old Hollywood and stuff like that. Thank EVERYTHING for this. The Seven Year Itch, The Sun Also Rises and The Blue Dahlia are such tacky pieces of trash and they can finally be remade with the kind of understated elegance that only Courtney Stodden can provide. I mean, classic seduction IS contorting your face like a dilophosaurus on the attack. OLD HOLLYWOOD: Courtney Stodden is finally doing it right. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
There's a very good reason for why Tommy Girl's face has a gigantic rainbow smile on it. It's because he's in Japan! Guess who's the tallest princess in the room now, bitches? - Lainey Gossip Tramp stamp. - The Superficial Kellan LULz goes from a roided-up Chinese Crested to kind of hot - Towleroad Crackhead leading the crackhead - Celebitchy Jessica Rabbit has fallen on hard times - Hollywood Tuna Photoshop abuse + Whitney Port trying to model = NO - The Berry If Michelangelo was alive today, he'd call these pictures of JLo and her leased piece, "Abuelita y Nino" - Popsugar Uma Thurman's chichis went out last night - Hollywood Rag I just want to serve afternoon tea and scones on Kate Beckinsale - Popoholic FOX NEWS: Ruining lives one useless expose at a time - The Daily What Sinus infection is the new deviated septum - ICYDK Pippa Middleton's ass for the zero of you that have missed it - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather If Barbara Walters wants this list to make sense, she should change the name to the Least Fascinating People of 2011 - Just Jared Don't fret, Afrojack, Valtrex has just sent you a Welcome to the Club basket - Celebslam Maria Shriver gets the Larry King - I'm Not Obsessed Oh, don't mind Amanda Seyfried, she's just trying to push out that doody bubble - Cityrag Deal with it, etc... - Videogum | |
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