The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Simon Cowell's Succulent Fur Tit Pies Wish You A Very Merry Christmas
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- And Several Mid-To-Late 30-Something Women Just Creamed Their Hanes Her Ways
- That's Some Hair.
- Mel Gibson's Wife Is Now Way Rich
- Demi Lovato Twitter Slaps Disney In The Mouth
- "The Only Way Is Hyuk, Hyuk, Hyuk"
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Faye Dunaway - Yea, yea, Network, Chinatown and The Great Gatsby are all fine, but everybody knows Faye's greatest works are Dunston Checks In, The Temp, Supergirl and her judging spot on The Starlet. Remember that shit, where Faye and Vivica Fox judged a bunch of wanna be actresses for a role on One Tree Hill? The girl that won ended up working at the American Girl cafe, last I heard. Anyway, Faye is known for being a grade A bitch! She left this voicemail to some guy a few years ago, because she was pissed at a reporter for just wanting to speak the truth and talk about what | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jared Leto (40) | |
| Simon Cowell's Succulent Fur Tit Pies Wish You A Very Merry Christmas | Top |
You hiding out in the back of your closet while eating ham wrapped around broken pieces of candy cane to keep the dealing-with-your-family-induced drunk barfs down is a holiday tradition and so is me posting pictures of Simon Cowell's luscious German Shepherd tits. Every Christmas, Ryan Gaycrest's main homegirl goes over to Barbados to feed the stray island dogs with the 100% whole leche that shoots out of his nipples holes when he flexes his dough ball chichis. Don't you just want to get naked and roll all around Simon's fluffy rug breasts, or do whatever the hell you do on a bearskin rug? I was about to say, don't you want you to titty fuck Simon, but how are you going to explain those rug burns on your genitals to your free clinic technician? It really wouldn't be the holidays without a visit from Simon's double calzones of furry fun. And with that, I wish all of your asses a Merry Christmas. Or as they say in Italy, Buon Natale! Or as I say when I butcher that shit, Bone Natalie! | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Nestor, The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey! Those stop motion animations from the 1970s are pretty much my personal bible when it comes to all things Christmas, so to me Nestor is the reason why celebrate Christmas in the first place! If it wasn't for Nestor's Tommy Lee condom-sized ears, there would be no Nestor. If there was no Nestor, then there would be no Tilly the Angel who looks like an inbred Ashlee Simpson impersonator. If there was no Tilly, then there would be no an angel to tell a bitch to use his long dong ears to hear the sounds that will guide him on a path that's straight and true. If there wasn't a bitch who used his long dong ears to hear the sounds that will guide on a path that's straight and true, then Mary's knocked up ass would've never gotten to Bethlehem. If Mary's knocked up ass never got to Bethlehem, then Jesus would've been born in the middle of absolutely nowhere. If Jesus would've been born in the middle of absolutely nowhere, then we probably wouldn't celebrate his birfday by buying each other Starbucks gift cards and getting so fucked up drunk that the bottom of the Christmas tree seems like a perfectly comfortable place to take a damn nap. So we should thank Nestor for EVERYTHING! Do a shot of something mind altering out of an extra-long lady condom in Nestor's honor and then sing this song: Merry Christmas to one slut and to all sluts! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
| Annie Lennox (57) | |
| And Several Mid-To-Late 30-Something Women Just Creamed Their Hanes Her Ways | Top |
I don't know about you, but if I was a junior high school girl circa 1987, I would be experiencing my first downtown moistening after seeing these pics of New Jersey's finest - Jon Bon Jovi - showing off the bod. Can you tell I've had an entire bottle of champagne, two White Russians, and three shots of Bailey's in CHOCOLATE CUPS YOU CAN EAT? It's like a fat drunk's greatest fantasy - a shot of booze YOU JUST STUFF IN YOUR MAW. And to the commentator who snarked that Boston can't be a drinking city because we don't have a legal happy hour - think again, chief. We work around that shit. Jon is shooting us down in a blaze of glory by showing off his middle-aged millionaire bod on the beach at St. Bart's. Rich people have a lot of time on their hands. So much time that photographing kelp is a cherished pastime. Seriously, all Jon Bon has to do is tour every five years and shit out an album with a passable adult contemporary single and money falls on his face. That's a hot job. | |
| That's Some Hair. | Top |
I totally thought he was a fagatron. Note - I like big, fat, hairy man ass and am myself a "fagatron". That's right, I'm taking back the word "fagatron" for the gay community and making it's power work for us! Oh, dear. Just like Michael K. signed off to me with a "love you long time" in an e-mail this morning, and I was like - wow - half-Asian people can do that without sounding racist. If I did that, I would sound like Dick #1 or a villain from a Dick Tracy cartoon. Here's some pics of Penn Badgley's "Muppet-looking ass" (TM - Michael K. in the aforementioned e-mail) with the object of Jodie Foster's Captain Save-A-Ho dyke vigilantism from The Brave One. They're hanging out in Miami. That movie rocks. As she kills more people, she looks more lesbian. It was the role she was born to Good for Penn for eschewing the product to let it all air out on the beach. Truth be told, this shit happens to me too. If I don't risk cancer by putting so much shit in my hair that patches of my scalp burn and insects are caught and drown in the mess, I have 80s puffy helmet hair. It doesn't grow long, IT EXPANDS. Like the end of a TAMPON. It's humiliating. I support the fagotron. Zoe Kraviz is going to lose shit in that, though. You know, besides her dignity for bearding for the guy who's fucking Marcia Cross' Desperate Housewives son. She isn't surreptitiously bouncing on his dick under the water like some of you dirty bitches think. They're both tinkling at the same time like giddy girlfriends and giggling over it. Shit, that hair is gonna topple him. She is way too petite to be able to lift him up if that happens. They're gonna have to call a cabana boy and then Penn's gonna wanna suck him off. Awkward. | |
| Mel Gibson's Wife Is Now Way Rich | Top |
And she deserves every cent she ripped out of those sugartits. The divorce papers between jacuzzi suckjob enthusiast/psychotic racist Mel Gibson and wife Robyn Gibson (well, she now goes by Robyn "I Got Mine" Moore) have been signed, sealed, and delivered. Ladies - you can stick around while he starts his own Jews Killed Jesus church. You can stick around while he insists on knowing if the cops pulling him over for drunk-drivin' spin a dreidel during the holidays and refers to them by their swingers club code names. And you can stick around when he makes shitshows like this. But once he knocks up a slightly more refined, orchestral version of Octomom and then gets his completely crackers rants at her recorded and played all over the world (and then reportedly knocks up TWO OTHER WOMEN) - shit's over. Turn the jets off, pull the tarp over that particular hot tub, and go shopping, sweetie. TMZ says that the Gibsons net worth is a little less than 900 million. And there wasn't a prenup. They didn't friggin' have friggin' prenups in 1970s Australia (cue a soft chuckle from Ms. Moore)! Have you seen The Road Warrior? They probably got married on a surfboard and cracked cans of Fosters over each other's foreheads instead of exchanging rings. Shit was rugged. The Gibson are said to have negotiated the money biz for over a year. And bitch got HALF. If you need Robyn, she will be building a Jewish homosexual disco next to Mel's church that's made out of rubies and champagne flutes, and flashing her new pussy tattoo ("$425,000,000!") at him from off the balcony. Think of how many of those weird Queen Victoria collection-plaid flower collar- "we're not fucking tonight" hell dresses and 1990's Susan Powter-butch bitch cuts you could afford with that take! | |
| Demi Lovato Twitter Slaps Disney In The Mouth | Top |
Once you've been in the rehab, you figure you've been through enough shit that you can kick your boss in the nuts. Oh No They Didn't is featuring some Tweets (wait, it's DListed - I'm supposed to call them "Twats" right?) that Demi stuffed up Walt Disneys corpse's ass over their treatment of anorexia. Demi Lovato was home (not doing cocaine, fucking for an audience on bunkbeds, or snapping and attacking her ex's new chick) and happened to be watching something called Shake It Up on her home network. A character made an ano joke and Demi took her 13th step - putting the company that made her on blast: Dear Disney Channel EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT SOMETHING TO JOKE ABOUT She Twatted a few more times, mentioning that Disney lost an actress to an eating disorder and noting that she misses the days of fat asses like Raven Symone and Hilary Duff breaking your child's TV with their girth. Hey, she called them fat - I didn't. See what she did there? Sly bitches like Demi can stick up for anorexia sufferers WHILE throwing shade at the competition. We now know who's running things over in Orlando, cuz' Disney immediately crawled over to Demi's Twitter feed, removed their dick, and announced they had pulled the episode in question: @ddlovato, Demi we hear you & are pulling both episodes as quickly as possible & reevaluating them [ed. note - "reevaluating" = "killing the writers and actress responsible and burning the set down"] @ddlovato - It's NEVER our intention to make fun of eating disorders! Not like that Spike network with their Hot Snatch In Bikinis Puking Up Dinner show. So now we know who runs Disney. Can Demi do something about the couples who get married and then walk around the park in those fucking mouse ears bridal veils and top hats? We get it, you got married with Mickey. Two assholes blocked my view of the Hall of Presidents show last time with those sad things. Yes, I've seen the show before, but I like when one of the robots malfunctions and starts seizing like his vibrating butt plug just went into turbo. Check out the actual Tweets and more pics of Demi on stage in Puerto Rico in the gallery. | |
| "The Only Way Is Hyuk, Hyuk, Hyuk" | Top |
Hiya! I'm J. Harvey. I used to write for Socialite Life (then I got fired) and then I wrote for Celebitchy for two whole days (and then I got fired from there, too), and now I blog about guys fucking over on Manhunt Daily. It's not as seedy as it sounds (yes, it is). You're figuring out that Michael K. wanted to get to Italy stat so he could get fucked up on vino and suck off a gondolier so he just picked some mullet off the blogging street, aren't you? Poor Sweetas. I have horrible grammar, and my run-on sentences are legendary. Fuck grammar! I refused to be chained by your grammar ways. Oh, and I heard the last guest blogger had an epic meltdown and is currently sporting a self-hug coat and recuperating in a rubber room somewhere due to you fiery cunts in the comments. It's ok if you hate me. I'm drunk right now and can't feel anything. I can't feel anything anyways because I'm dead inside. And drunk. Seriously, you can sneak nips into Starbucks here in Boston. We're a drinking city. Hopefully while he was on his layover in London, Michael K. spotted this white carnation out on the street and gave her the hug she needs. A girl who will let someone do that to a body part is actually looking to fill the hole in her heart with love, and settled for innnertubes in her face lips. I know why she did that to her pucker, though. It's that overbite. Edward Norton's character in American History X would find curbing her too easy with those choppers. She figured she coud hide em' with the lip job. And then distract us with BOOBS. Those lips! They look like Michael K's asshole after Fleet Week! This is British reality television gal Lauren Pope out on the town with some co-tarts in London last night. She's following up her tasteful debut in THIS dress. Let's choose to believe that some The Only Way Is Essex hater slapped her gently with a brick, or put some embalming fluid in her Grape Crush shot. Cuz', DAMN over the "cartoon hillbilly" expression. What drink is that? Pink Umbrella Homeless Dude flanking you is wondering. Note - FUCK! My very first DListed post and I gave the bitch the wrong name! Ugh, already revealed as a FUCK-UP. The Only Way Is Drunk-Blogging. This unfortunate creature is actually named Chloe Sims. I bet she still borrowed that dress from her friend, though. They share it. It's ventilated and easy access. | |
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