The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Programming Note: Guest Bloggers & Holiday Crap
- Open Post: Hosted By Frosty's Biggest Hater
- The Photoshop Awards: Madge's Truth Or Dare Perfume Ad
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- The Best Advice Jennifer Aniston Didn't Take (Or Did She?)
- JWoww's Bikini Line Is A Thing Of Sophistication
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 22nd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
It's a double Christmas miracle! Mimi doesn't have a Hello Kitty toe and she's walking without the help handlers! Tiny Tim ain't got shit on Mimi. - Lainey Gossip Gabrielle Union's in a bikini and you're not. Although, I doubt your ass would really wear a pumpkin ass bikini anyway... - Hollywood Tuna I think I see the faint print of Hilary Duff's baby's chipmunk teeth pressing up against her belly - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather I think I see the faint print of Hilary Duff's baby's middle finger pressing up against her belly - SOW (Some) Panty Creamers of the Day - The Berry The malnourished Falcor is still the epitome of dickmatized - Celebitchy A Clockwork Whoreange - Just Jared Pink is a PUPPY!!! saver - ICYDK I guess a piece of wet cardboard was not available so DKNY got Ashley Greene instead - Popoholic Leonardo DiCatchAHo's like, "Shit, whatshername again... Blake... Bar... Why didn't I write this on my hand?!" - Popsugar The Trololo Guy lives! - The Daily What Guess the nalgas? - Cityrag That Christmas shit on his head is probably the answer to: Why does Christmas dog hate Christmas? - Videogum If I popped a genital pimple and put a drop of the pus under a microscope, this is what I'd see - I'm Not Obsessed The Slut Dress' second cousin twice removed found a home on Katie Price's legs - Hollywood Rag When Louis C.K. talks big dick, he talks big dick - OMG Blog | |
| Programming Note: Guest Bloggers & Holiday Crap | Top |
| The Christmas angels in Chicago have given the Internet a holiday miracle this year and that miracle is called Jan Terri's comeback! YAASSS! When you first walk through the broken gates of the Internet, you immediately see a welcome sign with Jan Terri's "Losing You" video on it. Jan Terri is the soundtrack of our Internet lives. And after years of praying for her return, she is back with the perfect holiday song for you to sing to yourself while you're three Lohans to the wind and locked in the bathroom to get away from your family. I'll hum this song while cutting into a piece of holiday tiramisu at an Olive Garden in Rome. They have Olive Garden in Italy, right? This year, my family decided to skip the giving presents shit and instead we're really getting neck deep into the holiday spirit by torturing and annoying each other while traveling all around Italy for a week. I've already come up with a drinking game. Every time my sister asks if they have any gluten-free pasta, I'll shoot myself. No, she's not going to ask that, because she's bringing her own (no joke). Anyway, I will still blog something every day, but while I'm seeing all the beautiful sights of Italy (examples: the alley way where Snooki passed out, the STD clinic built in The Situation's name) seasoned Dlisted guest blogger Sweetas and J. Harvey, formerly of Socialite Life and currently of Manhunt Daily, will be filling in the fuckery for me. Sweetas will continue to write all the Charlize Theron fanfic you need and J. Harvey will fill the quota for b-hole jokes. Also, my friend Lahoma will be covering most of the Hot Sluts. Lahoma used to write for Dlisted back in the olden days when I was on Blogspot and he's the one who came up with Hot Slut of the Day, so he's the perfect piece of trash for the job. Dlisted will return to its normally scheduled foolery on January 3rd. And now I have to go and practice how to say "Oh no, officer, that's just American oregano for my allergies..." in Italian. Merry Rojo Calientemas! (Jan Terri's Return via TGBHH) | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Frosty's Biggest Hater | Top |
| This chick right here shits out of her vag and pisses out of her ass whenever she sees a grown person dressed in a snowman costume and I can sort of understand. That snowman does look like he lives in a white van parked in a cul-de-sac and has a nose made out of the femur bone from one of his victims. I would cry right next to her, but I'm too busy getting a serious fever from the dude who looks like a methed-out Bob Newhart in Fabio drag. This video taught me that I might have snowmanaphobia and I definitely have a fetish for Bob Newhart in Fabio drag. (Thanks, Ken!) | |
| The Photoshop Awards: Madge's Truth Or Dare Perfume Ad | Top |
Because the high-pitched fear screams from her boy toy lying in the crib cage next to her bed keeps her up at night, the only way Madge can slip into a sleep coma is if she rests her head on a silk pillow case with a picture of what she loves most on it: HERSELF! That must have been the inspiration for her perfume ad, because bitch looks like she's taking a nap on herself. (Or maybe my eyes are telling me that it looks like she's yanking her own pussy skin. I don't know.) The picture for this mess of an ad was taken from a spread she did for Interview Magazine last year, but Photoshop still bled to touch it up. Aren't there anti-Photoshop laws now? Shouldn't this ad look more like this: You know, like her Super Bowl ad. Since Madge named her stank water after Truth or Dare, she could've at least used the best part from that movie in her ad: via E! Online | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
Not much to say here except that this B list actor from a popular franchise apparently has a fascination with Tijuana Donkey shows. He's obsessed…. (BuzzFoto) NOT THE DONKEYS! The "obsessed" part makes me think this is the former keeper of the unicorns (he's moved on to donkeys) RPattz? Well, I guess if you're contractually obligated to hump on Kristen Stewart.... It's coming down to the wire, folks! Just a few weeks to go. There's one problem, though. She was looking too thin to be convincing. Thankfully, she found a solution that doesn't include eating a single bowl of ice cream. It's called Prednisone. Taking excessive amounts of corticosteroids over time can result in some serious effects, including hypertension and cataracts. Another side effect is gaining weight, especially in the face and neck and abdomen. She knew this because it happened to her before. Last time it was accidental and was upsetting for her. Now, though, it's purposeful, and is a solution to her problem. She started taking Prednisone a couple of months ago, so she should be plumping up pretty soon. Fat face and neck coming right up! She not worried, though, because she's been told that the weight will drop quickly once she tapers down below 10 mg a day. Followed, of course, by claims of how hard she worked to take off the weight. (Blind Gossip) Beyonce? Of course. And when can we expect to get a Lifetime original movie based on all these blind items about Beyonce's supposed fraudulent pregnancy? Basement Baby can play Beyonce and Orlando Jones can play Basement Baby. Which famed cougar actually swings both ways and once stripped in front of a female journalist as an obvious come-on? (Village Voice) Demi Moore? Which Oscar nominee seriously claims that legendary director raped her to get a better performance out of her? (Village Voice) What in METHOD Hell? Okay, who's worked with Roman Polanski? | |
| The Best Advice Jennifer Aniston Didn't Take (Or Did She?) | Top |
The late Sue Mengers was a major agent in Hollywood who once represented Barbra Streisand and in her later years she threw all kinds of fancy as fuck parties where she made friends with famous hos like Jennifer Aniston. In a profile on Sue for The New York Times, Maureen Dowd writes that even Sue didn't want Jennifer to be Forever Aloneistone. When Brad dropped Jen off in MiserableVille (Population: Aniston) to enlist in St. Angie's holy army, Sue gave her a drop of advice: But she had a soft, warm side; she was a yenta who loved fixing people up, in work and in love. If a match struck, she would urge the woman, "We have to close the deal." After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm. You know shit is dire when someone you aren't related to is concerned that you're going to become a dusty, crazy old spinster who doesn't think it's weird that her bedside tables are made out of the skeletons of her dead cats. Sue did give Jen good advice, though. Jen should've taken it and then took that shit ten steps further. Jen should've fertilized one of her own eggs with Brad's stoner jizz. Then Jen should've yelled "MARRIED A-LIST MOVIE STAR 12 O'CLOCK!" at Angie Jolie to make that trick instinctively spread her legs. That would've been Jen's cue to shoot that fertilized egg into Angie's cooch with a straw. And nine months later, Angie would've given birth to Jen and Brad's baby! Jen could've named that kid: SWEET REVENGE!!!!!! (exclamations included). Oh, Jen, you should've done it. Jen missed an opportunity to put her mouth to Angie's ear and whisper: "Guess who's baby just came out of your twat? Mine, bitch!" And yes, I've been watching old Days of Our Lives episodes again. via Vulture | |
| JWoww's Bikini Line Is A Thing Of Sophistication | Top |
JWoww, the Audrey Hepburn of the Jersey Shore whores, is known as being a pristine pearl that fell out of an an empty bottle of Thunderbird at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean many years ago and her new bikini line completely reflects that. Aren't you staring at the triangle pasties hugging onto JWoww's dried concrete titty balls and thinking to yourself that you too want to look like you've got suction cup nipples? No, you don't? Well, that's because you obviously don't have an eye for the elegant things in life. JWoww's Perfect Tan Bikini Line uses an "innovative" silicone based adhesive that sticks to your silicone based titties and allows you to freely lay under the cancer beams without worrying about tan lines. Yes, when you rip that shit off, it'll also rip off any feeling you had left in your nipples. But if you're like JWoww, then you don't have any feeling in your nipples anyway. And I'm sure JWoww bought this "innovative" sticky technology from a dude named Lizard in the parking lot of an abandoned strip club on Staten Island, so it will most likely seep into your pores and cause your nipples to foam at the mouth, but that's a small price to pay to look this exquisite. And I don't know if they broke every computer from Photoshopping the shit out of JWoww, or if she just naturally looks an extra in a CGI porn. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For December 22nd! | Top |
Since this is the last CAPTION THIS Contest of the year, the grand prize winner gets a dazzling prize package worth -$50! That's because the prize is one of my old Dlisted t-shirts that's covered in some shit that'll make any germ light commit suicide and it will cost you $50 to either have it cleaned at a Hazmat-approved laundry facility or to pay a Shaman to rid your house of the stank juju that shirt brings. No, I'll send your ass a gift card to iTunes, Amazon or anywhere else you want. Just don't choose the Treasure Chest, because my money's not good there due to an incident I don't want to talk about this close to Jesus' birfdays. Anyway, congrats to OurMissC for winning the last one! Damn Scientology Christmas cards! I can't tell if they are hot dogs and that's Kirstie, or if they're peens and it's Travolta. - OurMissC Here's the runners-up who each won $12 in cash. And since I know your asses would use that $12 to buy me a DRANK, I'll buy myself three dranks this weekend in your honor. Thank you! I drank to you! What really happens when you sing, "ladybug, ladybug, fly away home" three times while looking in the mirror. - Spaz de la Whoreta And thanks to everybody who entered a caption this year. Happy Hanawanzamas! | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| The piping hot mother of Lidia (of Lidia's Italy) who wants herself some lightly seasoned Stanley Tucci on a marinara sauce bath with a side of parmesan butter and a little bit of parsley to completely cleanse her palate before she nibbles on the Tucci meat. What ya wanna do? Oh, I know what ya wanna do, you horny ole' girl. Get it! via Four Four | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Susan Lucci (65) | |
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