Thursday, September 1, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Afternoon Crumbs Top
Get plenty of servings of the fattest mom's camel toe fupa while you can, because she's going on a diet! If you need Ronald McDonald, you'll find him being consoled by Birdie while in the fetal position - The Daily What The president and founder of the Anti-Plastic Face League looks the same to me - Lainey Gossip Oscar De La Hoya wants you to know that the fresh fierceness in fishnet was him after all - The Superficial Cindy Crawford is like Elisabetta Canalis o n female hormones, or is it Elisabetta Canalis is Cindy Crawford on male hormones? - Hollywood Tuna Rob Kardashian's nalgas: David Arquette likes 'em - Towleroad Kim Kardashian is getting a head start on pulling out those " knocked up with the latest sacrifice to Lucifer" rumors - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Why is Evan Rachel Wood wearing one of Lucille Ball's old ones? - Celebitchy FYI: Justin Timberlake is still a singer sometimes - Just Jared The awkward moment when you mistake Vanessa Hudgens for Halle Berry - Popoholic Prayer circle for Detective La Toya. I REPEAT: Prayer circle for Detective La Toya! - ICYDK Kate Bosworth in Blackbook - The Berry Puppy power - Cityrag DOLLY! - Hollywood Rag Kelly LeBrock proves that she's a refined lady of elegance with those fuzzy leopard dice - SOW And minutes before these pictures of Dane Cook and his piece were taken, they got matching Brazilians - Celebslam FYI: A baby head is coming out of Scary Spice right about now - I'm Not Obsessed The Eye of London gets splashed with holiness - Popsugar
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 1st! Top
via Evil Milk
 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top
Which Hollywood power couple is ready to pull the plug on their marriage? A hint: The union is only three years old — and produced a daughter. ( Blind Gossip ) Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley ? Yeah, they have about as much power as a solar-powered vibrator in Antarctica during the winter, but the only other options don't completely fit. MiserAlba & Cash Warren have 2 daughters. Mimi & Nick Cannon have one of each. Ellen Pompeo & Chris Ivery got married in 2007. So I'll stick with Heeeeeigl. If it's true, it's only a matter of time before she starts motorboating A-Rod and all of Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz's other leftovers. What celebrity who lost a bunch of weight supposedly off her diet program and never stops talking about it actually had surgery to achieve her amazing results. ( CDAN ) JHud or Kirstie Alley ? Which very famous actress and music icon had a secret love child together in the late 1990s? Both of these parents are extremely well-known in their fields. At the time, Beauty and The Beast were each married to other celebrities, but had an affair while working on a project together. Beauty was just becoming well-known at the time, and having a baby with a famous and married music icon while each was married to someone else would have hurt everyone's careers. So, when they discovered she was pregnant, both couples agreed that Beauty would take a little time away from the spotlight, and Beast and his wife would publicly pretend to be pregnant. Beauty and her husband separated because of the affair, but Beast's wife stood by him and raised the child as her own… even though Beauty and The Beast have hooked up several times since then. ( Blind Gossip ) Please let this be Angie Jolie and Mick Jagger . Please let Maddox reveal this ESCANDALOSONESS during one of Brangie's very special staged photo-ops. And please let Jennifer Aniston go lesbian and marry this secret love child.
 
Open Post: Hosted By Lil Savion Top
This is a year old, but it was either post this or that terrifying mini Dolly Parton (more like Dolly Pardonyourselfandhaveaseatplease) impersonator with stuffed chichis from Toddlers & Tiaras last night . But it's ALWAYS too early for the latter so I went with Lil Savion instead. Lil Savion is like a collaboration between Willow Smith and Rudy Huxtable and I love her for three reasons: 1) She reminds of Little Chrissy from Pecker after she's put on Ritalin. 2) Lil Savion is permanently looking you down with her left eye. 3) The Gucci backpack and Z formation has just pushed all of us back into the mid-90s. I really hope this was made during school hours, because this is the kind of learning our children need in their lives. Where was Lil Savion when I was a kid to teach me the correct way to throw "NOT TODAY " shade at the gym teacher? And yes, I'm sure this video will be used to argue that we need to bring back ass whoopins to our schools. via Crunk + Disorderly
 
Kim K's Honeymoon Video vs. Hippos Mating In The Water Top
Above is Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' completely natural and not at all staged honeymoon video that doesn't look like a low-budget foreign soft core porn from the early 80s that your parents had on BETA. It also doesn't look like a commercial for a non-FDA approved penile enhancement drug whose side effects include leaky ass, dribble dick, cotton mouth, deflated soul and the constant feeling of being suffocated by a twelve layer ass that smells like regrets, smegma and the urinal in an NFL locker room. Not at all. And below is a video of hippos mating in the river. Do I even need to ask for a show of hands from people who would rather watch the second one at 4am on Skinemax when you've got a head full of the drunks and a lap full of cold nachos? There's really no need. Don't worry, I'm calling Cinemax on behalf of all of us.
 
Madge's Face Comes To The Venice Film Festival Top
As Madge's toy Baby Brahim searched the land for the missing shard of a magical crystal to sacrifice to the dark chamber inside her crotch so his soul can be released, his master made the flesh of Italian virgins shiver when she stepped out onto the red carpet at the photo call for her movie W.E. at the Venice Film Festival today. Sure, I can use this space to talk about the reviews so far (Basically, the critics say it's like a 10" peen that can't get hard. Pretty to look at but not worth fucking with.), but let's talk about more important things: LIKE MADGE'S FACE! Sometimes Madge's face looks like a plate of baby butt cheeks sloppily wrapped in a sheet of overstretched wonton dough and other times it looks like it's starting to settle and has pores that breathe in oxygen with the rest of us. It's somewhere in between here. I mean, if she opened her mouth I wouldn't expect to hear Jim Henson's voice, but then again I wouldn't put her face in the organic section of the grocery store. However, Madge's eyebrows win all the points. If you put them together, they'd look like a flying bird trying to turn right so that's a nice natural touch. I love it when hos pay homage to wildlife with their brows. And I also love that Madge wore her best SERIOUS MOVIE DIRECTOR ENSEMBLE. Ho, that outfit is not going to make us forget that you're partly responsible for fucking Shanghai Surprise ! NEVER FORGET. Besides, that outfit makes her look like the receptionist at a Catholic School who really wants to be a nun but just can't let go of the dick.
 
Cher's Got Your Number, Hussy! Top
In case you haven't heard, the bigoted crazies slithered out of their own asses and freaked out all over Facebook, message boards and ABC's site over Chaz Bono joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars. Their argument is that DWTS is a family friendly show (nip slips and all) and is no place for the " LGBT agenda." Little do they know that if you removed the L,G,B and T from Dancing with the Stars, you'd have Shuffleboard with the Stars and they'd only wear polo shirts and sloppy ponytails. They don't seem to mind that the mutated clown monster who was made from Lucifer's toe jam (see : Nancy Grace ) is in the cast, but they're clutching their crucifixes over Chaz Bono. Okay. Buzzfeed has the worst of the worst reactions if that's what you need to see today and below is my personal favorite from Memaw Carol: OMG - did you hear that Chaz Bono (Sonney & chers) daughter, turned man will be one of the contestants on Dancing With The Stars? Hope he doesn't get a hard on from dancing with his female partner. I hope this message doesn't go to Hollywood! I hope it isn't censored. OMG ...I can't believe I even said this. WHAT the hell, did they attached a dead mans "U know what to this freak"? Oh, Carol. For someone who thinks she knows a lot about what's going on in Chaz Bono's down below parts, I would think you'd know that he hasn't had a " dead man's U know what" attached to his body yet. But I have a feeling that when you weren't looking somebody attached a dead man's anus over your mouth since what's coming out of it is nothing but tired, old, dusty, grave dirt shit. Maybe you should look into that. And after you do, let's get together to sip tea while we watch for swaying boners on DWTS. I know that's the real reason you watch that shit, Carol. You dirty little filthy bird watcher. Get it while you can, ole' girl! Chaz Bono's mother Cher also jumped to her son's defense and asked her to Twatter followers to show their support for him: lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it I support him no matter what he chooses 2do! God! will there always be haters! It took COURAGE 2 do dwts ! TG Chaz has an Unlimited supply  Can u guys check out sites & give him your support ? BTW ...Mothers don't stop Getting angry with stupid bigots who fk with their children ! It's times like these that I forgive Cher for typing like a 12-year-old me in an AOL chat room.
 
Lies Your Tattoo Told You Top
Billy Joel drives like a blind paraplegic and is known for playing chicken with trees and losing. Lindsay Lohan's entire life is a 40-car pileup on 1-495 and her face looks like an old tree that has been hit by Billy Joel's bumper, so it was destiny that they come together to create some shit that would make more sense stamped onto an expired piece of hangar steak in the broken refrigerator at C-Town. Former actress turned sea jasper aficionado LiLo put her stale Dorito carcass under a tattoo artist's needle at Shamrock Tattoo in L.A. earlier this week and got a lyric to Billy Joel's "I Go To Extremes" inked into her jerkified flesh. TMZ magically got a hold of these pictures (aka White Oprah e-mailed them with the note: "Wanna do me?" Actually, that note is her e-mail signature, because you never know. Someone might sign up for that one day) and they were told that LiLo thinks her new tattoo represents " where she is in life and everything she's been through ... it signifies that she's focused ." BJ's "Goodbye to Hollywood" would've been a more appropriate choice, but this is a Lohan. They have those opposite eyes. Everything we see, they see the opposite thing. For example: LiLo sees: Clear as a crystal We see: Clear as a crystal meth pipe that has been passed around a Bronx crack den so much that its mouthpiece has cold sores on it and the cracks in its bowl are held together with Scotch Tape. LiLo sees: Sharp as a knife We see: Sharp as a knife after Blohan used it to stab the body of career until the blade broke off when it hit the I Know Who Killed Me organ. LiLo see : I feel like We see : Bitch, don't act like all the quartz dust (or whatever) you snort up didn't eat all the feelings in your nerves. You're like a b-hole slathered in Orajel. LiLo sees : I'm in the prime of my life We see: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHajkfdsfhladsfAHJAHAHAHAHHA Okay, I take back that last one. It was unfair. That's something a 50-something who just got her second vaginal rejuvenation and a membership to the Pussy Lube of the Month Club would say, so it completely fits. You know, now that I look at it the entire tattoo fits. That font makes your retinas laugh, it's crooked as shit, the spacing isn't trying to be great and overall it's a mess. It's like the tattoo version of LeAnn Rimes' tits. It's slurring so much that you can't take it seriously. So good job to that tattoo artist! Although, they probably didn't mean to do that on purpose. I'm sure it was hard trying not to laugh with their whole body while tattooing words of delusion into a Lohan.
 
Prince Hot Ginge's Balloon Is Happy To See You Top
Prince Hot Ginge has a warm heart made of a million Care Bear stares and he loves helping children as much as he loves snorting vodka shots in the middle of a club. And yesterday, on the 14th anniversary of his mother's death, PHG warmed the souls of ill children with his sunburnt smile at the Wellchild Awards in London and someone just had to give him that balloon. I guess that balloon is supposed to be a rose, or some shit, but I've never seen a rose like that. If roses looked like that, I would be sitting on a rose bush right now and I wouldn't even be mad about the fact that I'd be pooping out thorns for the next few hours. Wouldn't be the first time. But really. Somebody just had to give PHG that balloon and he just had to hold it up to his crotch like that and all of this just had to happen while in the presence of children. They're just fucking with me now. They're testing my ass. How can I get dirty about PHG's big long balloon with a fat head when there's chirruns around? Everybody knows that I'm always THINKING OF THE CHILDREN so I can't possibly taint their ears with the lukewarm dingles of inappropriateness that come dripping out of my mouth. But I will say that even thought it'd give me rubber burns on the no-no and bits of balloon would permanently live up in my gut, I still would. And I've just realized that I wrote way too many characters about doing stuff with Prince Hot Ginge's balloon (A BALLOON!) while sitting at my mom's kitchen table. Some people have Aha! moments. I just had an Aha Aniston moment. If you need me, I'll just be here forever alone.
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 31st! Top
From Courtney "erotic lizard-lips" Stodden's Twitter: "As I stand atop the throbbing ply-wood, I open my luscious lips to welcome my bright eyed n bushy-tailed hubby's erotic tongue! Grrr!!! ;)" - AMF Runners-up: Even Animal Planet is getting in on the royal wedding by re-enanting Prince Will & Kate's vows. - Stock Broker "There is no helping him Mr. Squirrel. He is extinct." - ceofancypants "Hello, Vivid Entertainment" "This is Kris Jenner and you fucking pulled a fast one on me! The sex tape you sent over is of Kourtney and Scott!!" - Barb Dwyer Source: Elliot C Nathan via Reddit
 

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