Monday, October 29, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Nothing Like A Good Old-Fashioned Restaurant Brawl Top


It's been much too long since we've watched tricks and tramps get messy and foolish in the middle of a restaurant. But this time, bitches didn't get crazy in a Denny's (shocking) and it didn't go down in Amurca. The Asians of Toronto are representing the fuckery this time. While Hurricane Sandy snatches weaves, exposes illegal tourist hotels, causes ConEd explosions, squirts up the subway stations and continues to be a real bitch, watch these Asians create a man-made disaster by getting messy in a Vietnamese restaurant. I want to say they're whoopin' each other's asses Gangnam-style, but I'm pretty sure most of them are Vietnamese. Plates are flying! Jackets are coming off! Waitresses are stepping in!

The star of this video isn't the dude shouting Worldstar over and over again, it's the exquisite and delicate Asian flower with the mane of white blond hair. Of course that hair is all-natural. I used to think that the natural white blond Asian was just a myth like lesbian unicorns, but this video shows me that they exist in real-life. And they're even more graceful, demure and refined than I imagined. I bet her nipples are made of cubic zirconia. She's THAT genteel.

(Thanks, Jenn)

 
Levi Johnston Got Married And Sold His Wedding Picture To Inside Edition Top

Note to celebwhores who sell their wedding pictures for hundreds of thousands of dollars to the likes of People Magazine: You're tacky, you're trashy and you're doing it wrong. Learn from Levi Johnston who really knows how to do it. Nothing says tact and class like selling your wedding pictures to the highly-respectable news show Inside Edition for a 16 oz. can of Miller Lite High Life, a box of bullets and a carton of Winstons. There's truly something special about your wedding pictures being shown between a story about the 600-pound woman and a baby-cleaning dog.

Yesterday in Wasilla, the unpoppable pimple on the Palin Family's b-hole, Levi Johnston, became someone's husband for the first time when he married Sunny Ogelsby, the mother to his one-month old daughter Breeze Beretta. Levi Johnston, Sunny Ogelsby, Breeze Beretta.... THOSE PEOPLES' NAMES! I guess Wasilla really is the meth capital of Alaska, because Levi's parents, Sunny's parents and Breeze's parents were all on the wrong stuff when their names were chosen. Those don't sound like real-life names. Those sound like the names of characters in a 1970s car chase movie. They should be played by Burt Reynolds, Audrey Landers and Susan Anton, respectively.

Sadly for Levi, his first born, Tripp, wasn't there to say, "Congratulations, faggot!", because Bristol Palin is a bitch who likes to play games. Levi wanted Tripp to be the ring bearer, but Bristol wouldn't let him. Well, there's always next time and there will be a next time, because this isn't Levi's last marriage. Levi was meant to be the dead beat, piece of trash ex-husband to dozens of women.

And in that picture above, as her parents breathe on each other, Breeze Beretta is looking out into the distance and dreaming of the day she'll be able to crawl far away from those two dumb bitches.

via UsWeekly 

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

The laughs and the constipated look of pain on Jennifer Aniston's face could only mean one of two things: they're either watching Brad Pitt's Chanel No. 5 commercial or they're watching Aniston's Smart Water viral. Jennifer looks like she just inhaled a whole lot of hobo stank, so I'll go with the former. - Lainey Gossip 

The only douche who I thought could perfectly pull off a Patrick Bateman costume didn't pull off a Patrick Bateman costume - The Superficial 

Joss Whedon is for Mitt Romney (and definitely for sarcasm), but what I want to know is why hasn't he used some of that Avengers money to buy a dishwasher? - Towleroad

Are we sure Katie Price isn't just smuggling earth angel Harvey Price in her shirt? - Hollywood Tuna 

Kendra Wilkinson is celebrating Whore-o-ween by getting naked. How different of her! - Drunken Stepfather

Alicia Silverstone had her very own gay boyfriend and I hope they watched Spartacus together - The Berry (item #3)

Usher paid $12,000 for a puppy, which is crazy since he only paid $10,000 for Justin Bieber - Celebitchy

Even Doogie Howser celebrates Slut-o-ween by bringing his nips out - Just Jared

Surprise, surprise, nobody wanted to see Halle Berry and Tom Hanks play dress up for three hours - ICYDK

When is Billy Ray Cyrus going to put Miley's hair out of its misery and then cook it on a shopping cart grill out back? - Popoholic

Mila Kunis ain't pregnant, she's just got douche bloat - Popsugar

The Carrie Diaries needs more Mrs. Rojo - OMG Blog 

Isn't this how Sophie Turner always dresses? - IDLYITW

Steve Sanders made another baby - I'm Not Obsessed

So that's why Justin Bieber freaks out when Selena Gomez brings out the airplane spoon during feeding time - Hollywood Rag 

Fame Whores with iPhones - Cityrag

If Gerard Butler stops slutting around and settles down with one ho, the CDC will have to close the department devoted to him. So keep sluttin', Gerry, jobs are on the line.  - Celebslam

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 29th! Top

via Izismile

 
Open Post: Hosted By A Jogging Horse In Hot Shorts Top

Hurricane Sandy (full name: Hurricane Sandra Lee) isn't going to get in the way of Trace Cyrus training for next year's Kentucky Derby! I think this is what Lindsay Lohan meant by being positive. Get high on bath salts, put on a horse mask and get some cardio in by going wild in the DC streets.

via Videogum

 
This Hot Piece Was Found Wandering Around Tom Cruise's Backyard Last Night.... Top

Usually, when Tommy Girl's neighbors hear the pained screams of a man coming from his backyard, they just assume that John Travolta's itchy, itchy Scientolohole once again crashed Tommy's gay orgy and started gobbling up boy dick left and right. But last night, a man screamed in Tommy's backyard for a different reason. TMZ says that Jason Sullivan, a model/interior designer who lives in a house next to Tommy's, was tased by a security guard after he climbed a fence and jumped into Tommy's backyard. The line "man gets shocked after jumping into Tommy's backyard" sounds like a euphemism for sex with a plug-in vibrator gone wrong.

The story goes that Jason Sullivan was out drinking and asked a friend to drive him home. After the friend dropped him off, Jason was so drunk on the sweet nectar that he didn't know which house was his. So Jason stumbled onto Tommy's property by accident. Jason knew he was in the wrong place when one of Tommy's security guards frizzed his pubes by tasering his ass. When the police showed up, they found smoke rising from Jason's pubes and hair as he tried to run away from Tommy's mansion. Jason was arrested for trespassing and before he was shuffled off to jail, he was taken to the hospital, because getting tased screwed him up in a bad way. Tommy wasn't home at the time.

This is just a sad, sad story. Can't a secret lover sneak into his boyfriend's Beverly Hills mansion for a good night kiss on the no-no without worrying about his piece's bodyguard tasering the Thetans off of him? Romance is dead, because Tommy's security guards tased it.

 
Daytime TV Loses A Silver Fox Top

On MahBoo 369me tonight, Anderson Cooper's beautiful, angelic face will be splattered with loads of salty liquid as he chases Hurricane Sandy on the Jersey Shore and my beat, demonic face will be covered in salty tears, because Telepictures has kicked my emotions right in the taint by canceling Anderson Live! And yet, Jeff Probst still breathes on daytime TV. This life ain't right.

The New York Times says that after its second season ends, Anderson Live will be cremated and its ashes will be turned into a diamond ring that the Silver Fox will wear on his pinky, so he'll never forget the days when he was a daytime talk show star. After the first season of Anderson's talk show delivered lukewarm ratings, they re-vamped it by bringing in co-hosts and changing the set. It didn't work. Anderson will stop making new shows this summer and there won't be a third season. The Silver Fox said this to the NY Times:

"I am very proud of the work that our terrific staff has put into launching and sustaining our show for two seasons, I am grateful to Telepictures for giving me the opportunity, and I am indebted to the audience, who have responded so positively. I look forward to doing more great shows this season, and I'm sorry we won't be continuing, but I have truly enjoyed it."

If the success of TV shows weren't measured by ratings, but were instead measured by how many hos fap to it, then Anderson Live would be the number one show in the country! Okay, the number one show in California! Okay, the number one show in Los Angeles! Okay, the number one show in my apartment! But in all seriousness, maybe this shit is for the best. I know Anderson is a serious journalist and wanted to bring us serious news like updates on Tan Mom, but when I watched him go spray tanning with that piece of wookie trash Snooki, it hurt me. I don't want to see my Silver Fox like that.

 
Here's Zoe Saldana As Nina Simone Top

When filmmaker Cynthia Mort announced that she was writing and directing a Nina Simone biopic, Nina Simone's own daughter, Simone, pretty much blew a fart at it, because the family was never asked to participate. The Nina Simone Estate didn't put their stamp of approval on Cynthia Mort's movie. Simone and The Nina Simone Estate made it clear that they would rather see a Nina Simone biopic made with LEGOS than see Cynthia Morton's Nina Simone biopic. Then when it was announced that Zoe Saldana was playing Nina Simone, Simone really rolled her eyes into a double side-eye. Simone told Ebony Magazine that when she thinks of actresses who should play her mom, she doesn't think of Zoe Saldana.

I love Zoe Saldana's work. I've seen some of her movies more than once and really enjoy what she brings to the screen. As an actress I respect her process, but I also know that there are many actresses out there, known or not, who would be great as my mother. The one actress that I've had in my heart for a very long time, whose work I'm familiar with already, is Kimberly Elise. Many people have spoken to me about Viola. I love her look. I love her energy. Both of the actresses that I've mentioned are women of color, are women with beautiful, luscious lips and wide noses, and who know their craft. I also have no problem introducing someone we've never heard of before who can play my mother.

Simone said this back in August and now here's pictures of Zoe as Nina on the Los Angeles set of that mess of a movie this past Friday. Somebody should check on Simone, because she probably just side-eyed so hard that several vessels popped and she might need medical attention. Did they really need to put Zoe in black(er) face and throw a prosthetic nose on her? Even Zoe Saldana is making a face like she knows this was a bad idea. It's the same face I make when a trick I just met on Craigslist opens his apartment door and I realize the picture he sent me was taken 30 years ago. I should've gotten the hint when the picture was a scan of a Polaroid.

 
Canadian Douche vs. Canadian Douche Top

No, Kelly Clarkson didn't go blond. This is Avril Lavigne's bleached porcupine-looking ex-husband, Deryck Whibley as her and that's his girlfriend Ari Cooper as Chad Kroeger. There's no shade like Canadian shade. The last time I laughed at something Deryck did was when he actually married Avril Lavigne and now I'm laughing at Deryck showing Avril up by looking prettier than her.

This mess of a costume is tragic, desperate and sad, and I love all of it. It's perfect. It's even more perfect when you think about how later on in the night, "Avril" licked "Chad's" pussy in the last stall in the men's bathroom. Yeah, something tells me this isn't the first time Deryck and Ari have dressed up as Avril and Chad. They probably have a sex swing made of torn Abbey Dawn t-shirts hanging in the corner of their bedroom and they both can't bust out an orgasm unless a Nickelback is blaring in their ears. Sucio bitches.

To keep the Canadian shade going, Chad Kroeger lit a cigarette and burned Deryck back on Twitter:

This is like watching a catty fight between an overused butt plug and a factory-defected enema. You can't choose a side. If you asked Deryck who won, he would say he did and if you asked Chad who won, he would say he did. But they both lose, because they both can say that they've bumped nipples with Avril Lavigne.

via Entertainment Weekly 

 
This Dumb Trick: Lindsay Lohan Will Stop Hurricane Sally (Or Whatever That Ho's Name Is) With The Power Of Prayer! Top

Hundreds of thousands of people have been told to evacuate, an 11-foot wall of water is supposed to crash into Manhattan and millions of people are furiously searching the Internet while they still can for ways to make a satellite dish and TV out of tin foil and fish bones (because they can't miss American Horror Story on Wednesday night, DUH), but Lindsay Lohan wants everyone to stop bitching and crying about Hurricane Sally Jessy Raphael. (Don't hate Blohan for not remembering Sandy's name. You know how bad crackheads are at remembering anything.)

Right before LiLo, whose brain was destroyed a long time ago by Hurricane Cokey, begged Lady CaCa to pay attention to her, she told all of her followers to stop being so dramatic and use positive thinking to ward the hurricane away. I can see it now. There's LiLo, wasted out of her mind, sitting on her living room floor and rambling to the walls about how we can make the storm go away if we just THINK it away.

Hurricane Sandy is obviously a coked up, drunk mess herself, and Lindsay Lohan is made up entirely of vodka and coke granules, so can't we just tie her to the top of the Empire State Building as an offering to the storm? That's me thinking positively.

(Thanks to Deb and Jardley for sending this mess in) 

 

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