The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- R.I.P. Heidi The Cross-Eyed Possum
- Nicole Richie Might Have New Chichis
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 27th!
- Hot Sluts Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- ASkars Is Fighting The Hot For His Art
- Jessica Simpson Is Probably Knocked Up
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Scott Disick Is A Big Dick With A Big Dick
| R.I.P. Heidi The Cross-Eyed Possum | Top |
The most famous cross-eyed opossum in the world and former Hot Slut, Heidi, has closed her googly sticker eyes for the last time and floated off to the great big knocked over trash can in the sky at the way-too-young age of three and a half. The sores on my heart have not yet healed over Knut tragically earning a place in Oscar's In Memoriam montage (they better not forget) and now Heidi?! QUICK. Form two prayer circles around Frankenlouie! The director of Germany's Leipzig Zoo delivered the sad news to Spiegel this morning. The zoo said that cross-eyed Heidi suffered from arthritis and other disorders brought on by the olds. (Mammal lesson: Possums usually don't live past the age of 4.) They didn't want Heidi to suffer anymore so they put her to sleep. Ruhe in frieden (shit accent caused by Google Translate), Heidi. Your cross-eyed legacy will forever live on the face of Vienna Sausage. | |
| Nicole Richie Might Have New Chichis | Top |
UsWeekly has one picture from a couple of years ago of Nicole Richie's titty situation looking about as flat as the line that comes on the monitor when a ho hooks Parasite Hilton's snatch up to an EEG machine, and next to that they have a recent picture of Lionel Richie's child looking like a twin set of Ziploc bags slipped into her belly button hole and traveled north. Some source claims that Nicole Richie did something she say she'd never do! No, I'm not talking about Nicole going to a hot tub party at Parasite's house without bringing the melted butter for the soft-shell crotch crabs that float to the surface. I'm talking about getting a silicone injection to her chest. The source says that Nicole is telling her friends that her chichis looked like two sunny side up microwaved eggs tacked to a cork board thanks to breastfeeding and so she took her nipples higher (or lower, depending on who did the job). The source went on to say, "In the past, she said she wanted a lift, though we never thought she was serious. She's been open about it to friends. The pregnancies took a toll. She said breast-feeding killed what boobs she did have!" Maybe Nicole got her chest plumped or maybe BABIES!! and eating more than slivers of dust caused her breast situation to grow. Who knows. But the real lesson here is that eating is nothing but a good thing. It can take you from looking like a Tequila worm that got bit by a zombie to looking good. Like I've said before, don't eat for yourself, eat for your chichis! Or maybe I'm wrong as usual, and Nicole just got a good old-fashioned Bangkok titty slap. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
This B list celebrity acting couple is all about the television acting for now. The actress in the couple has certainly had some great success in movies. Really big success, but for now focuses on television. Anyway, the couple is pretty open sexually and have brought other women into the relationship before with no difficulties. However, a woman they brought into the relationship not too long ago has caused some problems mainly because the actor in this relationship will not stop calling her and has seen her on his own with our actress present. She is not thrilled at all. The actor says he will not do it anymore, but very shaky ground right now for the couple. (CDAN) Sookeh and Beeeeeeeeeeeehl? Beeeehl needs to remove his Walking Dead face from his side piece's crotch and renew his open marriage vow. "I promise to love and cherish you and only flick my tongue at another woman's clitoris when you're by my side to scream at me 'Lickit! Lickit! Lickit!' like they do in porn." Which Oscar winner is selling off a few of her Andy Warhol paintings to make ends meet? The wacky actress/singer, who lost a good amount of money during a messy public divorce, can't seem to get her boozing under control long enough to book a decent paying gig. (Blind Gossip) Will Spike Lee please drop whatever the hell he's doing and direct a musical remake of Jungle Fever starring Liza and Sly Stone so those two international treasures can make some coins already? You would never think of this couple having any issues. Quiet, soft spoken, always ready with a smile. They are bordering on that A list line of coupledom. He is an award winning movie actor who has been nominated for some big ones. She is an award winning mostly television actress and has been nominated for some big ones. What most people do not know is that he beat her so bad once that they were sure they would never have kids. As they have aged the beatings have been reduced substantially, but he still cheats on her with regularity and she just keeps taking it year after year. (CDAN) My only reasonable response: The kids of this celebrity couple are not handling the upcoming divorce too well. One is angry and getting into fights at school. Another is crying every day and begging the couple to stay together. Another is in total denial and keeps cheerfully insisting to friends and relatives that the rumors are all lies and that the marriage is fine. Now that's an actor in the making! We wonder if they know that Mommy and Daddy have been bearding for each other from the beginning. (Blind Gossip) The obvious and probably only guess is Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith? But the "school" part throws me off. Why am I picturing one of the Smith kids throwing punches at imaginary thetans in the air in the Scientology daycare room? | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 27th! | Top |
Nancy's nipple holds a press conference to confirm that it was, in fact, a pasty that slipped. - DirtyWhoreMouth Runners-up: Nostradamus' most accurate premonition: Posh in hell. - guruXen What could potentially happen if Phoebe Price gets any hotter. - jalynne Ice-T soon discovered that having sex with CoCo while on acid was not a good idea. - YourClothesAreDead via The Berry (Thanks C) | |
| Hot Sluts Of The Day! | Top |
Frank (front) and Louie (right), a two-faced pussy you can actually trust. I think. 12-year-olds Frank and Louie (or "Frankenlouie" if your ass is too lazy to pause) were just inducted into the Guinness Book of World Records for being the world's longest-living Janus cat (that's fancy talk for two-faced pussy). Most Janus cats barely breathe in a couple of set of breaths before they're off to heaven to two-face it up with the angels, but Frank and Louie have outlived them all. Frank and Louie were brought into Tufts Veterinary Clinic 12 years ago and the vets were ready to put two tiny gas masks over their noses, but one of the nurses took them in and they've all been together ever since. Frank and Louie share one brain and one esophagus, so Frank gets to do all the eating while Louie sits there and silently judges his headmate for being a fat-faced greedy over-eater. It's what Eddie Cibrian knows as the LeAnn Treatment. But on the bright side, Louie gets to purr out "Meow missed a spot" while Louie licks their co-op asshole to cleanliness. Here's a video from the Worcester Telegram of Frankenlouie's owner talking about her two-faced gift. This is when the crusty ball of bitterness in my chest felt sorry for Frank and Louie. I mean, having to live with a show off bitch of a bird who thinks it's a regular Parrototti. TORTURE! Think about this shit. Frank and Louie can meow shit to your face and meow shit behind your back at the same time! Not to mention they can double-team side-eye you from both sides. Frank and Louie are my kind. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Dita Von Teese (39) | |
| ASkars Is Fighting The Hot For His Art | Top |
With his pubes of a cherub locks smelling like Nice 'N Easy and his mighty viking oar legs covered in dad jeans from Mervyn's going out of business sale, ASkars is embracing the homely to play a normal looking person in Disconnect which shot scenes in Yonkers, NY today. Yes, it's obvious that ASkars is trying to Charlize Theron his way to an Oscar by camouflaging his natural SWEDISH GOD OF THE GODS hotness with the wardrobe of a father of three you'd stand behind at Chili's To Go, but I'm glad he did. Because this is some shit that should make you swoon out of your reasonably-priced cotton panties. This ASkars probably smells like Palmolive soap (because the soap dispenser full of Dial in his shower ran out), only stays in motels where he can use his AAA card, still uses a Thomas Guide, always asks the waiter at Carrows if they have specials and only answers the phone by saying "Yell-o!" May the viking gods slap me in the loins with a thunderbolt for saying this, but I prefer my ASkars served like this. This is some realness I can get into. I mean, this ASkars' idea of a hot Saturday night is probably sharing a bowl of Jiffy Pop and a bottle of Chateau Diana while reading Joyful Noise poems together before getting into some lights off missionary sex on his Jennifer Convertible. How can you fucking not prefer this ASkars?! | |
| Jessica Simpson Is Probably Knocked Up | Top |
The questions "How is babby formed?" and "Wich whole duz babeh cum out of?" might hit Jessica Simpson's Twitter page any day now, because InTouch Weekly says that the permanent food baby in her belly has magically transformed into an actual human baby. BLIND ITEM SOLVED (maybe)! Jessica and her rent-to-own piece Eric Johnson were supposed to get married last summer, but they pushed that shit back to November after she successfully fell for the oldest trick in the gold digging book. Eric told Jessica that he had to poke holes in the condom or else his dick would suffocate. SUCCESS! The source said this about the baby that will hopefully defy the odds by being born with at least 3 brain cells (that's 2.95 more brain cells that its parents have combined): "She's already having kooky cravings!" a friend shares, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate — "which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet" — cheese-flavored popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas. How is Jessica eating melted Snickers soup with a Doritos crouton on top any different than what goes down her food hole on a daily basis? And as Papa Joe makes himself a giant breast pump costume in the basement, Vanessa Manilafolders is trolling the streets of Manila looking for a Filipino orphan baby with a huge rack and a woodchuck face who could pass as her and Nick Lachey's child. Jessica is NOT going to beat Vanessa to a very special "Ahs Finally Have The Baby Of My Dreams!" cover of Life & Style. Even if Vanessa has to slather grape jelly on that Filipino orphan, shove it up her twat and then push it out in front of the paparazzi, Jessica is not going to win ever! | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
True story: That cat was an emaciated, hairless, starving alley orphan until Salma Hayek fed it leche from her world-saving UNICEF chichis - Hollywood Tuna Somebody issue a CITIZEN'S ARREST on Ryan Gosling for going to a talk show without his mohawk dog that eats apples or peaches or whatever - Lainey Gossip This is how all word fights should play out - The Berry I see Leelee Sobieski asked her make-up artist to give her the "alien on bathtub meth" look - The Superficial A check is a check no matter whose taint you have to lick to get it - Celebitchy Leisha Haley says the kiss was just that, a kiss - Towleroad Annalynne McCord's nalgas look like two latte pies in that skirt (No, I don't know what a latte pie is either) - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather If DanRad throws in a dog locket with an autographed picture of his Equus peen in it, then I'll take Padfoot! - The Daily What Because looking at Hugh Jackman's nipples never gets old - Just Jared The words "easy, breezy, beautiful" just came on my mind - Hollywood Rag Chris Brown is a knee licker - ICYDK This is exactly what it looks like when The Situation doesn't rub topical ointment on his genital wart for weeks - Videogum Never change, Gremlin Frankie, never change - Crunk + Disorderly It's like Joseph Gordon-Levitt is fucking himself between the eyes - I'm Not Obsessed And I just learned how to say "awwww" 21 different ways - Cityrag When Kurt Met Blaine - OMG Blog | |
| Scott Disick Is A Big Dick With A Big Dick | Top |
By the looks of that picture, Scott Disick must be a grower (with the help of a Brooks Brothers penis pump, a peen extender, three layers of dick padding and an injection of Khloe Hormones) and not a shower. Scott Disick (as always, the "s" is silent) is a big walking penis with a side urethra that spits out verbal piss on the regular, but the Kardashian Klan is also trying to make us believe that deep in his Ralph Lauren trousers is a monster that can beat Khloe Kardashian in an arm wrestling competition for the last large pizza on the eatin' table. xoJane.com (via UsWeekly) brought up the dick size situation of the newest Kardashian prisoner and Pimp Mama Kris' whores quickly changed the focus and instead talked about how Scott Disick's dick is the most useful thing in the family since it can catch peanuts and juggle apples. Jane: We're getting the hook -- they're telling us we're out of time! Okay, wait -- is Kris [Humpries] well endowed? They all think he is. Kourtney is about the size of a Snooki, so any dick would look Khloe-sized next to her. That settles that. But why is Kim giggling at the mention of the word p-e-n-i-s. Ho, please. I hate it when whores don't remember where they came from. Kim needs to stop acting like if Scott dropped chocolate sauce on his crotch, she wouldn't snap for a camera crew and command her pussy to assume the lock jaw position. | |
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