The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- My Thoughts Exactly, Shiloh
- So I Guess Xtina Dressed Up As Herself For Halloween This Year
- The Deadliest Snatch
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- This Is The Face Of A Man Who Once Had Butt Sex With A Coke Pill
- Well, Color Me Happy! There's A Sofa In Here For Two!
- Papa Joe's (Alleged) Sugar Baby Is (Allegedly) A Fame Whoring Twink
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
| My Thoughts Exactly, Shiloh | Top |
I don't know why Shiloh is making a level 3 "over it" face. Maybe she just watched her daddy's Chanel No. 5 commercial and is too embarrassed for words. Maybe she CAN'T with her mom once again wearing condom shoes that make St. Angie's feet look even more like lizard hooves made of stretched foreskin. Maybe she wants to be Fred from Scooby Doo (homegirl does have the hair for it) and the cheap ass Halloween store in Sherman Oaks didn't have that costume. Maybe one of the paps is wearing CROCs. Who knows, but I'm all for Shiloh's grouch face, because I'm all for looking like you're over it at ALL TIMES. Whenever you can make a bitchface, make one. In fact, I'm making a bitchface right now over Vivienne's costume. Just because Vivienne is a movie star now, doesn't mean she can go around stealing other people's costume. I was going to wear a droopy, sedated, half-dead pink unicorn apron for Halloween and now I can't, because Vivienne already beat me to it. Damn you, chosen one. Damn you. | |
| So I Guess Xtina Dressed Up As Herself For Halloween This Year | Top |
If it wasn't for Whatshisname dressed up as Sir Golddigsalot, you wouldn't know it was Skankoween and you'd think that Xtina had just pulled herself off of the puddle of chardonnay drool and mascara tears she was lying in to pick her kid up from school. When the kids at school see a bloated cloud of pressed powder, torn fishnets, frizzy pink wig hair and bits of dried self tanner gel coming toward them they know that Max's mom is here to pick him up. But believe it or not, Xtina is actually wearing a costume. Xtina threw a Halloween party last night and she took a little time out from drunkenly humping all of her guests to come outside and pose FOR HER LIFE between two pieces of lifeless wood. Xtina is not only a mess, but she's an ice-hearted bitch too. Just look at how she's smiling her fupa off and has no remorse about viciously murdering a family of Poochie dolls to make that wig. Cold bitch is the Ecuadorian Cruella De Vil. | |
| The Deadliest Snatch | Top |
Carrying her urine sample for a chlamydia test, Kim Kartrashian showed up to Midori's Halloween party in NYC last night dressed up like a rotten fish that needs to be thrown back into the sea. That green skull is reacting the same way I react when I see that Kim has suffocated her Mount Doom ass under ten layers of Spanx and sparkly scales that match the sparkly scales on Gay Fish's dirt star. Kim used a fresh-out-of-the-plastic-bag blond wig from a discount Halloween store to make her plastic face look even more like a Scream mask that was dipped in lead-based bronze paint. Bitch's face is making a stop off in Giuliana Rancic-ville before it goes full Wildenstein. Apparently, Kim is supposed to be Daryl Hannah in Splash. This makes sense, because in the Director's Cut of Splash, while Darryl Hannah is lying in bath tub, Tom Hanks comes in and pisses all over her tail. Gay Fish is supposed to be some kind of boat captain, but fool looks more like a Kennedy on Labor Day (shading Taylor Swift?) or like Blaine from Glee or an assistant manager at a Talbots outlet. Kim and Kanye obviously went with a theme this year. The theme being that they both look like cold shit. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Pipsqueak, the puppy goat! Hurricane Sandy Duncan (the ruthless bitch destroyed Valerie Harper's show and now she's trying to destroy NYC) is coming for the East Coast and soon some of you will lose electricity and will wash out to sea where you'll have to build a new world out of wooden rafts, dress like Russell Brand, grow out dreadlocks and help Kevin Costner find the girl from Corrina, Corrina who's like a human Google Map because she knows the way to dry land. Or something like that. They probably won't have YouTube videos where you're going, so let this YouTube video be the last YouTube video you see. It's the perfect last video, because it has everything: a Hot Slut baby goat, PUPPIES!, a clear ketchup bottle with a nipple and a hanging door bell that looks like steel nuts. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Julia Roberts (45) | |
| This Is The Face Of A Man Who Once Had Butt Sex With A Coke Pill | Top |
Yesterday, we larned (typo and it stays, because I want to speak with a Honey Boo Boo accent today) that Rod Stewart didn't have to get his stomach pumped, because he never overdosed on sailor cum. Uh huh. And today, we're learning that back during his drug days, Rod Stewart regularly got on all fours and begged to be butt banged hard by a coke pill. Yes, we know Rod Stewart like THAT now. I don't like it either. In his new memoirs Rod Stewart: Farting Up Coke and Barfing Up Cum, he writes that he wasn't ever addicted to the bad shit in a serious way, but he did dabble in drugs and found creative ways to get high. But Rod writes that his bandmate Ronnie Wood was hooked on coke and didn't want to mess up his nose, so they shoved coke pills up their no-nos. Rod and Ronnie were both coke's bottom bitch. Rod explained it all to Access Hollywood (via NYDN):
Lindsay Lohan's Hoover of an asshole isn't impressed. Coke suppository? That's amateur hour. LiLo can stand with her back facing a fat line of coke 100 feet away and all her b-hole has to do is inhale just a little bit and BOOM! Bitch's butt sucks up that line before anybody even notices. You know, I'm all for sticking what ever it is you want up your own sugar tunnel. If it makes your nipples sweat and does you right, then go for it. But I CAN'T with snorting coke up your ass. Don't give me that "but it numbs it good" shit. If you want to numb your anus, just make it watch Brad Pitt's Chanel commercial. It will knock out before he can say "journey." It will go to bed hating you, but it will still go to bed. Besides, do you really want coke breath of the butt and do you want your ass lips to start grinding? No peen wants to go near grinding ass lips. Deal breaker. | |
| Well, Color Me Happy! There's A Sofa In Here For Two! | Top |
Since Miley Cyrus is going around lately looking like a 1990s hooker, it took me a minute to realize this wasn't Miley in her usual grocery store-going outfit. This is Julia Roberts' niece and Eric Roberts' daughter Emma Roberts going to a Halloween party with her dude Evan Roberts from American Horror Story (Note: His last name is Peters, but I felt like I really needed to make you overdose on Roberts by typing the last name Roberts one more time. Roberts.) Because Emma Roberts really wanted young bitches to come to her all night and say, "OHMYGAWD, you're dressed like your auntie in that old movie that plays on AMC. How cute!", she dressed up like her auntie in Pretty Woman. Julia Roberts never looked like a real-life pussy peddler to me and neither does Emma Roberts, so she pulled off the faux hooker look. But it's Evan Peters I'm throwing hate at. Dude didn't even dress up. Don't try to tell me that he's wearing a costume, because I refuse to believe he is. That's how he normally dresses, because that's how everyone in L.A. normally dresses. Evan missed out on a huge opportunity. Evan could've thrown a severe white wig on his head, put icy blue contacts in his eyes, bought a black ruffled hair bow from a store that specializes in hair accessories from the early 90s for bitchy toddlers and gone as the most pivotal character in Pretty Woman. Evan could've been the Snobby Saleswoman #2 to Emma Roberts' Vivian. BIG MISTAKE! HUGE! No post about Pretty Woman is complete without the original GOOP, Marie. Mitt Romney should've picked Marie as his running mate, because nobody hates on the poor like she does. | |
| Papa Joe's (Alleged) Sugar Baby Is (Allegedly) A Fame Whoring Twink | Top |
If Radar and The National Enquirer are both spreading the truth, then Papa Joe Simpson really does like to squeeze and lick the cream out of a Twinkie. The National Enquirer turned the knob and opened up Papa Joe's closet door earlier this week when they said that his marriage turned to butt dust when he told his family that he loves the dick. The Enquirer's source said that Papa Joe was slapping nuts with a 20-something boy toy and Radar thinks they know who it is. Radar says that 21-year-old "aspiring model" Bryce Chandler Hill has been bragging to the gays in West Hollywood that he's climbing his way up the fame ladder by climbing on top of Papa Joe's good Christian dick. ONTD might've found some proof in this little flirty exchange on Twitter been BC and PJ last July. I don't know if it's because of that outfit or that flirty tweet from Papa Joe, but my b-hole just twitched itself into a temporary coma. Radar's source says that Bryce met 54-year-old Papa Joe through TJ Espinoza, a back-up dancer and one of Jessica and Ashlee's friends. Even though Papa Joe was lounging in the back of the closet with the lights turned off, Bryce was still blabbing about how he was boning and using Papa Joe to get ahead. None of Bryce's friends believed him until this week. The source put it like this:
Bryce said on Twitter that this story is made of lies. I should've known that Papa Joe's type would be a tanning bed-cooked twink who has side swept bangs just so he can fill the air with gold glitter when he flips his hair like a Breck Girl while dancing shirtless to a Robyn song in the middle of a WeHo gay club. The kind of twink who sprays Victoria's Secret passion fruit body mist on his bleached butt flower. That would be Papa Joe's type. But you know, I feel sorry for Papa Joe. I don't feel sorry for Papa Joe because he's getting played by a spotlight-fucking, gold digging piece of tampon lint. I feel sorry for Papa Joe because he's obviously trying to twinkify himself. Have you seen those tragic pictures at TMZ? Dude looks like Gary Busey as Ellen DeGeneres. Papa Joe needs the right gays around him. Papa Joe needs someone to tell him that wearing that sweater is only okay if you're a Wakefield twin and that hair just made Ken Paves stroke his favorite shears and promise them that he'd never ever make them commit a hair massacre like that. Papa Joe's hair is a level 10 tragedy. And that white iPhone? No words. A mid-life crisis should not involve peroxide. It just shouldn't. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
David Leisure, the actor who played Charley Dietz the man whore slut of Miami on Empty Nest! Empty Nest was not only a spin-off of the most important television show in the history of television, Golden Girls, but the characters were sort of kind of the same. Dr. Weston was the Dorothy (actually, I'm still not convinced that Dr. Weston wasn't played by Bea Arthur in man drag), Barbara was the Sophia, Carol was the Rose and Charley Dietz was the Blanche (if you sucked all the charisma and tang out of Blanche and replaced it with the ability to annoy every trick in a 100 foot radius). Those who majored in Golden Girls and minored in Empty Nest in college can correct me, but I'm pretty sure Charley Dietz worked as a pilot (but Wiki says he worked on a cruise ship) and he put more miles on his peen than he did on the planes he flew (or the ships he cruised on). Charley's job was to be the town man whore and to regularly annoy the pubes off of Dr. Weston's daughters Carol and Barbara. Charley was scuzzier than dick cheese and more irritating than a cold sore on your anus, but my love for sluts is unconditional, so he was always my second (next to Laverne) favorite character. David Leisure also used his gift of annoying the shit out of people to sell Isuzus. I HATED Joe Isuzu. To this day, I refuse to give a handy in an Isuzu* because of Joe Isuzu. * That's a lie. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Scott Weiland (45) | |
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