The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Jessica Simpson Is Probably Knocked Up
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 27th!
- Scott Disick Is A Big Dick With A Big Dick
- Open Post: Hosted By Scenes From Lindsay Lohan's Daycare Center
- Demi Moore And Ashton Kutcher Are Totally Getting A Divorce This Time
- RiRi Needs To Take Her Titty Balls To Church, So Says A Northern Irish Farmer
- Clarification Alert: Only L.A. Gays Are Total Sluts
- Like A Love Letter To Joel McHale, Nancy Grace's Nipple Comes Out To Play
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 26th!
| Jessica Simpson Is Probably Knocked Up | Top |
The questions "How is babby formed?" and "Wich whole duz babeh cum out of?" might hit Jessica Simpson's Twitter page any day now, because InTouch Weekly says that the permanent food baby in her belly has magically transformed into an actual human baby. BLIND ITEM SOLVED (maybe)! Jessica and her rent-to-own piece Eric Johnson were supposed to get married last summer, but they pushed that shit back to November after she successfully fell for the oldest trick in the gold digging book. Eric told Jessica that he had to poke holes in the condom or else his dick would suffocate. SUCCESS! The source said this about the baby that will hopefully defy the odds by being born with at least 3 brain cells (that's 2.95 more brain cells that its parents have combined): "She's already having kooky cravings!" a friend shares, especially nacho chips dipped in chocolate — "which satisfy her urge for salty and sweet" — cheese-flavored popcorn and non-alcoholic margaritas. How is Jessica eating melted Snickers soup with a Doritos crouton on top any different than what goes down her food hole on a daily basis? And as Papa Joe makes himself a giant breast pump costume in the basement, Vanessa Manilafolders is trolling the streets of Manila looking for a Filipino orphan baby with a huge rack and a woodchuck face who could pass as her and Nick Lachey's child. Jessica is NOT going to beat Vanessa to a very special "Ahs Finally Have The Baby Of My Dreams!" cover of Life & Style. Even if Vanessa has to slather grape jelly on that Filipino orphan, shove it up her twat and then push it out in front of the paparazzi, Jessica is not going to win ever! | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
True story: That cat was an emaciated, hairless, starving alley orphan until Salma Hayek fed it leche from her world-saving UNICEF chichis - Hollywood Tuna Somebody issue a CITIZEN'S ARREST on Ryan Gosling for going to a talk show without his mohawk dog that eats apples or peaches or whatever - Lainey Gossip This is how all word fights should play out - The Berry I see Leelee Sobieski asked her make-up artist to give her the "alien on bathtub meth" look - The Superficial A check is a check no matter whose taint you have to lick to get it - Celebitchy Leisha Haley says the kiss was just that, a kiss - Towleroad Annalynne McCord's nalgas look like two latte pies in that skirt (No, I don't know what a latte pie is either) - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather If DanRad throws in a dog locket with an autographed picture of his Equus peen in it, then I'll take Padfoot! - The Daily What Because looking at Hugh Jackman's nipples never gets old - Just Jared The words "easy, breezy, beautiful" just came on my mind - Hollywood Rag Chris Brown is a knee licker - ICYDK This is exactly what it looks like when The Situation doesn't rub topical ointment on his genital wart for weeks - Videogum Never change, Gremlin Frankie, never change - Crunk + Disorderly It's like Joseph Gordon-Levitt is fucking himself between the eyes - I'm Not Obsessed And I just learned how to say "awwww" 21 different ways - Cityrag When Kurt Met Blaine - OMG Blog | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 27th! | Top |
via The Berry (Thanks C) | |
| Scott Disick Is A Big Dick With A Big Dick | Top |
By the looks of that picture, Scott Disick must be a grower (with the help of a Brooks Brothers penis pump, a peen extender, three layers of dick padding and an injection of Khloe Hormones) and not a shower. Scott Disick (as always, the "s" is silent) is a big walking penis with a side urethra that spits out verbal piss on the regular, but the Kardashian Klan is also trying to make us believe that deep in his Ralph Lauren trousers is a monster that can beat Khloe Kardashian in an arm wrestling competition for the last large pizza on the eatin' table. xoJane.com (via UsWeekly) brought up the dick size situation of the newest Kardashian prisoner and Pimp Mama Kris' whores quickly changed the focus and instead talked about how Scott Disick's dick is the most useful thing in the family since it can catch peanuts and juggle apples. Jane: We're getting the hook -- they're telling us we're out of time! Okay, wait -- is Kris [Humpries] well endowed? They all think he is. Kourtney is about the size of a Snooki, so any dick would look Khloe-sized next to her. That settles that. But why is Kim giggling at the mention of the word p-e-n-i-s. Ho, please. I hate it when whores don't remember where they came from. Kim needs to stop acting like if Scott dropped chocolate sauce on his crotch, she wouldn't snap for a camera crew and command her pussy to assume the lock jaw position. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Scenes From Lindsay Lohan's Daycare Center | Top |
| If you're impressed with dude's CapriSun bonging style, then you should see his Juicy Juice keg stand skills! Oh, and the answer to all of the questions in your head is: Florida. That is all. via The Daily What | |
| Demi Moore And Ashton Kutcher Are Totally Getting A Divorce This Time | Top |
Lainey Gossip says that tomorrow's cover of Star Magazine will make absolutely no one clutch at their anal beads in SHOCK by featuring this headline: "World Exclusive It's Over! Demi & Ashton's $290 million divorce!" Actually, let me take a Magic Eraser to my last comment and correct myself. Everybody will be clutching at their anal beads, because we're actually living on a planet where an empty douche bottle in a Jesus mask and a Kyle Richards impersonator are worth $290 million together. Lainey says that Star is practically echoing their story from this time last year and saying that Ashton Kutcher's wandering peen hasn't stopped slipping into side pieces and Demi Moore can no longer mask the pain by unmasking her non-biodegradable body parts in a bathroom bikini photo shoot for her Twitter followers. There's not many details from Star's story other than that mess, but The Dirty (via Gather) got an e-mail from someone who claims that their friend helped Asshole Kutcher in his never-ending pursuit to beat Tiger Woods' man whore record. Nik, I'm going to be straight to the point. I'm a female who works at "Don't speak for us." - Most people on earth to Sara Leal's friend Demi and Ashton haven't been photographed next to each other in a little while and that's a red flag right there. Demi might not be able to force herself to rub her shellacked body of desperation on Ashton's man slut stick, but she's always been able to put on a brave face for the sake of the paparazzi's cameras! My thoughts and prayers are with Demi and Ashton's Twitter followers at this time. It will be hard at first to only follow Ashton every other weekend (not including holidays), but they'll eventually get through this difficult time. Here's Demi looking a little Rimes-ish with Jennifer Aniston, Alicia Keys and Swizz Beak at last night's NYC premiere of Lifetime's Five. | |
| RiRi Needs To Take Her Titty Balls To Church, So Says A Northern Irish Farmer | Top |
A farmer from Northern Ireland, who obviously didn't know that the demure Barbadian pearl that is RiRi never leaves her oyster without her chichi cleavage out, jumped out of his tractor and covered the innocent eyes of his wheat stalks with tiny blindfolds after he drove by and noticed that she was shaking her goodies all over the place. 61-year-old Alderman Alan Graham gave RiRi permission to shoot the video for her single "We Found Love" on his grain field in Bangor, but he immediately shut down her ho shit behavior when his pure eyes burned from the smoke of hot sin wafting off of her red hanky breasts. Alderman Alan Graham jumped off his tractor and chased RiRi around the field while trying to cleanse her skanktimonious soul with the bible passages that came out of his mouth. Once Alderman rid his fields of RiRi's dark-sided mammaries, he had this to say to the BBC: "I thought it was inappropriate. I requested them to stop and they did. I had my conversation with Rihanna and I hope she understands where I'm coming from. We shook hands. Something tells me this has less to do with the fact that Farmer Alan thinks that RiRi needs to gently lay her tits on the altar and get right with the Lord, and more with the fact that her yodeling voice makes crucifixes turn upside down. How can Farmer Alan expose his grain field to the sounds of the Illuminati goat farm? | |
| Clarification Alert: Only L.A. Gays Are Total Sluts | Top |
| Patti Stanger, The Millionaire Matchmaker who has a success rate of zero, set b-holes on fire and earned a temporary place on GLAAD's hit list on Sunday night when she opened up her dumb dumpster box of a mouth and said that gays can't stick with one peen, all Jewish men lie and nobody wants to roll around with a queen. This was not breaking news to those who know that Patti has been terrorizing the straight people and curly-haired communities for years with the ridiculous Tsunami of wet shit that pours off of her rat tongue all the time. But after some called for Patti to be thrown into Bravo's trash pile with Showdog Mom & Dads (Never 4Get), Patti quickly Twatted out an "I'm Sowwy" note. Patti then brought her guinea pig in a wig-looking ass to Joy Behar's show and clarified that she wasn't talking about ALL GAYS, she was only talking about L.A. gays! Patti dipped the generalizations she made on Watch What Happens Live in concrete when she said this to Joy Behar (as transcribed by Towleroad): "In the show when we do the mixers, the guys are passing around the telephone numbers, they're sleeping with each other, even affter the millionaire gets the date he's sleeping with the pool of people. My (gay) friend...says 'Patti this is what it's like around the country.' This is the gay community. I said, 'I'm trying to curb them.' Now this is not the lesbian. The lesbian gets involved. They move in together. They're quiet. They're at peace. But the gay men. They whip it out at eyelock. They get involved, and then they find out later whether or not they want a serious relationship. And I hope they use the privilege in New York of gay marriage, because now they have it. And a lot of gays aren't getting married, even though they have the privilege." Patti then said that she's like the Norma Rae of gay marriage and has been an advocate since the beginning of gay time. Patti's right. She once took a break from her busy schedule of yelling at The Hot Topic Twins to pose in a Lee Press-On campaign sponsored by NOH8. But we're all missing the bigger point here: who in the hell takes Patti Stanger seriously? The only reason why I watched The Millionaire Matchmaker is because I love love love how wrong she is about everything. There should be a disclaimer at the beginning that reads: Whatever Patti Says To Do, Do The Opposite. How can you seriously take the advice of a mutated ostrich egg who tells you to keep your chonies on during the first date? That makes no sense. If I don't fuck a trick on the first date, how do I know if I want to fuck them on the second date? Answer that, Patti! And as a gay whose best slut moments were lived out in the L.A. area, I have no comment on her "all L.A. gays are sluts" comment. | |
| Like A Love Letter To Joel McHale, Nancy Grace's Nipple Comes Out To Play | Top |
By now you've probably already pulled out your eyeballs with rusty pliers, marinated them in a pot full of boiling chloroform and shoved them back into your sockets just so you can send a roll of duct tape to the Dancing with the Stars Costume Department Attention: Nancy Grace's Nipple Handler (aka Satan). But coming to Dlisted proves that you hate yourself so you might as well fully hate yourself by getting a second serving of Nancy's NSFW succulent titty pepperoni. It was only a matter of time before "Nancy Grace nip slip" became the #1 search term on AOL in the ninth circle (Yes, in the ninth circle they only have dial-up AOL with NO SECOND PHONE LINE). Last week, Nancy's chichis were jumping around like her sanity cell trying to find the door marked "Exit" in her brain. It was bound to happen. Nancy's dance partner is a hot piece in every way so you really can't blame her chichis for popping a boner of sorts. But seriously, Nancy's peek-a-boo nipple plate was a win for three reasons: a) The West Coast cutaway shot of the NOT AMUSED audience members was the perfect response to Nancy's slippery nipple. b) A Nancy Grace nip slip is like a "Who's the sexy bitch now?" wink at Casey Anthony. c) Dancing with the Stars definitely needs more nipple slips (I'm looking at you, Tom Berg). It should really just be Nip Slipping with the Stars. Here's Nancy doing the Quickstep as her nipple did the Quickjump: And Nancy's nip might've been the breakout (literally) star of the night, but the runner-up was definitely the hot lady on Tom B's right who got some much-needed camera time before J.R. Martinez's dance: Must've been hypnotized (or temporarily blinded) by the nipples in the air. (Thanks Travis!) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 26th! | Top |
That was the last time Jed invoked Ceiling Cat's name in vain. - gina latina Runners-up: Khloe's Spanx finds continued purpose helping others trap men into marriage. - maejones Effing James Franco has to turn even the simple act of getting into his dorm loft into performance art. - zachhcaz In 6 days the beer drinking douche shall come forth from its cocoon. - jefftexas via Evil Milk | |
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