The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Chris Gaines Did It Better
- Beyonce Says It All With A STUNT QUEEN Pose
- Open MTV VMAs Post: Hosted By Rainbow Barf
| Chris Gaines Did It Better | Top |
| Looking like a young Ray Romano's failed audition for the Dustin Hoffman role in Midnight Cowboy, Lady CaCa busted into a way too long high school drama class monologue at the beginning of the MTV VMAs tonight. This shit made me wish that the MTV censors mistook Caca for Andrew Dice Clay and banned him all over again. How are you going to untuck your tuck and not bring any bulge to the stage? For once, Brit Brit's heavily medicated face said it all so I didn't have to: Brit Brit is either wondering why she's the one with a conservator and can't even wipe her possum poon without a handler standing over her to hand her a court-appointed piece of toilet paper, or she's wondering why the Middle Eastern mechanic she huffed freon with during her gas station hopping days is on stage at the VMAs. And here's Brit Brit with her piece Jason Trawick . Nothing takes a dude from Sam Merlotte Lite to Willard like a middle part. | |
| Beyonce Says It All With A STUNT QUEEN Pose | Top |
| Announcing you've got a womb full of baby on the cover of People Magazine or in a Tweet is way too simple and bougie for Beyonce . Bitch always likes to do things get extra. And so at the MTV VMAs tonight, Beyonce swept in wearing a curtain from LaQuinta Inn and dramatically said it all by framing her holy baby cocoon. The sky opened up, everybody fell to their knees, Solange let out a holler from the basement that sounded like angels burping in unison and Three Kings rode in on Jay-Z. It was like the pre-show for the second coming. Or maybe none of that happened and everybody just looked at Beyonce like, "Bitch, why are you posing like my fat uncle after Thanksgiving dinner when he wants to show everyone how much crap he ate?" People says that Beyonce cradled her bump (that's not even bigger than my gut when I try to suck in during lights-on fuck time) and said that "she's got a surprise ." Beyonce's rep also confirmed that the seed of Jay-Z is alive and well in Beyonce's Womb of Derriere. Beyonce announcing it like a true STUNT QUEEN is just hilarious. Beyonce knew that everybody would lose their shit, shove it back up their asses and lose it again if she just coyly held it like that. I'm surprised a chorus of angel cherubs carrying adorable bundles of wigs with lips on them weren't dancing around her. That being said, let's all hail Beysus Jayssiah Oprah Carter Knowles (that's totally what she's going to name it). | |
| Open MTV VMAs Post: Hosted By Rainbow Barf | Top |
| MTV is handing out silver-plated Buzz Aldrin trophies tonight to hos whose videos they've played like twice because they're too busy playing reruns of Jersey Whores and focusing on teen vaginas full of baby head. I can't drunk blog that mess this year, because I'm in California playing nurse to my mom and MTV's stupid ass isn't showing it live on the West Coast. Every live feed I've come across is about as reliable as a coke head's dick. It's up, it's down, it's a mess. So you're on your own! Unless.....one of you East Coast sluts want to Skype me and perform the show for me as it's happening with help from your cats, your sock doll collection, an empty bottle of Strawberry Hill and a dildo with a Barbie's scalped mane on top of it. That shit will probably be more entertaining. And here's the Jersey Shore whores looking like the discharge that dripped out of Hurricane Irene's pink eye. Correction: JWoah, Snooki and that other one look like Hurricane Irene's pink eye discharge. Deena doesn't. If Charo threw a Rainbow Brite doll, Danny DeVito's head shot, swap meet contacts, a patch of mangy wookie fur and her old prom dress into a blender, blended until it liquefied, poured it into an enema bag and then shoved it up her culito, Deena looking like that would come dancing out. | |
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