Monday, August 29, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Marilyn Manson's Girlfriend Is A Demure And Natural Flower Top
Say what you want about Marilyn Manson (examples: he's turning into an old Lydia from Beetlejuice , a chick has to dip her coochie in make-up remover whenever he eats her out, he's definitely getting too old for this shit, etc...), but he always manages to pluck the most graceful flowers out of the WTF garden and his latest piece is no exception. Marilyn left Chateau Marmont last night with a gorgeous specimen who wore an elegant peek-a-puss dress exclusively from Bristol Palin's prom night collection, a pair of Lee Presson gloves, a puffy pussy patch (for shy sluts who believe you should leave labia to the imagination) and a face that could beat Kim Kardashian's face in a natural beauty competition. I like to call this perfect look: So THIS is what happened to Baby Jane. Marilyn's ex pieces all say that living with him is about as pleasant as a wet fart to the face, but I have a feeling this one's going to last. Mostly because she's wearing a mask and probably can't see his face too good.
 
It's Racist Out There For Basement Baby And Her Giant Inflatable Banana Friend Top
A revolution is brewing deep under the basement between a young black mother with a giant inflatable banana friend and the RACIST police officers in Miami Beach who just won't let a young black mother party with her giant inflatable banana friend! It all started when Beyonce , who is too busy these days barking at the House of Derriere sweat shop workers to bedazzle those pregnancy pantaloons faster, accidentally left the basement door open and out crawled Solange and her banana friend with a look in their eyes (or in her banana friend's case, his " blow hole" ) that said they were ready to paint the town with trouble. Before you wonder why Basement Baby's best friend is a giant inflatable banana, I should let you know it was either the banana, one of Kelly Rowland's crusty wig caps or a sculpture of her son Juelz she made out of moth balls. Yeah, your choices for a best friend are limited down in the basement. TMZ says that on Sunday, Basement Baby and her banana friend made their way to Club Cameo in Miami Beach and tried to get in. They would not let Basement Baby's banana friend in and told her she had to leave that bitch on the curb. Now, Basement Baby reads a lot of old Life Magazines down in the basement so she knows that if she left a giant banana alone on the streets of Miami Beach, some drunk slut whore would fuck it right there or Tina Knowles would snatch it up and turn it into another skirt for her precious Beyonce. Basement Baby couldn't let that happen so she flipped the uppity bitch switch. When the cops showed up, Basement Baby told them that the club refused to let her in because she's black and not because she's carrying a gigantic banana friend with her. The cops say they took Basement Baby across the street to calm her down. Basement Baby says that when the cops took her across the street, they pulled out a knife and tried to murder her gigantic banana friend! Basement Baby hopped on her Twitter and let it be known in so many words that this would never happen to a young white woman with a banana friend: I have literally had my last leg with discriminating police! Miami police department will be notified. A police officer just pulled a weapon on me.... I have done NOTHING illegal, against the law, or anything of the sort. I am simply tired of police using arrogance, ego and authority as an offense. I'm only tweeting this to raise awareness. I could have left quietly, but I am sick & tired of this scenario being played over & over again. I'm ok. I'm safe & sound at my apartment. I'm just beyond frustrated with the system. It is time to do something about it. I am a mother raising a young black child in America. Im going to die trying! Been on the phone for the last 20 minutes reporting this incident. Yes, I have the officers name. Yes, I have the location. Scare tactics don't WORK. I'm with Basement Baby! I'd tell her to raise a fist with me, but I don't want her to hit one of the ceiling tiles and wake the asbestos. In this day and age, we should be able to get drunk with our banana friends in a Miami club and walk the streets with them without some RACIST cop threatening to pop 'em to death. We're going to fight! It's what our foremother, Chiquita Banana, would want. If you're with us, take to the streets when you hear our march song.
 
Afternoon Crumbs Top
It's like the entire country of Japan all jacked off on Nicki Minaj . I guess Miss Japan is going to have to find a new National Costume to wear to the Miss Universe pageant - The Superficial Sofia Coppola got married in the Easter dress you wore to get your picture taken with the mall bunny when you were a toddler - Lainey Gossip Taylor Lautner's " priss bottom taking a niner" face is a thing of beauty - Towleroad JWoww's face and JWoww's fake titty balls are in a competition to see who can be the most plastic by the end of the year - Hollywood Tuna Sarah Jessica Parker's veiny hard dick arms come out to play. No wonder Matthew Broderick sticks around - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Baby Jesus needs to stop leaking the naked cell phone pictures Madge sent him - The Daily What Adele's got that Suzanne Sugarbaker hair - Celebitchy Horseula vants to suck your carrots - Just Jared It's good to know that candy wigs will survive the Apocalypse - The Berry At first I thought this was Tina Fey and I was so confused - Popoholic Stepford Katie is a fug mess from that cock crooked smile to those cartoon death eye boots - ICYDK Ryan Reynolds is obviously stopping by Sandra Bullock's house to stick his firefly in her garden - Popsugar If the Sandman gave Helen Lovejoy a facial - SOW Four words: Colin Farrell peen print - I'm Not Obsessed Jojo still exists - Hollywood Rag Olivia Wilde is hungry - Cityrag The only thing Sammi Sweetfart and Deena DeVito should be endorsing is penicillin shots - OMG Blog Andrew Garfield is really fucking method - Videogum
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 29th! Top
Quick Note : My Driving Miss Daisy duties start today, so this hanging ass crack might be at the top for a little while. There shouldn't be anymore interruptions in service for the next three weeks while I drive my mom to physical therapy (aka happy hour) since I'm training her on how to transcribe my blog posts from the backseat. Now you know why nearly every post will just have the line "Where did I go wrong as a parent?!" written over and over again. via Picture Is Unrelated
 
Presented Almost Without Comment: Michele Bachmann Asks The Real Questions Top
And just like that, I have my new voicemail greeting. Disclaimer: In Michele Bachmann's defense, a band called the White People Soul Band played at that same event. But I'd still like to think that when Michele enters any room, she opens those crazy sockets to Crazyville and takes a tally of all white people lovers in the place. UPDATE : Mediate says Michele actually said " wet people " not " white people ." Even better! via Joe My God
 
Open Post: Hosted By Courtney Stodden's 17th Birthday Top
As the ghost of Michael Jackson moonwalks into Gary, Indiana's Office of Vital Records to change the born date on his birth certificate to any day but today, the garden lizard with first degree porn face that is Courtney Stodden is turning 17 (in porn iguana years) today. It's official: 17 is the new 47! Courtney cooed out to Radar that she was going to spend her birthday with her 51-year-old plastic gay robot husband at Disneyland, but since they're both wrapped in extra thin mannequin wax and California is being fucked with a heat wave, they're going to stay inside and write more Tweets like this: While I lie beneath this sizzling-sun, the popsicle that I am sweetly sucking on begins to melt & drips irresistibly all over my moist body! Celebrating the last night of being sweet-n-sexy 16 by wearing NOTHING but my tasty bday-suit! Mmm; Yummy! ;-) When you're a 17-year-old girl who writes shit that is straight out of Gay Al's script for an episode of The Red Shoe Diaries, you should hug your pimp mother for doing something right. Happy Birthday, Courtney. May we all look like we're having a permanent hot flash when we turn 17 for the 30th time!
 
An Orgasm In Four Words: Prince Hot Ginge Wet Top
There's really not much to say about this priceless shit since I really should be using my keystrokes to write to that club in Croatia and ask them when I should expect them to start selling pre-lubed plastic dildo bottles of Prince Hot Ginge's pool water. (Note: There's no need for them to put a warning label stating that the chlorine may sting if ingested through any orifice since my b-hole is way past the point of feeling anything.) I love that PHG dances like a constipated grandpa on low-grade Ecstasy at a beginners Hokey Pokey class. I love that PHG dresses like a middle-aged father of 3 at an all-inclusive time share resort in the Caribbean. I love that the sweet nectar put PHG's sense of balance on pause and he tries to make it look like he meant to fall into that pool. I love that PHG gets back up and doesn't let a pool fuck with his funky chicken moves. And most of all, I love that as PHG has the drips, I too have the... Okay, I'm stopping. It's only Monday and I have the rest of the week to give you dark-sided visuals that even your hypnotherapist can't help you erase.
 
Matthew Fox Might Have Punched A Party Bus Driver In The Tits Top
File this under: Now this mess should've been the real ending to Lost . Jack Sawyer ( real name: Matthew Fox ) is currently shooting a movie in Cleveland, Ohio, and on Saturday night he was all ready to party like he's going back to the island but not everybody was down with his plan. TMZ says that Matthew was trying to get on a private party bus even though his ass wasn't on the list. The bus driver tried to party block Matthew and refused to let him on. Heather Bormann said that Matthew must've been drinking too many of those Dharma-tinis, because he was every kind of drunk and had no idea what she was saying. When Heather tried to get him off the bus, Matthew allegedly used his Party of Five fingers to punch her in the chichis and then followed it up with a fist to the gunt. Heather says that he kept crotch punching at her so she had to stop his fists from flying by punching him back in the jaw. Matthew fell back as he spat up blood. Heather said she did it in self-defense and to stop drunk Matthew from giving her black and blue nipples. Matthew was handcuffed by the police but never arrested. They released him to a friend who took him back to the hotel. Unless you're on the Chris Brown Party Bus, what kind of asshole tries to fist a vag and turns a pair of titties into punching bags? Well, I guess we're living in a world where Jack's new saying is " Live together, drunk punch pussies and titties alone ."
 
The Lesbeaver Brought Out His Vanilla Snake Last Night..... Top
If that isn't a " this is not what I was talking about when I asked your girl ass to grow a vanilla snake already" look from Selena Gomez , then I don't know what is. At last night's first annual The Spawn of Beyonce and Jay-Z Birth Announcement Ceremony, Justin Bieber couldn't make it so Rachel Maddow graciously came in his place and brought along the newest fashion accessory for kindergarten power lezzies: a snake named Johnson . Really, The Lesbeaver named his snake Johnson and brought it out for everybody to pet. This is why most little ass children shouldn't go through puberty under the spotlight, because they do stupid shit like this thinking it's cute. Usher, come and get your daughter! That poor snake is probably trying to figure out how to make a noose out of its tail so it can end this foolery. Besides, Baby Sandy Duncan isn't butching up his look by carrying around a snake. He can fart out snakes, snails and puppy dog tails all he wants, but we all know he's really made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Nice try, Lesbeaver!
 

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