The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
| That Dog..... | Top |
| Here's Halle Berry arriving at her new boyfriend Olivier Martinez's home in Paris and receiving a warm welcome from his dog friend. A dog friend that looks a little shifty in the eyes to me. A dog friend I don't really trust. A dog friend that takes me back... So, when I first moved to NYC (cue smoke and a rippling screen effect), I met some dude online late one night. We agreed to meet at some bar and eventually we ended up back at his apartment. As soon as he started to put his key in, I heard this bad omen of a bark coming from the other side of the door. The bark was so deep and angry that I knew what the princess felt like in Clash of the Titans when the Kraken was coming at her. Right before we go in, the dude says to me, " Oh, I have a dog. " DUH! Either he has a dog, or his German grandmother should really quit the cigs. When we finally get inside, this gigantic beast of an animal immediately jumps on the dude and the two sort of slobber on each other while moving around a bit. Like they're in fucking Dancing with the Stars ! Then the dog looks at me, and I'm thinking to myself " Fuck the internet" because I know I'm about to touch crotches with a dog. This is not how the game is supposed to play out. If you haven't already figured out by now, this dog was huge. Like " if Marmaduke was a Hogan " huge. Enormous. My main goal was just to get it done and get out of there. We get to business and quickly ended up on the bed. Well, guess who showed up and made himself comfortable without an invitation! THAT DAMN DOG! As soon as the buzz killing dog hit the sheets, the dude goes, " Oh, he has to get on the bed with me or he'll start whining. " The hell? Here's the condom, I'll hit the mood music while I'm making my way out so you two can be alone! But since I'm the kind of slut who doesn't like to quit a gig until it's done no matter what the conditions are, I stayed. Things are starting to get a little wet and heavy, so the dude starts to moan a bit (yeah, he's one of those). This made me even more nervous, because what if the dog thought I was attacking his owner and bit my asshole off! That would be the worst. Image laying on your stomach in the ER and telling the doctors around you, " Um. A dog sort of bit my asshole off. It was unprovoked!" A dozen " Yeah, suuuure " looks would fill their faces as they search whatever is left of my asshole for peanut butter or dog gravy. Again, this is not how the game is supposed to play out. Just when I begin to forget about the spoiled dog, I hear him licking at his bits and it's loud! It sounded like my abuelita mopping the kitchen linoleum. That dog isn't only made of evil, it's made of saliva too. It's like he was joining in. You know, because we were licking each other's parts and there's the dog licking his right next to us. Menage a NO! NO! NO! That pretty much killed what was left of the moment, which wasn't much. I finally get through it, and just as I'm starting to put on my clothes the dude says, " You're not staying. " UM. Did he not experience what I experienced?! Stay for what? So I could eventually end up sleeping on the Ikea rug on the floor while he spoons with Marmadevil on the bed? I couldn't get out of that hell hole of bestiality fast enough! But as I'm starting to leave, I look over at beast master and I swear that dog winked at me like, " Bye, whore." And you know it wasn't the first time or the last time he gave that wink. Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I hope Olivier Martinze's dog isn't anything like that or else Halle Berry better invest in some armor for her asshole. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 28th! | Top |
| Dear users of the New York Church of Scientology Lately, bogus baby vendors have been known to operate outside our main entrance. Please do not encourage illegal vendors and only purchase your fake wives and babies from the church foyer. Kind regards, the Management - Emeriesan Runners-up: The baby doll dress is back in style again this summer, I see. - WhiskeyTango In defense of Katy Perry's Sesame Street performance, Big Bird went out and finally revealed what he was hiding beneath his feathers all these years. - ReallyNow The first and only contestant auditioning for the Octomom dating show - fantasiesdecay ( Thanks Susan ) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Lord Jesus Christ III , a black transsexual artist who has been banned from a library in Belchertown, MA. Yes, Lord Jesus Christ BANNED! Where are the lightning bolts? Why hasn't that library been sucked into a dark cloud above? Why haven't the angels shattered all the windows with their cries of injustice? Eh, maybe God is catching up on Mad Men. He'll get to it when he gets to it. The Clapp Memorial Library (that's short for " The Gonorrhea Memorial Library ") has pulled out the welcome mat for Lord Jesus Christ III, because they have had it with his frolicking and foolery. They have risked their own place in line up in heaven by issuing a no-trespass order for Miss JC3. The library director tells MassLive.com they were forced to put Miss JC3 out after he continued to bother patrons and employees by always asking for pens and cutting in line. They gave him plenty of warnings, but he hasn't turned his behavior around. BUT, Miss Jesus Christ, who is the result of Miss Cleo's immaculate conception on Rick James' birthday, is giving a very different sermon. He thinks the library is discriminating against him, because as he puts it, " I'm black, I'm transsexual and my name is Lord Jesus Christ. " JC3 says that he doesn't bother anybody and simply sits at the computers for 3 hours at a time with his eyes on the screen. According to him, the library can't deal with his zest and has asked him to cover up his goodness several times. He doesn't understand where this is coming from since other tricks show up to the library wearing less clothes than he does. JC3 plans to take them all to court. The library still denies that they banned him due to the way he looks. Let's go over this, he is black, he's transsexual and his full name is Lord Jesus Christ. And he has a face like Meshach Taylor, a wardrobe like early years Jody Watley and dreads like George Clinton. Miss JC3 shouldn't be on the banned list, he should have a permanent throne inside of the computer lab! The library has committed a million sins. The library in hell doesn't use the Dewey Decimal System, so those hating hos better think about that before they mess with Miss JC3! I would say " May Jesus Christ be with them ", but it's obvious that he isn't! (For Amber) | |
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