The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Guess Who?
- Today's Dose Of Glamoooooooooooor Brought To You By Angelyne
- Try To Cut In Line, Get Smacked The Hell Up By Omar Sharif
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 27th!
- Open Post: Hosted By Baby Zachary
- Ass Sex: You're Doing It Wrong
- Food Poisoning + A Slippery Shower = THIS
- Kris Humphries Wasn't Kim Kardashian's First Choice For A Fake Husband
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
| Guess Who? | Top |
No, this is not the creature that bloomed out when someone watered one of Snooki's bump-its with the blood of Pennywise. This is Melissa McCarthy from Mike & Molly, Glimore Girls and Bridesmaids working a pair of Down Jones eyebrows and widow's peak lipstick as Divine in Pink Flamingos for Entertainment Weekly. This is just a whole lot of Xtravaganzaaaaa in red latex and a whole lot of YES!!!! I really hope that whoever watches Mike & Molly sees this, Googles "Divine" and then watches all of the classic dog shit eating scene. Because the Mike & Molly audience really needs more of "Divine eating dog shit in Pink Flamingos" in their lives. That shit (literally, this time) will give them something to talk about over a meatloaf dinner. And here's another shot co-starring Pandora Boxx and Mimi Imfurst from RuPaul's Drag Race:
First Angelyne and then this? The glamour trifecta must be completed, so excuse me while I refresh the photo agency websites and hope that pictures of Shauna Sand teasing Courtney Stodden's meth weave with a neon pink comb come up. I'm knocking a piece of wood with my crossed fingers while throwing a four leaf clover over my shoulder. Or however the fuck the superstition goes. | |
| Today's Dose Of Glamoooooooooooor Brought To You By Angelyne | Top |
And imagine if you saw this vision live and in person..... The lucky soul who did probably had the day's shit covering his retinas and it all melted onto the 1-ply carpet as soon as he swung open the doors to the Kinko's (please don't make me call it FedEx Office) in Hollywood and gazed upon the Garbage Pail Goddess gracefully waiting for the photocopies of her glamour shots that she sells in the back of her trunk (true story). When Angelyne's Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? meets Popples weave swung around, he stared deep into her beautiful Japanese Chin on acid face and suddenly a shot of Pixie Stix syrup hit the back of his throat. Angelyne grabbed her copies, fluffed her vintage Limited Too! jacket and disappeared into the sunlight in a cloud of cotton candy powder. As soon as he got home, he fell back onto his bed to recover from the beauty he witnessed today and suddenly he felt something poking him in the back. He rolled over and found two Strawberry Skittles and a pink ecstasy tab waiting for him. Of course, he made a Strawberry Skittles and ecstasy sandwich, and then popped it into his mouth. He fell back onto his bed for a second time, stared at the glittery popcorn ceiling above him and allowed his insides to dance to the imaginary music in his head as all of the glittery popcorn ceiling fell around him like gay snow. That's when he knew that if his eyes were never blessed by the vision of the Fraggle Rock Queen none of this would be happening. What I'm getting at is that Angelyne is magic. What I'm also getting at is that Angelyne makes people temporarily high, which explains this fucking post. | |
| Try To Cut In Line, Get Smacked The Hell Up By Omar Sharif | Top |
Omar Sharif is an Oscar-nominated actor, the star of Lawrence of Arabia and today he's known as a crusty old cunt who will bitch slap a trick if she gets out of line. Literally. TMZ brings us this clip of 79-year-old Omar posing for pictures with his fans at a film festival in Qatar today when one lady scoots up and stands there. Just like your abuelita when you tried to get a piece of cake at a birthday party without asking, Pepaw Omar growled at the lady and then made her hair fly by slapping at her. That shit was like a chancelta slap without the chancelta. Since no slap down is complete without a serious talking to, Omar lectured the grown woman on the rules of waiting for a picture with a famous corroded asshole. The Washington Post translated that shit like this: "My dear! I told you I'd get to you afterwards! I just said that and you're standing here. Put something in your brain! ...........I'm sorry." More like put something in your checking account, bitch! Seriously, what gets me is that homegirl is standing there, awkwardly smiling. Is she in shock? Is she not sure what just happened? Does she not know how to react? You always have to be prepared for foolery like this. When life slaps you with Omar Sharif's hand, you make slapanade out of that shit. You clutch your neck, you scream out in pain, you oh-so dramatically wither to the ground and you shout at your loved ones to call Gloria Allred first, the media second and an ambulance third. Then you scream out your checking account and routing number to Omar Sharif so he knows where to send his Funny Girl royalties from now on. You make it A SCENE and call it A CRIME until it starts to rain money on you. As my spirit animal Khia says, "#GETMONEYBITCH!" | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
The shiny sliver on Duchess Catherine's head that some hos thought was a hair extension is actually a childhood surgery scar. Whoops. She should've theatrically revealed this ala Dr. Kimberly Shaw on Melrose Place with dramatic music and everything. - Lainey Gossip Sad twat is sad - The Superficial Mo'Nique is speaking out for marriage equality so I will refrain from commenting on her uneven eyebrow situation at this time - Towleroad Dear Madge's homeless alcoholic brother, get thee to Malawi, try to blend in with the orphans and maybe she'll adopt you - Celebitchy Spaz de la Huerta bares her crotch bush for Terry Richardson. Unfortunately, that description is not served with a side of penicillin - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Kate Bosworth looks like a malnourished Monarch Butterfly that came out of the cocoon too soon - Popsugar Victoria Justice looks a mess - Hollywood Tuna Victoria's Secret's $2.5 million bra looks a mess - Popoholic Rachel Cuchitel is a mess who is going to be somebody's messy mother soon - ICYDK Tom Felton on Fault Men - The Berry Urban Outfitters' favorite couple is still a couple - Just Jared Corgis in costumes! - OMG Blog Herman Cain is the President of campaign ads (and pizza) - Videogum Meanwhile, my dog is looking at me like, "Bitch, don't look at me like that. I'm not fucking up with these paws for shit." - The Daily What Disclaimer: Beyonce's new video (YES! A FUCKING 'NOTHER ONE!) was inspired by My Name Is Earl, Khia and every Spears family reunion - Crunk + Disorderly This is one of those times where I mistake Eva Longoria for Maria Shriver - Cityrag Courtney Stodden's natural beauty really comes out when she stands next to a piece of skank trash - I'm Not Obsessed BROW EMERGENCY! BROW EMERGENCY! All units please respond and head directly toward Patricia Arquette's face - Hollywood Rag | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 27th! | Top |
| Open Post: Hosted By Baby Zachary | Top |
Here's Elton John, David Furnish and their son Baby Zachary struttin' out of a NYC hotel with satchels in hand this morning. And here's Baby Zachary either trying to cry or trying to smile. Or maybe the paparazzo who took this picture was wearing a really hideous hat.
Print out this picture and give your facial muscles the day off. Anytime a fool around you does something eeeeesh-worthy (examples: wears these, has this face on, sings this song, etc...), just put this picture over your face. Thanks, Baby Zachary! | |
| Ass Sex: You're Doing It Wrong | Top |
Some things you just can't find in a Lonely Planet travel guide. Here's one of those things: In the Zimbabwe town of Zvishavane exists the wrong stuff that when snorted or smoked causes your brain to seep out the kind of fuckery-coated hallucinations that not even Alan Ball could dream up. That is one of my only explanations for why this happened. The Sun (of course) reports that a 28-year-old nasty ass fucker named Sunday Moyo (quick side whisper: that's a really good drag name) was arrested on Monday in Zvishavane after he was caught doing a donkey the way no bitch should do a donkey without getting permission from said donkey first. The police found Sunday performing a sex act on the donkey who was lying on the floor while tied to a tree. Earth to PETA, stop photographing F-list titties and get on this. Shit. Sunday was charged with bestiality and the court ordered him to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Why must his head be analyzed by mental health professionals, you ask? Well, first of all, he raped a donkey. Second of all, the power of crazy was with him in full force when he told the court the reason for why he fucked a donkey: "Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested. Why do I have a feeling that this same speech came out of Brenda Song's mouth when her mother asked her why she was marrying Trace Cyrus? | |
| Food Poisoning + A Slippery Shower = THIS | Top |
Do not let the state of Steven Tyler's bruised, battered and busted face fool you. There is not a patch of dirt under the wagon with his face print on it. Steven told Matt Lauer on Today this morning that booze nor drugs is to blame for why he looks like one of the Cyrus aunties after fighting Noah for the last jug of XXX at a possum roast. Aerosmith had to postpone a show in Paraguay by one day, because bitch went boom in the shower. Steven was taken to a nearby hospital where doctors stitched up the cuts on his forehead and dentists replaced the two toofs that knocked out of his mouth when he hit the shower floor. The Ruth Bader Ginsburg of rock said he that totally understands if bitches think his fall was due to him being a sloppy messy drunk since all of his past falls happened due to him being a sloppy messy drunk. But this time, food poisoning led to his b-hole playing "Shit This Way" on a loop, which led to dehydration, which led to weakness, which led to his face eating shower floor. Steven went on to say that he's 100% sober and "we flew last night from Paraguay after that incident and we're in Argentina for two hours. And anyone who knows anyone who uses substances wouldn't be up at this hour having a talk with Matt Lauer and the rest of America." Steven's unfortunate accident can be best explained through my favorite song: "When you think your friends are joking but your pants are brown and soaking: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When your chillin' with your daughter and you feel the poopoo water: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When you ski the Alps of France and your cocoa's in your pants: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When you're soaping up your pits and your anus starts to spit: Diarrhea, diarrhea!" If Hugh Hefner can look at that picture above and seriously say, "I would like to this offer this beautiful woman $1 million to pose naked in my magazine," then I'm totally okay with the whole "Lindsay Lohan in Playboy" thing. | |
| Kris Humphries Wasn't Kim Kardashian's First Choice For A Fake Husband | Top |
Meet 23-year-old Italian piece Danilo Gallinari, the former forward of the New York Knicks and Kim Kardashian's first choice to play her trophy husband in the multimillion dollar whoretastic shit show that was her soul-sucking manufactured wedding. That's what Wetpaint is alluding to, anyway. According to their source, before Pimp Mama Kris trapped Kris Humphries and threatened to sic Khloe on his family unless he signs his name in piss (the official ink of the Kardashian family) on a marriage contract, E! executives tried to set Kim up with Danilo. Danilo made the best decision of his life by turning those whores down and the rest is pisstory. The source claims that while shooting the first season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Danilo was wanted by Kim Kardashian and E! tried to make it happen. They told Danilo that if he started dating Kim in front of the cameras, his career would blow up like her asshole when it's forming a fart and he'd become an overnight star. Danilo said the words that Kris Humphries wish he was smart enough to say: "Thank you, but no thank you. And please tell Khloe to heel, because she's chewing on my favorite kicks." That's when E! and the Kardashian whores moved on to their next victim. This is easy to believe for two reasons: 1. You can't spell FAKE without a K (Side note: I think I might've just called myself fake too, which I guess is better than what I called myself earlier after I accidentally squirted hand lotion on my toothbrush.). 2. Kim Kardashian wanted a husband so bad that Pimp Mama Kris was about to sacrifice one of those Jenner girls to her overlord Satan and ask him to give her a Reggie Bush clone for her prized pig to marry. So I'm more than sure that Pimp Mama Kris put out a casting notice for professional athletes who don't get piss fright when asked to let out a golden shower on command. Pee S - Tommy Girl did the whole "buy a spouse" thing better. Snap. Snap. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
How do you get a B list teenage movie actress to cry? Well, if you are a foreign born B list actress who has been nominated for one of the big awards, you get caught snorting lines of coke off the bathroom sink at an event the other night, look up at the teenage actress who has just walked in unannounced and yell, "Get out of her you fucking bitch. Don't you even bother to knock?" The teenage actress turned around and cried on and off the rest of the night. (CDAN) Little Elle Fanning is more innocent and pristine than a newborn baby's first spit bubble and she was at that made-up Hollywood Film Awards Gala the other night. The only foreign born actresses there were Carey Mulligan and Rosie Huntington-Whateverly. Unless you count being #2 on Maxim's list of hottest nipples in the world as a "big award", Rosie is out. That leaves Carey Mulligan and it also leaves me with a sudden like for Carey Mulligan. This actor and actress couple is about to hit another bump. The producers of an upcoming film in which the couple stars have had a change of heart. They want to replace the wife with another actress (who we agree would be much better in the role). The replacement has been personally and professionally involved with the couple in the past, and is one of the few people who knows all the dirty details about the couple's marriage… as well as their upcoming divorce. There are an awful lot of secrets that all three of these people could use against each other, so if somebody's toes get stepped on, it will be interesting to see who starts talking first. (Blind Gossip) John Travolta and Kelly Preston are supposed to do that mess of a Gotti movie together if it ever happens, so I'll guess them. As for the other actress, I'm blank. Maybe, Kristie Alley, but she's sworn to secrecy by the Scientology oath. Whatever happens in The Xenu Club, gets audited and used against you if you ever try to leave. This Latin actor recently added another child to his family and his wife is over the moon about it. What she'd be sad to know is that he's sleeping with his co-star, a B list actress and was having sex with her when his wife was in labor. The cheaters committed to leave their partners so they could be together, and the B list actress just ended her relationship. The source says once he found out that his lover actually went through with the promise and is a free woman, he's totally turned off from the fun and has no plans to continue the affair. (BuzzFoto) Gael Garcia Bernal's got a semi-new baby in his arms, but he's not married. Benicio Del Toro's got a brand new baby in his life, but he's not even with Kimbo Stewart anymore. That leaves me with nothing. Maybe it's Zombie Ricky Ricardo and Zombie Ethel Mertz? This unlucky-in-love talk-show host is so desperate to land a husband that she's resorted to begging her celebrity pals—but NOT her more famous BFF—to help her find a spouse? The almost 60, divorced mother-of-two is determined to get married in 2012. Who is she? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Gayle King? And it looks like the search is over since she's about to get her coin slot filled with two quarters. | |
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