The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Kris Humphries Wasn't Kim Kardashian's First Choice For A Fake Husband
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Michael Lohan Gives Dumb A Bad Name
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 26th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- The Iguana Goddess And Her Gross Husband On Getting Kicked Out Of The Pumpkin
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Bruce Willis Is Spawning Again....
- Open Post: Hosted By Kim Zolciak As The Svedka Girl
| Kris Humphries Wasn't Kim Kardashian's First Choice For A Fake Husband | Top |
Meet 23-year-old Italian piece Danilo Gallinari, the former forward of the New York Knicks and Kim Kardashian's first choice to play her trophy husband in the multimillion dollar whoretastic shit show that was her soul-sucking manufactured wedding. That's what Wetpaint is alluding to, anyway. According to their source, before Pimp Mama Kris trapped Kris Humphries and threatened to sic Khloe on his family unless he signs his name in piss (the official ink of the Kardashian family) on a marriage contract, E! executives tried to set Kim up with Danilo. Danilo made the best decision of his life by turning those whores down and the rest is pisstory. The source claims that while shooting the first season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Danilo was wanted by Kim Kardashian and E! tried to make it happen. They told Danilo that if he started dating Kim in front of the cameras, his career would blow up like her asshole when it's forming a fart and he'd become an overnight star. Danilo said the words that Kris Humphries wish he was smart enough to say: "Thank you, but no thank you. And please tell Khloe to heel, because she's chewing on my favorite kicks." That's when E! and the Kardashian whores moved on to their next victim. This is easy to believe for two reasons: 1. You can't spell FAKE without a K (Side note: I think I might've just called myself fake too, which I guess is better than what I called myself earlier after I accidentally squirted hand lotion on my toothbrush.). 2. Kim Kardashian wanted a husband so bad that Pimp Mama Kris was about to sacrifice one of those Jenner girls to her overlord Satan and ask him to give her a Reggie Bush clone for her prized pig to marry. So I'm more than sure that Pimp Mama Kris put out a casting notice for professional athletes who don't get piss fright when asked to let out a golden shower on command. Pee S - Tommy Girl did the whole "buy a spouse" thing better. Snap. Snap. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
How do you get a B list teenage movie actress to cry? Well, if you are a foreign born B list actress who has been nominated for one of the big awards, you get caught snorting lines of coke off the bathroom sink at an event the other night, look up at the teenage actress who has just walked in unannounced and yell, "Get out of her you fucking bitch. Don't you even bother to knock?" The teenage actress turned around and cried on and off the rest of the night. (CDAN) Little Elle Fanning is more innocent and pristine than a newborn baby's first spit bubble and she was at that made-up Hollywood Film Awards Gala the other night. The only foreign born actresses there were Carey Mulligan and Rosie Huntington-Whateverly. Unless you count being #2 on Maxim's list of hottest nipples in the world as a "big award", Rosie is out. That leaves Carey Mulligan and it also leaves me with a sudden like for Carey Mulligan. This actor and actress couple is about to hit another bump. The producers of an upcoming film in which the couple stars have had a change of heart. They want to replace the wife with another actress (who we agree would be much better in the role). The replacement has been personally and professionally involved with the couple in the past, and is one of the few people who knows all the dirty details about the couple's marriage… as well as their upcoming divorce. There are an awful lot of secrets that all three of these people could use against each other, so if somebody's toes get stepped on, it will be interesting to see who starts talking first. (Blind Gossip) John Travolta and Kelly Preston are supposed to do that mess of a Gotti movie together if it ever happens, so I'll guess them. As for the other actress, I'm blank. Maybe, Kristie Alley, but she's sworn to secrecy by the Scientology oath. Whatever happens in The Xenu Club, gets audited and used against you if you ever try to leave. This Latin actor recently added another child to his family and his wife is over the moon about it. What she'd be sad to know is that he's sleeping with his co-star, a B list actress and was having sex with her when his wife was in labor. The cheaters committed to leave their partners so they could be together, and the B list actress just ended her relationship. The source says once he found out that his lover actually went through with the promise and is a free woman, he's totally turned off from the fun and has no plans to continue the affair. (BuzzFoto) Gael Garcia Bernal's got a semi-new baby in his arms, but he's not married. Benicio Del Toro's got a brand new baby in his life, but he's not even with Kimbo Stewart anymore. That leaves me with nothing. Maybe it's Zombie Ricky Ricardo and Zombie Ethel Mertz? This unlucky-in-love talk-show host is so desperate to land a husband that she's resorted to begging her celebrity pals—but NOT her more famous BFF—to help her find a spouse? The almost 60, divorced mother-of-two is determined to get married in 2012. Who is she? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Gayle King? And it looks like the search is over since she's about to get her coin slot filled with two quarters. | |
| Michael Lohan Gives Dumb A Bad Name | Top |
If a worm shit directly into Michael Lohan's ear, the inside of his head would produce better ideas than the ball of mashed cold dumb in there does. This cut turd out of a turtle's ass was put into handcuffs by the Tampa, FL police two days ago for threatening to throw his sometime girlfriend Kate Major off of a fourth floor balcony after she refused to suck his jerky dick and guess what happened again this morning? TMZ reports that just 12 hours after the dumbest bitch alive, seen below at the bail bondsman yesterday, was released from jail he called Kate Major even though the judge told him not to. Kate contacted the police from her apartment in Tampa early this morning after she claims Michael kept burning up her cell phone by calling over and over again. The police went to interview Kate at her apartment in person and while they were there Michael called again. The police immediately went down to his hotel to arrest him for violating a condition of his release. The last time Michael was arrested, he faked chest pains and tried to escape from the hospital when the police weren't looking. So of course, Michael was not going to disappoint us and he busted out another buffoonery move. Michael tried to escape from the police by jumping off of his third story balcony. Since Darwin is always trying to give us a laugh, Michael landed on a tree, fucking up his foot. Trees: 1 Lohans: ZERO! Michael is currently in the hospital getting his foot looked at and while he's there they should also hook a colostomy bag up to his head to pump out all of the stupid in there. Michael will also be charged with resisting arrest once he gets to the police station. Kate said this to TMZ about the whole thing: "I am sick of being lied about by Michael Lohan Sr.'s false allegations about his continual physical and mental abuse toward me." Just a couple of days ago, this charbroiled twat was threatening to throw a trick off of a fourth floor balcony and now he's the one who fell off of a balcony. If you brought me a dark-sided CROC and said to me, "Michael, meet Karma," I'd still lick every inch of it as a thank you, because this is just too too perfect. Michael is like a soothsaying dumb fuck. Whatever he threatens to do to a bitch, happens to him a couple days later. Oh, Michael, please threaten to drown Kate in a pig's shit puddle if she doesn't wrap her mouth around the grossness that is your dick. Then on Saturday morning, we'll all gather around a pig's shit puddle with our happy faces on. You bring the popcorn. And FARK can officially change their Florida tag to a Lohan tag. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For October 26th! | Top |
Not one to pass up an opportunity, Papa Lohan decides to advertise in hopes of finding that elusive blow job. - privateyz Runners-up: Lindsay Lohan's new wallpaper. - TheBrazilliant Just in time for Christmas, Mattel releases it's new social interaction game for ages 18 and up... "Pin the Dick on the Honky", in stores now. - jack-n-the-hat "Your Honor, I am wearing red because the orange jumpsuit clashes with my daughter's skin tone." - deadhead Sadly, the prison's gift shop was out of "Douche" t shirts. - tiny monkey via St. Pete Times (Thanks Katherine) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Iris Apfel, American fashion icon, serious business woman, purveyor of taste, HSN jooree designer and Arthur the Aardvark's nana who taught him that if your glasses aren't big enough to double as a cup holder for a Big Gulp, then they're not worth throwing over your face, darling. When a ho walks down the streets of Manhattan with their skin souffle top spilling out of their size 12 stretch jeans, they might get their fashion rights read to them by a glorious creature they'll mistake for an owl that got tangled up in the curtain tieback drawer at Pier 1 Imports. But it's actually the paragon of style herself, Iris Apfel! The 90-year-old hybrid of Harry Potter and Hedwig the Owl (with a dash of George Burns for good measure) has long been a tastemaker in the fashion world and she spoke to W Magazine (via Daily Mail) about how her eyeballs regularly shoot out loads of topaz-encrusted barf into her dinosaur contact lens glasses over the state of style today. Since Andy Rooney is currently unavailable (get better, you old bitch!), we really need Iris to spoon feed us crusty mounds of grouchiness like this: "Now when I walk down Fifth Avenue in the summertime I just want to throw up. It seems that the fatter and uglier people are, the fewer clothes they wear. The shorts and flip-flops and tight jeans on butts that go from here to Poughkeepsie. Iris, who once turned down Lindsay Lohan's offer to be that mess' personal fashion mentor, then whipped her cane at the dreadful celebwhores of today: "Most of the young people today look dreadful. And celebrities look even worse. They don't know what to do with themselves. At the Golden Globes and Oscars they all look alike - it seems like they're all wearing the same nightgown and this year nobody had any jewellery at all. YES! Put on all your rings and slap us, Memaw Iris! There's fat slobs in nightgowns everywhere. The sun would always be smiling if we all dressed like a Santa Fe gift shop and a Jo-Ann's Fabric store wrestled on top of our bodies and the only winner was us, because we came out looking like a billion dollar hobo. Keep giving us the truth, Iris. Iris has inspired me to dazzle up my current ensemble (of baggy torn sweat shorts and a stained v-neck that looks like it worked as rest stop toilet paper in a past life) with a big chunky ring. Well, I don't have one of those, so I'll just pass a kidney stone, spray paint it turquoise and WAH-LA! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Simon Le Bon (53) | |
| The Iguana Goddess And Her Gross Husband On Getting Kicked Out Of The Pumpkin | Top |
The broken condom baby of Wiploc and Candy from Earth Girls Are Easy and her pedomonster husband were on Dr. Drew's Lifechangers (aka Celebrity Rehab orientation) today to talk in detail about the greatest injustice since Rosa Parks was kicked off that bus! Yes, two spotlight eaters nobody should care about were on a national television show to talk about something nobody should care about and here I am caring about it. I'm suddenly beginning to see the effects that eating dead flies off the window sill as a child did to my brain. I'll admit that I have Taco Bell meat for brains, but isn't Dr. Drew supposed to be a damn doctor with framed degrees on his wall and shit? Dr. Drew is calmly sitting there as a talking skin graft and a beautiful cracked out hairspray bubble go on and on about getting kicked out of a stupid pumpkin patch, because "the children" were getting scarred by their slutty fuckery. Dr. Drew never quietly leaned over to hit a button that opens a trap door under Courtney and Doug and drops them into an underground mental hospital. Dr. Drew never snapped for two men to bring the straitjackets. Dr. Drew did shit! I'm going to give Dr. Drew the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't only have Courtney and Doug on his show for ratings. I'm going to say that after this taping, Dr. Drew left a trail of Playboy pink lipstick from Courtney's dressing room to the back of a padded van. via Celebuzz | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Gozer the Gozerian and early 80s Billy Idol check out of the Tokio Hotel - Just Jared "No plan. No backup. No choice" is the same thing Tommy Girl said to Stepford Katie the first time he caught her trying to go down the escape ladder out of her bedroom window - Lainey Gossip Why is Ronnie Wood hanging around with Lindsay Lohan? - The Superficial A temporary fruit fly anthem courtesy of X-Factor's first victim - Towleroad London Fog presents their "She's all we could afford" campaign starring Nicole Scherminger - The Berry RPattz wants Taylor Lautner's body - Celebitchy Face by Baby Jane, Dress by ACE Bandage - Hollywood Tuna Barnes & Noble is currently offering a very special deal: buy 1 copy of Snooki's second book, get 1 free punch to the face - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather PETA is suing Sea World for whale slavery and yet Papa Joe walks free.... - OMG Blog Eddie Murphy is going back to the raunch - ICYDK The Best of Whoreoween presented by someone named Melanie Iglesias - Popoholic BUUUUUUN-NEEEEEEEEEEES (and two humans and a goat too) - Popsugar What happens when Elton John and Pete Burns' farts touch - The Daily What It's official: Blake Lively's vagina shoots out Lucky Charm marshmallows - Celebslam Herman Cain's campaign song is awesome - Videogum JLo, you know you don't have to do the hail Skeletor salute anymore, right? - Hollywood Rag Pimp my rider - Cityrag And just like some beards, GOOP is itchy, annoying and full of crap - SOW Tyler takes a tumble - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| Bruce Willis Is Spawning Again.... | Top |
As Emma Heming's chocha cringes at the thought of spitting out an anvil baby whose triple wide chin will put its strength to the test, Bruce Willis is congratulating his 56-year-old wrinkly jizz sack for still having it. Bruce's rep confirms to People that his tater head gene is twinkling inside of a fetus in Emma's womb. Let's hope American Horror Story is real life and Emma is knocked up with rubber suit man's baby.... The actor and wife Emma, a designer and model, are expecting their first child together early next year, his rep confirms to PEOPLE. This will be Bruce's fourth kid (5th if you count Ashton). And cut to Demi Moore lying inside of a wooden box, patiently waiting for Bruce's latest tater baby to be born so it can use its chin to hammer the last nail into her will to live coffin. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Kim Zolciak As The Svedka Girl | Top |
Note to Kim Zolciak and others cut from the same famewhore cloth: I fully understand that you want the best picture of you as a Tronssexual which is why you're okay with suffocating your crotch and scalp at the same time. But I'd wish you'd put the same kind of effort toward cleaning your kitchen counter. The Ziploc bag and jar of laxatives ruin the composition of this potentially exquisite work of museum quality art. Actually, next time just tell the pap to photograph the Ziploc bag and jar of laxatives instead. Thank you. | |
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