The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- John Travolta Miraculously Heals Man's Injury With His Magic Hands
- Katt Williams Is Still Bringing The Crazy
- Hot Slut OF The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Hugh Hefner Is Going To Marry His Runaway Bride
- Who Showed Up To The Opening Of A Drugstore Last Night?
- Detective White Oprah Sees You, Michael Lohan
- Lindsay Lohan Was Set Up, So Says Lindsay Lohan
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
| John Travolta Miraculously Heals Man's Injury With His Magic Hands | Top |
Usually, John Travolta's the one who needs a healer to massage the pain away (example: "I've got an ailment in my anus. Can you knead it out?" - John Travolta), but he recently used his Scientology powers to magically heal a car crash victim's broken ankle. John tells the Scientology publication Celebrity Magazine (via Celebuzz) that when he was in Shanghai for some work stuff, he met a man who was suffering from ankle pain and he rebuked the OWWWs from the dude's body using a technique called an "assist." The name of a Scientology healing technique would have the word "ASS" in it. John said this craziness:
Celebuzz says that according to the Scientology handbook, an assist is "a process whereby a Scientologist helps an individual to heal himself — or to be healed by another agency — by removing his or her reasons for precipitating and prolonging his condition and lessening their predisposition to further injure themselves or remain in an intolerable condition." What a fancy and technical explanation! Let me put it into words we can all understand. Basically, during this particular Scientology assist, John Travolta pressed his fingers and the tip of his tongue on specific pressure points on the man's dick. In between pressing his tongue against pressure points on the man's peen, John told him to channel that pain from his ankle up into his nutsack. As John continued to rub those pressure points, he told the man to release that pain out of his dick hole. John rubbed harder and faster while shouting, "Shoot that pain paint, good man! Let it out!" Then after the man released the pain, John cleaned the milky substance with his hands, held his palms up and said, "This is your pain. You just released it. End of assist." But seriously, that man only said he felt better, because he wanted John Travolta to get away from him. And every time you make a piece cum, you need to stand back up and say, "End of assist." That's a good line! | |
| Katt Williams Is Still Bringing The Crazy | Top |
| Katt Williams is the new Zsa Zsa Gabor and a Target cashier is the new Beverly Hills policeman. Katt Williams' crazy ass put the YOLO in Yolo County last Sunday when he smacked a Target employee. Right before he Katt slapped a dude, Katt Williams escaped arrest after leading police on a bizarre and hilarious three-wheeled motorcycle chase through the streets of Sacramento, CA. Katt shook the police off his tail and drove his three-wheeled motorcycle to Target. Surveillance footage, which was just released, shows Katt sashaying up to a Target employee and the two had words before he left his paw print all over that dude's face. The Target employee picked up his phone and called the police. TMZ doesn't know what the brawl of words was about, but I'm guessing Target was all out of red velvet leche and Katt wasn't happy about it. Katt wasn't going to wait around to be arrested, so six seconds after the Target employee called 911, he jumped on an electric cart and rode on out of that bitch. This clip is some Monty Python-type buffoonery: A mess. It's only a matter of time before somebody sets that clip to Jay-Z's "Ride Or Die." Once Katt drove that electric cart out of the store, he ditched it and jumped on his getaway motorcycle. Katt was never arrested or charged with anything, but the Yolo County District Attorney's office tells TMZ that they are investigating the slap down. Katt led police on a low-speed chase, slapped a Target employee and escaped on a grandpa scooter. It was just another Sunday for the crackhead Hobbit. I was about to say that you know the bad shit has screwed your brain up bad when you think a Hoveround makes a good escape vehicle, but I can't say that. I mean, Katt did get away, didn't he? | |
| Hot Slut OF The Day! | Top |
Carine Felizardo, the newly crowned Miss Bumbum Brazil! On Friday night in at a hotel in São Paulo , Brazil, 15 of the country's most delicate flowers all did what John Travolta does when he's in heat: bent over and assumed the "give me the Q-tip" position. The 15 booties competed for the most important title in beauty pageant history: Miss Bumbbum Brazil! After all nalgas were tested for performance-enhancing butt implants and they all competed in the interview round (aka the fart smell test), the jury of five dudes and six women declared Carine Felizardo as having the best ass in all of Brazil. The 25-year-old with the award-winning ass cried as she accepted her check for around $2,500. Carine told the audience, "I am overwhelmed, very, very happy. I would like to thank those who voted for me, those who believed in me, my family, my friends." Yes, Kim Kartrashian, Nicki Minaj and CoCo have all used their triple stuffed asses to make millions of dollars, but does their butt have a crown? I didn't think so. All hail Miss Bumbum Brazil! And seeing the pictures from Miss Bumbum Brazil is making me excited for the 2012 Miss Fupa America pageant*. * The Miss Fupa America pageant doesn't exist, but it should. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Britney Jean Spears (31) | |
| Hugh Hefner Is Going To Marry His Runaway Bride | Top |
You know it's real love when your groom looks like a drunk trout making out with bait on a hook (or an old Popeye smoking an imaginary pipe) when he kisses you. Sad excuse for a gold digger, 26-year-old Crystal Harris, was supposed to marry 324-year-old Hugh Hefner two summers ago, but she dumped him just days before the wedding. For the next year, Crystal spent her days gargling on the douche dick of Dr. Phil's son and when she wasn't doing that, she was talking shit about how Hef grossed her out. But because nothing will make a gold digger realize she's made a huge mistake like an eviction notice on her condo door or the repo man taking her Mercedes, Crystal ran back into Hef's wrinkly arms this past May. And now, the wedding is back on. A source tells TMZ that in the time Crystal spent apart from Hef, she really grew (read: her bank account shrunk) and she now feels that she's her own person (read: she learned that it sucks paying your own bills) and can stand on her own two feet by herself (read: she learned that standing on your own two feet is overrated and she'd rather just lie on her back). Crystal and Hef are closer than ever and he plans to make her his third wife on New Year's Eve at the Playboy Mansion. Hef is definitely going to make Crystal squeeze out of a drop of her blood on a prenup contract carved into a slab of stone (Hef is old-fashioned like that), so she'll be lucky to walk away from this marriage with the handful of wooden coins (aka his first paycheck) he keeps in a shadow box. Hopefully, Crystal's money grubbing skills have gotten better. What I mean by that is hopefully Crystal got her pharmacy degree from Education Connection and is selling Hef Viagra at a five hundred percent markup. You gotta get that money somehow. | |
| Who Showed Up To The Opening Of A Drugstore Last Night? | Top |
Pamela Anderson still holds the title for the most glamorous drugstore appearance of the decade, but Fergie, Caroline Manzo, Kurt Russell, Lamar Odom, Mark McGrath and Tim Gunn tried to top her last night. They all showed up to the red carpet grand opening the new "upscale" Walgreens on Sunset and Vine in Hollywood. Shit is "upscale," because when you're buying tampons and condoms, you can also pick up sushi, fancy cheeses and frozen yogurt with toppings. Call me a GOOP-like snob, but I don't think I could full my mouth with raw fish from the same place that sells butt suppositories. ("Bitch, don't act like you haven't put worse things in your mouth like a sushi-flavored suppository or suppository-flavored sushi." - you "You bring up a valid point." - me) It was only a little over 10 years ago when Fergie used to get chased out of Walgreens by a security guard for trying to steal shit for meth money and now she's at the grand opening of one. She's come a long way. Fergie's face has also come a long way too. It used to be straight out of Faces of Meth and now it's straight out of Faces of Botox. And speaking of Faces of Meth, click here to see some that will scare you to Jesus. | |
| Detective White Oprah Sees You, Michael Lohan | Top |
Everyone knows Lindsay Lohan was set up, even Lindsay Lohan knows this and she's got coke mush for brains. LiLo's mom White Oprah thinks she's solved the mystery of who is the mastermind behind the set up. You can laugh all you want, but White Oprah IS a skilled-mystery solver. Every time she plays a drunken game of Clue by herself, she wins. She also once gave a lazy hand job to a bartender who acts in Murder Mystery Dinner Theater productions on the weekends. White Oprah knows her mystery-solving stuff. A detective usually doesn't reveal her suspicions until she's solved the crime, but Radar offered White Oprah a half-bottle of gin, so she couldn't resist. The new Detective La Toya had this to say about the fortune teller who is accusing her precious child of assault and battery:
Keep raising that monocle, White Oprah! It's extremely suspicious that two people have lived in the same city as each other. They're obviously in CAHOOTS! White Oprah will say she told us so when a picture comes out of Tiffany Mitchell getting a black belt from Michael Lohan's Karate School of Pussy Punting. Michael Lohan, of course, responded to White Oprah's subtle accusation:
White Oprah can't hold hands with Michael Lohan, because one hand's got a magnifying glass in it and the other hand's holding a plastic cup full of her trusty sidekick, Dr. Charles Tanqueray. And as Lindsay Lohan shits out potatoes from sucking down so much vodka, her parents are fighting in the media. White Oprah & Michael Lohan: teaching us how to be good parents since 1986. | |
| Lindsay Lohan Was Set Up, So Says Lindsay Lohan | Top |
When are the police going to stop unjustly arresting Lindsay Lohan and start investigating the ongoing crack hunt campaign to take her down? That 8-ball in her pocket? That's not her 8-ball, because that's not her pocket. Those aren't even her pants! She's never seen those pants in her life and doesn't know how they got on her body. That stolen necklace dangling out of her snatch? That's not even her snatch. It's the black kid's snatch! That baby in a stroller she almost ran over? That baby hurled itself and its stroller in front of her car! LiLo doesn't commit crimes, crimes are committed against her. Everyone is out to get her. I bet even the police are in on it. Shit, the police are probably reading this. You should take your laptop into the bathroom and turn on the shower while you read this, so the police won't be able to see it. Of course, Lindsay Lohan didn't punch that Florida psychic on Thursday morning. Tiffany Mitchell isn't the victim here, LiLo is. According to TMZ, LiLo is telling her friends that Miss Cleo's apprentice offered LiLo a free reading at the club and after she turned the psychic down, the psychic's friends started crowding around her fancy purse, which was sitting on a nearby table. LiLo thinks they were trying to snatch her Celine purse and you can't thieve from a thief, so she got in Tiffany's face. LiLo says she did call her a "gypsy," but she didn't know that's a racial slur. LiLo never put her fist on Tiffany's face and thinks she was set up. Page Six has a different story. Their source says that LiLo thought Tiffany and Tiffany's friends stole Ali Lohan's purse, which had $10,000 cash in it. So LiLo confronted them about it. The source went on to say some shit:
Oh yes, $10,000... That's funny, because that's the exact amount crack whores accuse the police of taking from their change cup when they're arrested outside of a 7-Eleven. And as we all laugh at this mess, I'm sure that a gang of little black kids wearing Lindsay Lohan masks are counting ten thousand dollars in their super villain lair. The TAKE THAT CRACKIE DOWN mission is going according to plan. I bet Latarian Milton is their leader. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
HitClips, the iPod of the late 90s. Sometime in the late 90s, McDonald's introduced a plastic musical wonder to the world called HitClips. Just like most of the crap McDonald's sells, HitClips were pretty cheap, total shit quality and kind of addictive. (Side note: But not AS addicted as that annoying ass Monopoly game. I still find those dumb Monopoly pieces everywhere. I find them in the ashtray in people's cars, under sofa seats and I'm pretty sure I have farted one out at least twice. They are worse than roaches.) HitClips were tiny plastic cartridges and to play them you shoved them in a tiny plastic player. The sound quality was damn awful, but I didn't care, because I was too busy being wowed by the magic of music coming out of a tiny plastic boom box. Seriously, a warped cassette tape playing on a boom box with low batteries sounded better than HitClips. HitClips didn't even play the whole song either. They only played a minute of it or so. Just when you were getting into it, it would stop playing. It was like getting blue balls of the ears. But then again, most of my HitClips were Brit Brit songs, so maybe they were doing me a favor? Anyway, HitClips! Gone but not (totally) forgotten! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Charlene Tilton (54) | |
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