The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Pretentious Food You Can't Afford, Take 2
- Nick Stahl Busted For Whacking Off In A Porn Store
- Open Post: Hosted By Justin Theroux In Jorts (Again)
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Presented Without Comment: IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Rob Kardashian Got Botox In His Face
- Dueling MEHs
- Fuck Off, Weight Watchers
| Pretentious Food You Can't Afford, Take 2 | Top |
Well, look who's dropping a None of that shit sounds easy to me, so this has me thinking that I should come out with my own cookbook. Something like A Lazy Hor's Guide To The Kitchen, featuring recipes for Beefaroni, Hamburger Helper, Easy Mac, Microwave TV Dinners and Pizza Hut. Step 1: open can. Step 2: heat and eat! Bonus: my recipes won't leave you terrified to step away from the toilet for hours on end (in fact they often have the opposite effect), and even my broke ass can afford it. You're welcome! You can read more about her book on Amazon and how these recipes are a product of some sadistic ass doctor's recommendation that she go on an elimination diet featuring no coffee, no alcohol, no sugar...okay, just stop right there. I thought this food was supposed to make me feel GOOD, not depressed. | |
| Nick Stahl Busted For Whacking Off In A Porn Store | Top |
Besides the dismay I take away from this item about a once successful actor disintegrating publicly, I am also filled with disbelief. Nick Stahl got busted interfering with himself in a porn store and don't these people have laptops, cable, DVDs, fuck - some old VHS tapes and a ratchety VCR?!? Even crackheads who've sold a baby so they can score have a ratchety VCR. You can't sell a ratchety VCR for drug money! TMZ sez that police were doing a routine check of an adult video place when they found Nick handling his business in a booth to a video. The official description of the arrest was that he was committing a "lewd act." He was cited and released a couple of hours later. TMZ has the sad ass video of a sheepish Nick leaving the police station and walking off into the dark. Rose didn't come to pick him up! Guess she's over trying to locate his ass? This past summer, Nick kept hiding from her (and their kid) in LA's Skid Row section. He later entered rehab but then skipped out and vanished again. If she does want to find him, at least she knows that she can check the booths over at Amazing Video. The same cop who busted Fred Willard for yanking at that porn theater arrested Nick. He's like a crusader against celebrities snapping the carrot in public. Fred gets a pass because he's elderly, probably doesn't know about technology, and like a pervy male version of Betty White. But what's wrong with a 30-something dude WILLINGLY getting into an enclosed space where 1000s of other guys have come to fruition? He didn't sit down, did he? There isn't a wire brush in existence to scrub that feeling off you. Someone buy Nick a subcription to Streamate (girl, that commercial has cum geysers during primetime television). | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Justin Theroux In Jorts (Again) | Top |
While some of your asses are pouring curdled spike egg nog into your ear holes to drown out the sound of your chirruns screaming their tonsils off while playing with their Christmas gifts, childless Jennifer Aniston and childless Justin Theroux are still having a childless vacation in Cabo with Jimmy Kimmel, his piece Molly, Emily Blunt and John Krasinski. We can all make fun of Aniston for being bland, basic and so damn tragic that she only flies private, because her Cabbage Patch dolls get nervous flying commercial, but bitch is living the life. When she's not waving at the paps she called, she's doing tequila shots off of Jimmy Kimmel's fupa while Emily Blunt holds her hair back and she can do it without some brat screaming its tonsils off while playing with its Christmas gift. (One good thing about having Cabbage Patch Dolls for kids is that they only communicate telepathically and can't speak any words with their polyester anus mouths.) And if you washed away that black shoe polish in Justin Theroux's hair, took a Magic Eraser to that Land O'Lakes tattoo and burned his black jorts, he'd be a hot piece. And he can't even laugh at her when she buckles her Cabbage Patch boll in on her private plane, because she's the one paying for this luxury ass Mexican vacation. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
This high-profile female celebrity bought her boyfriend a beautiful new automobile this holiday season. She even told him that there were no strings attached so that he could feel more manly about it. He is so appreciative of her thoughtful gift that the first thing he did was to thank her with a few special hours in the bedroom. The second thing he did was to start calling dealerships and researching the car online to get an idea of its value. That way, when they break up with next year, he can sell it for cash. He has told friends that he already knows the relationship will likely not survive the upcoming scandal of her discovering how much he cheats on her. But will she be surprised when she finds out the gender of those with whom he is cheating? (Blind Gossip)
This A list all movie actor has been saying all the right things about his marriage and what he is trying to do, but having the escort come over on Christmas Eve is probably not the best way. (CDAN)
So, a couple had sex. Happens everyday. Has not happened to me in a long time, but it happens everyday. Nothing blind item worthy about that. Would it be blind item worthy if the guy was in a long term relationship and the female had been when it happened? A little more so, but still, kind of hum drum. This is the holiday season. Our senses are on overload. We all need more to really make us say oooh. Well, for a teaser, let me say that the guy is a celebrity, but probably a D lister. His significant other? A lister. Our guy also says he is sober, but in reality he drinks pretty much nonstop beginning at noon during the week and way earlier on the weekends. The female he had sex with is also a C list celebrity. Probably used to be almost A list as a celebrity. She is a huge drinker too. One thing leads to another and the couple is alone a few times after drinking and things happen. Not just once. Things have happened a few times. Did I mention that the female and the A list girlfriend are related? That makes it blind item worthy. (CDAN)
This B list host and reality star does not wear a wedding ring even though he is married and tells friends that he gets about 10 phone numbers a day from women who want to have sex with him and he picks 1 or 2 to call each week. (CDAN)
This celebrity is C- list but probably has A list name recognition. She has not seen sunlight in over a month. She is struggling to stay sober. She has a huge heroin problem and at one point was trading sex for heroin. Her family chipped in to get her a boob job because they thought who would help her modeling career. So far though they have received nothing on their investment except that she did pose for a staggering number of nude photos in a country where she was legal to pose naked. (CDAN)
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| Presented Without Comment: IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!! | Top |
via Jezebel | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Justin Bailey, the password that lets you play as a chick in Metroid! Back when I was a kid, playing Nintendo was my only activity other than eating, shitting and wishing I was Susan Lucci, and Metroid was my favorite game. Normally when you play Metroid, you are this booger colored Iron Man-looking thing, but entering JUSTIN BAILEY with a bunch of dashes under it lets you play as this purple-haired bitch in a bathing suit and thigh highs. Apparently she's Samus, the character sans armor, which makes Metroid a feminist text or some shit, but to a baby homo, this bitch was IT. Fun fact: Apparently Justin Bailey is not anyone that worked at Nintendo, but a random code whose letters corresponded to that spelling. You know some dork named their baby this, dashes and all. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Stan Lee (90) | |
| Rob Kardashian Got Botox In His Face | Top |
Radar Online (via the National Inquirer) reports that Rita Whora-hater Rob Kardashian got the rat poison poked into his mug. Has this dipshit SEEN his step-dad? He wants that on his skull greeting people? This is the shit that happens when some whore gets pissed on in a sex tape, becomes a mega-celebrity because of it, and brings her useless relatives to TV with her. You have 25-year-olds who become so self-involved that they start imagining their faces are falling off. Nevermind your face, put a pin in that ass, power bottom! "Rob was complaining about his face drooping and that he's starting to look old," an insider the National Enquirer. "Kim told him to stop whining and put his money where his mouth is. She turned him on to her trusted plastic surgeon and convinced him to go for a Botox treatment. Rob was all for it and made an appointment right away. " What fantastic advice from a completely natural-looking young woman. She looks like a seal made out of formica. Definitely go to her guy. Ugh, the Kardashians. Why can't someone convince them that leeches are still a viable medical alternative? Why can't they all date Chris Brown when he's on his period? Why can't the Manson Family still be a thing and come to their house for a visit? Supposedly he "walked out of the Beverly Hills office feeling like a new man and more confident than ever." My question? Does this dude have friends and can you imagine the reaction if they're not sniveling syncophants? Oh, wait. He did worry, because his "main concerns about getting Botox were having a stiff face that didn't move and what his buddies would say." If this twat DOES have friends, I hope to fuck they clown on him for the rest of his life. I hope he gets called "Botox Rob" right up til' the deathbed. Admittedly, it's a step-up from "The Non-Factor Kardashian With Girl Ass." | |
| Dueling MEHs | Top |
What's the matter, guys? You both look like you either smelled a rancid Taco Bell fart or just realized who the fuck you are married to. Yes, you could attibute those looks to some less than stellar moves they just saw on the floor at the Clippers vs. Nuggets game, but I like my version better. If I had to put up with any of that klan for two seconds (except for Khloe, I know, and I hate myself for it), I would have permanent fml bitch face too. Bruce and Kris Jenner's Shrinky Dink faces and several of the Ks showed up for the game yesterday and Bruce had to give his front row seat up for Kanye West because Kim threatened to smother him with her ass if he didn't. No, you know he gave that shit up willingly to get the hell away from Kris for a minute and I don't blame him. So here are some pics of them with a little joy and more side-eyeing, glaring and indifference than what we all see at our family get togethers. I wonder who the drunk one was? (Spoiler: it was Kris.) | |
| Fuck Off, Weight Watchers | Top |
With a belly full of baby #2, Jessica Simpson has announced that she's going off of her Weight Watchers diet for now. DUH. (Read: Jessica got knocked up again just so she could belly up to the Golden Corral buffet without WW's being all up in her face about it. "FUCK a bunch of three million dollars, FOOD, bitches!!!" - Jessica) In a statement, Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table and threw her no public shade for her decision. From Yahoo! News: "It's wonderful news and we couldn't be happier for Jessica, Eric [Johnson] and big sister-to-be Maxwell," Cheryl Callan, Senior Vice President of Marketing at Weight Watchers, said in a statement on Wednesday. I say if you're Jessica Simpson, and can afford to turn down $3 million while burping out babies and Arby's curly fries, more power to you. And who the hell wants to diet while they're pregnant, except for do-goody moms who actually follow doctor's instructions?? YUCK. I mean, she already lost over 50 pounds from her first pregnancy that ended a week ago, what the hell do you want from her?? On a related note, PopTarts, Country Crock, and Krispy Kreme stock just shot through the roof. Seriously, pregnant women are not supposed to be on Weight Watchers, as is emblazoned across the bottorm of the screen at the end of this not-redneck-at-all video where Jessica announces she's only quitting FOR NOW. And here are a couple more pics of Jessica walking on the beach in Hawaii with her baby daddy Eric Johnston while she is coyly covering her baby bump. If Michael K wants to see her in person, he should just follow the trail of empty Entenmann's boxes. | |
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