Saturday, December 29, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Birthday Sluts Top

Jude Law (40)
Jane Levy (23)
Alexa Ray Joel (27)
Jessica Andrews (29)
Alison Brie (30)
Diego Luna (33)
La Toya London (34)
Katherine Moennig (35)
Danny McBride (36)
Mekhi Phifer (38)
Leonor Varela (40)
Jennifer Ehle (43)
Evan Seinfeld (45)
Andy Wachowski (45)
Paula Poundstone (53)
Patricia Clarkson (53)
Yvonne Elliman (61)
Ted Danson (65)
Marianne Faithfull (66)
Jon Voight (74)
Mary Tyler Moore (76)
Inga Swenson (80)

 
Katt Nipped Top

Katt Williams, aka the lesser Flava Flav, is back in the news and no, not for his stand-up comedy act. He was arrested yesterday morning for endangering his CHIRRUNS by decorating their home with guns and illegal drugs for the holiday season instead of boring ass wreaths and candy canes. How festive, why didn't I think of that? TMZ says the LAPD picked Katt up out of the litter box at his home in Woodland hills, threw him in a cold cell, and put his four kids in protective custody. They also say that "several items were seized from his home". On an unrelated note, the LAPD is throwing a rave tonight, don't miss it!

HUH. WHO. COULD. HAVE. GUESSED that this guy was doing illegal drugs?? I thought he just had a thing for flexing his Napoleon complex by slapping every ho (example 1, 2 and 3) who wouldn't slap back for absolutely no reason. You learn something new! Sweet, now I can take "Gacked Out Unstable Midgets With Anger Management Issues" for $100.00, Alex.

He's being held on $100,000.00 bond for (possible felony) child endangerment and since the IRS has also taped a lien on his forehead (his ass is too low to reach) for $4 million, I'm guessing he might be having a little trouble coming up with the cash. Little angry man, please. Just smoke some weed with Snoop, which is not a felony in Cali btw, stay away from the hard shit, take yourself down another notch (to the basement), CALM THE FUCK DOWN and take care of your kids. Your short stack ass is actually funny, don't waste your talent on stupid shit.

Too bad Cops has been cancelled. I really would have loved to see him jumping up to bitch slap at an officer's crotch.

 
Japanese Porn Starlet Uta Kohaku Can Now Host A Bukakke Party For One Top

That's Japanese porn actress Uta Kohaku peacing out over her new jizz collection. As part of the promotion for her upcoming epic Semen Collection 2 (this bitch is literal), she asked dudes on Twitter to send her their spunk. Over 100+ dudes set aside the encrusted sock they normally dicksneeze into, and shot into bottles. And sent them to her. She received all of these donations (complete with the guy's name) within a 10-day period, according to The Huffington Post.

Uta was incredibly grateful for the outpouring of jizz that came her way, and promised to "care for them as if it were my own child." She's very maternal. The film has already begun shooting, and Uta hasn't said what she will be doing with the semen during the film or after. We have several male celebrities in this country who will gladly recycle those bottles for you, Uta. Just send them in care of the Scientology Celebrity Centre, Los Angeles, California.

I don't think I'm going to be having mayo on any of my sandwiches for the forseeable future. She sucks for that.

 
You Ran Over My Fucking FOOT, But I'm Richard Simmons, So I'm Cool Like That Top

PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.

Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go "meh" and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.

Go Richard!

 
Hulk Hogan Is Opening A Breastaraunt Top

Florida is the land where PCP zombies eat people's faces, Christian Slater's importance isn't recognized, and true beauty is found. It will now have a state restaurant because prototypical Sunshine State resident Hulk Hogan is opening an eatery. Brooke Hogan must need a job, and personal buttocks masseuse to her father has probably taken a John Travolta-esque turn for the worse by now. It's going to be one of those places where the waitresses dress like perky whores, and use their tits to distract you from the fact that the food tastes like shit. Hence the term (via The Huffington Post) "breastaraunt."

[Sidenote - It should be noted that the food at those places is bogus except for the chicken wings at Hooters. Holy Jeezum, those are good. My other fag-o-trons and I often go there just for the wings. We have to use the table tent to shield our eyes from all the orange nyloned cameltoe while we eat, though.]

"Hogan's Beach" is opening on New Year's Eve in Tampa Bay, so I urge you to call for reservations now or download some sort of app to do it in case the line is busy.

He told the Tampa Bay Times that it's "going to be Jimmy Buffett's [Margaritaville] times 10; Hooters times 10" with Hulk Hogan shit on the walls like it was T.G.I.Fuckhead's. It will also feature "a mechanical shark ride, volleyball courts, fire pits, cabanas and tiki huts."

You know, the purpose of this post was to bag on Hulk Hogan's burn victim tits' opening a restaurant. But getting shitfaced and watching drunken Floridian fupa queens break their asses being hurled from a mechanical shark might be a good time. I'm in. I'll just stick to the assuredly overpriced drinks. You can assume that the food is on par with a Guy Fieri venture.

 
Like Anyone Is Looking At Your Hair, Please Top

Don't-Focus-On-My-Tatas-Even-Though-I-Shove-Them-Up-To-My-Eyebrows-In-Plunging-Necklines advocate Christina Hendricks would like you to quit staring at her luscious bewbs for a second and focus on her hair instead. For all of us str8 women who are able to defy the odds and actually drag our eyeballs up there, she wants us to know that her modeling agency once said HELL NO!! to her signature fiery locks. The naturally blond Christina (prove it! - half the planet) dyed her hair bright red for a photo shoot and was met by a "Daaamn girl, you ugly!" from the head of her agency.

In Christina's words (via the Daily Mail):

'When I first started modelling I was blonde. Then I got a job and they wanted to do my hair bright red. I'd always wanted to, but the head of my agency was like, "You look terrible, it's so ugly, you cannot have red hair."
"I came back as a redhead and couldn't get my hair back to blonde for two days - in the meantime I had to audition.
'I booked two or three jobs, because were a lot fewer redheads than blondes, and I was like, this is working for me, I'm keeping this!'

I kind of have to agree with her that the red suits her and helps her stand out in a sea of blindingly bleached blond bimbos (say that three times really fast, I dare you) but really, who gives a shit. Good, hair talk times are over and now our ADD asses can go back to being mesmerized by her real stand out features, those twin Verne Troyers half out of her top.

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Chestica Simpson's 10-gallon pregnancy chichis are already in their fifth trimester - Hollywood Tuna

Michael Buble isn't going to let some falling snow stop him from wearing hipster circa 2008 glasses - Lainey Gossip

The pilled-up hillbilly robot that is Brit Brit Spears is not coming back to The X-Factor, so now Simon Cowell can do what he should've done in the beginning: make his furry tit pies permanent judges - Celebitchy

Brendon Ayanbadejo says that around 3% of the NFL is gay and I need to know if Andy Dalton falls into that 3% so that I can adjust my fap time fantasies accordingly - Towleroad

Remember the time Katy Perry's ass crack made an appearance in San Dimas - The Superficial 

It's nice to know that when your eyes haven't adjusted to the morning light yet and you see a picture of Channing Tatum and his wife, you mistake them for Carrot Top and Courteney Cox - ICYDK

Break out the industrial-strength RID, one of Charlie Sheen's dick crabs escaped out of his pants again - SOW

Sofia Vergara dressed like a go-go dancer at a club inspired by Venom from Spider-Man - IDLYITW

What happens when a Magic Troll doll takes ecstasy at the Enchanted Forest rave - Drunken Stepfather

Nice try, Vanessa Hudgens, but showing off your yoga mat peen still isn't going to get Zac Efron back - Popoholic

Justin Bieber's secret love child with Usher is adorable - Just Jared

It wouldn't be the holiday season without a small peek of Simon Cowell's glorious tit fur - Popsugar

Kim Kartrashian, OctoMom or an orangutan's swollen anal glands? - Cityrag

Gerard Pique might've been joking, but I still hope that they name their kid Inocencio - I'm Not Obsessed

Stephanie Seymour is smoking on the beach and you would be too if you just humped the waves - Hollywood Rag 

 
Pretentious Food You Can't Afford, Take 2 Top

Well, look who's dropping a deuce new cook book on April 2nd! It should be on April 1st since you would have to be an April Fool to buy this shit. It's Goopy McPoopy, aka Gwyneth Paltrow, once again hammering us commoners in the head with the fact that we'll never be as good, beautiful, or fabulous as she is. In her new book called It's All Good, or formally It's All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great (but not as great as me, ever, fucking plebes), Gwyneth condescends to give her recipes for things like Hummus Tartine with Scallion-Mint Pesto, Salmon Burgers with Pickled Ginger, and Freshly Clubbed Antarctic Baby Seal with Roasted Organic White Truffle and Crushed Blood Diamond Sauce. Maybe I made that last one up.

None of that shit sounds easy to me, so this has me thinking that I should come out with my own cookbook. Something like A Lazy Hor's Guide To The Kitchen, featuring recipes for Beefaroni, Hamburger Helper, Easy Mac, Microwave TV Dinners and Pizza Hut. Step 1: open can. Step 2: heat and eat! Bonus: my recipes won't leave you terrified to step away from the toilet for hours on end (in fact they often have the opposite effect), and even my broke ass can afford it. You're welcome!

You can read more about her book on Amazon and how these recipes are a product of some sadistic ass doctor's recommendation that she go on an elimination diet featuring no coffee, no alcohol, no sugar...okay, just stop right there. I thought this food was supposed to make me feel GOOD, not depressed.

 
Nick Stahl Busted For Whacking Off In A Porn Store Top

Besides the dismay I take away from this item about a once successful actor disintegrating publicly, I am also filled with disbelief. Nick Stahl got busted interfering with himself in a porn store and don't these people have laptops, cable, DVDs, fuck - some old VHS tapes and a ratchety VCR?!? Even crackheads who've sold a baby so they can score have a ratchety VCR. You can't sell a ratchety VCR for drug money!

TMZ sez that police were doing a routine check of an adult video place when they found Nick handling his business in a booth to a video. The official description of the arrest was that he was committing a "lewd act." He was cited and released a couple of hours later. TMZ has the sad ass video of a sheepish Nick leaving the police station and walking off into the dark. Rose didn't come to pick him up! Guess she's over trying to locate his ass?

This past summer, Nick kept hiding from her (and their kid) in LA's Skid Row section. He later entered rehab but then skipped out and vanished again. If she does want to find him, at least she knows that she can check the booths over at Amazing Video.

The same cop who busted Fred Willard for yanking at that porn theater arrested Nick. He's like a crusader against celebrities snapping the carrot in public. Fred gets a pass because he's elderly, probably doesn't know about technology, and like a pervy male version of Betty White. But what's wrong with a 30-something dude WILLINGLY getting into an enclosed space where 1000s of other guys have come to fruition? He didn't sit down, did he? There isn't a wire brush in existence to scrub that feeling off you. Someone buy Nick a subcription to Streamate (girl, that commercial has cum geysers during primetime television).

 
Open Post: Hosted By Justin Theroux In Jorts (Again) Top

While some of your asses are pouring curdled spike egg nog into your ear holes to drown out the sound of your chirruns screaming their tonsils off while playing with their Christmas gifts, childless Jennifer Aniston and childless Justin Theroux are still having a childless vacation in Cabo with Jimmy Kimmel, his piece Molly, Emily Blunt and John Krasinski. We can all make fun of Aniston for being bland, basic and so damn tragic that she only flies private, because her Cabbage Patch Kids get nervous flying commercial, but bitch is living the life. When she's not waving at the paps she called, she's doing tequila shots off of Jimmy Kimmel's fupa while Emily Blunt holds her hair back and she can do it without some brat screaming its tonsils off while playing with its Christmas gift. (One good thing about having Cabbage Patch Kids for kids is that they only communicate telepathically and can't speak any words with their plastic anus mouths.)

And if you washed away that black shoe polish in Justin Theroux's hair, took a Magic Eraser to that Land O'Lakes tattoo and burned his black jorts, he'd be a hot piece. And he can't even laugh at her when she buckles her Cabbage Patch Kid in on her private plane, because she's the one paying for this luxury ass Mexican vacation.

 

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