The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Dueling MEHs
- Fuck Off, Weight Watchers
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Donny Deutsch? Really, Michael K.?
- Sorry, Brit
- Lohan Got A Discount
- Open Post: Hosted By A Guess Who?
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Presenting Mr. And Mrs. Rocknroll
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
| Dueling MEHs | Top |
What's the matter, guys? You both look like you either smelled a rancid Taco Bell fart or just realized who the fuck you are married to. Yes, you could attibute those looks to some less than stellar moves they just saw on the floor at the Clippers vs. Nuggets game, but I like my version better. If I had to put up with any of that klan for two seconds (except for Khloe, I know, and I hate myself for it), I would have permanent fml bitch face too. Bruce and Kris Jenner's Shrinky Dink faces and several of the Ks showed up for the game yesterday and Bruce had to give his front row seat up for Kanye West because Kim threatened to smother him with her ass if he didn't. No, you know he gave that shit up willingly to get the hell away from Kris for a minute and I don't blame him. So here are some pics of them with a little joy and more side-eyeing, glaring and indifference than what we all see at our family get togethers. I wonder who the drunk one was? (Spoiler: it was Kris.) | |
| Fuck Off, Weight Watchers | Top |
With a belly full of baby #2, Jessica Simpson has announced that she's going off of her Weight Watchers diet for now. DUH. (Read: Jessica got knocked up again just so she could belly up to the Golden Corral buffet without WW's being all up in her face about it. "FUCK a bunch of three million dollars, FOOD, bitches!!!" - Jessica) In a statement, Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table and threw her no public shade for her decision. From Yahoo! News: "It's wonderful news and we couldn't be happier for Jessica, Eric [Johnson] and big sister-to-be Maxwell," Cheryl Callan, Senior Vice President of Marketing at Weight Watchers, said in a statement on Wednesday. I say if you're Jessica Simpson, and can afford to turn down $3 million while burping out babies and Arby's curly fries, more power to you. And who the hell wants to diet while they're pregnant, except for do-goody moms who actually follow doctor's instructions?? YUCK. I mean, she already lost over 50 pounds from her first pregnancy that ended a week ago, what the hell do you want from her?? On a related note, PopTarts, Country Crock, and Krispy Kreme stock just shot through the roof. Seriously, pregnant women are not supposed to be on Weight Watchers, as is emblazoned across the bottorm of the screen at the end of this not-redneck-at-all video where Jessica announces she's only quitting FOR NOW. And here are a couple more pics of Jessica walking on the beach in Hawaii with her baby daddy Eric Johnston while she is coyly covering her baby bump. If Michael K wants to see her in person, he should just follow the trail of empty Entenmann's boxes. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Michael Musto pays homage to Angie Jolie's famewhoring leg, looks like the Benjamin Button baby of Stockard Channing and Grumpy Cat while doing so - Towleroad Taylor Swift, Harry Styles, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber were all in Park City, UT together. Worst slumber party/orgy ever! - Lainey Gossip These Stephanie Seymour beach pictures just aren't the same without her doing the kissing pretzel with her son - Hollywood Tuna Yes, I'm mad at that car for not releasing its emergency break before running over The Difficult Brown - IDLYITW They don't call her ASSlee Simpson for nothing - Drunken Stepfather For Anne Hathaway's next trick, she's going to make her husband file for divorce so she can get Oscar sympathy votes. I'm not kidding. - Celebitchy Aly & AJwearing John Travolta's favorite onesie - Popoholic Leighton Meester doing the "yes, this crack was born in prison, bitch" pose back in April -The Superficial Jennifer Garner SANS FARDS - Celebslam Something to soothe your never-ending holiday hangover: PUPPIES IN THE SNOW! - OMG Blog Versace used up all the Crisco and Photoshop for their latest ad starring Kate Moss - Hollywood Rag Dear Brandi Analglanville and Eddie Cibrian, this is how split up parents are supposed to act - Popsugar Hide the candy laxatives, LeAnn Rimes is hanging out with Eddie Cibrian's kids again - Just Jared That picture looks like the Cryptkeeper's family tree - Cityrag If Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus really did get hitched, then we'd hear his entire family wailing all the way from Australia over the fact that they're now tied to the Cyrus family indefinitely - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| Donny Deutsch? Really, Michael K.? | Top |
Um. This morning Michael K. (who, even while sunning his whore ass in Hawaii, still keeps an eye on the blog because he loves you guys and also because he knows I'm an idiot who insists on shutting down the blog every time I guest by not remembering to resize photos. Thank fuck that he has Sweetas around) called my attention to a photoset featuring a dude named Donny Deutsch. And he mentioned that he would do him. Do that Deutsch proper. How quickly our b-hole turns! And he didn't know why. I had no clue who Mr. Deutsch was, except that I was delighting in pronouncing his name as "Douche" as I took a peek at the pics. But now I understand Michael K.'s disgust with himself. The fuck? I knew he wasn't discerning about what dirty dicks he rides, but isn't that my friend's greasy parent who tried to molest me when he saw me in my bikini by the pool during my high school graduation party? I look fiery hot in my 'kini but still! Beat it, Pops! Michael K. wants to get on that guy! He wants to put his face really close to those shorts so he can read exactly what they say. Real close. Close enough to breathe on his peen and possibly get screwdriver splashes on his head. There's addiction to dick, but then there's ADDICTION TO DICK. You don't want to get with an flaccid oldster who looks like he's got explosive diarrhea and is desperately searching for a dune to shit behind. But maybe I'm missing something glorious down there in Miami Beach. That thickset ho he was chatting up seems into it. In fact, after he fled to find that dune, she quickly phoned a friend to talk about the steely fox who lucked upon her and smelled of Polo cologne and Rogaine. She was so turned on by her sensual encounter with his sleeveless majesty that she's sucking on her thumb and imagining it's Deutsch peen. I figured it out, though. This dude had a finance show, was a judge on The Apprentice and owns a 40 million dollar house in NYC and a 29 million dollar one in East Hampton. Michael K.'s b-hole lights right the fuck up when there's gold to be sucked up into it. #getmidlifecrisisdudemoneybitch | |
| Sorry, Brit | Top |
It's a shitty way to start the day when I have to wake up and say sowwwwyyy to Britney Spears and all of you that I misled yesterday before I've even had my first cup of Bailey's sprinkled with coffee. The Smoking Gun said the story of Britney hopping on BIL peen and wallet jacking is FULL OF LIES. Sad face. I was so hoping to get a head shaving and a bloody crotch shot or at least an impromptu skinny dip off Pacific Coast Highway on her latest run. In my defense, it was on Radar so I just knew it had to be some actual factual stuff. Okay, that defense sucked so I don't think I'll be signing up for law school anytime soon. So apparently some sick fuck named Jonathan Lee Riches, who was has been on federal probation since April for conspiracy and wire fraud, not only filed the fake complaint against BritBrit but is also at the bottom of the "Justin Beiber stoled my credit card to get a penis" and various other phony lawsuits against celebrities. I might still laugh and tip my hat to his Punk'd game, but this piece of trash drove to CT and pretended to be the uncle of the Sandy Hook shooter at one of the funerals to get his face splashed all over the news and there is nothing funny about that shit. At least he's back in cuffs and you know some of his old inmates that he conned are sharpening their shanks at the news. Although he is a lying liarface who tells lies, I'm pretty sure that the part in his Britney filing about his small penis is 100% FACT. | |
| Lohan Got A Discount | Top |
For all you bitches who are currently having issues with the IRS (which is a lovely organization so please don't audit me for mentioning you on a gossip blog), take heart. You still have to pay but discounts are possible. Just do what Ole' Swole Lips up there did. When the dude comes to collect the check, answer the door in your hottest fishnet bodysuit with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 clutched in your claw. Grab him by the tie, yank his ass in, get on your knees, and suck that dude's dick like you were scuba diving and his cock had the oxygen. Give that guy the best head he's ever had in his life. Make him feel like you just sucked his soul out through his cock. Yes, IRS workers have souls and they're beautiful like rainbows. And watch the amount you owe get smaller! The utterly humorless Lindsay Lohan owed the IRS $100,000 because she snorted the 2009 tax payment for her house in Encino up her nose instead of handing it over. And E! sez they let her remove her lien for $93,701.57! Don't you just love a bargain, as the Christmas Tree Shop ads in my neck of the woods used to jingle? She was able to use the $100,000 she got from yuckmouth Charlie Sheen to pay her debt, AND she had money left over to buy scratch tickets for the rest of the Lohans as Christmas presents! The rest went to Roto-Rooter. Lindsay Lohan is a financial genius! Suze Orman better watch her ass. Cuz' Lindsay misplaced a crack rock and she'll go up an ass to find it. This doesn't mean that Lohan's checking account is ready to bloom once again (if it was, she'd find a way to harvest and smoke that shit). She still owes $133,000 for her 2010 taxes AND owes for her 2011 taxes. That's a lot of cocksucking. Her jaw's going to be in traction. I'm sure White Oprah can chip in ("I'll take the 50 dicks on the right." - Dina Lohan). Nana Lohan, don't answer any of Lindsay's calls for the foreseeable future. That shifty bitch would totally put her granny on the corner to cover her tab. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By A Guess Who? | Top |
I'll give you three guesses: 1. Even when I tell you this trick's name, your brain will still burp up a question mark wrapped in a question mark wrapped in a HUH? wrapped in a question mark. 2. The guy at the deli who makes you an everything bagel with extra cream cheese every morning is more internationally famous than this ho. 3. Don't let those smooth, supple ass cheeks fool you. It's not Steven Tyler. This is Claudia Galanti. I know, I could've said "this is Nobody McWho?" and you would have the same response. Claudia Galanti is some Italian showgirl/glamour model type and here she is in Miami, trying to get some paparazzi attention by dry humping her husband on the beach. I guess, Claudia figured that the paparazzi got tired of taking pictures of her ten mile-wide plastic titties, so she gave them shots of her nalgas instead. The way she's fame whoring hard for the camera... bitch is practically American now! She totally earned a Visa. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
This actor is not exactly exhibiting model behavior. He likes to be accompanied by pretty women. They like him, too, even though he goes through them rather quickly. Right now, though, he has a big problem on his hands. A long time ago, he secretly dated this pretty celebrity (Girl A). They broke up, and she went on to marry another celebrity. After going through several more women, he dated Girl B for more than a year. Things were going great, so he considered proposing to her. When she knew the moment was coming,though, she got a little too demanding. This turned him off, and he dumped her. He's now dating Girl C. Things are going fine. Just one problem. Girl A and Girl B have both crept back into the picture. And, yes, Girl A is still married. So what is he doing? Sleeping with all three! A and B both know about C (since he is publicly dating her) but they don't know about each other, and C doesn't know about either of the other two. It will be very interesting to see how the three women react when they all find out about each other! It shouldn't take very long… (Blind Gossip)
This actor got his start as a child actor in a major franchise. Since then, he has managed to successfully take on more mature roles and has really proven himself as a serious adult actor. A couple of years ago, he recognized that he had a problem with alcohol and checked himself into rehab before he did something really stupid. He was clean for a few years, but fell off the wagon recently. When he's drunk he likes to start arguments and pick fights. Given his size, it's almost amusing that doing a couple of shots turns him into a tough guy who likes to throw around the F word and throw a few punches. He is currently very busy with multiple projects. We don't know how he is going to get back on track with his sobriety without causing some major delays in production, but we hope he does so before he gets himself into more serious trouble. (Blind Gossip)
This former A list television actress who is still A list with name recognition despite a horribly unimpressive movie career was headed on a very expensive vacation this week when a mom pushing a girl in a wheelchair came up to the actress and said that her daughter has leukemia and wondered if the actress would pose for a photo. The actress took a look at the girl and shook her head and said, "Sorry. Don't have time." The actress then went outside and had a cigarette. (CDAN)
These musicians have been dating on and off for a year or two. Both are very famous, both have been at the top of the charts multiple times, and both have a history of hooking up with some interesting partners. There have been some headlines lately that he has been cheating on her behind her back and that this has been very upsetting to her. It shouldn't be too difficult to guess the identities of the two musicians. But we have some additional information to dish: we know the identity of the woman with whom he has been cheating! And it is just the most delicious gossip ever! The Third Party is also a celebrity. You have seen her on TV (probably on more than one show) many times, but not in movies. She is not a musician herself… but she certainly has a taste for musicians. Sometimes several in one week. To top it all off, this hot little tart is married, and portrays herself as the perfect wife and mother. The Third Party has a new TV project launching next year, and it would certainly leave a sour taste in the mouths of her fans if they knew that she has an insatiable appetite for men outside of her marriage… and that she is "the other woman" coming between these two celebrities! (Blind Gossip)
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| Presenting Mr. And Mrs. Rocknroll | Top |
37-year-old Kate Winslet married 34-year-old Ned Rocknroll in a secret wedding in New York earlier this month and that wedding was a secret, because she didn't want anyone to know she was marrying a ho with the legal last name of ROCKNROLL! I bet that when the officiant asked, "Kate, do you take Ned Rocknroll as your wedded husband," she turned around and asked everybody in the room if they had a tab of acid, because that's the only way she'd be able to say yes. Marrying a motherfucker with the last name Rocknroll only makes sense when you're high on some kind of brain-bending shit. Kate and Ned Rocknroll (born name: Abel Smith) first met in 2011 when they were both vacationing on Richard Branson's island. Ned is Richard Branson's nephew. A fire broke out on the island and Kate saved Richard's 90-year-old mother. Kate and Ned hooked up after they left the island and she's been screaming his messed up name during fuck times ever since. A source tells UsWeekly that Kate and Ned wanted to keep their wedding extra small, so they only invited a handful of friends and some family members. The best part is that Leonardo DiCapiro's ass walked her down the aisle, because OF COURSE and because it only seemed fitting since marrying a dude named Ned Rocknroll is a lot like boarding a sinking ship. This is Kate's third marriage. She had a kid with her first husband and a kid with her second husband Sam Mendes, which means she'll totally have a kid with her third husband and that kid's last name will be Rocknroll. I hope they do have a kid and I hope that kid's first name is ILove or ItsOnly. I really know nothing about Ned Rocknroll, but now I know that he lays down the peen good, because that has to be the only reason why Kate married his ass. Dude must have unicorn jizz. Ned probably gives it so good that for a quick second, Kate completely forgets that she's doing a dude with a name like a bottom tier wedding DJ who always ends up banging the ugliest bridesmaid in the bathroom. That being said, I hope Kate took his last name and she'll forever be known personally and professional as Kate Rocknroll. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Precious from Passions Fuck Downton Abbey. If you really want to see critically acclaimed, riveting, classy drama all you needed to do was watch Passions, one of the greatest TV shows of all time and it's TRUE star was Precious the orangutan! Precious was a nurse hired by Beth (remember when she dressed as a clown and kept Sheridan trapped in a pit?) to care for her mother, and bitch was too cheap to get a human so she got a monkey instead. Precious quickly fell in love with the stunning Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald (yes, that was his name) and kept having romantic fantasies about him, as seen in this beautiful montage when Precious was being taken to jail! Passions was particularly hot because they fucking submitted the monkey for a Daytime Emmy. Bitch didn't win, which was a shame because she was better than half the cast. | |
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