The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
| Shut Your Mouth, Kelly Preston Is Pushing Out A BABY!!! | Top |
| Many many many ex members of Scientology who were lucky enough to not get tossed into a volcano by the fiery hand of Xenu upon their exit have talked openly about L. Ron Hubbard's silent birth shenanigans. Scientologists believe that a newborn baby has already been through some serious shit and the last thing it needs is its mother's " MAH PUSSAY IS BLOWIN' UP " screams knocking the womb jelly out of its precious ears. During a Scientology birth, no music, talking or screeching is allowed. Can you imagine pushing out an entire human out of your twat hole and some motherfucker says to you, " SHHH ." L. Ron Hubbard IS HATEFUL! Anyways, because of this, Radar's news that Kelly Preston is going to stick an epidural in her tongue during labor isn't surprising at all. Apparently, Kelly did the whole SHHH labor thing for all her children, so obviously she's going to do it with this one. A former high-level member of Scientology explained the silent birth process like this: " One is meant to be as silent as possible so as to not give the child a 'birth engram' with 'hypnotic' type phrases and sounds that will re-stimulate him later in life. Engram is a term used in Scientology that refers to a 'recording' of a past painful event not normally accessible to the conscious mind." You might be wondering how John Travolta is going to keep from flailing and wailing like Minnie Mouse getting waxed when faced with Kelly Preston's vagina, but that's not going to be a problem. The most stressful thing John and Kelly have to deal with is picking out a fourth-trimester baby pillow with a silent zipper and quiet feathers. | |
| Wigged Baby Alert! | Top |
| As we all fall off the tightrope in slow motion..... Star Magazine brings us the news that Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewrecks of Atlanta might have a new BABY!!! in her house to fetch her a glass of zinfandel and nod when she asks if you can see her check cashing place in that dress. DJ Tracy Young , Kim's ex merkin fluffer, tell Star that Kim's got a little something baking in her womb. And the fetus wasn't made with one of Big Poppa's platinum-coated sperm fishies. The man responsible for this foolery is reportedly pro football player Kroy Biermann who happens to be Kim's current boyfriend. Kroy is probably slapping at his nutsacks while thinking to himself, " Why wasn't my jizz tardy for the party?!" That's a question we're all asking ourselves today. DJ Tracy went on to tell Star that Kim summoned her back to Atlanta to get back together and raise the baby together as a family, " She said she still loved me and wanted to tell me something important face to face. When I asked her what she was going to do, she said, 'I want you to stay and raise the baby with me, because Kroy doesn't want to be involved.'" DJ Tracy was all ready to move to Atlanta to become the Section 8 version of Melissa Etheridge & Tammy Lynn Michaels , but Kim dropped her on her cooch once again when Kroy came back. I guess since Beyonce doesn't have a baby occupying space her in Womb of Dereon, the gods have chosen Kim Zolciak to bring us a slobberer who wears leopard catsuits and bedazzled bonnets with a wig attached. But I'm not going to believe this until I see Kim waddling around with a baby bakin' wig on top of her head. You know, it's the wig with the roots and the natural curl. Kim is real like that. | |
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