The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The Baresoul Cuntessa!
- Delusional Thoughts With White Oprah
- Madge's African School For Girls Is Not Happening
| The Baresoul Cuntessa! | Top |
| Q: What kind of charred heart devil person would turn down a terminally ill child? A: Darth Vadar, Cruella de Vil, an Illuminati social worker and.... INA GARTEN ! TMZ reports that the Make-A-Wish Foundation asked the Barefoot Contessa if she would grant the wish of a 6-year-old cancer patient by cooking him a meal. Ina waved her hand, blurted out "TOO BUSY!!!" and continued to pour vodka lemonade cocktails for her gay husbands at her Hamptons mansion. 6-year-old Enzo , who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia three years ago, asked Make-A-Wish if they would help him meet Ina Garten. Enzo regularly watches her show on the Food Network with his mother. When Ina's people told the foundation that she was too busy with her book tour to visit with Enzo, he said that he'd wait until her schedule cleared up. This was last year. M-A-W approached Ina again this year, but she once again said no before cackling into her cauldron full of the broken dreams of sick children. " You a cold ass bitch" - Freddy Krueger Ina's rep, Satan, tells TMZ that she can't always grant wishes because of her schedule: " Despite her demanding schedule, [Ina] participates and helps as many organizations as she can throughout the year, helping children and adults like Enzo with life threatening and compromising illnesses. " One of Enzo's relatives said that he doesn't understand why Ina won't meet him. M-A-W played nice with Ina by saying that she's a good friend of the foundation and sometimes wishes don't work out. Cinderella's fairy godmother just passed the fuck out. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo-bitch-bye. Enzo's back-up wish, swimming with dolphins, will be granted. In other news, the Food Network has announced that on the next episode of the Baresoul Cuntessa, Ina will show us how to make roasted dolphin and a sauce made from childrens' tears. | |
| Delusional Thoughts With White Oprah | Top |
| One of my fantasies is to be in a documentary version of " Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" called " Honey, I Shrunk the Gay" just so I can be miniaturized. Then I can crawl up White Oprah's black hole nostril, crawl over her whiskey snot balls, stumble through the cocaine tundra in her nose canal and make my way up to her brain, because you know it's a fantastical world of nonsense in there. I'd waltz with fried brain cells, take a dip in the Adderall powder pool and marvel at the WTF images projected in the Jack Daniels Theater. The HUH? shit this crazy comes up with..... Take this mess for instance, White Oprah echoed her "Lindsay is a one name WONDER" thought to Popeater and goes on to say that her innocent child really is going to drop the Lohan from her name completely. And the American Crackhead Comedy Award goes to..... "Lindsay is dropping the Lohan and just going by Lindsay. Plus, me and Ali will be officially changing our last names back to my maiden name, Sullivan." A " family friend " dipped a few more gems into fuckery's gas stank by saying, "So many of the greatest people in showbiz are known by just their first name. Look at Oprah and Beyonce. Now you can add Lindsay to that list. And it's a way for them all to start over. No one in the family want anything to do with Lindsay's father anymore and that includes sharing a last name." Maybe she can legally change her name to Prisoner No. 666-BITCHPLEASE or HAHA since that's what she'll be addressed as in a couple of months. But really, what is wrong with them?! The Lohans (who will FOREVER be Lohans) live in a fart bubble that must filter out any mention of Lindsay Wagner or Lindsay Price . Because those Lindsays are way more famous. You can take the Lohan out of the Lohan, but you can't take the DELUSION out of the Lohan. | |
| Madge's African School For Girls Is Not Happening | Top |
| When Madge adopted LawdHaveMercy (or whatever her name is) from Malawi, she promised to put her celebrity, money and charitable heart into helping the young girls of Africa by building a fancy school for them ala Oprah . The Kabbahalalalalh Center signed on as a partner, Philippe van den Bossche (the boyfriend of Madge's trainer Tracy Anderson ) was named as executive director and they even shooed away the locals who lived on the ground where the school was supposed to be built. Well, those locals are exhaling out a giant karmalized " UH HUH ," because the school is not going to happen today, tomorrow or ever. The New York Times reports that the executives of Raising Malawi fucked away $3.8 million of the charity's money. The foundation is now as broke as Baby Jesus' peen after wrassling with Madge's strong man crotch. Philippe and the other executives used the money to pay for their salaries, cars, golf course memberships and housing for the school's director. Officials say that Philippe quit that bitch last October and the Kabbalah Center also jumped from that sinking ship. The board of the foundation has since been replaced by Madge and her manager. The higher-ups in Malawi are putting the blame on Madge, because they say she was unable to raise the $15 million needed to build the school. Madge put $11 million of her own money into the project. Even though the school isn't going to happen, Madge is still trying to save her foundation by asking Global Philanthropy Group to help. The founder of GPG told the NYT that he advised Madge to cancel plans for the school completely and instead use their cash to further fund education programs that are already in place. Dude went on to slap the foundation's previous management team: "Despite $3.8 million having been spent by the previous management team, the project has not broken ground, there was no title to the land and there was, over all, a startling lack of accountability on the part of the management team in Malawi and the management team in the United States. We have yet to determine exactly what happened to all of that $3.8 million. We have not accounted for all the funds that were used." Madge refused to go into detail about this mess, but said that Raising Malawi will go on even though she's " frustrated that our education work has not moved forward in a faster way ." A MESS! Why didn't Madge put Gary Glass from Desperately Seeking Susan in charge? He would've never let this happen. So no school means no Like a Virgin Kegel exercise class and no Material Girl economics class. Sad. And that Philippe demon better spend time with his ass cheeks while he still has them. Sometime in the near future, Madge is going to slither under his bedroom door, paralyze him with her crotch thrusts and then snap at her cronies to chew his nalgas off. Philippe will be reminded of his betrayal every time he sees Madge on TV stroking at his ass cheeks on her face. She'll throw him a special "I'm coming for your taint next " wink. | |
CREATE MORE ALERTS:
Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted
Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope
Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more
News - Only the news you want, delivered!
Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more
Weather - Get today's weather conditions
| You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089. |
No comments:
Post a Comment