The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
| Jim Carrey Really Wants To Do Emma Stone | Top |
| If you've ever wanted to gaze deep into Jim Carrey's 49-year-old pores while he spills the crazy out in an open ode to his love for 22-year-old Emma Stone , this is the shit for you. Jim lets all of us know what thinks of when he jerks off by saying that if he was 20 years younger he'd make a bunch of fat freckled babies with Emma Stone. Then Jim says that he wishes Emma joy, and happiness, and above all this he wishes her laaaaaaaaauuuuuuuv . This video has since been recorded onto a VHS tape, stuffed into a manila envelope and passed to Kevin Costner who has been hired to protect Emma since Jim is obviously thisclose to moving into one of her front bushes. No. Jim is just telling jokes (I think). Here's the transcript which is best read with the karaoke version of THIS . I just wanted to let you know that I think you're all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled faced kids. We'd laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex? Everyday for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I'm not. I'm 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little grey in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You're pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That's all. We'll also say that Jim is telling jokes when he starts Tweeting about what Emma's toilet paper smells like while he's hiding out inside of her front yard trash can. Emma, the WTF is in your court. But seriously, what the hell kind of poppers did those penguins give Jim?! Source: Jim Carrey via HuffPo | |
| RiRi And J. Cole Might've Made An "Intimate Tape" Together | Top |
| We've already had a few eye fulls of RiRi's bare alien balls and she pretty much humps on an invisible peen on stage, but now Hustler is coming around saying that they've got a tape of her yodeling like an auto-tuned goat gargling while getting it on with rapper J-Cole . J-Cole opened for RiRi on her Loud tour and apparently he's opening something else on the tape. Sort of. Even though one of RiRi's friend is denying that her Bozo the Clown cooch is getting tingled on camera, Hustler swears on their anal beads that they have the " intimate tape " in their lube-smeared hands. They told Radar , " Hustler are in possession of the Rihanna and J-Cole tape. We have seen it and we do not know what we are going to do with it yet." Don't know what to do with it? Did Hustler just get off of the bus from Dontknowfuckville, USA and is skipping through the front gates of the internet for the very first time? When life hands you a celebrity fuck tape, you either a) promise to give said celebrity a cut of the profits and let them clutch their rosary when you leak that shit or b) YOU LEAK THAT SHIT. It's not that hard. But it's probably not worth taking your panties over since Hustler keeps calling it an " intimate tape ." To put it bluntly, intimate tape = no peen in chocha = no cum shot = no thank you. I'm not going to go back to the days where I stole my mom's credit card number to buy some crap movie on the Spice Channel that didn't have a cum shot in it. I'm too grown for no cum shot porns, thankyouverymuch. Here's RiRi in Portofino, Italy today. I'm sure the shit she's doing to that ice cream with her mouth is more hardcore than this shit she does on this "intimate tape. " | |
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