Monday, August 22, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Presenting The Bulge Of Becks Top
Yes, Becks' bulge looks more like a curled up mama hamster nursing her young while twisted up inside of a bed sheet hammock, but it's Monday and I can't write another word (after these words) about the piss whore bride and her dumb dildo groom's wedding. So I thank Becks for keeping me from that by giving himself a front wedgie on Saturday night and showing off his soft-boiled huevos in a blanket. Just for that, I will forgive him for not quitting that Pocahontas Alfalfa shit on his head. And if Becks' nut squeeze* isn't your thing, then I'm sure his invisible Can Can kick line routine is . * It's a damn fucking shame that as Becks' shorts squeezed his nuts he didn't let out a high-pitched Minnie Mouse squeal that could only be heard by Khloe Kardashian, making her paw at her ears in agony, thus ruining Kim's whore wedding.
 
Things That Will Exist: PETA PORN Top
Just when you thought PETA's bowels had no more turnip shit craziness (the vegan equivalent of bat shit) to push out, they have squatted low, got deep and pushed out a giant ridiculous mound of terrifying WTFness. We already know that PETA really stands for Pimping Equalparts Tits and Ass since they use the message of " don't be mean to the animals" to give us tofu titties and soy snatch, but now they're taking things hardcore. PETA tells HuffPo that they are putting together a porn site and have already bought the domain Peta.xxx. For those of you kinky veganphiles out there who think that you will finally get a site full of cauliflower puree facials and dairy-free cream pies, you will be disappointed. PETA says that there will be shots of simple fucking, but they're also going to throw in shots of animals getting tortured. So yeah, you know how hos say that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten? Well, now you'll get to see that kitten getting killed after you beat your meat. This brings a whole new meaning to choking the chicken. This is how those crazies at PETA put it: "We live in a 24 hour news cycle world and we learn the racy things we do are sometimes the most effective way that we can reach particular individuals. We really want to grab people's attention, get them talking and to question the status quo and ultimately take action, because the best way we can help the greatest number of animals is simply by not eating them. PETA's sexy side displayed in galleries and videos will quickly give way to the sinister world of animal mistreatment uncovered by the group's hidden camera investigations in a very different kind of graphic content. There will be a lot of girl and boy next door content, but we haven't ruled out celebrities on the site as well. People who are extraordinarily dedicated to helping animals and who are willing to do whatever it takes to draw attention to the suffering they endure." PETA gets a congratulatory taint slap for fully embracing what they're really good at (aka whoring out tits), but do they know what they're really doing besides busting out the most horrifying STUNT QUEEN move ever? I mean, shots of porn vegans making tofu butter with their crotches mixed with shots of a baby seal getting clubbed? While most of us will stain our keyboards with lube by fapping to ANY other porn site but PETA's, the soon-to-be serial killers of the world have just found their new heaven. " I wish there was a site like that when I was growing up! " - Charles Manson
 
The Spawn Of Kimbo Stewart And Benicio Del Toro Is Here Top
That story about Kimbo Stewart making a fetus with Benicio Del Toro was not a bizarre hallucination your imagination burped up after you were knocked out in a teabagging gone wrong incident involving Cisco Adler's " baby elephant in a long tube sock " nuts. It is a true thing. The rabies-infested wolf hobo of Puerto Rico actually rode Kimbo Stewart bareback and as he howled and she neighed, a wolf-horse hybrid was created. (This proves that not all interspecies love is made of adorable.) And now UsWeekly says that the baby who will remind us all that Kimbo and Benicio fucked once has arrived! While her daddy Rod Stewart and her mom Alana Collins were at the hospital, Kimbo sprawled herself out on a bed of hay and pushed out a baby girl who weighed in at 8lbs and 9oz. Benicio and Kimbo are not together as a couple, so who knows if he showed up at the hospital to welcome his new daughter to his pack by licking her ear fur and sucking the mites out of her neck. Kimbo hasn't said what she's named her daughter, but bitch has to know that there's only one right name and that's Wattafuck Del Toro-Stewart. Because that's pretty much what everyone's going to shout when Baby Wattafuck tells them that her mom is Kimbo Stewart and her dad is Benicio Del Toro.
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 19th! Top
Pssst! Kirstie Alley, if you wear them backwards, you can start your Alli. - jazzfish_77 Runners-up: Free with your purchase of a Corvette! - Skinnymalinky The real reason why they called him The Elephant Man. - natglitter Leaked pictures of the groom's attire for the Kardashian-Humphries wedding. - atlantapug via Poorly Dressed
 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top
The Spaghetti-Pasta-Noodle Fork , because eating sketti is hard! Now, I'm sure most of you just dunk your face into a big bowl of spaghetti and nom nom nom until all that's left are those gross tomato sauce chunks that look like period berries, because operating a fork and spoon at the same time forces your brain parts to work a little. Who the hell wants that? So Bob Balow invented a twirling pasta fork that is so easy that even your drunk ass can use it while deep-throating an Olive Garden endless breadstick with the other hand (I think). But you know as much as this pasta noodle fork is going to CHANGE LIVES, I still think that the best way to eat spaghetti is to liquify it with a half bottle of Absolut Cheddar and then suck it all up through a hallowed Parmesan stick straw. That's basically how the Italians do it. via Buzzfeed
 
Birthday Sluts Top
Tori Amos (48) Rodrigo Santoro (36) Beenie Man (38) Howie Dorough (38) Kristen Wiig (38) Rick Yune (40) Giada De Laurentiis (41) Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (44) Ant (44) Ty Burrell (44) Debbi Peterson of The Bangles (50) Cindy Williams (64) David Chase (66) Valerie Harper (72) Ray Bradbury (91)
 
Life Would Be So Difficult For Kunty Karl If He Had An Ugly Daughter Top
For the new issue of Interview Magazine , Kunty Karl and the former editor of French Vogue Carine Roitfeld had a conversation that was so pretentiously narcissistic that they made Fishsticks Paltrow seem like a humble peasant who knows nothing of outdoor wood burning pizza ovens or rabbit fur tampons. With their pristinely clean colons wrapped around their heads, Carine and Kunty Karl talked about being beyond rich (" You're in your jet—you don't have a grip on reality. We can lose touch with reality quite easily. ) and how she was a prisoner of Vogue ( " You were literally jailed before." ), but the bitch cherry on top of the bitch sundae dropped when he went on about children. Kunty Karl told Carine that his dead insides would die again if he had to raise a daughter who had a face like his. This is the ridiculous piece of solid gold shit that twirled off of Kunty Karl's tongue when the subject of Carine's chirruns came up: "Yes, no one can say that you don't take care of them. You're also lucky because they are very beautiful. It would have been difficult to have an ugly daughter. If I were a woman, I would love to have lots of kids. But for men, I don't believe in it." That shit confirms that vampire zombies can't see their own reflection in mirrors, because I love how Kunty Karl isn't even bringing up the fact that it would be even more difficult for his daughter. Poor little bitch would shit out her heart organ every time he woke her up in the morning. A baby's first words should not be: " DEATH DON'T TAKE ME NOW!!!" At least town virgins with heads like the Willis daughters can sleep easy, because Kunty Karl will never appear in a cloud of Chanel No. 5 at the foot of their beds to siphon the youth out of them with his pursed lips. Kunty Karl only feeds on pretty souls, thankyouverymuch. I swear, Kunty Karl is like if the spirit of Patsy Stone exorcised itself in the zombie body of Tom Hulce as Mozart. He just keeps getting better (read: cuntier) and better (read: cuntier) and I want more! via HuffPo (Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)
 
Chely Wright Got Married Too Top
As Urinal Kake Kardashian initiated Kris Humphries into the Kardashian Kult chapter of the Illuminati by pulling his heart out with her teeth and offering it as a sacrifice to the devils, country singer and blind item star Chely Wright married her piece Lauren Blitzer in Connecticut. Chely tells People that they married at Lauren's auntie's house and chose to keep veils off of their heads because they didn't want to fuck up their mops. Chely is a Christian and Lauren is Jewish, so a rabbi and a minister worked together to bond the two in gayelle matrimony. Chely said this to People about her new wife: "The freedom of being out and open about who I am allowed me to find and fall in love with Lauren – the most amazing woman I've ever known." Never mind that Chely and Lauren's wedding picture looks like one of my friends trying to talk a tanked me from the edge of letting out a drunk barf in the middle of the bar, this is wonderful news for one important reason. The reason being that maybe this will inspire Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon to make the gayngels cry flannel tears by getting married STAT. And John Rich now knows the reason why every single one of his credit cards got declined at Home Depot yesterday. Don't fuck with the gayelles! (Image: Twitter via Just Jared )
 
Stunning. Fresh. Gorgeous. Top
No, this is not a page from the "Buy 1 Get 1 Free " clearance section of a Russian brides catalog that caters to gerontophile gentlemen who are in the market for a pre-owned model. This is Lindsay Lohan (on the left) and White Oprah (on the right) looking like if Jerri Blank brought Aunt Magda as her date to her winter formal. If Florida public access did a low-budget version of The Real Housewives of Boca, this is what it would look like. Blohan and White Oprah peeled themselves out from under the heat lamp on the Sizzler buffet line and Crisco-ed themselves into the finest gowns from Frederick's to watch Kim Kardashian make a Geico caveman her second husband (and counting). Kim's invitation said that all hos must only wear black and/or white, so it's not like Blohan tried to hump the spotlight away from the bride. I wouldn't put it past her, but she had more important things to worry about. Like trying to sneak as many centerpieces into the trunk of her car so she can sell them later on eBay. To see more priceless and coked up pictures of the Orange Chicken Sisters, click over to ONTD or Gossip Center . Those who don't already know will probably spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one came out of the other one's vagina. They're both on the wrong side of 48. But my favorite part of those pictures isn't that they both have the complexion of a chicharone . It's that they both obviously looked into the mirror of delusion and said at the same time, " Damn, bitch, we're going to make dicks rise tonight! " Here's more pictures from Kim's second pre-divorce ceremony of her bridesmaids, Gaycrest, Julianne Hough, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne. This mess looks like one of Charlie Chaplin's black & white bowel movements.
 
Hot Sluts Of The Day! Top
Mattel's Hot Looks Dolls from fuckery's favorite decade The 1980s! Before Maddox, Shiloh, the twin messiahs, Zahara and the other one were struttin' in front of a wall of paps as the most famous It's A Small World crew on the planet, there were the Hot Looks Dolls! The Hot Looks Dolls were a group of " fashion " dolls with pantyhose bodies and harsh hairlines who each came from a different country. There was Zizi from Kenya, Chelsea from England, Elkie from Sweden, Mimi from France and Stacey from the US. Unlike that nipple-less, labia-less nudist Barbie, the Hot Looks Dolls were demure and prude-ish, because their bra and panties were permanently attached to their bodies. They only lasted for a quick minute and I don't know why. Who wouldn't want a doll with slight FAS face who dressed like an extra from Kids INC.?! I know I wanted one, but I was rejected! When I was around 6 or 7, I went to some old witch's garage sale near my mom's friend's house. I had five dollars in my pocket and knew I had to find a friend for the Barbie I stole from my sister. I found Zizi in a box of dolls and when I went to pay for her, the toothless old beast of a bitch with gums as black as her heart said to me, "Oh, you don't want that. What about one of those robots or trucks in that box over there?" What the hell kind of customer service is that?! I had the money and I wasn't even trying to barter with that bitch, yet she turned me down? She was like Snobby Saleswoman #2 from Pretty Woman , but instead of saying " It's very expensive, " she basically said to me, " It's very gay. " If we ever meet again in the afterworld, I hope I'm wearing a suit made entirely of $4 Zizi dolls just so I can say to that old bitch, " Big mistake! HUGE! "
 

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