Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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Afternoon Crumbs Top
It's nice to see that Nicole Kidman's pillow bump is still getting work! - Lainey Gossip The whore unemployment line according to Paris - The Superficial Gay gingers will save the ginger world - Towleroad The most offensive thing about these JLo pictures are those PLATFORM FLIP FLOPS FROM THE 9TH CIRCLE - Hollywood Tuna Well, at least Pimp Mama Kris doesn't have to cut Kris Humphries out of her main whore's People Magazine cover when they get divorced in a couple of years - Celebitchy Will & Jada's photo-op is right on time! - Just Jared Abbey Dawn is still alive?! - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather This Clueless reunion ain't shit without Amber - The Daily What The Duff's got a puff from getting it in the muff (I hate myself for that too) - Popoholic MTV chose the right bitch to host the VMAs this year - The Berry Aaaaan the new Bachelor is....a lesbian ape! - ICYDK Lady in the purple totally just made a wet spot - Popsugar Mila made a rape joke - Celebslam SOMEBODY CLAP ON! I CAN'T SEE SHIT! - (NSFWish) OMG Blog Thirty minutes and an ambulance visit later, dude was in a neck brace - Hollywood Rag Chasing squirrels?! Is that what we're calling getting caught playing in his mommy's red lipstick crypt? - I'm Not Obsessed Regis is jacked - Cityrag Why did this make me miss the days of Kriss Kross ? - Videogum The face Oliver Hudson makes when he walks in on a nekkid ass nekkid Kate Hudson - SOW
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 24th! Top
via Break.com
 
Dave Franco On Dave Franco Top
Wait for it.... Wait for it.... Wait for it.... Or just skip all the kites and strawberries and go straight to the (NSFWish) 1:55 mark. And after all that, I still just want to bead his bushy brows like a friendship pin. Source: FoD via AE (Thanks Nat)
 
Open Post: Hosted By Michael Fassbender In Drag Top
Sometimes it's just the little things in life and today's little thing in life is seeing Michael Ass Bender as the drag baby of Miss Coco Peru and Edina Monsoon in a cut scene from X-Men: First Ass . In the deleted scene, Professor X shows Zoe Kravitz that he has mutant powers by turning Magneto into a fuck me boots-wearing Dragneto in a Ginger Grant wig. Cutting this scene is like cutting off a kitten's whiskers, but we all know why this ended up on the floor. That ice cold cunt queen January Jones just couldn't handle a hot-blooded tramp looking sessier in a pair of go-go boots than her. January took the director Matthew Vaughn aside, performed the freezer burned version of Glenn Close's " I Will Not Be Ignored" scene from Fatal Attraction before threatening to boil his wife's rabbit coat if he didn't put the scissors on Dragneto. So he did. I swear, January Jones hates children , human teddy bears AND Dragneto! January has to know that Dragneto will always looks better than her, and if she doesn't, she needs to take a nap and wake up, baby! This queen knows what I'm talking about: via Entertainment Weekly (Thanks Jacob)
 
Carrie Fisher Drops The Chunk Top
Carrie Fisher was on Today this morning to twirl out the body that is 50 pounds lighter thanks to her contract with Jenny Craig that states if she doesn't lose 50 pounds in 9 months they'll put her in a peen suit and sic John Travolta's hongray hongray hole on them. 54-year-old Carrie told Ann Curry that she decided to drop the chunk, because she couldn't look herself in the mirror anymore and was sick of lugging around two Jabba the Titties. Below is the interview of Carrie talking about how she wants to get back into the metal bikini while Ann Curry nearly pops her busted brows off from trying too hard to act like she really really cares: Carrie knocked the Dominican dick out of John Travolta's mouth and waved it all around, so she can do no wrong. That is why I'm going to assume that Jenny Craig's food has a special chemical in it that turns body fat into a kind of Botox that rises up to your face.
 
Kevin Jonas Does Not Want To Turn Into A Creepy Dog Person Top
Both Brenda Song and Hilary Duff's wombs are full of sacrifices to Mickey Mouse, so Kevin Jonas said on Access Hollywood Live (via WFP ) the other day that he's starting to feel the pressure from hos to produce an heir to the Disney throne with his wife of over a year (YES, they are still married, believe it or not) Danielle Deleasa . Even though Kevin and Danielle sleep in completely different rooms , he says they're going to start making babies....as soon as they realize how babies are made. I'm not going to spoil it for Kevin. That's a touchy conversation for Mickey Mouse to have with Kevin when he busts into a panic attack meltdown after a boy on the playground tells him that the Birds and the Bees is not about a cartoon bird and a cartoon bee. (Side note: I was really disappointed when I found out that the Birds and the Bees was not a story about a damn fucking bird and a damn fucking bee). Kevin put it like this: "It's that point now where people are just like, 'Ok, so you've been married, when are you gonna have a kid?' We've started to realize we might become those weird dog people. We have our two dogs, so we don't want to be those weird dog people, so maybe we're headed there sooner than we thought. It's going to be part of our journey very soon, but not right now, exactly." Weird dog people?! What does Kevin's ass mean by that? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who while he was eating a pear on the couch last night, chewed a little piece off for his chihuahua who kept staring at him with the eyes of a starving Ethiopian child? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who when it rains, holds an umbrella over his shitting dog and doesn't care that a drop of pomade water stung his eyeball? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who performs a remake of Cliffhanger every night by hugging the edge of the bed, because he wants to give his dog as much sprawling room as possible? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who when he goes out of town, calls the boarder and asks them to put his dog on the phone so he can let his pooch know that he hasn't forgotten about him? Is a weird dog person the kind of bitch who wouldn't even be mad if his dog ate his face off after he dropped dead in his apartment, because he knows a ho has to eat? Okay, just making sure, so I know exactly what to tell people after they give me a WTF? look when I say that I can't go out because I have to make my dog a birthday cake out of whole wheat flour and shredded carrots (true story). But seriously, Kevin needs to stop. Both he and Danielle instantly became creepy dog people as soon as they started dating each other.
 
What Did Kimbo Stewart And Benicio Del Toro Name Their Love Child? Top
In case you flushed out the image of Benicio Del Toro's wolf sperm galloping toward one of Kimbo Stewart's equine eggs as the entire animal kingdom cheered at the making of a new hybrid, let me remind you that they made raw sex with each other and also made a baby that she birthed out over the weekend . Benicio and Kimbo still haven't officially released the name of their spawn since they're waiting for his packmaster Raoul to christen the name as he holds their baby up to the moon and howls with her. But Rod Stewart's old ass accidentally blurted it out during an interview with USA Today for his new Las Vegas show. And "I'm a grandfather now," he chirps, singing out the name Delilah , born Sunday to daughter Kimberly, 32 (whose mother is Alana Hamilton Stewart, one of his two exes). "I've been going around blabbing that for hours now." There's half of me that is slow clapping for the name Delilah because it makes her sound like a Biblical whore (I hate that I still watch Friends reruns). The other part of me is throwing punches with my eyes at Benicio's " hungover Gaddafi face" for putting that stupid song about that stupid bitch moving to stupid NYC in my stupid head.
 
William Levy Is Out Of That Showpeens Movie Top
Pull out the Kleenex and a tube of soothing chamomile tea lube, and then gently tell your genitals in a cashmere soft voice that it will not see William Levy's Cuban sandwich nalgas clenching a crisp dollar bill on the (CL)IMAX screen anytime soon. Because the " Cuban Brad Pitt" (HA) has officially said no gracias to a role in Steven Soderbergh's soon-to-be man stripper masterpiece Magic Mike . William was supposed to star in his big breakout role by breaking out the see through salchicha smuggler (or as my mom says in her accent, " see troo" ) and twerking his pecs next to Matt Bomer, Channing Tatum, Joe Man Jello , Matthew McConaughey and Alex Pettyfer, but People En Espanol says it's not going to happen anymore. Let's do this in Spanish, because then your chocha (or man chocha) can take the hint and weep in Spanish (messy, crazy, sweary, rosary-clutching, vase-breaking, etc): Sin embargo, el actor cubano no se unirá al proyecto, pues prefiere dedicar tiempo a evaluar otras posibilidades en la Meca del Cine. "Recibió un acercamiento, pero no estará", dijo Gladys González, su mánager, a PeopleEnEspanol.com. William is famous for telenovela shit and for rolling around on the sand with JLo's ass, so he needs to stop thinking he's too good to sway his peen on camera and take them chonies off! What are all these Hollywood offers that are falling on William's lap? A chance to star opposite an A-list star in a Hollywood blockbuster that will win the box office and win Oscar awards? Yeah, I'm sure William got that casting notice in the mail. William, squint your pretty little eyes and tell me the fine print doesn't say: " Audition held at the Scientology Center. Go to the cellar door on the side of the building, knock the melody to the Top Gun theme song with your fist. Come alone, bring a change of clothes and practice saying the safe word 'glib' over and over again beforehand. " But this is still a tragedy..... It's times like this that I thank my everything for YouTube. The only thing that can calm my parts down is a fat sage joint from Shanti Ananda:
 
Jada & Will's Infinite Cycle Of Love Needs Some WD-40 Top
Seen here in the glory days before Scientology audits and strap-on exhaustion got the best of 'em, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith denied that they're whippin' divorce papers back and forth by letting out a statement that said their marriage is still " intact ." Will and Jada's spokeswhore finally burped out that denial after spending the entire day saying that she does not comment on their personal lives. Blah. Blah. Blah. I kind of cocked (heh, cocked) my head to the side like my dog when I wave a bacon Post-It at his face over Will and Jada's PR ho using the word " intact ." So clinical. It sounds like a word my free clinic nurse practitioner would use after poking at my no-no with a tree branch and beating it with palm leaves before trying to cleanse it with beekeeper smoke. He pulls off his gas mask, the priest pulls the holy water-marinated contact lenses out of his eyes and then he gives me a thumbs up when he says, " INTACT !" That's how the word intact should be used. But wait! TMZ says there's a good reason for why they worded their denial like that. Dun dun dun . A source tells TMZ that their publicist spent the entire day trying to carefully word the statement, because things are not exactly cotton candy queefs and rainbow cum shots. The source claims that Will and Jada's marriage is in trouble and they're trying to fix it. They're all going away as a family soon and it could be one of those " Band-Aid " trips. THANK XENU! The earth can stop shaking now. Will and Jada are not getting divorced. Will and Jada might sue InTouch . Will did not weep after walking in on Jada using Skeletor's skinny ass as a human strap-on to fuck her side piece with (because I refuse to believe they would ever fuck). All is well in the world again. I'm glad that Will and Jada have decided that it's best they stay together for the sake of their children's careers.
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 23rd! Top
Karl Lagerfeld releases his "2011 For Your (Not Mine) Butt Ugly Daughter" Fall line. - caprica six Runners-up: Paris snatches up the role of Squidward in the Spongebob Squarepants movie to avoid the irony of being called 'Mr. Krabs'. - cs182 Inspired by her experience with Ray-J, Kim Kardiashian Kouture features the Golden Shower head piece. - IluvDuranDuran What happens when you apply too much Latisse to your eye lids. - i_heart_jack via Poorly Dressed
 

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