The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- This Bitch Is Still Obsessed With Marilyn Monroe
- Hide Yo Mai Tais, Snookitina Lands In Hawaii!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 24th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day
- Birthday Sluts
| This Bitch Is Still Obsessed With Marilyn Monroe | Top |
| Marilyn Monroe plucked her hairline back two inches and meth plucked Lindsay Lohan's hairline back two inches. One of Marilyn Monroe's most famous moments was when she aired her down low bits over a subway grate and Lindsay Lohan's down low bits probably smell like a subway platform in August. Marilyn Monroe fucked the President of the United States and Lindsay Lohan fucked a dealer who said that he once voted for president of something. Marilyn Monroe died way before her time and Lindsay Lohan's career died way before its time. So naturally, Lindsay Lohan thinks that Marilyn Monroe is her spirit twin and wrote this foreword for Susan Bernard's book Marilyn: Intimate Exposures (via ONTD ): "Marilyn was the beautiful bad girl in that tight, rose-colored dress. The character she played was strong and taking control, which I unconsciously knew at that young age was a necessary quality for a woman. I can understand the photographer Bernard of Hollywood's statement, 'it took a superhuman effort to be Marilyn.' I identify People in their mind have created who I am and act as if there is no real person inside of me. Just like Marilyn. Marilyn never wanted to be just a celebrity. Neither do I … I had always thought that movie stars were in films that would last forever in your mind. But now the films don't. I don't want to be remembered as someone who just wanted to be photographed, who goes out at night, and gets in trouble. Heath Ledger once said to me, 'It's built you up to knock you down and that's all it is. Marilyn said she had no foundation. But she said she was really working on it. I've been trying to do the same thing … I believe in myself and I'm a good actress." I'm no Mike Holmes but can you really build a strong foundation with Red Bull barf, shit balls of delusion and sea jasper dust? This delusion-headed bitch's comment about not wanting to be a celebrity and that story about White Oprah thinking she can get Tina Fey in her movie is reason enough for the Surgeon General to pass a law forcing all drug dealers to slap a warning label on all their Ziploc bags of the illegal bad shit. That label should read, " SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Snorting, smoking, injecting or licking this shit may cause you to form delusions of grandeur in your head. Don't believe my ass? Look at a Lohan ." | |
| Hide Yo Mai Tais, Snookitina Lands In Hawaii! | Top |
| As Hurricane Irene (EXCLUSIVE: whose face looks like this ) fucks with the Caribbean , Hurricane Snookitina blew into Kauai yesterday, making the locals and tourists wonder why all the full booze bottles and red lipstick tubes started shaking like the emotion called " fear " is something they actually feel. Speaking of, an emotion called " h8ing jelizzy" will be felt by orange-glazed luau pigs when their souls take one good look at Xtina and wonder why that special bitch doesn't have an apple in her mouth too. Keep hating, luau pigs! To the left! To the left! No, really, roll to the left, because that part isn't cooked yet. Before Xtina, Baby Max and her rent-a-bitch Matthew Rutler flew into Hawaii, her lawyers threw a threatening eye at those shirt stirrers Media Take Out for implying in so many words that her kid's black eye was caused by her sloppy drunk bitch ways. Xtina's rep quickly said that Baby Max has an ow under his eye from tripping over a rock while chasing squirrels. This shit makes sense, because ALL BOYS OF ALL AGES chase squirrels. (" Michael, you need to stop acting like you'd chase a squirrel even if it had a nut in its mouth. " - you) HOW DARE MEDIA TAKE OUT! Xtina is a seasoned drunk and a wonderful mother. She knows better than to handle her child while the whiskey is taking her higher (or lower, depending on who you ask). Any seasoned drunk parent knows that in order to keep your child completely safe while you're making mouth love with the sweet nectar, you have to tie them to their bed so they can't get into trouble. DUH. Everything you need to know about parenting you should learn from Ginger McKenna . But seriously, if you're going to be a kid with a black eye, it's best to be a kid with a black eye whose mom is Xtina. When Baby Max wakes Xtina up in the afternoon and asks her why she's got a black eye and a bloody chin (aka runny mascara and lipstick), she can say that she got it from chasing Wild Turkey with a Grey Goose. That is the kind of mother son bonding I love to see. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 24th! | Top |
| It was only a matter of time before Leanne Rimes got on Dancing with the Stars. - fleawatch Runners-up: Looks like Jada Pinkett-Smith isn't the only vulture swooping in on Marc Anthony's newly single peen. - perky Winner of the January Jones - Be My Stork contest. - Bat_Boy Larry Craig learned the hard way that the gloryhole at the Washington National Zoo was not all it was cracked up to be. - _fail_ via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day | Top |
| Okay, that headline should really be " Sad Loyal Friend Slut Who Will Make A Weird Unknown Liquid Pour Out Of Your Dry Eye Holes For The Very First Time of the Day ." Navy SEAL, U.S. Petty Officer 1 st Class Jon T. Tumilson died while serving his country on August 6th when Taliban insurgents took down his helicopter in Afghanistan and his funeral was held earlier this week in Rockford, Iowa. Jon's dog Hawkeye came to the funeral, walked up to the casket and paid his final respects by lying down in front of it before letting out a sigh. Jon's cousin Lisa, who took the picture, says that Hawkeye stayed on the floor for a while and refused to leave. There's a video of Hawkeye's sad goodbye, but it plays on an annoying loop and makes him look like he's doing the wiggle. If you need to uphold your reputation as a Styrofoam-hearted block of zero emotion then just tell everybody that your eyes look like that because you beat up an onion earlier for looking at you wrong. Or because you've been injecting liquid bath salts into your eye balls again. One of those. via Buzzfeed | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
| Alexander Skarsgård (35) Alexandra Burke (23) Blake Lively (24) Rachel Bilson (30) Kel Mitchell (33) Jo Dee Messina (41) Claudia Schiffer (41) Cameron Mathison (42) Rachael Ray (43) Blair Underwood (47) Billy Ray Cyrus (50) Tim Burton (53) Elvis Costello (57) Gene Simmons (62) David Canary (73) Tom Skerritt (78) Regis Philbin (80) Sean Connery (81) Monty Hall (90) | |
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