Saturday, August 27, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Yahoo! Alerts
My Alerts

The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Programming Note & Afternoon Crumbs Top
Programming Note: This will probably be my last post of the day, because I'm flying to California in a few hours to do some Driving Miss Daisy shit. My mom had shoulder surgery and can't operate a motor vehicle (OR SO SHE SAYS) so I have to chauffeur her around while she yells at me to not drive so fast and to count to 5 at every stop sign before hitting the gas. I'll be doing this for the next 3 weeks. Fun! My flight isn't until tonight, but I'm leaving early since I've been told that the highways are full of Apocalypse-ready hos marching towards the safe lands. I know, perfect timing, especially since my apartment is in a mandatory evacuation zone. I'm not even trying to board shit. I'm taking my dog, the only t-shirt I wear and saying a prayer that Irene doesn't break my favorite new bong. But anyway, fuck that bitch Irene, In-N-Out here I come! Now on to crumbs.... Andrew Garfield is so the Anne Archer to Jim Carrey's Glenn Close - Lainey Gossip If Brit Brit was our history teacher, we'd all get As, because ho doesn't know which letters come after that - The Superficial Team Orange Flowers - Towleroad Lacey Schwimmer or Brooke Hogan in a fun house mirror? - Hollywood Tuna White Oprah's sumptuous skin looks like old coke marinating in kitchen grease - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Beyonce's new video looks like a commercial for House of Derriere's new line of glitter lube - Celebitchy Justin Theroux is putting Sugar Mama Aniston's credit card to good use - Just Jared Are you happy to see me or is that just an AAAAAAAAAAHHHH THAT'S A FUCKING SNAKE YOU CRAZY BITCH! - The Daily What Man Down Code 10: Posh in flats - Popsugar Peter Facinelli should always look like this - ICYDK I'll say it, KAT FIGHT! - Crunk + Disorderly Knocked up Duff , take 1 - Popoholic Knocked up Duff , take 2 - Hollywood Rag Did Cee Lo explode on a solid gold disco ball or did a solid gold disco ball explode on Cee Lo? - Moe Jackson RiRi's new video sponsored by a Flip camera with no flash - The Berry Pussy hole - Cityrag (Image Source: instagr.am via Buzzfeed )
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 26th! Top
via Poorly Dressed
 
Open Post: Hosted By Emile After Dentist Top
Anybody who gets taken up up and away with anesthesia ends up sounding like the talking version of Courtney Love's old Twitter account and here's Emile Hirsch demonstrating that mess for you. Emile got his wisdom teef yanked out and uploaded the video of the aftermath. Dude is speaking my language by slurring about unicorns and shit. If you're in NYC, take a good look, because this will be you on Sunday night when you're laid up on an evacuation shelter cot after drinking all of the FEMA vodka (they have that, right?). via Just Jared
 
Baby Brahim Is Just Checking Top
The sea creatures of the South of France got a taste of piss from one of Madge's babies yesterday when they just couldn't hold it and had to make a pee in the Mediterranean Sea (SPOILER ALERT: It wasn't Rocco, Mercy, Lourdes or David). At least I think Baby Brahim is trying to pinch his pee pee hole in that picture above. Or maybe he's checking to make sure that Madge's vadge only swallowed one huevo during the youth sucking ceremony from the night before. Probably the latter. Madge took her entire family of BABIES!!! to Eden Roc yesterday and watched as they frolicked in the sea in their bathing suits while she was pretty much covered from the neck down. You can laugh all you want at how Madge is covering up her carcass the same way a fat kid covers up his titties during P.E. pool hour, but she is a damn genius. You didn't think a vampire cougar could openly laugh at the sun like that. That vampire cougar don't care. The hardened mask of creamed fetuses over her face and that weird bathing outfit is making the sun her bitch. Try her, Antonia Gavilán de Logroño ! Try her! I swear, Vampire Beehl could learn a thing or twenty from this bitch.
 
When The Pimp Becomes The Ho Top
The Chenbot has pulled the chairs right out from under Leah Remini and Holly Robinson Peete's asses and so CBS has to replace them with two squawking hyenas who will screech out ridiculousness while Sara Gilbert rolls her eyes and wonders what became of her fucking life. CBS is obviously trying to make us actually miss that chapped hard bitch Leah Remini by replacing her with a bigger monster: PIMP MAMA KRIS ! Entertainment Weekly says that the wild beast wrangler and pimp extraordinaire will guest host for two weeks starting in September. The producers are considering on using Pimp Mama Kris as a cheap substitute whenever Sharon Osbourne is away from the couch. Comedian Sheryl Underwood will also be a guest host and is being considered as a permanent squawker. Pimp Mama Kris was on the right track to break Bishop Don " Magic " Juan's record for the most Pimp of the Year victories at the Players Ball until she decided that she needs to put her melted claymation face in front of the cameras more. Would Nichelle Nichols ever join her own line-up of whores ? NEVER! Pimps should be waving their canes from behind the scenes! Kris needs to stop playing with the camera and go get her damn nose re-rotated, because if I put a top hat and a monocle on it, that shit would look like an upside/down Mr. Peanut. And since it never gets old, here's a lost scene from Keeping Up with the Kardashians of Pimp Mama Kris schooling her whores during a family meeting:
 
Jim Carrey's Love Video To Emma Stone Was Just A Serious Joke Top
Jim Carrey's open video love letter to 22-year-old Emma Stone that launched a thousand restraining orders was meant as a joke, so says his publicist. A joke that he was completely serious about. When that mess came out, some said Jim was just doing comedy and others said that it was creepier than my fan fiction Skype sex with the Anderson Cooper cardboard cutout I set up in front of my other computer in the bedroom. Jim says it's both serious and a joke! Jim's rep said it's a " comical love letter" and he explained it like this on Twitter : Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru. www.jimcarreytrulife.com People often ask me if i'm being funny or serious. The answer is "YES". ?;^] "It's a comical love letter" is exactly what the #1 suspect in a girl's disappearance would say after the FBI find a video like this on her hard drive. No. Again it's just jokes. But before Jim is arrested for trespassing after he's caught licking up " Emma Stone's footsteps" from the welcome mat outside of her house, he needs to do something about it. By that I mean Jim needs to move to Ireland, glue a merkin to his chest, stock up on ass numbing cream and buy an Emma Stone mask for Sinead O'Connor to wear. Both of those horny hos need to get fucked so they might as well get fucked together.
 
Nothing Compares To Peen Top
Attention all half-blind, stubble-having, employed rugby players who are not named Brian or Nigel, Sinead O'Connor is hornier than a Catholic priest at an altar boy open call and is looking to get dicked before she starts humping cab bumpers (her words). There comes a time in every DFD (desperate for dick) gay's life when he falls in love with Sinead all over again and this is the time for me. Sinead's hungry hungry O'Poon is chomping at the bit and she put its moans for peen into words on her blog . Sinead sounds so desperate that a ho would think her only requirement is a " getup ready dick, " but she actually gets pretty specific. Very specific. My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that's going to happen to me if I don't take drastic action. Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing. So I've been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives. Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man. He must be no younger than 44. Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog. Must not be named Brian or Nigel. Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous. Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply. Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies. I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply. No hair gel. No hair dryer use. No hair dye Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me. No after shave. Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam. Must be wham-bam. Has to like his mother. Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children. Has to live in own place. I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com Sinead posted this plead for peen on August 20th and she thought she found a hairy fuck beast to handle her right, but then he told her he has a knocked up girlfriend. So Sinead's vagina is back to shooting out flares and the search continues. Sinead has since dropped the " No Brians or Nigels" requirement and said she'll also consider ladies. Oh, and if you cringe at the poop noodle, Sinead isn't interested. I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown'.. Don't apply... I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too. The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. I hereby nominate Sinead O'Connor as head writer of all our Craigslist, Grindr and OKCupid ads. via ONTD
 
Minka Kelly & Derek Jeter Aren't Doing It Anymore Top
Now is the time to empty your piggy penis bank and invest all of those coins in Valtrex since that stock is going to fly higher than Derek Jeter's succulent chichi balls when he jumps, because his dick is back out on the stroll. Minka Kelly's spokeswhore tells People that they have split up after 3 years together, but she'll still think of him fondly every time she has to come up with a creative way to scratch at the herp bumps on her chocha in public. Yeah, that's why you sometimes see Minka Kelly and MiserAlba break out into the Tootsie Roll for absolutely no fucking reason. But here's a tip, Minka. POCKETS! Don't leave home without 'em. Pockets aren't for storing shit, they're there so that your sneaky hand can scratch at the gift that keeps on outbreaking while around public eyes. Pockets are also there so you can relocate your dick when it gets caught in your nut thigh alley, but I don't think Minka has that problem. Here's what the second-tier Leighton Meester impersonator's rep had to say about this shit: "They care about each other and it was amicable. They're still friends." I'm surprised they lasted this long. That mega man whore Derek Jeter must have a mute button on his ears, because Minka's voice is like the sound equivalent of chewing aluminum foil. Bitch's voice is the worst. It sounds like a whiny baby with nasal allergies trying to do a voice impersonation of JLo. But this is still sad news (no, it isn't). Now who is Minka going to whine to when an asshole of a flight attendant refuses to let her stupid dog sit with her in first class? That's a problem worse than coochie warts.
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 25th! Top
Finally, a solution to the number one problem for men in America! A Urinal with Electronic GPS Guided Peen Control to prevent drips when wearing sandals. - loozer Runners-up: Empty Bladders and Happy Endings. That sound you hear is R. Kelly rushing to get that shit trademarked. - cs182 It has three different settings: Firm, Extra Firm, and Scientologist. - magusxxx With her Jersey Shore dividends, Snooki can now afford this state of art midget super shower, complete with soaping - Emeriesan via PIU
 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top
Matt Zarley , gay pop bear superstar! In honor of the MTV VMAs this weekend, here's the homo masterpiece that should've scooted glittery skid marks of peeña colada lube through every single category. A gigantic rainbow peen dropped from the sky and a bear made of pillow feathers slid out of its urethra and delivered Matt Zarley's video for WTF (a video that I hate myself for missing when it was delivered to the internet months ago ). Matt lip synchs FOR HIS LIFE about the heartbreak a bear feels when he catches his cub partaking in daytime pillow fights (???) and backyard garden hose battles (????) with other cubs. Yes, it's that moment when you find out that your bacon-burning piece is actually a 9-year-old ABC Family girl character trapped in the body of a gay cub. This is like dunking your face and opening your eyes in a honey pot full of rainbow-colored melted cheese that is starting to crust around the edges. This mess of a song just bleached my asshole and singed the border jumping hairs around my beard. So now I've got an anus like a unicorn mouth puckering and a perfectly manicured beard. I can cancel that appointment this weekend! And to be honest, I'd be pissed at my bitch for wasting delicious bacon to have a stupid garden hose fight. Seriously, what grown ass slut gets into a non-euphemism garden hose fight?!
 

CREATE MORE ALERTS:

Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted

Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope

Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more

News - Only the news you want, delivered!

Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more

Weather - Get today's weather conditions




You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089.
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)