Saturday, August 27, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Brad Pitt Saves Lives! Top
Every Sunday, every preacher in every church uses his or her opening sermon to remind everyone that when St. Angelina Jolie queefs, a third world orphan who's on his or her last breath suddenly develops the lungs of a bottomless asthma inhaler. We all know this. But did you know that Brad Pitt also has the power to save a mere mortal from getting eaten by death? Well, the bitch does and he left every ho in awe when he rescued a lady extra on the set of his zombie movie World War Z in Glasgow. Fishsticks Paltrow's old Mercedes SUV just let out a NOT IMPRESSED puff. People says that during a zombie mob scene, one extra slipped, hit the ground and was making peace with the fact that the last thing she'd ever see was a bunch of hungry zombie faces (sort of like what you see when you look at Angie Jo through a kaleidoscope). But then it happened. The greasy golden locks on Brad Pitt's head turned into a Crisco halo and he appeared in a cloud of holy smoke to save a ho! Savior Brad picked the lady off the ground and carried her to safety. Someone who witnessed Brad doing hero shit said this about the heroic act, "I don't think she could believe it when Brad picked her up. He didn't have time to speak to her as it was mid-shoot. But she said afterwards how grateful she was, despite having a badly-grazed knee." The source later added, " And when she got home that night, she looked at her phone and saw a text message from the twin messiahs that only said, 'coo.' She immediately knew what to do. She put her phone's screen up to her badly-grazed knee and gasped when it magically turned into a scar shaped like Maddox's head. She will charge Brangeloonies $5 to touch it and will donate the money to Maddox's Children In Need of Black Clothes Fund. " This is why we should never underestimate the saintly powers of Brangelina. And we should also never underestimate Brad's publicist's ability to turn a "Brad helped some ho up " story into " BRAD PITT IS THE HERO BONNIE TYLER WAS HOLDING OUT FOR!!!!!!1!!!!" story.
 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top
The treasure chest of 1980s glamour that is THE CABOODLE! Any glamorous being of beauty from the 1980s who always looked like she just rolled out of THE EYES HAVE IT kept all of her magic and secrets in a double decker pastel box of wonder called The Caboodle. Whenever I saw a ho carrying around a Caboodle, I knew she was hardcore about her beauty. The Caboodle is where all your Wet 'N Wild and Great Lash dreams slept while waiting for you to pull them out and graffiti your face with them. Dlisted reader Ms. Jackson nominated this work of art that should really have a place in Smithsonian and had this to say about every beauty's war paint carrier of choice: I have a contender. The Caboodle. Any badass bitch from the 80 and 90s knows about this make-up case. Just look @ the colours...you know Kelly Kapowski had one! I thought I was the hottest thing living when I filled mine up with frosty eyeshadows and black eyeliner (which I lined my lips with btw). It needs some recognition and respect, please make it the Hot Slut of the Day!!! Or if you're like me, you stole your cousin's Caboodle, poured all of her shit out of it and used the bottom part as a wading pool for your Catra doll. Just looking at those pictures of The Caboodle are filling my nostrils with the scent of Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers, old mascara, Exclamation perfume and a subtle note of Windex. You know that even to this day, Xtina pulls out her Caboodle when she's feeling low and softly caresses it with her spray painted cheek while whispering in its compartments that it is the only thing that truly understands her. Long live THE CABOODLE! Actually, the name " caboodle " will live on for decades to come since that's John Travolta's nickname for the noodles that go in his caboose.
 
Birthday Sluts Top
Diane Scarwid (56) Alexa Vega (23) Mario (25) Aaron Paul (32) Sarah Chalke (35) Jonny Moseley (36) Mase (36) Cesar Milan (42) Chandra Wilson (42) Bobo of Cypress Hill (43) Yolanda Adams (50) Tom Ford (50) Downtown Julie Brown (52) Peter Stormare (58) Paul Reubens (59) Barbara Bach (64) Tuesday Weld (68) Daryl Dragon (The Captain from Captain & Tennille) (69)
 
Programming Note & Afternoon Crumbs Top
Programming Note: This will probably be my last post of the day, because I'm flying to California in a few hours to do some Driving Miss Daisy shit. My mom had shoulder surgery and can't operate a motor vehicle (OR SO SHE SAYS) so I have to chauffeur her around while she yells at me to not drive so fast and to count to 5 at every stop sign before hitting the gas. I'll be doing this for the next 3 weeks. Fun! My flight isn't until tonight, but I'm leaving early since I've been told that the highways are full of Apocalypse-ready hos marching towards the safe lands. I know, perfect timing, especially since my apartment is in a mandatory evacuation zone. I'm not even trying to board shit. I'm taking my dog, the only t-shirt I wear and saying a prayer that Irene doesn't break my favorite new bong. But anyway, fuck that bitch Irene, In-N-Out here I come! Now on to crumbs.... Andrew Garfield is so the Anne Archer to Jim Carrey's Glenn Close - Lainey Gossip If Brit Brit was our history teacher, we'd all get As, because ho doesn't know which letters come after that - The Superficial Team Orange Flowers - Towleroad Lacey Schwimmer or Brooke Hogan in a fun house mirror? - Hollywood Tuna White Oprah's sumptuous skin looks like old coke marinating in kitchen grease - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Beyonce's new video looks like a commercial for House of Derriere's new line of glitter lube - Celebitchy Justin Theroux is putting Sugar Mama Aniston's credit card to good use - Just Jared Are you happy to see me or is that just an AAAAAAAAAAHHHH THAT'S A FUCKING SNAKE YOU CRAZY BITCH! - The Daily What Man Down Code 10: Posh in flats - Popsugar Peter Facinelli should always look like this - ICYDK I'll say it, KAT FIGHT! - Crunk + Disorderly Knocked up Duff , take 1 - Popoholic Knocked up Duff , take 2 - Hollywood Rag Did Cee Lo explode on a solid gold disco ball or did a solid gold disco ball explode on Cee Lo? - Moe Jackson RiRi's new video sponsored by a Flip camera with no flash - The Berry Pussy hole - Cityrag (Image Source: instagr.am via Buzzfeed )
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 26th! Top
via Poorly Dressed
 
Open Post: Hosted By Emile After Dentist Top
Anybody who gets taken up up and away with anesthesia ends up sounding like the talking version of Courtney Love's old Twitter account and here's Emile Hirsch demonstrating that mess for you. Emile got his wisdom teef yanked out and uploaded the video of the aftermath. Dude is speaking my language by slurring about unicorns and shit. If you're in NYC, take a good look, because this will be you on Sunday night when you're laid up on an evacuation shelter cot after drinking all of the FEMA vodka (they have that, right?). via Just Jared
 
Baby Brahim Is Just Checking Top
The sea creatures of the South of France got a taste of piss from one of Madge's babies yesterday when they just couldn't hold it and had to make a pee in the Mediterranean Sea (SPOILER ALERT: It wasn't Rocco, Mercy, Lourdes or David). At least I think Baby Brahim is trying to pinch his pee pee hole in that picture above. Or maybe he's checking to make sure that Madge's vadge only swallowed one huevo during the youth sucking ceremony from the night before. Probably the latter. Madge took her entire family of BABIES!!! to Eden Roc yesterday and watched as they frolicked in the sea in their bathing suits while she was pretty much covered from the neck down. You can laugh all you want at how Madge is covering up her carcass the same way a fat kid covers up his titties during P.E. pool hour, but she is a damn genius. You didn't think a vampire cougar could openly laugh at the sun like that. That vampire cougar don't care. The hardened mask of creamed fetuses over her face and that weird bathing outfit is making the sun her bitch. Try her, Antonia Gavilán de Logroño ! Try her! I swear, Vampire Beehl could learn a thing or twenty from this bitch.
 
When The Pimp Becomes The Ho Top
The Chenbot has pulled the chairs right out from under Leah Remini and Holly Robinson Peete's asses and so CBS has to replace them with two squawking hyenas who will screech out ridiculousness while Sara Gilbert rolls her eyes and wonders what became of her fucking life. CBS is obviously trying to make us actually miss that chapped hard bitch Leah Remini by replacing her with a bigger monster: PIMP MAMA KRIS ! Entertainment Weekly says that the wild beast wrangler and pimp extraordinaire will guest host for two weeks starting in September. The producers are considering on using Pimp Mama Kris as a cheap substitute whenever Sharon Osbourne is away from the couch. Comedian Sheryl Underwood will also be a guest host and is being considered as a permanent squawker. Pimp Mama Kris was on the right track to break Bishop Don " Magic " Juan's record for the most Pimp of the Year victories at the Players Ball until she decided that she needs to put her melted claymation face in front of the cameras more. Would Nichelle Nichols ever join her own line-up of whores ? NEVER! Pimps should be waving their canes from behind the scenes! Kris needs to stop playing with the camera and go get her damn nose re-rotated, because if I put a top hat and a monocle on it, that shit would look like an upside/down Mr. Peanut. And since it never gets old, here's a lost scene from Keeping Up with the Kardashians of Pimp Mama Kris schooling her whores during a family meeting:
 
Jim Carrey's Love Video To Emma Stone Was Just A Serious Joke Top
Jim Carrey's open video love letter to 22-year-old Emma Stone that launched a thousand restraining orders was meant as a joke, so says his publicist. A joke that he was completely serious about. When that mess came out, some said Jim was just doing comedy and others said that it was creepier than my fan fiction Skype sex with the Anderson Cooper cardboard cutout I set up in front of my other computer in the bedroom. Jim says it's both serious and a joke! Jim's rep said it's a " comical love letter" and he explained it like this on Twitter : Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru. www.jimcarreytrulife.com People often ask me if i'm being funny or serious. The answer is "YES". ?;^] "It's a comical love letter" is exactly what the #1 suspect in a girl's disappearance would say after the FBI find a video like this on her hard drive. No. Again it's just jokes. But before Jim is arrested for trespassing after he's caught licking up " Emma Stone's footsteps" from the welcome mat outside of her house, he needs to do something about it. By that I mean Jim needs to move to Ireland, glue a merkin to his chest, stock up on ass numbing cream and buy an Emma Stone mask for Sinead O'Connor to wear. Both of those horny hos need to get fucked so they might as well get fucked together.
 
Nothing Compares To Peen Top
Attention all half-blind, stubble-having, employed rugby players who are not named Brian or Nigel, Sinead O'Connor is hornier than a Catholic priest at an altar boy open call and is looking to get dicked before she starts humping cab bumpers (her words). There comes a time in every DFD (desperate for dick) gay's life when he falls in love with Sinead all over again and this is the time for me. Sinead's hungry hungry O'Poon is chomping at the bit and she put its moans for peen into words on her blog . Sinead sounds so desperate that a ho would think her only requirement is a " getup ready dick, " but she actually gets pretty specific. Very specific. My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that's going to happen to me if I don't take drastic action. Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing. So I've been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives. Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man. He must be no younger than 44. Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog. Must not be named Brian or Nigel. Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous. Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply. Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies. I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply. No hair gel. No hair dryer use. No hair dye Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me. No after shave. Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam. Must be wham-bam. Has to like his mother. Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children. Has to live in own place. I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com Sinead posted this plead for peen on August 20th and she thought she found a hairy fuck beast to handle her right, but then he told her he has a knocked up girlfriend. So Sinead's vagina is back to shooting out flares and the search continues. Sinead has since dropped the " No Brians or Nigels" requirement and said she'll also consider ladies. Oh, and if you cringe at the poop noodle, Sinead isn't interested. I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown'.. Don't apply... I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too. The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. I hereby nominate Sinead O'Connor as head writer of all our Craigslist, Grindr and OKCupid ads. via ONTD
 

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