Thursday, August 25, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 25th! Top
via PIU
 
Open Posted: Hosted By Gaddafi's Condi Rice Fap Book Top
When rebels broke into Stunt Queen Gaddafi's compound, they found a closet full of a glamorous mess wardrobe inspired by Dorothy Zbornak and Liberace's favorite fainting couch . But the best thing they found was an entire scrapbook book devoted to Condoleezza Rice. There was page after page of up-close pictures of Condi. Gaddafi said that he was taken by the " black woman of African origin" when their eyes met during a visit in 2008. I don't need CNN to tell me that they also found a light pink Pee Chee folder with " Mr. Muammar Rice " written in a strawberry-scented glitter marker, a mix-tape of boy band love songs he titled " Gaddaleeza Fo EVA " and a video where he says he hopes they have a bunch of chubby gap-toothed babies together . Too bad their love can never be. A breaking Gaddafi heart sounds just like jizz stuck picture pages getting torn apart by a rebel. Source: MSNBC via Buzzfeed
 
Today, We're All That Dude In The Blue T-Shirt Top
Here's Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy mouth kissing in front of their newborn Google Goldie at a cafe in London while a man of the people makes a " Waitress, there's a BARF in my soup! " face! The only time I want to see a dwarf kiss an elf out in public is in Narnia! Is a talking lion walking the streets in front of that cafe? Nope. Therefore, it's not Narnia, so keep your lips to yourselves! Before you call me a prude who hates public displays of affection, fuck your throat with your tongue. I never said I hated public displays of affection. Giving a beej in front of a back alley dumpster to a strange dude you just met by the cigarette machine = OKAY Giving G-rated lovey kisses to the father of your child inside of an eating establishment = NOT OKAY
 
Wait, Simon Cowell Isn't Already Frozen? Top
When Simon Cowell hears "It's a NO from me" from Heaven's gate keeper Bea Arthur after he dies in a tragic self-motorboat accident , he wants his earth body to match the ice cold pile of dead heart meat in his chest. The killer of dreams tells GQ that he wants to pull some Walt Disney shit after he dies by getting cryogenically frozen: "It's an insurance policy. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it does work, I'll be happy. If it's possible, and I think it will be, why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it's a good idea." I have a feeling that if I don't do it now. I could regret this in 300 years' time." Simon Cowell needs to use all of his zillions of dollars on more important things. Like keeping Paula Abdul out of trouble during breaks on the X-Factor by building a giant Vicodin pill for her to eat herself out of. Because Simon will not be needed in 300 years. All of the singing will be done by Chinese made robot clones of Celine Dion, and nipple-hugging v-neck shirts will be extinct since everybody will wear Hazmat suits to protect themselves from the apocalypse dust that will cover the earth after the birth of Kimtin Kardashian-Bieber in the 2030s. So what is Simon going to wear?! Besides, does Simon understand that when they freeze your dead body, everything gets stiff and fuck-ready? EVERYTHING. What if Gaycrest outlives Simon? Yup, if I was a Google bot in Ryan Seacrest's laptop, I'd definitely be searching for "cryogenic chamber with a dick hole" right about now.
 
Darlene Conner Is Single! Top
The myth that lesbians are like swans in that they never break up (and are picky about the kind of fish they peck at) has been debunked again! Sara Gilbert , Darlene from Roseanne turned head cackling hen tamer on The Talk , and her partner of 10 years Allison Adler have closed their legs to each other and ended their love. We better form a prayer circle around Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon in case gayelle break-ups happen in twos. Sara's rep tells People that she and Allison will share custody of their 6-year-old son Levi and their 5-year-old daughter Sawyer. The rep went on to say that the break up was completely clean and you don't have to keep checking Blogspot to see if Allison started a blog where she'll pour out some lesbian realness and say that Sara's box of new rubber dicks fucked a crack into her heart. Typing this next part might make the system error "FILE NOT FOUND" pop up on my monitor every time I try to play an Indigo Girls song on iTunes, but maybe this shit is for the best. WELL, I'm fucking selfish! If Sara and Allison stayed together, they probably would've gotten married, eventually. Then if they would've gotten married, Sara might have dropped the Gilbert from her name to become Sara Adler. If that happened, then I wouldn't read the name Sara Gilbert as often as I do. That shit would be the worst. Because every time I see " Sara Gilbert, " I read her last name in Leonardo DiCaprio's " What's Eating Gilbert Grape" voice. I just picture Leonardo stuck in a tree while screaming " Giiiiiiiilbuuuuuuuurt " at Johnny Depp . I don't want that to ever change.
 

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