The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Jim Carrey's Love Video To Emma Stone Was Just A Serious Joke
- Nothing Compares To Peen
- Minka Kelly & Derek Jeter Aren't Doing It Anymore
| Jim Carrey's Love Video To Emma Stone Was Just A Serious Joke | Top |
| Jim Carrey's open video love letter to 22-year-old Emma Stone that launched a thousand restraining orders was meant as a joke, so says his publicist. A joke that he was completely serious about. When that mess came out, some said Jim was just doing comedy and others said that it was creepier than my fan fiction Skype sex with the Anderson Cooper cardboard cutout I set up in front of my other computer in the bedroom. Jim says it's both serious and a joke! Jim's rep said it's a " comical love letter" and he explained it like this on Twitter : Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru. www.jimcarreytrulife.com People often ask me if i'm being funny or serious. The answer is "YES". ?;^] "It's a comical love letter" is exactly what the #1 suspect in a girl's disappearance would say after the FBI find a video like this on her hard drive. No. Again it's just jokes. But before Jim is arrested for trespassing after he's caught licking up " Emma Stone's footsteps" from the welcome mat outside of her house, he needs to do something about it. By that I mean Jim needs to move to Ireland, glue a merkin to his chest, stock up on ass numbing cream and buy an Emma Stone mask for Sinead O'Connor to wear. Both of those horny hos need to get fucked so they might as well get fucked together. | |
| Nothing Compares To Peen | Top |
| Attention all half-blind, stubble-having, employed rugby players who are not named Brian or Nigel, Sinead O'Connor is hornier than a Catholic priest at an altar boy open call and is looking to get dicked before she starts humping cab bumpers (her words). There comes a time in every DFD (desperate for dick) gay's life when he falls in love with Sinead all over again and this is the time for me. Sinead's hungry hungry O'Poon is chomping at the bit and she put its moans for peen into words on her blog . Sinead sounds so desperate that a ho would think her only requirement is a " getup ready dick, " but she actually gets pretty specific. Very specific. My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that's going to happen to me if I don't take drastic action. Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing. So I've been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives. Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man. He must be no younger than 44. Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog. Must not be named Brian or Nigel. Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous. Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply. Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies. I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply. No hair gel. No hair dryer use. No hair dye Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me. No after shave. Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam. Must be wham-bam. Has to like his mother. Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children. Has to live in own place. I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com Sinead posted this plead for peen on August 20th and she thought she found a hairy fuck beast to handle her right, but then he told her he has a knocked up girlfriend. So Sinead's vagina is back to shooting out flares and the search continues. Sinead has since dropped the " No Brians or Nigels" requirement and said she'll also consider ladies. Oh, and if you cringe at the poop noodle, Sinead isn't interested. I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown'.. Don't apply... I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too. The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. I hereby nominate Sinead O'Connor as head writer of all our Craigslist, Grindr and OKCupid ads. via ONTD | |
| Minka Kelly & Derek Jeter Aren't Doing It Anymore | Top |
| Now is the time to empty your piggy penis bank and invest all of those coins in Valtrex since that stock is going to fly higher than Derek Jeter's succulent chichi balls when he jumps, because his dick is back out on the stroll. Minka Kelly's spokeswhore tells People that they have split up after 3 years together, but she'll still think of him fondly every time she has to come up with a creative way to scratch at the herp bumps on her chocha in public. Yeah, that's why you sometimes see Minka Kelly and MiserAlba break out into the Tootsie Roll for absolutely no fucking reason. But here's a tip, Minka. POCKETS! Don't leave home without 'em. Pockets aren't for storing shit, they're there so that your sneaky hand can scratch at the gift that keeps on outbreaking while around public eyes. Pockets are also there so you can relocate your dick when it gets caught in your nut thigh alley, but I don't think Minka has that problem. Here's what the second-tier Leighton Meester impersonator's rep had to say about this shit: "They care about each other and it was amicable. They're still friends." I'm surprised they lasted this long. That mega man whore Derek Jeter must have a mute button on his ears, because Minka's voice is like the sound equivalent of chewing aluminum foil. Bitch's voice is the worst. It sounds like a whiny baby with nasal allergies trying to do a voice impersonation of JLo. But this is still sad news (no, it isn't). Now who is Minka going to whine to when an asshole of a flight attendant refuses to let her stupid dog sit with her in first class? That's a problem worse than coochie warts. | |
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