Monday, August 22, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Afternoon Crumbs Top
Taken seconds after JLo let out a fart. Survivors: unknown - The Berry The Hoff thrusts his shit at London's G-A-Y and temporarily turns everyone S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T- Lainey Gossip In Blohan's defense, I'd get closed-eyed tanked too if I had to sit through that fake wedding - The Superficial This is what Brad Pitt's assistant looks like - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Chloe Sevigny meets Chloe Sevigny - Towleroad The leader of the Anti-Plastic Face Brigadeorwhatever almost got burned alive or something - Celebitchy Oh yeah, RiRi can openly dry bang her coochie in front of thousands of people, but when I dry bang my no-no in the middle of a bar I get introduced to the curb - Hollywood Tuna Still more talented and less creepy than Justin Bieber - The Daily What Brad Pitt's hair is looking Salon Selectives fresh on the cover of New York Magazine - Just Jared Somebody pissed in that pool and it was totally Jason Segel - Popoholic So much natural beauty, so little time to wait at the free clinic - Hollywood Rag Way to disrespect an ice cream cone - Videogum And here's Will Smith's nipples if your Monday calls for that - Popsugar Marc Jacobs will probably take over Dior - OMG Blog Conan O'Brien Barbarian - Cityrag Jennifer Garner is either smuggling a baby in there or one of Ben Affleck's wigs - ICYDK Zuma Rossdale's costume abs look more real than Mr. Paparazzi's abs - I'm Not Obsessed
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 22nd! Top
via Eat Liver (Thanks Jon)
 
What In Heroes In A Half Shell Hell?! Top
Since we're already on the subject of horror show torsos that can be the next Batman villain, here's Darryn Lyons (aka Mr. Paparazzi ) from the UK's Celebrity Big Brother proudly flashing his bought-and-paid-for fake six-pack gut that looks exactly what Ryan Reynold's body would look like if he shoved a bike pump up his ass and pumped until he was about pop. I blame Matt Luca s for giving a bitch ideas. Darryn bragged to his housemate, Paddy of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding , that he got the dude equivalent of a boob job. More like the asshole equivalent of LeAnn Rimes' sternum tits. Darryn said that a plastic surgeon liposuctioned a bunch of chunk from his gut to bring out his ab muscles. Darryn went on to explain, " I had contouring done to my body. I had to get really fit and lose a fair bit of weight. It takes away all the fat around it and actually lets your natural abs be there. Basically it's the male version of a boob job ." I'm all for almost wet vacuuming up your internal organs for the sake of deformed vanity, but that bitch has to know this looks about as natural as one of those six-pack t-shirts . The abs part of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume wrapped in pastry dough would look better than this shit. Actually, this fool looks like he's wearing a turtle shell over his belly. It's like if King Koopa was in the middle of an exorcism skull spin and his head got stuck facing the wrong way. Darryn is giving us a glimpse of The Situation's midlife crisis and nobody asked for it. That being said, I'd still hit it. WELL, while you're riding that shit you can play a half-court game of Tic-Tac-Toe on his hard gut. How can I turn down a half-court game of Tic-Tac-Toe? via The Mirror
 
Open Post: Hosted By OctoMom's Battle Scars Top
In case you needed more visual proof for why stuffing your body with 8 babies at one time is not a good idea, here's the forever insane OctoMom showing off her war torn un-Photoshopped belly at a " celebrity " (bitches stretched the meaning of that word further than Octo stretched her gut) boxing match in Ft. Lauderdale, FL yesterday. You know, I'm mad at myself for using my bandwidth to post these appetite suppressants. I'm mad at you for looking at this shit. I'm mad that I keep waiting for Thelma & Louise to drive off of the edge of Octo's deep dish tummy tuck C-section scar. I'm mad at the open-faced rice and scrambled eggs burrito I just ate for lunch. But most of all, I'm mad that Octo's belly button looks like a beat up pussy slit. Kelly Ripa's peen button just fell in love.
 
We Get It, Ryan Gosling, We Get It! Top
While dressed like a deckhand on the Hipster of the Seas, Ryan Gosling sashayed straight into the middle of a NYC crosswalk fight and stopped one dude from breaking a canvas over another dude's head like in the cartoons. If there's such thing as a Human Whisperer, Ryan is it, because he can calmly soothe the hate in a raging bitch by promising to coddle them like a baby and tickle their eyeballs with his winks if they stop fighting. Ryan Gosling could make a shooting bullet stop, drop and grow ovaries just by licking his lips at it. Seriously, one of those dudes in that street fight is going to write a 1,200 word essay for The Morton Report about how Ryan Gosling saved his life. We get it. Ryan is perfection wrapped in a maple leaf wrapped in more layers of perfection. Babies love Ryan! Apple-eating hipster dogs love Ryan! Everybody loves Ryan. Ryan is like Miracle-Gro for your ovaries. Blah. Blah. Blah. When Ryan does shit like this, thousands of legs open up and chochas shoot out a fountain of panty pudding that smells exactly like Quaker's maple and brown sugar oatmeal. Then when those chochas can't squirt anymore, they waddle on over to Rite-Aid to buy a tube of KY so they can continue salivate over how perfect Ryan is! Who's going to break into the KY headquarters and go through their files to prove that Ryan was produced by them to boost sales? Ryan is stealth marketing for KY! Or for Quaker Oats. Or for ovaries. Or for all of the above. via ONTD
 

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