The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 29th!
- Open Post: Hosted By The 90s
- BREAKING: Angie Jo Got Zahara's Ears Pierced
- Demi And Ashton Think They're Really Deep
- And If She Wanna Be A Freak And Sell It On The Weekend....
- Holly Madison Insures Her Tupperware Titty Bowls For $1 Million
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 28th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Tommy Got A Haircut!
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 29th! | Top |
(Thanks Ruddy) | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The 90s | Top |
| Dlisted's headquarters (aka my dining room table) is currently experiencing technical difficulties (aka I FUCKING HATE FIOS). We apologize and please enjoy this video of people in TV and movies saying "It's the 90s!" over and over again as our team (aka me) works (aka curses at that automated voice bitch) to remedy (aka fuckit, it's liquid lunch time) this problem. Thank you. P.S. - I wish it really was the 90s since we had better internet connection then than I do right now. Wah. Wah. Wah. | |
| BREAKING: Angie Jo Got Zahara's Ears Pierced | Top |
Don't believe the part in The Holy Bible that says all of the tiny deities of Brangelina can naturally grow diamonds from their ear lobes. That bible story was proven as a myth the other day when St. Angie Jo took Zahara and Shiloh to get their lobes shot up with gold studs at some salon in London. Yes, just like us mere mortals, the blessed ears of the ethereal messiahs spit out lobe smegma when they go through the rite of passage known as the ear piercing infection. This gripping tale of determination and the suffering of a child messiah comes to us from some anonymous source who tells UsWeekly that Shiloh quickly backed away from the ear piercing gun after Zahara started to scream for her godfather Jesus to save her. The source said this mess: "The eldest girl picked out some pretty 18-carat gold studs and gave them to her mom. The piercing gun was a bit too painful for her and she screamed then burst into tears. She was saying it felt like a stapler, so her little sister changed her mind about having hers done. Angelina bought them another little gift to make sure they both felt special." That warmness you feel all around you after reading that riveting story is the same feeling Moses felt when he saw the celestial light of God radiating from the volcano. Your life is complete. But seriously, Shiloh and Zahara are a bunch of weaklings who don't know what REAL suffering is! I didn't have the luxury of putting my lobe under the fancy piercing gun of a fancy British professional at some fancy salon in fancy London. My mom crushed my dreams by refusing to take me to Spencer's Gifts to get my "straight ear" pierced. I had to get in a hot bath, numb the lobe of my other gay ear with ice and then try to shove my abuelita's knitting needle into that shit. My dreams were crushed again when I couldn't do it and the amethyst earring I stole from my mother never made it into my lobe. That's true suffering right there. And yes, I'm now just realizing that me wearing an amethyst stud completely defeats the whole purpose of the stupid "straight ear" thing. | |
| Demi And Ashton Think They're Really Deep | Top |
Any normal celebrity couple would answer to the rumors that their marriage has been drowned in a pool of crotch nectar from the husband's side piece by issuing a simple statement that reads: "True" or "Not true" or "Your business: mind it." But Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore aren't even in the same universe as normal and have answered to the rumors by dropping philosophical balls of shit and clues on their Twitter pages. Dumi's stupid ass wrote the first chapter of The Da Douche Code when she quoted Greek philosopher Epictetus days before Star Magazine said her marriage was lying on a table in the morgue. "When we are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself & study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger." The second chapter was written by Ashton when he Tweeted a link to his Spotify account where Public Enemy's "Don't Believe The Hype" plays. A few days before Ashton's Tweet, Demi Tweeted the picture above of her doing an impression of the current catatonic state of her marriage and she added the note: "I see through you." This is what happens when your brain gets fed with too much Oprah. It makes a bitch think she's a regular philosophical performance artist. Rumer Willis, go poke at your mama with your chin and tell her she's won. We won't complain about her desperate bathroom bikini photo shoots as long as she promises to queef the wannabe Maya Angelou act from her being. | |
| And If She Wanna Be A Freak And Sell It On The Weekend.... | Top |
Or in this case, on the weeknight. Lindsay "Out Calls Only" Lohan continued giving us the international remake of "How to Marry a Millionaire...or At Least Fuck with One So He Gives You 8-ball Money" in Paris last night when she left a club called Raspoutine with the owner Andre Saraiva. Community Service can go and eat itself, because Cokey du Jour is out there putting names in her little black book. LiLo's got Client #1 in New York, Client #2 in Milan and now she's got Client #3 in Paris. I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation for why Heidi Fleiss' parrot was always whispering into White Oprah's ear on the ho stroll's prime corner. I can't even bring myself to sprinkle hate on LiLo. Snatching jooree is so OVER and it's all about snatching up a stack of hundreds on the nightstand with your snatch. Click clack, click clack. Yes, a bitch can argue that LiLo's snatch game is worth whatever the price tag on a box of stale PEEPS reads three days after Easter, but she is a MOVIE STAR!!! (I'm sure White Oprah wrote that exact line on her Craigslist ad). Here's more of LiLo serving the community in Paris last night. The sight of her in that dress might make you sing "the cooookey in reeeeeed" to yourself and her dude looks like Mo from The Simpsons in Danny Zuko drag, but at least ho is keeping the bar stocked. | |
| Holly Madison Insures Her Tupperware Titty Bowls For $1 Million | Top |
Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner's former head Stepford nurse who was the only one who showed she truly cared about him by softly blowing on his raw colostomy hole before gently rubbing baby powder-scented Vaseline on it, has found a new career in giving Las Vegas audiences a dozen servings of her silicone chichi domes every night in Peepshow. Holly seems to think that she has the Mary Hart Legs of tits, because she has taken out a $1 million life insurance policy on her twin career makers. Holly tells People that if anything happened to her silicone chest puffs, LIVES WOULD BE FORECLOSED UPON, THE BREAD LINE WOULD BE SHUT DOWN, CHILDREN WOULD HAVE TO EAT THEIR OWN FINGERS TO SURVIVE, BLONDE TODDLERS WOULD HAVE TO MOVE INTO THE PLAYBOY ORPHANAGE (oh, wait..), etc.... etc.... Holly explained it like this to People: "I've heard about people getting body parts insured and I thought, why not?, because if anything happened to my boobs, I'd be out for a few months and I'd probably be out a million dollars. I thought I'd cover my assets. I think it's kind of funny. I think they're getting the credit they deserve. They're my primary money makers right now." What does Holly think is going to happen to her tits? Are they going to move into the vacant space in her head when Carrot Top tries to motoroboat them? Since it's obvious they can't be near each other, is their civil war going to escalate to the point where one them completely quits the union and reinvents itself by getting a job as one of Hugh's colostomy bags (yes, I brought it back to colostomy bags and you should never forgive me for this). If anything does happen to Holly's chichis, it will take 10 minutes for the Mattel factory workers to come out to her house and restore her natural beauty by bolting on a Barbie titty plate over her chest. Besides, who thinks of Holly Madison when they think of tits?! Googling "national treasure breasts," brings up the names Helen Mirren, Salma Hayek and Christina Hendricks, but Holly Madison does not make an appearance. I don't think the serial number on her implant reads: PRICELESS PRECIOUS CARGO. Bitch, please. StuntQueenville, population: Holly Madison | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 28th! | Top |
ScarJo tries to win Sean Penn back by provocatively modeling his undergarments. - dianamarie21 Runners-up: The Scat in the Hatu - annobanano Okay, this Cabbage Patch kid sexting craze has really stepped over the boundary into being weird. - skabazzle Introducing Huggie's Teen Pull-Ups. Now you can rest easy knowing that your hormone rampant teenage son's Wet Dreams will not be staining his undergarments or bed linens. - loozer via WOW Report | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Jack, the genius sheep who has baaaaaaah-trayed his own kind by pretending that he's a dog! That'll do, lamb! That'll do. Alison Sinstadt, a farmer from Shropshire, England, and her partner Simon Sherwin brought Jack into their home when he was just a lamb baby because he was very very small and they felt he needed some extra loving care. They gave him milk and they let him sleep with their springer spaniel Jessie. It didn't take long for Jack to copy everything Jessie was doing. When Jessie let out a dog bark, Jack tried to let out a dog bark too but it sounded more like an un-autotuned RiRi trying to hit a high note. When Jessie fetched a stick, Jack tried to fetch a stick too. Jack doesn't even socialize with other sheep and whenever he's around them he tries to herd their asses. ("THIS BAAAAAHTCH" - other sheep to Jack) Alison tells the highly-acclaimed literary journal The Daily Fuckery that the only thing Jack does that is sheep-like is eat grass. But other than that, the sheep thinks it's of the dogs. The wool has officially been pulled over Alison's eyes and she's not even trying to scratch it off. The easiest way to avoid getting turned into stew is to bark, fetch and do it like a dog! I mean, what kind of evil soul would ever slaughter a sheep dog?! Jack might be leading the oppression of his kind, but bitch is a mastermind genius. Now if he can only learn how to lick his own lamb hole... | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Zachary Levi (31) | |
| Tommy Got A Haircut! | Top |
There's a good reason for why Tommy Cruise has that beauty shop glow about him like he just hopped off of two booster seats on a hairdresser's chair and sucked in attention from old ladies who gave him lollipops while telling him what a handsome mister man he is, because that's what just happened! The bad news that made Tommy Girl's Scientolohole frown is that he had to cut the luscious locks that even took the breath away from Helene Curtis herself. Every time Tommy swept into the door of the Scientology sauna, the boys always hummed out the Salon Selectives song. That's not going to happen anymore. But the good news is that Tommy now looks like k.d. lang in her Vanity Fair cover days and that's an upgrade! Tommy worked his butch bitch haircut in NYC yesterday and Pittsburgh today while getting ready to shoot the movie One Shot. Tommy is going to play the character of Jack Reacher who in the book is a 6'5" 250lb blond policeman. HA. Tommy is supposed to be taller and they cut that tiny bitch's hair? They should've given him a bouffant beehive instead. The only way Tommy can look 6'5" is if the other cast members are made up of the living members of the Lollipop Guild, the Little Chocolatiers, Matt Roloff, Ryan Gaycrest, Snooki, the Monopoly Scottie Dog, hamsters in bonnets and the Baby Jesuses from Modern Family. Even then, Tommy would have to stand on his tippity tip tip toes on an apple box and they'd have to stretch him in post-production Paula Abdul-style. | |
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