The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Vanity Fair's Annual White Girl Issue Featuring Two Non-White Girl
- The Whole Family's Going To Therapy
- And Here's The Cover For Madge's New Album
- The AX Factor: Paula Abdul Is Out Of A Job
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 30th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Blake Lively Out, Rooney Mara In
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Vanity Fair's Annual White Girl Issue Featuring Two Non-White Girl | Top |
Vanity Fair(Skin) pushed our their annual Hollywood issue were they spread the supposedly freshest and hottest shit all over their cover. This year they put Rooney Mara, Mia Wasikowska, Jennifer Lawrence and Jessica Chastain on the cover, and pushed the non-troll Olsen, Elisabeth Olsen, Adepero Oduye, Shailene Woodley, Paula Patton, Felicity Jones, Phil Collins' daughter and Brit Marling to the side. You know, this issue is supposed to be the WHO'S FUCKING WHO of Hollywood, but mostly it's just the WHO?NOREALLYWHO? of Hollywood. And it was wrong of me to say that there are only two non-white girls here, because it's well known that Rooney Mara is half Vulcan and half Hot Topicanese. | |
| The Whole Family's Going To Therapy | Top |
In a court room in L.A. yesterday, a judge watched as two pretty faces slowly contorted into every layer of crazy as Gabriel Aubrey and Halle Berryberrycrazee tried to turn down their own insanity while discussing the custody of their daughter Nahla. A hearing was called last week after Nahla's nanny accused Gabriel of pushing her during an argument. Halle asked the court to temporarily take away Gabriel's visitation rights until the whole "nanny beating" thing cleared up. The judge didn't do that, but after a long ass meditation hearing, they all agreed to do the following: - Gabriel will go to anger management classes where he'll learn that every time he feels like he wants to rage at a trick, he needs to stop, drop his panties and roll on over to the nearest webcam to give all of us a show. - Halle will continue her own therapy sessions, or she'll be framed for Gabriel's death and will be forced to spend the rest of her life in an insane asylum with an ugly-fied Penelope Cruz in a jacked up wig. - Halle and Gabriel will regularly meet with a third party to calmly talk about how they should raise their child. The third party will be given one of those Hunger Games suicide pills just in case their sanity can't take facing a two-headed beast of lunacy. - 3-year-old Nahla will also go to counseling. - Gabriel wants the nanny fired, but the judge didn't make any decisions about that. TMZ's source (who TOTALLY doesn't have the name Halle Berry in their BlackBerry under "client") claims that Gabriel was an uncooperative cunt plug during the entire hearing and getting him to agree to the stuff above was like pulling KFed away from the snack table. It's nice that the judge is trying to work with them and everything, but does anybody really believe that these two nut bags will calmly discuss anything without trying to gnaw each other's pretty faces off? It's always the pretty ones, right? This is why sometimes it's best to go home with the ugly bitch at the bar. Sure, sucking on a pretty face is more fun, but you'll also run the risk of waking up to them screaming about how they hear a baby forming in your gut and they're going to take you to court for custody. Just slip Halle and Gabriel in a his and hers straitjacket, throw them in padded room and let that sand shovel raise Nahla instead. I mean, Nahla is looking at it like, "Yeah, you'll make a good mom." Here's Halle, Nahla and Olivier Martinez playing on the beach this past weekend. | |
| And Here's The Cover For Madge's New Album | Top |
At this point, any pictures of Madge are no longer eligible for a Photoshop Award, because the skin on her face is Photoshopped in real life since its pores have been filled with wax and it gets its manufactured youthful glow from daily injections of rare fetus sperm. So even though nothing on this vowel-hating album cover was made from nature, it doesn't count! Before my dad became allergic to mailing child support checks and dropped off the face of my life, I used to stay at his apartment in West Coveeeeeena once or twice a month. In the bathroom next to the couch I slept on, he had this 70s glass shower door that looked like that cover above. It was beveled and shit. It was kind of a horror show, because I could barely make out what was on the other side. So if Psycho took place in my dad's apartment (if you met my stepmother at the time, you'd agree that it very well could have) and the killer had an Express Yourself-era Madonna face, this cover is what you'd see right before she opened the door and thrust her memaw crotch sending your soul scurrying down the drain. Even though this cover looks like a flyer for an after-hours club that someone taped over one of the urinals in the bathroom of a gay bar, I don't hate it. If it was a flyer, I'd even use it to floss the pubes out of my teefs. | |
| The AX Factor: Paula Abdul Is Out Of A Job | Top |
If you drive by any random clinic in L.A. this morning, you'll probably see Paula Abdul trying to break into one of those locked tin boxes in front of the door, because she needs a quick hit of something medically strong to strangle the feeling of rejection that took over her body after getting fired by Simon Cowell AGAIN! Deadline said last night that the producers of The X-Factor deported Steve Jones back to the UK, sent the defected Apollonia impersonator Nicole Scherzinger back to the Prince factory from which she came from and threw a Percocet into the forest so Paula Abdul could chase after it and get lost. Simon pink-slipped all three of them and is only keeping L.A. Reid as a judge for next season. FOX confirmed last night that both Steve Jones and Nicole Shitsinger's second season contracts were executed, but they haven't said anything about Paula. TMZ is hearing that Paula heard from a lawyer close to the show that she was about to get the BITCH GOT FIRED card and Simon hasn't called her yet to tell her the news. What a cold cunt Simon is. How could he not take the news, wrap it in ludes dough and then gently feed it to Paula? Simon could've at least shaved the words "you're fired" into his furry tit pies and let Paula read it herself as she suckled on his nipple like she does most nights. Thanks to Simon, none of your medicine cabinets are safe now! Apparently, Simon hasn't chosen any replacements yet, but the only way I'll watch that wailing shit show is if the new judges are the queen who maced that brat on the subway and Khia. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 30th! | Top |
Beware, ladies, this is what happens if you fuck a guy with a pencil dick. - jazzfish_77 Runners-up: And to think, just five months ago it was a tattoo of a penis going into a vagina. - Sweetas Coincidentally this is exactly what Beyonce's ultra sound looked like. - Whamo via Awkward Family Photos (Thanks to the reader who sent this in. My stupid ass lost your email) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
This morning, my ass is suffering from bronzer fumes inhalation, breast plate burns to the face and a Vitamin D deficiency due to shade overload, and that could only mean one thing: RuPaul's Drag Race is back! The show that Xtina uses as her own personal make-up tutorial (Note: But no self-respecting queen on Drag Race would let her pussy plasma drip down her leg without throwing some glitter on it first) dropped on our TV screens and brought Elvira, who I can't believe has never been on that shit before, in as a guest judge. There are a few queens to talk about like Phi Phi O'Hara, who I swear has "bitch" written next to nationality on her passport ("Go back to Party City where you belong!" is my new favorite verbal slap and I don't even know what it means), Latrice Royale and Willam whose face is always telling you that it's 5 o'clock, but none of them compare to Sharon Needles! Sharon Needles was born one night in Pittsburgh when Courtney Love's favorite heroin-shooting vein busted open and squirted all into the gutter as Marilyn Manson jacked off on a Nina Hagen voodoo doll. Bitch is like a Real Housewife of Silent Hill. Last night's challenge was to queef out a glamour look for the Rupocalypse and Sharon Needles easily wrapped up that competition by crawling out looking like she just snowballed (tar balled?) a Tar Monster on the shores of a swamp.
The season is still young, but so far I'm stretching out my arm to tie a pair of panty hose around it before shooting up some Sharon Needles. TEAM SHARON NEEDLES (If that doesn't get me an "HIV test appointment reminder" postcard from the free clinic, I don't know what will.) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Carol Channing (91) | |
| Blake Lively Out, Rooney Mara In | Top |
Rooney Mara, seen on the right looking like Alfalfa after eating a whole bunch of pomegranate seeds, has taken the lead role in Steven Soderbergh's new movie after the bag of mumbles with blonde hair we call Blake Lively was dropped. In Side Effects, Rooney will play a pill-popping mess who goes crazy while waiting for her husband to get out of the clink. Carol O'Neal (government name: Channing Tatum) will play her husband and this shit also stars Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jude Law. It starts shooting sometime in April. IndieWire reported last week that one of the movie's main investors pulled all their cash out after Steven Soderbergh cast Blake NotSoLively in the lead role, because they weren't exactly impressed with the highly-trained thespian skills she lays down in the PBS' masterpiece drama series Gossip Girl. Since Blake was with the movie's money, Steven Soderbergh dropped her and picked up an Oscar nominee instead. If anybody can play a sedated, fucked up mess, it's not Blake, but she wouldn't be that bad at it since she naturally carries herself like a permanently confused inbred kitten who treats the concussion it suffers from with NyQuil and generic Valium. But Blake getting dumped isn't the funniest thing about this. I mean, investors pulled their money out over Blake, but yet they were okay with Channing Tatum? Or should I call him, Sir Channing Tatum, since he's obviously going to get knighted for his contribution to the art of making water damaged cardboard seem interesting. It has to burn a ho's ass lips off knowing that she got fired for being a shit actor, but Channing Tatum doesn't. Anyway, here's Blake's replacement Rooney Mara wearing a garden of angel labias with David Fincher at the Tokyo premiere of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
What member of a foreign royal family was caught inhaling disco dust in a nightclub bathroom during a recent sporting event? (Page Six) Duchess of Alba? But that wasn't disco dust. It was ground diamonds, which is how she keeps the dandelion of star dust strands on her head so sparkly. What soon to be A list movie actor's girlfriend who is also moving up the list quite nicely is convinced that she can keep him from wanting guys. She told a friend of hers the other day that as long as she stays kinky enough he will want her and not any of the guys he used to date. Hey, it worked for Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz for awhile. (CDAN) Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana? This will only work if by "kinky" she means she'll turn her poon into a peen, change her name to Victor Garber and memorize every single lyric in every single show tune that's ever been written. This singer's sexuality has been questioned over and over again, but he does have a steady girlfriend with whom he attends awards shows. While he was out on tour, he had a fling with a fan. She soon discovered that he had given her herpes. She decided to sue him, and in the course of preparing her suit, wound up contacting his girlfriend. The girlfriend, who was surprisingly nonchalant about the whole thing, simply remarked, "Well, you're certainly not the first one. We've been dealing with this situation for a long time." It turns out that this singer is a one-man herpes distribution center. (Blind Gossip) Doesn't Derek Jeter already have the title "one-man herpes distribution center" trademarked? LAWSUIT! I'll guess this is John Legend or Ne-Yo? | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
French singer Shy'm proves that you can make a sophisticated ensemble fit for a demure lady using torn bed sheets, fiberglass, resin and pepaw pubes. And am I high again or does her torso look like Andy Warhol with a buzz cut and aviators? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Whenever I see Lea Michele trying to glamour it up at award shows, I expect to see her mother yelling at her for getting into her closet and playing with her big woman shoes again - Lainey Gossip Call me a chin-osexual, but I actually do think Asshole Simpson looks good here - The Superficial Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale slap at the divorce rumors by going fishing (???) - Celebitchy Will Cynthia Nixon please stop talking and give Rojo Caliente the mic already - Towleroad Even Jessica Simpson's earlobes look swole - Hollywood Tuna Natalie Portman's right breast is trying to get the hell out of there before she feeds it to her baby again - Popoholic Katy Perry continues to spread all the colors of the Manic Panic rainbow on her hair - The Berry How many copies of Photoshop died for this? - ICYDK ScarJo's newest piece looks like a super sized Stanley Tucci with a touch of William Mapother - Popsugar Becks' Super Bowl commercial is worthless without more bulge - OMG Blog Matthew Broderick's day off thanks to some Honda commercial, but I can't help but wonder if SJP's old mole ate the life out of his eyes? - Just Jared This girl can spell any word backwards. To which I say, Annataz si ton desserpmi - The Daily What Xena's still got it - Hollywood Rag Jean Paul Gaultier's Amy Winehouse tribute is incomplete without stained ballet slipper and an I Heart Blaaaaaaaaake pin - Cityrag Bad news for the makers of real hyena hair weaves and beaver wigs - Videogum The Narcissistic Old Queens brawl of 2012 lives on - I'm Not Obsessed | |
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