The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The AX Factor: Paula Abdul Is Out Of A Job
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 30th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Blake Lively Out, Rooney Mara In
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
- NBC Pulls Fear Factor's Donkey Jizz Episode
- Open Post: Hosted By Cathy And Her Modest Chichi Globes
- QOTD: Fran Drescher Was Abducted By Aliens
| The AX Factor: Paula Abdul Is Out Of A Job | Top |
If you drive by any random clinic in L.A. this morning, you'll probably see Paula Abdul trying to break into one of those locked tin boxes in front of the door, because she needs a quick hit of something medically strong to strangle the feeling of rejection that took over her body after getting fired by Simon Cowell AGAIN! Deadline said last night that the producers of The X-Factor deported Steve Jones back to the UK, sent the defected Apollonia impersonator Nicole Scherzinger back to the Prince factory from which she came from and threw a Percocet into the forest so Paula Abdul could chase after it and get lost. Simon pink-slipped all three of them and is only keeping L.A. Reid as a judge for next season. FOX confirmed last night that both Steve Jones and Nicole Shitsinger's second season contracts were executed, but they haven't said anything about Paula. TMZ is hearing that Paula heard from a lawyer close to the show that she was about to get the BITCH GOT FIRED card and Simon hasn't called her yet to tell her the news. What a cold cunt Simon is. How could he not take the news, wrap it in ludes dough and then gently feed it to Paula? Simon could've at least shaved the words "you're fired" into his furry tit pies and let Paula read it herself as she suckled on his nipple like she does most nights. Thanks to Simon, none of your medicine cabinets are safe now! Apparently, Simon hasn't chosen any replacements yet, but the only way I'll watch that wailing shit show is if the new judges are the queen who maced that brat on the subway and Khia. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 30th! | Top |
Beware, ladies, this is what happens if you fuck a guy with a pencil dick. - jazzfish_77 Runners-up: And to think, just five months ago it was a tattoo of a penis going into a vagina. - Sweetas Coincidentally this is exactly what Beyonce's ultra sound looked like. - Whamo via Awkward Family Photos (Thanks to the reader who sent this in. My stupid ass lost your email) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
This morning, my ass is suffering from bronzer fumes inhalation, breast plate burns to the face and a Vitamin D deficiency due to shade overload, and that could only mean one thing: RuPaul's Drag Race is back! The show that Xtina uses as her own personal make-up tutorial (Note: But no self-respecting queen on Drag Race would let her pussy plasma drip down her leg without throwing some glitter on it first) dropped on our TV screens and brought Elvira, who I can't believe has never been on that shit before, in as a guest judge. There are a few queens to talk about like Phi Phi O'Hara, who I swear has "bitch" written next to nationality on her passport ("Go back to Party City where you belong!" is my new favorite verbal slap and I don't even know what it means), Latrice Royale and Willam whose face is always telling you that it's 5 o'clock, but none of them compare to Sharon Needles! Sharon Needles was born one night in Pittsburgh when Courtney Love's favorite heroin-shooting vein busted open and squirted all into the gutter as Marilyn Manson jacked off on a Nina Hagen voodoo doll. Bitch is like a Real Housewife of Silent Hill. Last night's challenge was to queef out a glamour look for the Rupocalypse and Sharon Needles easily wrapped up that competition by crawling out looking like she just snowballed (tar balled?) a Tar Monster on the shores of a swamp.
The season is still young, but so far I'm stretching out my arm to tie a pair of panty hose around it before shooting up some Sharon Needles. TEAM SHARON NEEDLES (If that doesn't get me an "HIV test appointment reminder" postcard from the free clinic, I don't know what will.) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Carol Channing (91) | |
| Blake Lively Out, Rooney Mara In | Top |
Rooney Mara, seen on the right looking like Alfalfa after eating a whole bunch of pomegranate seeds, has taken the lead role in Steven Soderbergh's new movie after the bag of mumbles with blonde hair we call Blake Lively was dropped. In Side Effects, Rooney will play a pill-popping mess who goes crazy while waiting for her husband to get out of the clink. Carol O'Neal (government name: Channing Tatum) will play her husband and this shit also stars Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jude Law. It starts shooting sometime in April. IndieWire reported last week that one of the movie's main investors pulled all their cash out after Steven Soderbergh cast Blake NotSoLively in the lead role, because they weren't exactly impressed with the highly-trained thespian skills she lays down in the PBS' masterpiece drama series Gossip Girl. Since Blake was with the movie's money, Steven Soderbergh dropped her and picked up an Oscar nominee instead. If anybody can play a sedated, fucked up mess, it's not Blake, but she wouldn't be that bad at it since she naturally carries herself like a permanently confused inbred kitten who treats the concussion it suffers from with NyQuil and generic Valium. But Blake getting dumped isn't the funniest thing about this. I mean, investors pulled their money out over Blake, but yet they were okay with Channing Tatum? Or should I call him, Sir Channing Tatum, since he's obviously going to get knighted for his contribution to the art of making water damaged cardboard seem interesting. It has to burn a ho's ass lips off knowing that she got fired for being a shit actor, but Channing Tatum doesn't. Anyway, here's Blake's replacement Rooney Mara wearing a garden of angel labias with David Fincher at the Tokyo premiere of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
What member of a foreign royal family was caught inhaling disco dust in a nightclub bathroom during a recent sporting event? (Page Six) Duchess of Alba? But that wasn't disco dust. It was ground diamonds, which is how she keeps the dandelion of star dust strands on her head so sparkly. What soon to be A list movie actor's girlfriend who is also moving up the list quite nicely is convinced that she can keep him from wanting guys. She told a friend of hers the other day that as long as she stays kinky enough he will want her and not any of the guys he used to date. Hey, it worked for Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz for awhile. (CDAN) Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana? This will only work if by "kinky" she means she'll turn her poon into a peen, change her name to Victor Garber and memorize every single lyric in every single show tune that's ever been written. This singer's sexuality has been questioned over and over again, but he does have a steady girlfriend with whom he attends awards shows. While he was out on tour, he had a fling with a fan. She soon discovered that he had given her herpes. She decided to sue him, and in the course of preparing her suit, wound up contacting his girlfriend. The girlfriend, who was surprisingly nonchalant about the whole thing, simply remarked, "Well, you're certainly not the first one. We've been dealing with this situation for a long time." It turns out that this singer is a one-man herpes distribution center. (Blind Gossip) Doesn't Derek Jeter already have the title "one-man herpes distribution center" trademarked? LAWSUIT! I'll guess this is John Legend or Ne-Yo? | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
French singer Shy'm proves that you can make a sophisticated ensemble fit for a demure lady using torn bed sheets, fiberglass, resin and pepaw pubes. And am I high again or does her torso look like Andy Warhol with a buzz cut and aviators? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Whenever I see Lea Michele trying to glamour it up at award shows, I expect to see her mother yelling at her for getting into her closet and playing with her big woman shoes again - Lainey Gossip Call me a chin-osexual, but I actually do think Asshole Simpson looks good here - The Superficial Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale slap at the divorce rumors by going fishing (???) - Celebitchy Will Cynthia Nixon please stop talking and give Rojo Caliente the mic already - Towleroad Even Jessica Simpson's earlobes look swole - Hollywood Tuna Natalie Portman's right breast is trying to get the hell out of there before she feeds it to her baby again - Popoholic Katy Perry continues to spread all the colors of the Manic Panic rainbow on her hair - The Berry How many copies of Photoshop died for this? - ICYDK ScarJo's newest piece looks like a super sized Stanley Tucci with a touch of William Mapother - Popsugar Becks' Super Bowl commercial is worthless without more bulge - OMG Blog Matthew Broderick's day off thanks to some Honda commercial, but I can't help but wonder if SJP's old mole ate the life out of his eyes? - Just Jared This girl can spell any word backwards. To which I say, Annataz si ton desserpmi - The Daily What Xena's still got it - Hollywood Rag Jean Paul Gaultier's Amy Winehouse tribute is incomplete without stained ballet slipper and an I Heart Blaaaaaaaaake pin - Cityrag Bad news for the makers of real hyena hair weaves and beaver wigs - Videogum The Narcissistic Old Queens brawl of 2012 lives on - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| NBC Pulls Fear Factor's Donkey Jizz Episode | Top |
Sad news for those of you sick fucks who were looking forward to watching Fear Factor's donkey show episode while enjoying a spread of spoiled horchata and Miller Lite (aka donkey piss). NBC has erased the episode from its schedule and will air a rerun instead. So America will not get to watch a bunch of dumb ass contestants do what Joe Rogan did to get that job. TMZ summoned a hundred donkey side-eyes when they said last week that Fear Factor's season finale episode had a stunt where the contestants had to guzzle down beer jugs full of donkey piss and donkey-flavored baby batter. As of last week, NBC executives were going back on forth over whether or not they should air the "ass to mouth" episode, but sometime during the weekend they decided to kill it completely. They scrubbed a preview for the episode from their website and already changed channel guides to list the re-run as the episode that will play tonight. TMZ asked NBC's chairman for a comment and he said this: "I reviewed the episode late last week and decided it was a segment we should not air." I don't know if this is good news or bad news for those ass jizz-guzzling contestants. On one hand, if the episode aired, they'd forever be known as the hos with donkey spunk breath and drunk donkeys looking for a quickie would kick at their back door at all hours of the night. But on the other hand, the world knowing that they will swallow some disgusting ass shit will do wonders for their personal lives and probably get them a cameo on Jersey Shore. We'll never know. And if you were looking forward to watching a bunch of tricks drink donkey sperm, you can watch the next best thing instead. You can watch a fake crying donkey throw up a bunch of bull shit. I'm talking about this (skip to the 2:15 mark): via Buzzfeed | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Cathy And Her Modest Chichi Globes | Top |
| What is Full Throttle Saloon on TruTv and why haven't I memorized every single episode already? Because I need more natural patriotic beauty like this in my life. With hair like a melted rocket pop and tits of destruction that look like a Fix-A-Flat ass, Cathy tells her admirers outside of Full Throttle Saloon that believe or not it took six titty jobs for her to look like Kim Kardashian is ripping out of her chest ass first. It's like Anna Nicole Smith was reincarnated using the tear drop of an American bald eagle. The true look of patriotism is a pair of massive silicone globs barely covered with two bikini bottoms tied together. We should all pledge allegiance to Cathy. via Buzzfeed | |
| QOTD: Fran Drescher Was Abducted By Aliens | Top |
Fran Drescher and her ex-husband Peter (the one who ended their marriage after declaring his undying love for peen) both have the same kind of scar on the same spot and that could only mean one thing: they were both kidnapped by aliens, microchipped and programmed to meet each other. Obviously. Fran tells HuffPo that when she was in junior high school, the aliens beamed her up into their spaceship and tagged her ass. It's like the recurring wet dream that Tommy Girl wishes would become real life. "You know, it's funny because Peter and I both saw [aliens] before we knew each other, doing the same thing, driving on the road with our dads. We were both in junior high. A few years later, we met, and we realized that we had the same experience. I think that somehow we were programmed to meet. We both have this scar. It's the exact same scar on the exact same spot." I bet that when the aliens shimmied the chip up under her skin, Fran let out one of her ear hair-burning laughs and the aliens immediately dropped her back on earth before vowing to never subject themselves to torture like that again. Fran single-handedly saved us from an alien invasion! But seriously, Fran and Peter weren't TAKEN. Those bitches just did way too many whip-its and freebased way too many spices in junior high school. That scar is probably from a bong burn. I'm sure Demi Moore is also telling her therapist that she was abducted by damn aliens. | |
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