The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Justin Bieber Throws Shade At Prince William's Bald Spot
- Jenna Jameson On Why She's Endorsing Mitt Romney
- Ryan Lochte Is Not A Hit And Quit It Slut
- The National Enquirer Tells Macauley Culkin To Get Help
- VH1 Would....
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 2nd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Janet, Jermaine, Randy And Rebbie Are Selfish Bitches!
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Justin Bieber Throws Shade At Prince William's Bald Spot | Top |
And nothing grows under shade, which is the opposite of what The Lesbeaver thinks should be happening on Prince William's dome. Justin Bieber is a come-to-life Beautiful Crissy doll and so he's lucky that he was born with a built-in knob that Selena Gomez turns every time he wants his luscious mane of golden unicorn tails to grow longer. But Justin doesn't understand why everyone wouldn't want a hairy helmet of brown rainbows on their head like his. While talking to something called Rollercoaster Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), the bunny shit-brained baby bimbo threw hate at Prince William's field of stray hairs and asked if they have Propecia in England.
Justin is totally right. Prince William needs Propecia or Rogaine or whatever Lucy put on Ricky's head during that hair-growing episode. And when Prince William is done with it, he can give his leftovers to Justin, so Justin can splash some on his Barbie crotch and maybe grow a pube or two. Here's Prince William, Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Kate being royal dorks at an Olympic cycling event yesterday. I love that they're wearing ID badges and I'm guessing the only thing on their ID badges, besides a picture, are the words: "Bow down, bitch." | |
| Jenna Jameson On Why She's Endorsing Mitt Romney | Top |
When us Americans go to vote for HBIC of the US this November, I know most of us are going to ask ourselves "WIJJVF: Who Is Jenna Jameson Voting For?" before we cast our vote. Well, now you know the answer to that question. Minutes before Jenna James twerked her pussy for dollars at a strip club in San Francisco, she told CBS SF (via Gawker) that she's all in it for Mitt. Jenna endorsed Hillary Clinton during the 2008 election, but sometime between then and now she realized that voting Republican is the best thing to do for the only thing she cares about: MONAY, HONAY!
And with that, Jenna just won Romney GOOPY Paltrow's vote too. Obama should just play the I QUIT THIS BITCH card right now, because now that Romney has won the coveted Jenna Jameson endorsement, this shit is wrapped up. Jenna seems so happy about this decision, so nobody tell her that at one time, Mitt Romney wanted to outlaw her "gobbling dicks for dollars" game. Shh! | |
| Ryan Lochte Is Not A Hit And Quit It Slut | Top |
Mama Lochte joined Debbie Phelps in the spirit animal ranch in my heart the other day when she basically called her son a big whore who should win a gold medal in sluttin'. Ike Lochte told Today that Ryan doesn't have time for a girlfriend and the only thing he really has time for is to make orgasm waves with a one-time trick. UsWeekly decided to make shit extra awkward by asking Ryan Lochte what he has to say about his mom talking about his peen's travels. Ryan says he has never had a one night stand and that his mom is new to this media game and didn't really know what she was saying. Swimming answer's to Chet Haze put it like this:
Maybe Mama Lochte is like my mom and sometimes she accidentally mixes up phrases. Like a couple of summers ago, I was going to the store and my mom was trying to tell me to pick up some fruit punch, but she told me to pick up some donkey punch instead. (!!!!) I didn't want to know how, when or where she learned that shit. I just blamed myself, because she probably learned it from listening to me and I made a mental note that if I ever come into a whole lot of money, I need to start a beverage company called Donkey Punch. And really? "I want to give that my person my entire heart." That's what a slut says when they don't want to sound like a slut! They also say shit like, "I just don't have time for a relationship, but I do have time to hump on a new piece every night." This ho is lying. I'm sure there are dozens of tricks out there who have listened to Ryan shout at them "I'm going for gold! I'm going to break a new record on your pussy, bitch" one time and one time only. | |
| The National Enquirer Tells Macauley Culkin To Get Help | Top |
After The National Enquirer said that Macauley Culkin is filling his veins with heroin all day, every day, his rep slapped them down by saying the entire story was made of lies and if he was hooked on heroin, he wouldn't even use their trash paper to keep his heroin in. The National Enquirer isn't backing down, isn't issuing apologies and has really come for Macauley by publicly saying that he needs to get help before he ends up like one of his friends who recently died of an overdose. DAMN. You know that bitch ass little cousin of yours who caught you sipping cognac (don't judge, it was all my mom had in her "bar area" on top of the refrigerator) when you were 16 and told your mom about it? The National Enquirer is like that times ten billion. This is the "get help" open letter to Mac they posted on their website yesterday:
Yes, they brought Whitney Houston into this. My thoughts about this entire mess are best expressed through Kristie the Hutt's face. | |
| VH1 Would.... | Top |
The Internet collectively barfed earlier this week when the exquisite iguana goddess that is Courtney Stodden announced on Twitter that she's taking time out from her busy schedule of doing nothing to shoot her own reality show. I didn't pay that much attention to that highly important news, because I figured that her reality show would be shot on an iPhone by Doug Hutchison and would probably air after Robin Byrd on Public Access. If that. But now TMZ is saying that after months of Courtney and Doug hitting the ho stroll to beg for a reality show, their fame whore dreams are finally coming true thanks to Vh1. Courtney and Doug have checked into the new season of Vh1's Couples Therapy. It's times like this when I wish that Vh1 had a show called Celebrity Mental Hospital. TMZ says that 17-year-old Courtney and 52-year-old Doug will work out their "marital problems" in front of the cameras for the next few weeks. Some source (aka Courtney's pimp of a mom) says that Courtney and Doug's marital problems have everything to do with their age difference and all the attention (that they've whored to get) their relationship has gotten. "Marital problems" is a really funny way of saying, "We just moved Doug's butt plug a little to the right to reach in and pull out some fake problems we can say we have to get on reality TV." Well, the bad news is that the goddess iguana and her gay husband's 15 seconds of fame have been extended to 16. The good news is that at least we'll have a million more GIFs of Courtney looking like a dehydrated lizard having a seizure while trying to catch flies. Think of the positive! And the next reality show Courtney stars on needs to be an episode of People's Court. Shauna Sand needs to sue that trick for copyright infringement for continuing to stuff her lizard claws in lucite heels. Courtney's toes are always hanging off of her heels, because they want to get as far away as possible from messing with the Empress of Lucite. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 2nd! | Top |
Now that Times Square is all cleaned up and family-friendly, this is the only kind of big organ you'll find in a dark alley. - turnelbup Runners-up: Dateline tracks down Kunty K.'s long abandoned heart. Heart was mildly successful working at Donatella's virgin blood bank, but the Zantax habit caught up with him. - Cuntina Emoticons even brighten up the most grimy graffiti messages. - RHONYC via Break | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Bell, the hero chihuahua who SAVED THE LIVES!!!! of two little sisters in Georgia on Monday. 8-year-old Carlie and 5-year-old Lacey took their dog Lucy for a walk into the woods in Georgia on Monday afternoon and after wandering around for a little bit, they realized that they were lost and couldn't figure out how to get back. The girls looked down at Lucy's face to help them out, but that bitch was useless and looked at them like, "Don't look at me, I only know what to do if your asses fall down a well." The girls thought they were going to spend the night, huddling together in the trees while nibbling on leaves for nourishment. When the girls didn't come back from their walk after 2 hours, their mother Rebecca Parga freaked out, called the police and asked all her neighbors for help. As the cops and firemen searched for the girls, Rebecca's neighbor Carvin Young knew what to do. Carvin took the headset off of the head of his chihuahua Bell, who volunteers during the day for a missing children hotline, and told her to get to work. CBS Atlanta (via HuffPo) says that Bell showed up the police and their canine dogs when she ran into the woods and led everyone to the girls. Rebecca says that her daughters always play with Bell, so the life-saving chihuahua probably knew their scent. Here's the story in moving picture form from CBS Atlanta. (Side note: You're wrong like me if you looked at Carlie's hair and said to yourself that Bell needs to lead her to a brush. We need to stop, because she was lost in the woods for 2 hours! Everyone's hair looks like that after being lost in the woods for 2 hours!): A happy ending brought to you by a chihuahua! I always knew that Lassie's successor would be a chihuahua. (Cut to my chihuahua who spent a full 2 minutes looking for his own b-hole before giving up and going back to bed for the 10th time this morning.) (Thanks Roman & Sapan) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Ryan Lochte (28) | |
| Janet, Jermaine, Randy And Rebbie Are Selfish Bitches! | Top |
Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson were officially named co-guardians of Paris, Blanket and Prince today, and in her declaration, Mama Jackson took off her wig, got comfortable and let it all out. In the declaration, Mama Jackson threw a "here comes the truth, heffas" side-eye at Janet, Randy, Jermaine and Rebbie when she said that she suspects she was tricked into taking that trip to Arizona. Mama Jackson has seen the light and she's spilling the truth. "I've got all your numbers, hussies!" - Mama Jackson to her sneaky bitch ass kids TMZ says that Katherine was all set to drive to New Mexico to see her sons in concert, but then an unnamed doctor showed up to her house and told her that she should fly instead of taking a car. Katherine says she trusted her doctor, so she got on the plane, but was hit with a whole lot of WTF when she ended up in Tucson instead of New Mexico. When Katherine wondered why she was in Tucson, she was told that she has high blood pressure and needed to rest at a spa. If there's one thing a memaw can't resist, it's rest at a spa, so she went. When she got to the spa, her iPad and cell phone were taken away and the phone in her room was disconnected. Katherine couldn't even watch her stories on TV, because they shut the TV off. Suddenly she knew what it felt like to be one of Tommy Girl's wives. Katherine didn't know her grandchildren were going crazy on Twitter about her being missing and she was constantly told that Paris, Blanket and Prince were fine. Katherine went on to write in the declaration, "At the time, I trusted the people I was with to be honest with me." This leads me to the NEWS FROM THE GODS that fell onto my eyes like clouds made of glitter today. CNN says that Oprah has made the best decision of her career by giving La Toya Jackson a reality show on OWN. Unfortunately, La Toya's show isn't a reality version of Murder She Wrote and doesn't follow her as she solves crimes, but her show will still save the entire network. Oprah can thank Detective La Toya later. The thing is, La Toya's show doesn't air until 2013 and it hasn't even started shooting yet. So why didn't Randy and his band of plastic-faced kidnappers wait until La Toya's show started shooting before they put their scheme into motion? All the drama could've been captured in front of reality TV cameras and in the show's season finale, La Toya could've rescued Katherine from her spa prison! You know, Detective La Toya would've gone undercover as a maid, snuck into Katherine's room and escaped through the air conditioning vents before zip-lining across the property to a waiting helicopter. But noooo, Randy and those bitches would never let that happen, because they are jealous of La Toya and won't ever let her be great. Selfish bitches! | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
True love always prevails: Holly Madison and Hef reunite! - Hollywood Tuna I can't wait to see The Queen's "nottryingtogiveafuck" faces while watching Posh pose pose pose during the Spice Girls performance at the Closing Ceremony - Lainey Gossip Just like all of us, Bryan Cranston lost his v-card to an $8 Dutch hooker - The Superficial Australian Olympic diver Matthew Mitcham and Bette Midler should join ukelele-playing forces and go on tour together - Towleroad Kate Upton doesn't look like Kate Upton when you erase her brows - Drunken Stepfather If beauty was the beast - The Berry RPattz is SLYCIC! - Celebitchy A Beyonce documentary about Beyonce by Beyonce starring Beyonce for Beyonce's ego - Just Jared Ick or Nast? - Cityrag CORRECTION: Is Pimp Mama Kris pushing Kanye West to make a sex tape with her prized pig? ANSWER: Duh. - I'm Not Obsessed And they totally color coordinated before leaving the yacht - ICYDK This is the look: Vanessa Hudgens looking like a primetime shift pussy puddler circa 1978 - Popoholic Nothing like a titty slip during the XXX Olympics to push two boys passed puberty - SOW England's finest rose blooms in the sun - Hollywood Rag Thank you to everyone who helped invent the camera and made these pictures of Thom Evans' uncut peen possible - (NSFW) OMG Blog What natural and not-at-all staged pictures of Tommy Girl and Suri - Popsugar | |
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