The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 3rd!
- Some "I Scream, You Scream" Shit
- Open Post: Hosted By Doogie Howser And Child
- Justin Bieber Throws Shade At Prince William's Bald Spot
- Jenna Jameson On Why She's Endorsing Mitt Romney
- Ryan Lochte Is Not A Hit And Quit It Slut
- The National Enquirer Tells Macauley Culkin To Get Help
- VH1 Would....
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 2nd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For August 3rd! | Top |
via TDW | |
| Some "I Scream, You Scream" Shit | Top |
| From looking at that screen shot, you might think this is a "The Dangers of Bukkake" PSA, but it's actually a commercial for Philadelphia's Little Baby's Ice Cream. This is pretty much what it looks like when Nicole Kidman stands under the sun too long. This might make some of you assume the fetal position far away from your ice cream cabinet (aka the freezer) and mutter "donteatthelittlebabies" to yourself over and over again, but I love it! I mean, a creepy dude who looks like a peen made out of ice cream? I'd hit it until I got butt freeze (it's like brain freeze for your butt). And this doesn't make me feel so weird about moisturizing with Breyers every now and again. via Videogum | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Doogie Howser And Child | Top |
File this under: Yet another reason to hate on toddlers. Toddlers have don't have to work, don't have to go to school, don't have to walk much, don't have to go through a 30-minute beauty treatment every night, can get away with wearing fucked up outfits in public, can make a poopy in their pants without getting judged for it and they don't have to worry about getting the cops called on them when they bust into a full tantrum on the floor of a McDonald's after their parent refuses to buy them a soft-serve. Toddlers have it all! And Neil Patrick Harris' twin toddlers really have it all. Look at this toddler. This toddler is in the arms of a topless Doogie Howser on Elton John's yacht in St. Tropez while all of us aren't in the arms of a topless Doogie Howser and aren't on Elton John's yacht docked in St. Tropez. But mostly, I'm mad at that toddler for making that life vest work, because I've never ever been able to do that no matter how hard I try to match my boat-riding outfit with the color orange. | |
| Justin Bieber Throws Shade At Prince William's Bald Spot | Top |
And nothing grows under shade, which is the opposite of what The Lesbeaver thinks should be happening on Prince William's dome. Justin Bieber is a come-to-life Beautiful Crissy doll and so he's lucky that he was born with a built-in knob that Selena Gomez turns every time he wants his luscious mane of golden unicorn tails to grow longer. But Justin doesn't understand why everyone wouldn't want a hairy helmet of brown rainbows on their head like his. While talking to something called Rollercoaster Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), the bunny shit-brained baby bimbo threw hate at Prince William's field of stray hairs and asked if they have Propecia in England.
Justin is totally right. Prince William needs Propecia or Rogaine or whatever Lucy put on Ricky's head during that hair-growing episode. And when Prince William is done with it, he can give his leftovers to Justin, so Justin can splash some on his Barbie crotch and maybe grow a pube or two. Here's Prince William, Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Kate being royal dorks at an Olympic cycling event yesterday. I love that they're wearing ID badges and I'm guessing the only thing on their ID badges, besides a picture, are the words: "Bow down, bitch." | |
| Jenna Jameson On Why She's Endorsing Mitt Romney | Top |
When us Americans go to vote for HBIC of the US this November, I know most of us are going to ask ourselves "WIJJVF: Who Is Jenna Jameson Voting For?" before we cast our vote. Well, now you know the answer to that question. Minutes before Jenna James twerked her pussy for dollars at a strip club in San Francisco, she told CBS SF (via Gawker) that she's all in it for Mitt. Jenna endorsed Hillary Clinton during the 2008 election, but sometime between then and now she realized that voting Republican is the best thing to do for the only thing she cares about: MONAY, HONAY!
And with that, Jenna just won Romney GOOPY Paltrow's vote too. Obama should just play the I QUIT THIS BITCH card right now, because now that Romney has won the coveted Jenna Jameson endorsement, this shit is wrapped up. Jenna seems so happy about this decision, so nobody tell her that at one time, Mitt Romney wanted to outlaw her "gobbling dicks for dollars" game. Shh! | |
| Ryan Lochte Is Not A Hit And Quit It Slut | Top |
Mama Lochte joined Debbie Phelps in the spirit animal ranch in my heart the other day when she basically called her son a big whore who should win a gold medal in sluttin'. Ike Lochte told Today that Ryan doesn't have time for a girlfriend and the only thing he really has time for is to make orgasm waves with a one-time trick. UsWeekly decided to make shit extra awkward by asking Ryan Lochte what he has to say about his mom talking about his peen's travels. Ryan says he has never had a one night stand and that his mom is new to this media game and didn't really know what she was saying. Swimming answer's to Chet Haze put it like this:
Maybe Mama Lochte is like my mom and sometimes she accidentally mixes up phrases. Like a couple of summers ago, I was going to the store and my mom was trying to tell me to pick up some fruit punch, but she told me to pick up some donkey punch instead. (!!!!) I didn't want to know how, when or where she learned that shit. I just blamed myself, because she probably learned it from listening to me and I made a mental note that if I ever come into a whole lot of money, I need to start a beverage company called Donkey Punch. And really? "I want to give that my person my entire heart." That's what a slut says when they don't want to sound like a slut! They also say shit like, "I just don't have time for a relationship, but I do have time to hump on a new piece every night." This ho is lying. I'm sure there are dozens of tricks out there who have listened to Ryan shout at them "I'm going for gold! I'm going to break a new record on your pussy, bitch" one time and one time only. | |
| The National Enquirer Tells Macauley Culkin To Get Help | Top |
After The National Enquirer said that Macauley Culkin is filling his veins with heroin all day, every day, his rep slapped them down by saying the entire story was made of lies and if he was hooked on heroin, he wouldn't even use their trash paper to keep his heroin in. The National Enquirer isn't backing down, isn't issuing apologies and has really come for Macauley by publicly saying that he needs to get help before he ends up like one of his friends who recently died of an overdose. DAMN. You know that bitch ass little cousin of yours who caught you sipping cognac (don't judge, it was all my mom had in her "bar area" on top of the refrigerator) when you were 16 and told your mom about it? The National Enquirer is like that times ten billion. This is the "get help" open letter to Mac they posted on their website yesterday:
Yes, they brought Whitney Houston into this. My thoughts about this entire mess are best expressed through Kristie the Hutt's face. | |
| VH1 Would.... | Top |
The Internet collectively barfed earlier this week when the exquisite iguana goddess that is Courtney Stodden announced on Twitter that she's taking time out from her busy schedule of doing nothing to shoot her own reality show. I didn't pay that much attention to that highly important news, because I figured that her reality show would be shot on an iPhone by Doug Hutchison and would probably air after Robin Byrd on Public Access. If that. But now TMZ is saying that after months of Courtney and Doug hitting the ho stroll to beg for a reality show, their fame whore dreams are finally coming true thanks to Vh1. Courtney and Doug have checked into the new season of Vh1's Couples Therapy. It's times like this when I wish that Vh1 had a show called Celebrity Mental Hospital. TMZ says that 17-year-old Courtney and 52-year-old Doug will work out their "marital problems" in front of the cameras for the next few weeks. Some source (aka Courtney's pimp of a mom) says that Courtney and Doug's marital problems have everything to do with their age difference and all the attention (that they've whored to get) their relationship has gotten. "Marital problems" is a really funny way of saying, "We just moved Doug's butt plug a little to the right to reach in and pull out some fake problems we can say we have to get on reality TV." Well, the bad news is that the goddess iguana and her gay husband's 15 seconds of fame have been extended to 16. The good news is that at least we'll have a million more GIFs of Courtney looking like a dehydrated lizard having a seizure while trying to catch flies. Think of the positive! And the next reality show Courtney stars on needs to be an episode of People's Court. Shauna Sand needs to sue that trick for copyright infringement for continuing to stuff her lizard claws in lucite heels. Courtney's toes are always hanging off of her heels, because they want to get as far away as possible from messing with the Empress of Lucite. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For August 2nd! | Top |
Now that Times Square is all cleaned up and family-friendly, this is the only kind of big organ you'll find in a dark alley. - turnelbup Runners-up: Dateline tracks down Kunty K.'s long abandoned heart. Heart was mildly successful working at Donatella's virgin blood bank, but the Zantax habit caught up with him. - Cuntina Emoticons even brighten up the most grimy graffiti messages. - RHONYC via Break | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Bell, the hero chihuahua who SAVED THE LIVES!!!! of two little sisters in Georgia on Monday. 8-year-old Carlie and 5-year-old Lacey took their dog Lucy for a walk into the woods in Georgia on Monday afternoon and after wandering around for a little bit, they realized that they were lost and couldn't figure out how to get back. The girls looked down at Lucy's face to help them out, but that bitch was useless and looked at them like, "Don't look at me, I only know what to do if your asses fall down a well." The girls thought they were going to spend the night, huddling together in the trees while nibbling on leaves for nourishment. When the girls didn't come back from their walk after 2 hours, their mother Rebecca Parga freaked out, called the police and asked all her neighbors for help. As the cops and firemen searched for the girls, Rebecca's neighbor Carvin Young knew what to do. Carvin took the headset off of the head of his chihuahua Bell, who volunteers during the day for a missing children hotline, and told her to get to work. CBS Atlanta (via HuffPo) says that Bell showed up the police and their canine dogs when she ran into the woods and led everyone to the girls. Rebecca says that her daughters always play with Bell, so the life-saving chihuahua probably knew their scent. Here's the story in moving picture form from CBS Atlanta. (Side note: You're wrong like me if you looked at Carlie's hair and said to yourself that Bell needs to lead her to a brush. We need to stop, because she was lost in the woods for 2 hours! Everyone's hair looks like that after being lost in the woods for 2 hours!): A happy ending brought to you by a chihuahua! I always knew that Lassie's successor would be a chihuahua. (Cut to my chihuahua who spent a full 2 minutes looking for his own b-hole before giving up and going back to bed for the 10th time this morning.) (Thanks Roman & Sapan) | |
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