The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Xtina Is A "Fat Girl," Deal With It
- A Crazed Zombie Fan Tried To Eat Danny Bonaduce's Cheek
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 28th!
- Hot Sluts Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Some Crazy Dude Is In Jail For Choking Lindsay Lohan This Morning (UPDATE)
- What Most Of Us Do When We Listen To One Of Justin Bieber's Songs
- But What In The Hell Is That Thing On Her Head?
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
| Xtina Is A "Fat Girl," Deal With It | Top |
Xtina is a proud card-carrying member of Team Chunk (copyright: Fresh) and her pixelated Deal with It shades slowly drop on her face every time her record label tells her she needs to switch to calorie-free red lipstick and lose a little fat to get back to her Dirrty era body. In an interview with Billboard Magazine (via Radar) to promote her new album Lotus, Xtina says that while pushing her album Stripped in 2002, she got sick of being seen as a skinny, little white bitch, so she says she fully embraced her Ecuadorian-ness by filling her mouth hole with pan dulce to get some curves on her body.
The label held an emergency meeting and brought Xtina in to tell her that she needs to THINK OF THE PRODUCTION PEOPLE the next time she wanted to deep throat a chili beef enchilada. The label told Xtina that her extra set of lonjas was affecting musical directors and the production team. So after that talk, Xtina went back to the skinny for her Back to Basics tour, but after Bionic turned out to be a musical turd that quickly dropped to the bottom of the toilet, she decided to tell the label what's what:
Bitch, please. Snookitina is only shouting about loving her fat body, because I'm sure she was told the same thing I was told when I said I wanted to lose the ball of bloat over my stomach. I was told that I had to break up with the booze bottle for at least a month and only visit with my bong every now and again. Fuck that. I'd rather have a belly full of whiskey and Funyuns than a belly full of muscles. Drunktina is with me on that, so that's the only reason she's saying what she's saying. But after Weight Watchers hires her to be the body of their new line of weight-reducing cocktails (examples: Fen Phen-tini, Xenical Daiquiri and the Alli Mud Slide), her skinny ass will be on the cover of Life & Style screaming about how she's so glad to have her body back and she finally feels like the real her. And bitches shouldn't be poking at Xtina about her fatness, they should be poking at her for contributing to My Little Pony genocide. | |
| A Crazed Zombie Fan Tried To Eat Danny Bonaduce's Cheek | Top |
The zombie apocalypse is a real thing and it's suddenly entered a terrifying new phase, because zombies are so damn desperate that they're willing to put their mouths on the douche leather covering Danny Bonadouchie's face. The News Tribune says that Danny was in the middle of a fan meet-and-greet at a casino in Bow, Washington on Friday night when one of his fans decided that what would really make her time with him extra special is if they re-enacted the cheek butchering scene from Cape Fear. Danny says that the fan asked him if she could kiss him on the cheek and after he gave a thumbs up to that, she sunk her teeth into his face like he was a ginger-glazed partridge straight out of the oven. Danny is usually so drunk and coked up that he can't feel his face, but he says that when that crazy bitch had her teeth in his skin, he felt things pop. So bitch must be sober for real. Security eventually pulled the zombie off of Danny's face and he said that his first thought was that the ho must be high on bath salts. She was arrested, but Danny says that he's not pressing charges against her and he's not mad. Danny has a few bite marks on his cheek and they gave him some antibiotics, but he doesn't know yet if he's been turned out by a zombie. Scientists say that when a trick gets successfully zombie-fied, they slobber at the mouth uncontrollably, stumble into walls and lose all communication skills, and since Danny Bonaduce already acts like that all the time, we will never know the truth. And the crazy zombie who bit Danny didn't need to be treated with antibiotics, but she did need to spend a few hours in the tank drying out since she instantly got drunk just from biting into his skin. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 28th! | Top |
The Official Replacement Ref Repellent. Burn those bad calls immediately with one quick fart. - misstia Runners-up: "That's the last time I order anything off of Taco Bell's Volcano Menu." - i_heart_jack via Pleated Jeans | |
| Hot Sluts Of The Day! | Top |
Jaymes & James, the crotch-thrusting, nipple-baring, ass-twerking Chippendales strippers who are one of the teams who are racing to see Phil's finish line smile on the 684th season of the 500 time Emmy-winning reality show The Amazing Race. The new season of the only reality show that exists in the eyes of Emmy voters premiered last night, and it's too early to tell if I'm here for The Fabulous Beekman Boys, the slightly annoying Sri Lankan twins or the Green Giant and Little Green Sprout, but last night I got into the man strippers who are so damn hyper that I'm pretty sure they add a scoop of meth powder to their Muscle Milk shakes. Jaymes & James look like they fell straight out of an International Male catalog and I really hope they don't get eliminated before they have to go somewhere cold, because I need to watch them spend several hours trying to figure out how to put on a shirt with sleeves since they basically only wear tank tops. My favorite man stripper moment from last night was when they got to Shanghai and a member from each team had to slurp up a papaya full of frog fallopian tubes. Who knew that frog fallopian tubes look like curdled cum stew? But even though that bowl of gross looked like expired man chowder, Jaymes slurped it up like his last name was Travolta!
And when some of the frog fallopian tubes got all over the table, Jaymes slurped that up too while his boy shouted, "Every piece of white has to be gone!"
I see what Jaymes & James did there and my gutter brain appreciates it. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Julie Andrews (77) | |
| Some Crazy Dude Is In Jail For Choking Lindsay Lohan This Morning (UPDATE) | Top |
The drama doesn't even stop on the damn holy day. A 25-year-old California dude named Christian LaBella was put into handcuffs last night after he allegedly attacked Lindsay Lohan in her hotel room at the W Hotel in Manhattan early this morning. Now this is truly some Charlie Sheen shit. LiLo met the dude at 1 Oak last night and brought him back to her room at the W in Gramercy to party with her and her friends. LiLo probably thought that they'd have a few laughs, she'd snort a few lines off of his peen and everything would just be coke-colored rainbows. But shit got serious after she accused him of taking pictures of her with his phone. WNBC New York says that after LiLo grabbed Christian's phone away, he threw her on the bed, which scratched up her hands. LiLo ran out of the room and started running down the stairs, but for some reason she turned around and went back to her room. When LiLo got back to her room, she told police that Christian choked her, threw her to the floor and got on top of her. One of LiLo's friends was able to pull Christian off and then the friend pulled the hotel fire alarm. Christian tried to run out of the hotel, but the police caught him in the lobby and arrested his ass. No word yet on what kind of pictures that crazy douche took of LiLo, but I'm guessing it was either pictures of her reading the holy bible or pictures of her drinking chamomile tea while singing church songs to orphans, because that shit right there would ruin her reputation. Why do I have a feeling that Christian is telling police that a gross creature who smelled like rancid smugness and looked like a giant nutsack with legs and a hairy landing strip gave him a stack of money to rough up Lindsay Lohan. Presenting exhibit EVERYTHING!
The fucked up shit that happens to LiLo. Ginger from Casino = LiLo's life. UPDATE: NBC New York says that Christian LaBella has been released and the NYPD dropped all charged after investigating this shit. Christian, who works for Republican congressman John Shimkus of Illinois, has also filed a harassment complaint against LiLo. The moral of the story is, when you want to do a line of the bad shit with some dude you met at club, just do it in the safety of a stall in the club bathroom. That's why they have toilet seats! And I'm going to need something seriously mind-altering to deal with the fuckery that's going to spill out of White Oprah's mouth about this mess. | |
| What Most Of Us Do When We Listen To One Of Justin Bieber's Songs | Top |
| Because babies can't hold their liquor, Justin Bieber vommed on stage at his show in Glendale, Arizona last night. Yes, even Canadian messiahs get the barfs, but what's really magical about this is that he somehow kept singing as he yacked the nastiness up. That's magic! Either some trickery (aka lip-synching) is going on or Bieber trained his b-hole to sing out of his songs when his mouth is unavailable. But back to the barfs, why did Bieber get them? Here's my three theories: 1. Bitch is knocked up. See, THIS is why you need Planned Parenthood, Arizona. The answer is: NONE OF THE ABOVE. This is what Bieber blamed his puking on:
Uh huh, milk... Even Usher laughed at that backstage while pulling up his pants. But seriously, this is why Justin Bieber should've never cut off the golden mop of his dreams on his head. Because if he still had hair like that, one of his dancers could've just turned him upside down and used his mop head to clean that mess up. | |
| But What In The Hell Is That Thing On Her Head? | Top |
Anne Hathaway got married yesterday to that jewelry designer/actor dude she got with right after her con artist ex-boyfriend got busted by the feds, and judging by these blurry pictures, it sorts of looks like they exchanged vows in the middle of the same cornfield where mobsters torture their enemies in movies. But 29-year-old Anne and 31-year-old Adam Shulman didn't get married in the middle of a corn field/mob cemetery, they got married right before sunset at a private estate in Big Sur, CA. I see you, Anne, trying to get yourself some Oscar luck by getting married in the same town Natalie Portman's ass got married in. Well, but at least Anne served CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE. People says that over 100 guests watched as Adam and Anne bumped teefs during their first marital kiss after becoming husband and wife next to a barn on a fancy private estate. Some source says that Anne wore a custom-made gown by Valentino, but that source is spitting lies, because you know that's one of her old costumes from The Princess Diaries 2. One of the wedding vendors, who obviously has zero shits to give over signing a confidentiality agreement, tells Celebuzz that they think Anne and Adam's wedding cost around $1 million and the flowers alone were $100,000. Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, what in shower headband hell is attacking her head? Did Anne have brain surgery right before the wedding? Did she somehow come up with the idea that head trauma victim bride is SO the look this season? If Anne took off her dress and put on a stained Garfield shirt, holey sweats and Chinese house slippers, she'd look like my cousin going to the refrigerator to pour herself a morning cup of Fresca. That is some sleeping head wrap glamour right there. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| A ginge with a beard AND he looks hot in prison orange AND he's got can opener teeth? That wasn't an extra long beer burp I just let out. That was a swoon. If he wasn't about to kill Bambi's mom, I'd be all about him. (Just don't ask him to do oral stuff on you or your fuck parts could end up like that can.) via SayOMG | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
| Patrice Rushen (58) | |
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